Hello, Ive been with my wife 20 yrs, married for 17, 3 children, 12, 15, 19.

My story is really more complex than this, but this summarizes it. Back in march 2010 i had a 2 month EA by text with 2 ppl, no sex chat but confiding about marriage problems, and conversing when i should have been talking to my wife(she didnt know at this time). I felt she really didnt like me anymore...we hardly ever talked. I was always doing things that revolved around motorcycles (once i had the bike, i got alot of female attn, something i was not used to). One day during an argument she threw my stuff out and told me to leave. I packed up and while waiting to tell my children she was hysterical and obviously didnt want me to leave. I left convinced I wasnt ever coming back to her although I planned on seeing my children everyday.

That night I met someone and had a 10 day PA. my wife was calling all the time asking me to come back. The third day I told her what i was doing and the fourth day she found out about the 2 EA (which I had cutoff contact with by this time). The next day after beginning the PA I realized what i was about to lose, and was distraught,dropping weight, being unable to eat or sleep, and not knowing what to do or how to fix things(she said if i was ever with anyone else she'd never have me back). At the end of the ten days I told the OW i wanted to go home. she said she could tell I wanted to and I should.

I returned home and begged her to let me come back. I made the mistake of not being totally forthcoming with answers to her questions, lying basically. She reluctantly agreed. I cut off all contact with OW immediately. well later it got back to my wife that the OW made me leave so it looked as though I only came home because I had nowhere else to go(not true, but i was already a liar, so i was not believed). My next mistake was not learning what it would take to heal and recover from my actions. I didnt do much different except i was no longer engaging in any EA or PA and didnt want to either. Nothing really improved because i didnt make any effort. I didnt know how and thought time would heal things.

August of this year (aprox 18 mos later)she stated we should separate so she can work on healing and fixing herself. I stayed at my mothers house but come home everyday to take my kids to school.our kids are very active in sports so it was hard to have any real length of time apart. Her words "separate" were a definite wake up call for me. At the beginning of our separation we both started individual counseling. She went three times and stopped. I still attend every week without fail. I know she loves me and part of her still wants to be with me or she would have asked for a divorce.

Here is where we are at to date. I have done much reading...books, the net, and counseling. I have very deep remorse and realize the damage I have done. I have looked inside myself and know why my affair happened, I know i would never resort to this again. She has agreed to let me come home and sleep on the couch on a day to day basis. I am using the best advice from all the sources to be a better person for her.

The problem: anything she reads or hears, that says couples can recover from this is dismissed as wrong, or not true...even when the same words come from different sources. Its like shes looking for something to tell her it wont work.
She wont really go out or interact with me on a deeper level, in her words 'we're not together'. Of her 5 top emotional needs(as listed by her) most are filled by family, esp. recreational companionship. Im doing all I can to fill her needs but she doesnt always allow me to. She has convinced a part of herself that she cannot move forward with me. I have been doing everything I can to make her life easier. I have this great fear that she will meet someone else before i can show her what a different person i have become, and i fear that is what it may take to realize how much i mean to her (that is what it took for me). Im going to keep doing things how I am, making things easier for her and improving myself. I have taken all pleasure out of life for her...she doesnt enjoy much at all anymore, and my guilt over that is eating me up almost to the point of affecting my daily living. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

So do I. I'd like to test you, though. Why did your affair happen?


That's pretty weak. Anybody can say that. So far I can't tell if you're a liar or not. And neither can your wife.

What are you going to do differently to keep this from ever happening again?


This is really a red herring. It doesn't matter if what she reads says it will or will not work. What matters is the changes she sees in you, which will far outweigh any data from any other source.

So what changes has she seen in you? Please be specific.

Do you have a copy of Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair? If not, you need to get it, fast.

Have you read Dr. Harley's guide to recovery from infidelity?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html There are many pages in that section; don't skip any! Watch the video, too.

You might consider talking to Dr. Harley on his radio show. It's free, he gives you the same expert advice people pay him for, and he and his wife Joyce will send you a free book (probably a copy of Surviving an Affair).

Thanks for the reply.

Why my affair happened: Started long ago...at some point I stopped meeting my wifes emotional needs, she told me...i failed to hear. As time passed she stopped meeting mine(im not blaming her, I cant expect to keep receiving without giving back). Instead of speaking to her about why she acted like she didnt like me, i just assumed she didnt and sought needs fulfillment elsewhere without giving her or myself the opportunity to work things out and make our marriage better.

