ARGHHHH! I HATE ADULTERY! I HATE WAYTURDS!!!

Aahh, that feels better. I have had an up and down week. Some great moments, interspersed with some triggers.

My IM contacted POSWH (a new name?) with my request to deposit $X into wife's account for the car if he was not going to sell it. Two days later he had not responded. Hmmm. Luckily for me my IM is doing a great job, and I have better things to do then obsess over his response. But it still irked me no end that poor IM was left chasing him for a response when I asked her if the money was going in my account. She had to chase WH, who then deemed fit to reply that poor itty bitty WH had not had a chance to sell the car for whatever rubbish reason he gave her. I asked her to tell him he had a month to either sell the car or buy my share. I just want out from all of this joint ownership. I want all material aspects resolved by Christmas.

Part of me worries that this is definitely me doing divorce talk for WH, but then again, I need to protect my own finances. It is a fine line though. And I know that this gives WH further justification for his affair, and at this stage he certainly gives himself enough justification without me adding to it.

And I do think that Plan B is giving my WH an escape route... he is avoiding IM despite this being only the second contact in over 2 months. I see that WH does not want contact as IM and I remind him of what a wayturd he is... like holding the mirror up. He adheres to Plan B out of his own interests... not mine. So he can convince himself what a nice guy he is as he does not make any contact out of respect for me. As much as I love Plan B, this part gets up my nose. He is NOT the good guy in this, as much as he might convince himself.

The training I went to was absolutely fantastic, got me keen to return to education. There was a trigger for me though, when the trainer answered a question I had with talk about marital breakdown due to affairs. OMG, is it written on my face??? I managed to keep a professional air about me though. Just didn't ask any more questions...

And even getting my toes painted (pretty in pink for those who care!) became a trigger. My beautician was asking about my travelling, and then asked WHO I did this with. I won't meet this person again, so I answered hesitantly with "husband". It can be difficult with someone you don't know to answer this... I need to almost pratice in the mirror I think. How are all you other Plan B'ers answering this?

My job is still going well, but my boss has asked me to go around for dinner to show photos of my travels... he is fascinated. I am finding all of the interest from others about our travelling together difficult. I love to talk about my travels, but it sometimes does trigger me. I hate that WH and his affair has in some way stolen so many memories, as in Plan B I should not really be talking / thinking about this. GRRRR!

I had a great night out for a friend's b'day on the weekend. However, she is experiencing a lot (and I seriously mean a lot) of relationship difficulties. I gave some MB advice (funny how it seems so natural in some ways) and it was good to take my mind off my own dramas.

I am ducking and diving friend's and family's attempts to set me up with others. I did have a bizarre experience with a guy trying to get my phone number, despite my telling him I was not yet divorced and believed in marriage. He even offered to cook my mother a meal to impress the future in-law, lol. He certainly scared me off dating for the time being .

Is it possible to shelve this for the time being? You dont have any way to make him do it, so just mentally file it under stuff that needs to be split in the divorce. He probably likes that there is still an aggravating link between you. Same with me, softlad and the TV licence he wont cancel. It leaves you out of pocket, but better out of pocket than insane!



Pink! Classic.....

Ive had some mixed experiences with this one. My massuese (on what would have been our tenth anniversary) got the whole story! She wanted to know if I had come to her for any special reason, I said I was separating from my h, and she told me she had done that ( they got back together) and it changed her life, career path etc....

But then the other day I was at a work thing when somebody started talking about their wedding and getting fitted for their dress.

This used to be one of my favourite topics of conversation ( I had a huge wedding) but I just stood there stupidly not saying anything. My work friend was watching me too, because she knows 1) i love talking about weddings 2) that im getting divorced and 3) shes never seen me with nothing to say!

It was awkward because if I had given her any wedding tips or mentioned my own dress, she would have asked me how long Id been married aaaand.... I dont think people want to hear about divorce when theyre getting married. And they dont know you at all!



You have to be VERY firm on this in my experience. YOu have to tell them you are still having very sad moments/days and you want your next relationship - or even date - to be FUN not a shoulder to cry on. I also say to others that it isnt right to go out into the world pretending to be available when you arent.



