Mrs. Giraffe is in the cat-bird's seat! Two men focusing all their attention on her! Two men going out of their way to meet her emotional and physical needs! Why in the world do you think she would want to give that up willingly and choose: just you?

I also don't understand why you're wasting so much of your precious time worrying about how other people will react to the truth of their lives. You're not the one perpetrating the betrayal, your wife is.

You're withholding valuable information these people need about their loved one.

Their daughter is an adulterer. That's the truth.

Their mother is an adulterer. That's the truth.

OMW's husband is an adulterer. That's the truth.

You're not the criminal, you're just reporting the crime!

Why are you withholding this information from these people with a righteous need-to-know? You are complicit in your wife's and her party boy's lies and debauchery.

Stand up for yourself, man! Stand up for your children!

(Geez! This is getting sickening to watch . . .)

P.S. Do you think your wife could EVER respect a man that stands around wringing his hands in indecisive misery while someone just walks all over him? Why not ask the opinion of a few of the ladies on this forum?

Political correctness is valuing the reactions of others more than valuing the truth.

Thanks.... I have two questions/comments....

1. What about the old saying, blood is thicker than water?
I don't have much family around or still alive for that matter. I have a brother that I don't talk to very much and a sister that I don't talk to at all really, so I won't tell them. I have some distant cousins that I also won't tell. The only real close friend we both share is the OM (not that I still consider him a friend). So it comes down to telling our kids, her family and the OM's ex wife. Her family could support her no matter what she's done. Her Mom has already said she isn't the right person to ask for relationship advice and that she isn't going to take sides, she supports both of us etc (keep in mind I am almost positve she doesn't know about the affair so that might change how she feels but it might not), and her Dad lives out of state and split with her mom when she was like 2. He talks to her and supports her but not sure how he would respond to this either.

2. It sounds like exposure is great at ending the affair, which trust me, I think that's a great thing. But I have only really heard one story of it leading to saving the marriage. And it seems like anytime I mention that I just get yelled at and told I'm a coward and I need to focus on ending the affair before anything else etc etc. I agree, but I do want to save my marriage! And I'm not sure I'm willing to do that an ANY cost. I mean is there really a chance of staying together if everyone knows what she did? Maybe, I just don't know. And I am struggling with that.... go ahead and call me a coward tell me I need to man up, grow a pair, whatever.... I'm just saying that I am trying to figure out if it's worth it to expose to the world. It just seems like it could really make things bad, maybe it backfires and her family resents me and totaly sides with her.... maybe she ends the affair and wants to work it out, but now the kids can't believe I would even consider keeping her, etc etc. I know it's a lot of hand wringing, but I assume most of you have gone through this or you're currently going through it. I seem to get a lot of people who regret not exposing, but I don't hear many stories of people who did expose and are now happy.

Thanks!

Thanks maritalbliss! That makes sense actually.... I have felt that I didn't stay focused on her when she came back. Well, of course I focused on her, I was so happy that's all I did, but I didn't focus on making sure she wasn't in contact with him. So I let him talk his way back in and talk her back to the affair

There is a chance her family will be full of enablers. You really don�t know unless you tell them.

There are tons of stories here of people who have succeeded when exposing and they have answered on your thread.

I can tell you I never exposed properly and it hurt me.

But understand that there is NO hope for saving your marriage until you kill the affair which requires exposure.

You�re not a coward for fearing the consequences. You�re human. And you�re also very typical.

I can tell you of one man here who was your opposite. He found his wife on top of another man while wearing a bra. He put that man in the hospital and told the universe what she did. He kicked her out and threw her stuff out. She begged and pleaded for forgiveness.

Would yours do the same? Who knows.

The key to exposure is that it must be effective, not vindictive. So expose to people who can put pressure on her to end the affair. This means mutual friends, family, etc.

