The affair is pushing her away. And the longer you allow it to go on, the more entrenched it gets. The OM needs to be worried about YOU. You need to make him worry about YOU. He needs to understand that hell is coming his way if he doesn't stay away from your family.


That is ok if they don't take part. But if you ask her to use her influence to persuade her daughter to end her affair, she may help you. And if not, that is ok too, just the fact that her mother knows will cause embarrassment for your wife. And it will also make it harder for your wife to introduce the OM into the family. Your MIL will know he is a punk and home wrecker.

Mel, your last post was missing a vital clip. It's just not the same without it.

heheheheee

G6, can you tell we've been doing this a while?

Watch it as many times as necessary for testicular regeneration to take place.

My wife was in what I still believe was an EA with our pastor. It went on for months, and I knew about it. Since it was EA, exposure really never crossed my mind. My marriage went down and down. I found MB and still hesitated, even after getting the same 2x4's that it seems every BS that arrives here gets when I thought my story was different and exposure was something I didn't want to do.

After a month or so, I finally did it, and the affair started dying then. It came back a little later, in "secret", but by then I was a pretty good snoop and exposed again. I think it killed it completely.

I will always wish I had done it at the beginning.

So exposure is vital.

The path after exposure is not certain, but the path without it is.

I want to put it bluntly.

The marriage you had is over.

You can divorce, you can stay married to an unrepentant wife and try to appease her, knowing where that has gotten you, or you can forge a new marriage.

The second and third points cannot co-exist. You need to get that into your head.

This is what Mel told me early in my turmoil, it helped coalesce things in my thinking,

"ok, Herb, I am going to tell you straight. She probably is not in love with you and hasn't been for a long time. You let your marriage die on the vine.
Do you want back the same messed up marriage that led to this? you would be crazy to want that back."

The sooner you realize this, the better chance you have of changing things, if she goes along. You can't control that, you can't appease her into it, talk her into it. All you can do is be the man, the leader of the family, that God called you to be. If she want's to come along, great, but you can't do a thing about it one way or the other, you only control yourself.

When you have truly destroyed the affair, then worry about the rest.

Your wife had an affair, and you think you wronged her.

The things you tolerated to keep the peace, to keep her "loving you" got you where you are.

My middle name was "conflict avoidance."

I am divorced.

You are headed that way if you don't listen.

Do you want to go back to anything close to your old marriage that got you where you are today?

No. Doormats finish last.

Giraffe, my H had an office affair. The OW's husband knew for about three months before he exposed. The affair ended the day he exposed.

Don't sit on your hands, sir.

Short story to show it's effectiveness.

I worked with Steve Harley during my W's A. At the time, based on my W's serial cheating, alcoholic, wife abusing OM's character, and the fact that he'd moved 200 miles away from us, Steve advised me to expose to OMW only and then to monitor the results. So I did. The A survived that exposure because OM and OMW lived 1000 miles apart and OM was just biding his time until divorcing her anyway. The reason for this limited exposure was to try and end the A with out any collateral damage.

So 7 months later, when I'd finally had enough and was ready to file for D, I decided to expose to my kids because I didn't want them thinking that BOTH their parents had abandoned them, which is what I felt I would have been doing if they didn't know the truth.

I told my oldest son on a Saturday (he was away at school) and returned home on Sunday to tell my younger son. My younger son went off my W. Made it very clear if she insisted on OM being in her life, then she could count on him not being in it. He even told her if she didn't at least try to make our marriage work, he was going to live with me and would NEVER visit her. And if he was forced to visit her (he was 16 at the time) he would sit there and not say a single word to her.

She was angry. Boy oh boy was she angry. But ya know what? The A was over the next day. Recovery started after she'd got thru withdrawl from the POSOM.

And now? Our marriage is better than ever. My W and our son's have great relationships. Counseling with Steve was great and without him, I'd have never got thru this, but one thing I do wish is I'd have exposed to my boys at the same time I did OMW. I understand his reasoning and it all worked out in the end, but it might have saved me 7 months of pain.

My W hated me at the time for telling the kids, but now she knows and agrees it's the single most important thing that saved our marriage.

So yeah, it works.

H4U

Was I in this situation myself? My wife and i were very close to it but it did not reach the point in which a physical affair began. My wife and I both pretty much had EA's (emotional affairs) without realizing what we were doing or how it was effecting each other emotionally and how it effected our marriage.