It feels a bit like believing in fairies sometimes, but I believe there are men in the world who will respect my wishes and care about what I want.

That is why I dont see any of them around right now - because I dont want them yet!

This really does work for me, in regards to my WH, though others joke about it.

who did I do the traveling with?

"My now estranged husband."

lol

How long have you been married?

"25 years this year to my now estranged husband."

Weddings?

"When I married we had an outdoor wedding. It was simple and beautiful. Can I give you advice about flower arrangements or caterers?"
"Your wedding sounds like its going to be beautiful. I wish you both the very best."

I know I don't have any way of making him pay up, but I worry that the longer I leave it the more difficult it will be to get any money from this. And if I am returning to uni, the money will be needed. Maybe it is something I will just have to concede defeat on, as I won't be able to justify the legal costs involved to split a car. I still hope that I can use WH's desire to see himself as a great guy in all of this against him.

In Aus we don't have to go to Court over any division of assets, in fact, they encourage against it if possible.

I will admit that there is also part of me that now just wants out of it all, and I see the car as a big hurdle in this. It was a labour of love for the two of us, as we prepared it for our travels to live in it for over 12 months. I do not want to be messing around with this next year.

There are some assets very dear to WH's heart that are in Australia... I was going to just let him have them but if he messes around with the car I may think differently, because those I can actually access without solicitor involved. Ooohh, that sounds sooo nasty. I really don't want it to get to that. I'm not sure if I could follow through anyway, I tend to talk tough, but cave in with him... and he knows that .

Aah, maybe you are right, and the money is not worth it. Though I am not sure if letting him score this advantage will not pizz me off more then his reluctance to settle up, lol!

Oh, and I can so see how the gaps in Plan B can effect a BS. I have a potential gap. WH can reach me on my parent's landline. Not that he knows for sure that I still live here, but he could achieve indirect contact (I rarely answer the phone because of the potential to break Plan B, though WH seems 100% committed to upholding it anyways). I can't change my parent's number and don't intend on staying here in the long term, so this is the best I can do. I realise some Plan B'ers may whack me for this!

Coming home from work today, my mother greeted me by saying she had taken a message from someone today that was going to make me very happy. Yep, my thoughts immediately flew to WH... had he rung? Was he willing to recover? Even though my logic knew otherwise, there was still hope...

But the good news was that a uni called... so still good news!

I can't deny the disappointment I felt though.

So for other Plan B'ers, plug up any holes in Plan B to make it easier for personal recovery.

I haven't posted in a while, still reading MB though. Just not much going on in Plan B, dark dark dark.

I had a rough week recently due to other things going on in life. I learned that someone I love dearly experienced something very traumatic. It was difficult for me in a couple of ways... it really upset me about my loved one's experience and that this happened years ago and I only just found out. I wasn't there for him as I should have been. I am glad he trusted me enough now to tell me.

I also missed having my husband there to share this with, to offer support while I offered support to my loved one. Thought I would share it with you all instead, gotta love having MB support.

I have learned recently just how much pain people I know and love have masked from me. I think once others saw me going through what I did, maybe they felt more inclined to share? I have become the relationship guidance guru, spouting MB principles to all and even going to lend a friend HNHN's.

I am more intuitive about people who have been cheated on, even when they don't say anything directly to me, the comments made to me, the knowing and sad smile.

Off to the city tomorrow for the weekend. Going to a play and a girls night out. Got a new dress for the occasion. Looking forward to it.

I hope this sounds as though I am making progress. I feel like I am.

Caracal

I know what you mean.....

For instance I have always wondered how parents of a murdered child could have empathy for the killer......or a victim forgiving the rapist........I just couldn't fathom it......not saying you have to forgive them......but I think we all know you can't hold onto that pain forever otherwise it will destroy you.

And in those times of immense pain and emotional turmoil......that when you reemerge and grow from that.......spiritually you are just different......even if you don't consider yourself a spiritual person........you have a compassion within you......an emotional depth to you......that really few people reach........