How will I prevent this again? Be honest and talk to her. Tell her how im feeling, ask her how shes feeling, fulfill her needs and allow her to fulfill mine...communicate. Boundaries... I have identified inappropriate behaviors and situations that i will not get into and how to handle them if they do arise. Be accountable for my whereabouts and fully transparent with all my actions. Ive stopped hanging around ppl that are not friends of our marriage.

Changes... I do what i say i will now, before that was big problem, say i would do things and not make the time and/or make excuses. I am much better father(was one of her issues w me)...wasnt bad one before but i have taken advantage of the room for improvement. I now always listen to what they have to say, spend more quality time with them, and never say later or im busy. Before I was never really enthusiastic about family activities, i actually complained alot. Im now the one initiating activities and family time, valuing every second we get to spend together. I tell her how im feeling, and genuinely listen when she has something to say. I show her non sexual affection many times a day now whereas before there wasnt much at all from me except when i wanted sex. I do small thoughtful things every chance i get...showing my love instead of just saying it. I make sure all tasks at home are done before she gets home from wrk so she can relax and not have to worry about cooking dinner, laundry, kids homework(something i rarely, if ever before) I do this everyday. Of course she skeptical now, but im going to continue...this is who i have become, and feel like a much better person.

I am trying to get the book and others, i am in a tough financial spot right now...I know how important it is and will as soon as i am able. I have spent very much on other books and counseling and have zero disposable income right now. I have read all free stuff here at MB and am still working through the discussion board posts. I will try to contact Dr Harley via the radio show. Thank you again for your reply.

Buy the book surving an Affair leave it where she can see the book. Hoping is catches her interests.

Tell her you found these great therapists called the Harley's and you want the the both of you to give them a call.

You can get this book used on get amazon for under 10.00 shipped. Please check into it.

This is quite a list of complaints/faults you have compliled against your wife. There seems to be alot of blame and fingerpointing. This is something you are going to have to address if you want to have a healthy M.
MB focus is on changing yourself.

Did OW's butt ride on your bike with you?
If it did, even once, SELL IT .... then hand the CASH over to your wife.

"I sold 'that motorcycle' because it was part of my adultery, and I reject anything that was part of my horrible actions."

A meaningful action, IMHO.
You would get a hell-of a lot more traction with THAT grand gesture (Rather than asking your wife to read some book)

The cash would be memorable and impressive !!!!
And, she'd know you mean business.

Not complaints or fault, sorry if it seems that way. just noticed obstacles, i place NO blame or fault with her. These seem to be things i must wrk around or with. My focus is on changing myself, was just hoping someone had experienced same feelings and still made things work. Trying to hold on to hope.

The bike has been for sale for several months now at a greatly discounted price and i had already planned on giving the money to her for a trip she wants to take to alaska with her mother who has cancer. Selling this thing has been a high priority. I havnt ridden in some time now and Knowing that kind of changed me into someone i really wasnt, i no longer have any desire to ride or own a bike. Thanks for all the advice

Craigslist the bike.
With pix.
Say "motivated seller".

Are both of those true?

http://stlouis.craigslist.org/mcy/2691782502.html

link to my craiglist ad, was renewed 11-08, has been up since end of august with price drops every 2-3 weeks.It has been on ebay 3 times, and in local papers and flyers everywhere. Yes those statements are true.

I have just purchased a copy of SAA from amazon.com. Is this a program I will be able to work on my own for now until wife is ready to wrk with me?

Hi gko
SAA can be worked alone, I am doing it alone as a BS. As a WS, you need to make your BW feel safe. Safe that this will never happen again. SAA will help you understand what you need to do to protect your BW and your marriage from any more affairs. Hopefully in time your BW will see your efforts and begin to communicate with you about what EP's will make her feel more secure.

Keep reading on this site. Make sure you read the Basic Concepts and Articles sections, lots of great information in there.

It wouldn't hurt for you to also read HNHN and possibly Lovebusters, as it sounds as though the motorbike was a huge IB.

Read, think and read some more. And most importantly, ACT on what you read. Actions will mean far more to a BS than words. Remember, the betrayed has already heard words, and they were lies. Now you need to show you mean what you say.