And our kids, and closest friends, too. You will have to find the targets that have the biggest effect over your W, the ones that can have that great influence over her. Without the big shame, feeling of deep humiliation she will NEVER get to taste the reality or feel the pain she has caused to her closest and you will NEVER have that chance to recovery. Never.

My H sent OMW an email stating the fact that me and her H were having an affair and if she wanted proof or more detail, he would send these to her. After that OM thanked him for ruining his life...

The point is about telling the truth. Living a lie, knowing something that appears not to be true is corrupting and very hurtful.

Over the past years we have been able to develop good close relationship with our kids who are now teens and talk openly about the possible threats and stuff they need to know about relationships. And talk about the mistakes people make.

So MAN UP and expose now, stop making up excuses.

The big exposure has several reasons behind it;

It puts pressure on the wayward to end the affair from sources that may currently have influence over the wayward that the betrayed spouse does not.

It puts eyes on the affair partner.

It reveals those who are or are not friends of the marriage. Friends of the marriage will NEVER support or justify the behavior of a wayward. Enemies of the marriage will. Once you kill the affair, once recovery begins, you do not want to allow the influence of enemies of the marriage to be present any more.

It improves support for the betrayed spouse. You KNOW, RIGHT NOW how isolating and crushing it is to be betrayed by your spouse. GET SOME SUPPORT FROM YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY!

It avoids the building of resentment from keeping secrets from friends and family, and can shield against commentary from friends and family which may be triggering during recovery.

It keeps a former wayward vigilant, because they know that the eyes of friends of the marriage are on them.


There are far more POSITIVES for a nuclear exposure than NEGATIVES.

Quit waffling and do it.

Oh, don't be so innocent. You had already heard from a few people who had exposed and were in recovery or recovered, but you ignored their evidence and pretended that here was only one positive response on your thread.

"A lot of folks had replied to your post" and several of them have given you success stories, but you keep implying that these are rare, or not typical.

I doubt that you "upset" markos by asking a questions. You might have done so by proving that you are unwilling to stand up for your kids. That upsets me.

Thanks SugarCane, I do appreciate the honesty. But I am a little dissapointed that you are being so critical of someone because they are asking questions or because they haven't jumped on board 100% having only been here for a day. I had said I am coming around and starting to get on board. I am not trying to ignore anyone's post. I appreciate the replies and have found most of them helpful. And no, I am not just looking for someone to say something negative. You can search to expose or not and find several people on both sides of the fence.

I am just trying to work through this and yes, I am asking a lot of questions. That doesn't mean I am challenging the answers or the system. It sounds like it works for many, and that's great. I am just trying to figure out if it's right for me and how to plan for it. When someone sends a response like what you just sent, it feels much like a used care salesman tactic (act now or this deal won't be here tomorrow!) and that doesn't make me jump at it, that actually slows me down and makes me take a harder look at what I'm being told.

Just a thought.... but thanks for the honesty, that I do need to hear!

Giraffe6

And Please re-read SugarCane's reply with open eyes.

You brought this up yesterday, and I posted about it yesterday.

Please stop posting new stuff and take some time to review your thread. You are obviously missing a lot of very good and helpful comments. We can't help you if you only retain 10% of what you read and we have to repeat it nine more times. I know you are in a terrible emotional state with what is going on, but if you are going to survive, it is going to require that you get a grip, read the advice you are being given, act on it, and quit obsessing over the same fears, over and over again.

I read you to be saying you will think for months and do nothing.

Be wary if your wife says she needs to think about whether she is going to choose you or the OM. She will drag that out as long as possible, thinking and doing nothing, just as you are doing here.

Wow, this really turns against someone if they don't buy in right away. What is going on here? Look I am just trying to get some help. I am glad you are able to jump at something as soon as a few people tell you it's great or that it's THE answer! I am just trying to get serveral opinions. I am not trying to upset anyone here. I am just trying to figure things out. I would think you haven't gone through this before the way you are acting. I don't think most folks on here read some posts and acted on it the first day.

Sorry for just trying to think it through, I haven't mean to offend anyone by asking questions. BTW.... if you see a question or a post you don't like, you don't have to reply. Man, thanks for making me feel worse than I already do! How nice of you to pass judgement on someone you don't even know.

Sugarcane is hardly a used car salesman and her sentiments reflect the feelings of many of us here. I am offended you said that to someone who is here freely offering you help. She doesn't have to waste a single post on you and neither do the others. We have saved our marriages, after all. You are the one in need.

We have given you all the evidence to rightly conclude that exposure is the right thing to do. Yet you continue to come up with new "questions", which are really objections disguised as "questions." We can tell the difference.

Yes, exposure is "right for you" if you are serious about saving your marriage and we have given you the reasons why. You already know that keeping it a secret doesn't work.

Folks have spent alot of time and effort reasoning with you and it appears to have been wasted effort. Which is frustrating to us, because we have careers and families of our own. We don't have alot of free time to waste on someone who is not serious when there are so many others here who are serious.

WE have given you the tools for the best chance to save your marriage. Whether you choose to use them or not is up to you. There is nothing more we can do for you if you don't use those tools.

I wish you the best.

Are you under the impression that you should talk about this until you aren't scared any more, before you act? That you have to get to the point where you aren't scared before you should do anything?

If so, you are gravely mistaken.

You should be scared. Your wife is having an affair. Nothing could possibly be scarier.

Sometimes when I give my sons a shower, they'll start balking at washing their hair and tell me they are scared to put their heads under the running water. I calm them down, get them quiet, and then explain to them that even though they are scared, they can still do it, and they have to do it. Sometimes we have to do things that are uncomfortable or scare us. That's just how life is.