People can see that in you.......

(((CARACAL)))

Good to hear from you.

It is funny how after you get into PB, there isn't much to talk about anymore on your thread. I am glad that you are still sticking around MB and that you are helping others whenever you can. GREAT JOB.

Yes, you do sound like you are getting better. I am so happy that you are getting out and having some fun. Laughter really will help you through the hardest of days. Have people been telling you that you seem lie your old self? It always amazed me how much people noticed, I didn't even know that they cared.

It's also great that you are able to share MB with others. It's very hard to sit back and watch people who you KNOW could have better marriages if they would only listen, but people need to come to it as they are ready for something better. As long as you point to the path, you're doing the best thing for them.

Now, I can tell when someone's Bull-S story is a cover for an affair. I told my friend this recently about her sister. She was leaving her husband after 10 years of marriage. I told my friend that her sister was obviously having an EA at least. My friend didn't believe me, until 1 month after they separated, her sister introduced her new BF, just as I had predicted. My friend stood up to her, and has actually lost her entire family because of it(they are all mad at her), but she says she doesn't regret that she stood up to her sister. Sometimes doing the right thing can be very lonely. It's always right though.

Keep it up. You are doing great. Marathon, not a sprint.

Gee Scotland, kudos to your friend. Hope her family see sense in time, mad generally doesn't seem to last. I always like to hear of people who stand up and be counted for what is right, even when they are not the ones directly effected (although adultery always has a knock on effect for the family).

I know if I know of anyone cheating now I will be outspoken about it. When I was about 18 one of my friends had a long-term boyfriend who was cheating on her. Actually, he was even trying to get me to cheat with him, and I was dating my husband at the time. AND he was my husband's friend. I look back at how young and naive I was, and I would certainly do things different now. Still, I did tell my friend. It definitely put a strain on our friendship. She chose to continue seeing him, and he eventually left her to get engaged to someone he cheated on her with. Sad story, he and OW never got married, as shortly after he was killed in a car accident. Husband, I and my friend went to the funeral, and the OW was indignant that my friend went. Waywards code of conduct is pretty warped.

And my friend, we are still really close. Sadly she ended up marrying a wayward, now divorced. But she is very wise and has been a great influence on me during all of this.

Wow, I had forgotten about that, reading about your friend sent me down memory lane.

I have just realised I have hit month 3 of Plan B!

Now, I have a question that is not very Plan B, but I am growing curious... has there been any other Plan B'er whose WS has not attempted ANY contact? I remember Melody mentioning on my thread that in all of her time on MB there had only been one case. And in all of the reading I have done, the WS always tries to break Plan B, usually several times.

The no attempts to break Plan B certainly makes it easier on the BS. I think I may be the second one of no attempts to break Plan B. Anyone know who was the first? I would love to read that thread...

I think what you see in WS�s is that some are just simply more prone to cake eating.� Inevitably plan B has a greater affect on those types of WS�s.

So in those instances you see massive attempts to poke holes in the BS�s plan B.

Outside of that I don't think it's significant of anything.

Hang in there.
�
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Hey Finah, its significant if I get second place! I want the silver medal lol.

Thanks for keeping my spirits up.

I still would love to read about the other plan b er if anyone knows it.

Just to know I'm not some freak bw! Just kidding, I'm just curious as in so many other ways WH is EXACTLY like all waywards. So why this difference?

Someone is going to hit you w/ a 2x4�won�t be me though
�
You know it doesn�t matter unless the criteria are met for recovery.
�
Is it normal or abnormal for a WS to try and break plan B?
�
What is normal?� Yes there are certain guidelines all WS seem to follow.
�
But they are all unique alien creatures.
�
�
�
From my perspective and what little experience I have.
�
�
You don�t want him to try and break plan B.
�
It shows he is still crazy wayward and has no regard for YOU, only himself and what he wants.
�
For all we know he cries his wayward self to sleep every night b/c he can�t get rid of skank ho.
�
�
�
Doesn�t matter��b/c you don�t want that type of man in your life.
�
You want a man who would literally take a bullet for you��
�
I wouldn�t settle for less if I was a woman.
�
�
�
But I have it out for all WH�s��.if I ever met one�..you can be rest assured I�d hit them in the face��.same goes for POSOM�s

The attempted breaks in Plan B are no picnic. I know that you aren't hoping for him to try, you are just wondering why he isn't.