My marriage and the OW's marriage were saved.

the truth shall set you free.

exposure also helps you regain your footing. it helps YOU feel stronger and gives you the satisfaction of getting some control back.

perhaps her family won't take a big stand in favor of your marriage but exposure will shine a light in the darkness and at the very least it will cause your WW and her OM to wake up to what they're doing.

do this for you, your children and her. she is addicted and needs an intervention. do it and don't worry about what you think might happen.

This was a critical mis-step. You have to understand that without exposure and EPs your WW had no consequences to deal with and no framework to hang recovery on.

She backslid because she could.

Read this forum and other people's threads.

Go to the recovery thread and read there.

There are countless stories of exposure success. I can't tell you of one that didn't have exposure.

You are not paying attention then. I have seen HUNDREDS in my experience on this board and I am one of them. My H's affair ended the day I exposed it. Almost EVERY recovered marriage on this forum was saved by exposure. Your ONLY HOPE OF SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE IS KILLING THE AFFAIR.

You can't save the marriage unless you kill the affair.

I believe I posted Dr Harley's comments on the value of exposure, so I can only conclude you are not reading our posts for you to say something so bizarre. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience SPECIALIZING in infidelity. Here is what he says.

Please read it this time:
Let me explain this another way. Adultery is just like alcoholism. In order for an alcoholic to recover, he has to first STOP DRINKING. Recovery is hopeless unless that happens. It is the same with adultery. Recovery of the marriage is hopeless unless you kill the affair.

Your chances of saving your marriage are HOPELESS unless you kill this affair.

If she cares about her daughter as you say, then she will "support" her by trying to influence her to end her affair. And also keep in mind she is not taking sides because you and W have lied to her. Even so, it doesn't matter what she does. Just exposing to her will cause conflict in the affair. You have no control over how people will react. You will get help in very unexpected places and others will offer you no help. That is OK. You still expose to them.


Again, not relevant. You won't know how he will react and are wasting time trying to predict such a thing.


Yes, it will make things "really bad" for the affair. Which is your goal. Lots of people might resent you for exposing the affair. You are not doing this to win a popularity contest, you are doing this to save your marriage. If winning the approval of EVERYONE is your goal, then I would assert that is an impossible standard. You need to focus, rather, on doing the right things to save your marriage.

But I think your goal is completely different from ours. See, our goal is to save your marriage like we have ours. YOUR goal is to avoid conflict at all costs. You will lose your marriage that way.

Keep in mind that your best thinking has led you to this terrible place. Your marriage is crumbling as we speak and you are headed to divorce.

So, when you tell us exposure is not a good idea, you look like the falling down drunk who is lecturing sober AA members on how to sober up. Your own methods have not worked FOR YOU. Our methods HAVE WORKED.

Think on that...

I can't work out whether to be pleased or offended by this comment. Do you consider me to be one of the people "who did expose and are now happy", or not?

Did I waste my time posting to you, just for you to blow me off as "not many people who did expose and are now happy"?

We are happy.
Exposure was over 15 years ago.

Married 30 years.

I am the poster boy for conflict avoidance, and waited 4 more months than I should've waiting...hoping for the affair to 'just end'...ignored the best advice here...hesitated with exposure.

Then I exposed the affair, made it 'really bad' by shedding light on it (if it is such a good thing, why don't the affair partners ever tell the world about their new romance....hmmmmm?)

I exposed the affair.

The affiar died.

We're in recovery. Not perfect, but better.

Is Giraffe happy?
His WW is banging his friend! How happy are YOU?????

Giraffe .... my husbands 2 year EA/PA was with his friend.
Trust me .... exposure was more than therapeutic. Exposure was the only thing that saved us. When we exposed to OWH .... I was shocked to find out that he already knew they were involved and OWH did NOTHING to stop the affair. What a putz.