If you are waiting for all your fears to go away, first, you are going to be a skeleton before anything gets better. I hope that scares you a bit.

Sigh. I took a great deal of time composing that post just so that you would know that I WASN'T being critical of you for asking questions. Did you read a word I said? You clearly did not understand it.

Not on this site, you can't. You won't find a single person on this site who will advise against exposure, so stop searching around here for such a person.

Well, good luck with your slowing down and trying to find a better deal than MB. If your "taking a harder look" makes you reject the MB plans, you're a (TOS).

markos, I feel like you are turning this into a personal attack. I'm not sure I understand that. You send a post that is half telling me to stop wasting your time and half offering me advice, makes it difficult to reply.

I am going through a tough time, which I assumed would be obvisou since I am here. I'm sorry if I miss some of a post or repeat a question, it's not on purpose. If you don't like something or you feel you already answered it 8 times, don't feel you have to reply again. I do appreciate the support I've got here, but the past few posts have felt more like attacks.

Exposure sounds like a good option. And I am giving all of this a lot of thought. And for me part of the process is to ask questions. I'm sure everyone goes through this in a different way. I'm not trying to offend or make anyone mad. Please know that I truly appreciate the help and support, but if I am frustrating you at all, please don't feel obligated to reply.

Thanks,
G6

Giraffe, I'm trying to help you. You will receive a lot more help if you listen more.

You are asking to be spoonfed data about exposure. The data exists for easy collection by you, instead of you bothering all these nice people and asking them to repeat things to you nine times. And even when people spoonfeed it to you, you ask the same questions and bring up the same objections over and over again.

You have nothing to prove to us. It doesn't matter if you offend us or not. We simply want to help you, and are having trouble doing that because YOU ARE NOT LISTENING.

YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, SIR.

How much clearer do we have to be?

I know you are emotionally distraught right now. Will you please listen closely to us as we help you find the way out? Stop having a back and forth with each individual poster who posts to you. Stop answering each individual post.

In fact, I think it would be best if you almost completely stop talking and start listening.

Please take a break. Please go reread your entire thread.

I believe I will take this excellent advice. I wish you the best.

I just wonder how long you think it will be before someone comes along and contradicts everyone else.

It appears your questions have been asked and answered. Asking them again is just stalling.

I will admit that you have started asking questions about making a plan.

That is what you need to be doing, making a plan.

Do you have evidence? Consolidate it.

Think of as many exposure targets as you can and make plans to blanket them at one time. This keeps the affair couple from getting their alibis and lies straight.

Once you get the timeline together, then do it. Tell your kids in person or over the phone if necessary, but let them hear it from your voice.

Calmly and rationally tell it. No embellishing, no expectations, just information. Ask for help in stopping it so your marriage can survive.

I told my parents, my in-laws and my kids in person. Told church leaders in person and showed them printouts.

Some people will disappoint you and some will surprise you. If they think you have done wrong, then you need to be rid of them anyway.

You seem to think you have something to lose. You don't. It is already lost, accept that. Your wife has fallen in love with another man, whatever that means. If you want her back, you have to accept that and accept that she doesn't love you now. You have a lot of work to do if she stays with you.

Drastic action is needed. You have to get that.

I am having an awesome day. My wife and children came for lunch. It was fantastic. In a little while we are going to go work ourselves to death at the gym together.

I'm here to help you. Please listen closely and don't try to prove yourself right or justify yourself. It's counterproductive to the help you can receive here.

If you are defending yourself, then that means you are acting defensive, you know?

Quit being so defensive. You are shooting yourself in the foot.

No reply is needed, Giraffe. Stop trying to rebut everybody who posts to you.

Do you want help recovering your marriage, or do you want to be right on an Internet forum?

You are not just asking questions. You are obsessing about fears. The fears, doubts, and questions you are discussing today are the same ones you discussed yesterday. You would be well-served to go back and reread.


They certainly do, and we are trying to give you some tips about which ways are productive and which ways are unproductive.

I am glad to hear you are giving exposure a lot of thought. But I also know that you may be thinking so long that your opportunity passes you by.

Also, I know that you might think quicker if you'd invest some time reading through what other people have been through.

I have three daughters, two of whom are grown. There are things that come along that they need to take care of now that I may have taken care of for them in the past. At times they will even ask me what to do, and I tell them my opinion. And, almost invariably, they balk because they are uncomfortable doing what I say. This infuriates me, and I usually say something like, "You asked me, and I told you. Do it or don't, it's up to you."

I am at that point now.

It's only a wasted effort if you feel it is. I truly appreciate all of the advice. I didn't mean to offend you or anyone else. I made the used car comment because I just felt like I was being pressured to do something that I am still processing in my head. I can tell that you guys are truly on board with the benefits of exposure. And I agree it sounds like the right thing. But as I'm sure most folks do, I am just struggling with it being a different approach. You know we're pretty much all that way, we know a way to do something or what is the "norm" and it's tough to stray from that. I agree that the path I'm on hasn't worked but I am still scared and trying to work it out. No I don't plan to wait until all of my fears are gone.... again I've just found this site and started posting in the past day so give me a few minutes to think it through

I apoligize to you, marcos and SugarCane! I understand that we all have jobs to do and this isn't our full time job and I appreciate you all for giving your time to answer posts. I am just frustrated myself and sad, which I'm sure you can all understand. It's not that I came here for a big hug, I just am looking for answers. And I can tell you all have given me the answer you truly belive is the right one for me and for everyone in this situation. I respect that. I am just processing everything that's going on.