Once I found this place .. and did a wack of studying I learned what I was doing wrong (not meeting my wifes emotional needs) becasue i learned Exactly what she needed .. in turn she learned what i needed and eventually our withdrawl turned into conflict .. then back into intimacy again. During this time I also learned what was draining us ... and worked at eliminating our independant behaviour and forever ongoing .. eliminating lovebusters.

As complicated as MB feels .. it really is simple. We are just so busy with life that we forget about our partners. This site has some great tools to relearn eachother again and keep learning forever. Our needs change over time .. so its great that it can be evaluated and adjusted as life moves forward. The policy of joint agreement is also huge.

You can read my thread if you like .. but my judgement on how exposure is effective comes from reading countless threads here where the poster exclaims how they dont feel they should expose then weeks later come back to tell us they should have done it sooner after the forum members excalim over and over again (just like here) to just get it done. THEN once the exposure is done .. you begin plan A with a carrot and a stick approach and be the "prefered choice" between you and OM as your exposure makes the fantasy of the affair get ugly very fast.

NOw .. this doesnt always work .. if you read my thread you will see towards the end how my wife and I handled my wifes mothers affair as we did the foot work for grandpa since he is computer illiterate and how he also ignored our advice and listened to his pastor instead of us and the advice we had been advised to give him. HE regrets now not listening to us since everything we told him would happen did happen and we also gave him the answeres too .. but he based all his decisions on his FEELINGS. Feelings lie and can be temporary .. just like your wifes feelings towards OM are a lie in her heart. SHe doesnt see clearly as her Feelings fog her moral judgement and her taker side of her personality is only replaying all the bad things you have done in her mind to justifiy her affair.

I kid you not ... once you expose this affair, this fantasy will erode and the OM will get uglier. Especially if you are still in your home. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME! meanwhile .. you are snooping on her without her knowing but also treating your wife better than ever to regain some of the overdrafting you have done to her love bank.

But know this ... everytime she has contact with OM .. she will start her withdrawl ALL OVER AGAIN as if it was day one. her feelings will go crazy each time because she hasnt had enough time with this guy to create any conflicts for him to withdrawl enough love units for her to not love him.

So .. dont be hasty in putting your foot down. You can be a MrNiceGuy with firm boundries (plan A carrot and stick), not a MrDoorMat and completely ignore your own self worth. You are both 50% responsible for the condition of your marriage ... however your wife is 100% responsible for her affair.

Sorry for rambling .. i get all over the place sometimes.

MNG

This is where you are in error in your thinking. Exposure won't necessarily save your marriage. But it will likely end the affair and thereby stop your marriage from being immediately destroyed.

You are worrying about remodeling the house when the floor is rotten and you are falling through it.

First things first.

Do you want your wife to keep on doing what she is doing just so no one is mad at her? Read that and see how stupid that sounds.

I am telling you straight because I said and did the same things. I cannot look back and even recognize myself in the man that avoided doing the necessary things. That is my biggest regret.

I tried to let the affair die on its own without coming out. All I did was enable it. It is obvious now, obvious to everyone on here that eventually read my story, but my beaten up, twisted up brain at the time could not see it. In the end, the time I let it go one so long may have contributed to the ultimate demise of my marriage. How could my wife respect me? It was easy for her to convince herself that I was being vindictive the longer I had let it continue.

Believe me, she will be mad, furious, say everything you dread to hear. The longer you wait, though, the less there will be to return to.

MelodyLane and helpforlostdads.... thanks for the clip.... I LOVE the movie!

And yes, I can tell you guys have been doing this for a while. I am glad I haven't been. Our there links to stories of success on here?

I am excited about this information abu I am also concerned (it keeps coming back to the kids). I have been praying and asking others to pray for me/us and the daily bread has been very helpful.... it's been a amazing how many of them have felt like they were directed straight at me!

You have got to realize this, this is vital and you keep sidestepping it.

Success at this point really has nothing to do with your marriage, only stopping the affair.

If you are waiting for someone to come on here and say, "Just expose, and your marriage will survive and be better than ever,guaranteed" then just stop wasting your and everyone else's time.