Our exposure story .... LINK

My marriage is in the recovery process, almost 2 years from d-day and exposure.......when the affair is exposed it is no longer a fantasy relationship any longer they are forced to deal with the everyday reality.............
When the affair couple has to deal with other things instead of just filling each others needs it's a whole different story the real person suddenly appears faults and all............
We can all have a perfect relationship if there weren't kids, parents, bills, chores, work to deal with that is what you will be forcing them to do, have a real relationship warts and all.........
The percentage for affairs lasting is very small that is because the relationship is based on lies and deceit.........they can't trust each other and depend on each other when they are busy trying to save their own azz's, watch how quickly they sell each other out.........
Once the affair is over you make a plan together to rebuild the marriage....
First things first.........
I was sacred too to have everyone find out.......but it was almost a relief for me when it did come out, keeping it to myself and suffering alone was impossible......let family and friends help you, and they will.........
No one thinks affairs are right ...........
Use what help you can get here. You let it continue you might as well help her pack her bags........send her off with a stressfree departure.........
This is what she wants you to do, she is playing you so she can quietly walk away.
She doesn't know what is best for her right now, she is in the middle of affair fog, look that up see if she fits the bill.
you need to be strong for your wife and family, she can't right now, you need to get that

I just wonder what your idea is.

Is it, "Don't expose and maybe things will work out"?

How's that working?

Just do like I did. Don't debate us. Read the threads of other BH's that hesitated to expose (mine for example) and see how many of them the affair ever ended by the two parties just deciding they were wrong. I haven't read every thread, but I don't think you will find any. Try to find a thread where the BH exposed and when the fury from hell hit they backed off and they eventually disappeared from here because their plan wasn't working. You will find a few.

Find the threads (mine for example) where the BH did the reading on here and looked at their life. Everything they had done had already been predicted and everything that happened was foretold. The one's where the affair was exposed and ended. Some the wife comes back, some she doesn't. But there are none that come back without a decisive end to the affair. None.

You don't seem to get it. You have two choices. She will be screwing another man and either be married to you or not, but she will be screwing another man. Maybe this one, maybe another one. The fact that she will do it is already proven.

Or, you have a chance to end it. She might stick around long enough to see that you really did do the tough things to stay with her and maybe she will engage again. She might hit the road. But, you see, she is already gone. You cannot appease her back.

To be frank, I don't like your chances. She has become entitled to do whatever she wants, and you are a big reason. If anything, you seem to be even a bigger enabler than I was.

It is your call. These are the two choices you will hear on here.

1. No Chance
2. Some Chance, even if it is small.

No need to give your opinion, we have heard it before and seen it fail every time. If you got a better plan, then go for it.

I can't believe this logic. It is impossible for me to put into words how stupid it is.

Ending the affair "is a great thing" in itself, but there is something greater than that that stops you doing it? What would that greater thing be; allowing the affair to continue so that you can avoid upsetting your wife, kids and OM's family?

"I mean is there really a chance of staying together if everyone knows what she did?" Therefore...what? you shouldn't expose the affair and end it? Ask yourself whether she go back to you whilst the affair continues.

"I'm just saying that I am trying to figure out if it's worth it to expose to the world". If WHAT is worth WHAT to expose it to the world? If having a shot at recovery is worth it expose to the world?

"It just seems like it could really make things bad, maybe it backfires and her family resents me and totaly sides with her...." Will you have your marriage and a shot at recovery if you do not expose? What will you have lost if you expose and her family sides with her? She has not returned to you today and her family does not yet know of the affair. So what if they do know, and she still does not return to you? What will you have lost? Are you trying to make her family happy, or end the affair?

"...maybe she ends the affair and wants to work it out, but now the kids can't believe I would even consider keeping her, etc etc."

Are you seriously telling me that

1. Your kids would not be glad that the affair ended and their mother came home to them, willing to work on the marriage?

2. If the affair ended and your wife wanted to reconcile, you would let your kids' objection affect your decision?

I can't believe you mean a word of this nonsense. Are you just playing games with this board?

I didn't know if I'd have a marriage left after I exposed.

However, I knew I didn't have a marriage if my W was involved in an affair.

Expose and save your family.