Even when the WS tries to break Plan B, it doesn't mean anything about marital recovery. See, it's all about the wayward. I know that my WH initially tried to break Plan B because he was so used to having things his way, and he thought we had an agreement about what we were going to do when he left. I changed all of his plans by not allowing contact, or for him to come into my home to visit with the children. So I think that in my WH's case, it was about control. He threw everything at me at first. Then, he got better about not contacting me, which was better for my personal recovery. Now, when he tries to circumvent my IM, I actually look at it as a slap in the face. He still wants to gain control over me, and that makes me mad. It still has nothing to do with marital recovery, he is still in his affair, living with OW, so it's about HIM.

I don't know who the first person is that MelodyLane is talking about, but I think that person NEVER had her WH try to contact her. Usually, the WS attempts contact at some point. But, if you change your phone numbers, your email addys and everything else, you wouldn't even know they were trying to contact.

I hope you haven't been looking for contact. That would be bad for your personal recovery.

I thought he sent you an email, in direct contradiction to your wishes not to be contacted, just so he could put his own selfish argument across?

If that isnt breaking Plan B........

You wont know either whether he has tried to break it, because you have changed numbers etc.

Yes you may still have gaps, but 'Breaking' Plan B is always a half-hearted effort.

Has to be doesnt it? Because if they were serious about talking to you..... they would do the simplest, easiest thing in the world that it would be for a man in love to do.

Tell the IM that they will do anything. NC letter? No problem.

Anything less is just whistling in the wind. They might as well not bother raising a hand, than with the paltry whining efforts they use to 'break' plan B.

Anyway enough about the village of the damned, I think its brilliant you are putting your best, pink toed foot forward to make yourself a happy life.

That you are on one continent and he is on another would make it less simple for him to do attempts, at least physically.
If you were on the same continent, he would have probably been challenging it here or there.

Anyway.

Plan B. B for beautiful. B for brave. B for best (given circumstances).

These words accompanied me into my girls only weekend. Thanks finah.

For others thinking about Plan B, when I first entered it, I couldn't contemplate life without my husband in my future. Now I can. I may not be decided on what that future is, but it isn't as scary as it once was.

I have an address in UK for you

You're right on the money Scotland. I have been wondering why he hasn't. I actually wondered if it in some way reflected on the marriage, that maybe for him it was so awful that he is now running for all he is worth.

Then I had the thought (ok, definitely time for the hammer!) that maybe not breaking it is because he is such a good guy even in his waywardness that he is respecting my wishes. Don't worry all, I have already slapped myself over this thought! Just wanted to let others know how easy the BS fog can come back when we let ourselves try to make sense of nonsense.

I can see what you mean that in your and a lot of other sitch's, breaks in Plan B are about control.

I'll simply keep enjoying my dark Plan B and let WH control the farm ho. I don't want the pathetic person he has become.

Love this reading!

So I had a really good weekend. Still, had some trigger moments I probably could have done without. The play I saw (based on a true story)ended up being all about an immigrant who fled his own country (and wife and child) to go to Canada and shack up with a 23-year-old. Grrr! Ain't coincidences grand? I hated it. From beginning to end I was tempted to smack the poor actor in the face, and the actress who wrote it (who happened to be the reason why we were there as she is a friend of a friend).

I still had a good night post play. Nice to wear a new dress and chat with friends. I have realised though that I do have to be very wary of male attention. The self-esteem has taken a nose-dive, and I had a few guys approaching me. They weren't my type anyway and I extricated myself easily, but it gave me a bit of a wake-up call that my ego is really bruised with all of this. My ego sees any attention as good attention. Yep, EN's would be easily met, even by someone who is all wrong for me. NOT going to happen, one heartbreak at a time thanks.