Everyone will tell you that not exposing, well, you may as well start looking into how things are gonna get split up.

If you want a guaranteed result before you act, then just stay the course, you marriage failure is guaranteed.

If you want a chance for a different outcome, a chance, then listen and act. It is the only chance you have. The longer you put it off, the smaller it gets.

You can ask those of us who are in successful marriages what helped; just read around! I can assure you that most will tell you that exposure saved their marriages. It is the most powerful weapon you have. It is no guarantee, but you will have lost nothing if you do it. At the very least, your kids and your family won't welcome the OM into their family if it ever comes to that.


WE are concerned too, because your current strategy of enabling the affair is the surest way to end up divorced. Even though your kids are grown, that will devastate them. They should be the most compelling reason for your exposure. It is for their FAMILY. Just imagine how tragic it will be to have to attend their weddings and graduations with the OM sitting there? Every family gathering will be a nightmare from here on out.

You can't work on your marriage until you have a marriage again.

You have to do the first thing first and not back off and apologize when she explodes.

If you are chicken####, then it is not for you.

There is no guarantee it will even stop the affair. The only guarantee is what will happen if you don't act.

Giraffe, the only guarantee we can give you is that you will end up divorced if you don't. You are headed to divorce now and she will eventually leave you for the OM. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure, but it won't survive this ongoing affair.

I would also add that your complacence reflects a lack of caring. If your marriage means anything to you, why wouldn't you fight for it? Why wouldn't you step in to help your wife in her greatest time of need?

If/when the affair fog ever wears off she will wonder why you did nothing to help her. Do you realize that?

You are much like the spouse who allows the falling down drunk to go drunk driving. Wouldn't it be an act of love to take the car keys away even though you know it will make her mad?

Hi there again.

Your children are adults, have you considered holding a family meeting with them, you and your boys telling them what you are dealing with and discussing the next step with them, I think when you explain exposure to them and the benefits of it I think you will see that they will understand and encourage you to do that if it meant you had a chance to keep their family together.......
If they know you respect them enough to be straight with them and to let them in on what is happening to their family.........they might surprise you, make it clear that they don't have to chose between the parents or help if they chose not to.....
You forget the power of the children mother bond, I know my husband has said he children knowing was the most hurtful part in it for him, he even said that he was trying to be like my oldest son that he was a good man and he knew he let them down as well as me..............
The whole family unit is better now, we all learned a lot about each other and what we could believe, we learned with love and honesty we could all be stronger and more of a family, don't kid yourself your boys have felt something was wrong............probably for a while...............
Let them help you .......
Don't let fear take your life from you...........only a fool would let some useless OM take what is his........fight for your wife and family...........

Thanks again.... you are correct.... I do need to take it a step at a time. I have been looking at the big picture and what will save my marriage etc. I do need to focus on ending the affair and fighting for my wife! I do need to do what is best for my kids, and what is best to save our family. I realize it's not a guarantee but the current strategy of letting her treat me as nice or mean as she wants and call me her best friend while having sex with our friend isn't exactly a good plan.... I don't like the results so far

I guess when she left I felt it was what I needed to let her do. I had to give her time and space and I don't regret that at all. But now that she came back, but then wanted to leave again and didn't stop the affair. This strategy is certainly not working.... and I feel by being quite the only person talking to her is the OM, therefore he's the only one she has to listen to.

When she moved out I admit I didn't know if she still loved me or even liked me. But when she came back to me, it was out of the blue and with such passion and honesty. It left no doubt that she is in love with me still. Of course the OM was still in the picture and again, he was probably doing a lot of talking while I was just being quite. I guess I just convinced myself that she is confused and will come around and start thinking straight but I realize that's not a good approach. I DO love my wife!

Giraffe, we ARE looking at the big picture. The advice we are giving you is intended to save your marriage. It is the most effective way to save a marriage.

Killing the affair is only the first step. Once you kill the affair, we will give you a PLAN to recover your marriage. But nothing you do will work until you first kill the affair.


She moved out in order to carry on her affair. That is the ONLY REASON. Maybe it was your goal to facilitate the affair, but getting "space" did not help your marriage, it helped her AFFAIR. If she wanted some "space" she could have gone in the bathroom and shut the door. She only wanted to be able to carry on her affair unimpeded. That is the ONLY REASON she moved out.