The car.
You can not control what WH does otherwise,
what makes you think you can control his car actions?
You can't.
IM made clear what you wish and drop it unless legal action occurs to divvy stuff up.

Find money elsewhere for now.

Release control.

Refocus. Replan. Let go.

The car is an inanimate object you used to get from one place to another and you sat in it next to WH when times were good. Memories are powerful but face them head on and say to yourself "Heck. That was a lot of adventure and fun! I enjoyed that." and then put in on paper and collect your memories to treasure.

What he is doing now does not change the treasured memories. It colors them with the outcome but it doesn't change the fact you had those experiences.

YK?

Now.......enjoy the rest of the roller coaster ride.

I agree with reading

You are here in the UK too. Also encouraged to sit down and chat about it face to face in mediation 'because its best to be 'amicable'' (I truly hate, loathe and despise that word)

If we could sort out issues amicably WE WOULDNT BE GETTING DIVORCED!!!!

Argghh - the law IS an [censored].

Yeah, Cari, It would be great if he had a shred of human decency and could face the consequences of what he's done - but it may be asking too much of a wayward.

I am the same with the 'let me rent the house out' thing. I like that AA mantra

'God give me the grace and serenity to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I cannot accept'

I read that about how people divide stuff pre D but figured that
you are still open to rebuilding and waiting things out and he is the one abandoning the marriage
and
how does one
divide stuff with someone who has abandoned you in the relationship?

I still say, until legal stuff happens and you must split things, how would you?

YK?

Sorry all, I don't want you to think I am ignoring your responses to me. My internet has been spasmodic recently, I have only been accessing from work (tsk tsk) and phone. And in true Plan B fashion, I have been keeping myself busy!

No. I know it will not be a hardship on him. I worry that the further entrenched he gets in the affair the less likely I will ever see that money. Some part of me rebels at him being financially better off when he is the guilty party. I'm always been a big believer in justice. These events have definitely shaken that.

You are right reading. I need to let go of more than just the car. I still miss my husband. Even 5 months out of D Day, 4 months of Plan B.

Its been quite a week. Some ups and downs on the coaster just due to life events. Re-reading this has hit me a bit in a different way than you intended. Because I know that deep down part of me is waiting things out. I feel if I make the decision to move forward 100% there is no going back even if H does reappear and want recovery. And I think that is so sad. I read it on others threads, and I don't want that yet. I feel a little like I am teetering on the edge, about to jump, but hesitant to. Some part of me still feels GUILTY, like WH deserves the full separation period to come to his senses. Despite knowing divorce is coming my way, I don't seem to be making a better life for myself in the here and now. I am just biding my time, occupying myself, until that divorce paper is in my hand. Crazy or what?

I just need to vent and have no-one to do it to at the moment.

I HATE WAYWARDS!!! HATE HATE HATE THEM!!!

I am finding it a real learning curve, dealing with someone else's wayward where I can be objective rather than subjective. Seeing through the lies so easily. They are just so pathetic.

I am also seeing where I went so disastrously wrong. Where I was weak. And wishing it was different for me, that I had been different. Beating myself up a bit.

Pity party over. I have been listening to 30 seconds to mars... THIS IS WAR!!!

I am also sporting the worlds worst case of sunburn, I am sure of it. So not a good look, lucky my face and arms are free of it, my legs, back and feet another story. Got it a week ago at the races, only started to walk properly today. The strange thing is, when I cook a steak it shrinks, but my feet have swelled! Weird. And ouch! Time for more aloe vera...

Sun burn? We had our first snowfall this morning. YEA SNOW.

Don't beat yourself up about not seeing things more clearly before. Instead, look at how much you have learned and grown. AWESOME.

Just blogging in Plan B, finally getting to catch up on MB!

I have been surrounded by affairs recently. They are everywhere. Some of it has triggered me a LOT.

Two weeks in, and I am STILL suffering with sunburn. I think I should have gone to a doctor, it actually now looks a little like frostbite, a frightening purple. The Aussie mantra is ringing in my ears whenever someone sees my feet... slip, slop, slap. Everyone thinks I've been in frosty UK too long.

I have had a couple of cracks in Plan B but nothing serious.

First one was WH's response to IM about, you guessed it, the car (bet you're all thinking WHEN will she let go of this?) Apparently WH asked IM if I would buy him out of car. For any newbie reading this, this is wayward fogbabble at its finest. We are on separate continents. He has the car in his continent. A once perfectly logical, rational man. At least he can still get me to laugh. At him.

Maybe I'll just swing by and pick the car up from him. Have a cuppa with OW. Be best of friends and have a fantasy divorce.

Anyway, my IM responded (and I think she struggled with remaining impartial). Voila, apparently I am getting the funds, no negotiating needed. But until the money is in my account I know better... NEVER trust the word of a wayward.

Also, at the races I saw our best man, someone I have always admired for his loyalty. I have no doubt he saw me as well, but he did not approach me. Awkward. He was an exposure target. His silence hurt. It seems that all of my exposure targets now avoid me, like I am the guilty one. I then wonder if they got my email or not. I know this is silly, but I worry about what WH has spun about me, and I am the one in the country having to face the gossip etc.

But as my IM asked, how did you look when he saw you. And I know I looked my best, had lots of compliments from strangers on the dress. :

Yeah caracal, lol have a cup and don't forget to bring his decoder ring and leggos to him also

I thought down under the " men roar and the women thunder", like the song?

I would think the best man would man up and thrash your WH in defense of you, are the courts that wimpy there too?

Reminds me of that age old biblical question, "why do the wicked prosper?"
Methinks it really asks the question, what do you consider prosperity? It's a check on our hearts and minds

What a world, men think they are men when they act like boys, and little boys are made to take on the roles of men, and it is all about the the illusion of power, when grown men are being accually controlled by emotion, and little boys know that mommy and daddy are in trouble, and try to fill the void responsibly

Jeez, I was once a young man and I understand the temptation of women and fantasy, but the difference was I knew it was fantasy

Still saw a ton of men playing the game, and justifying it, with all thier buddy's help. Would rather be alone and respected, than belong to the "He-man women hatred club"

But honestly, we are alone with our conscience, and as much as we think we can fool it, somewhere inside we know the truth, and others do too

Yeah lol, buy him out, it's no joke, but it still is funny, how little boys think

May you have a joyous holiday season

That prob was the intention too!



The silence from 'our friends' (now wh's friends) is deafening! I bet the same thing will happen when I see one.



high five!

I wish someone had manned up and at least done a confrontation. I think everyone finds it a bit difficult to do over the phone though. The offender skipping the country makes rolling up the shirt sleeves and puffing the chest out a tad difficult.

I do find it strange that so many people treat an affair like it is something that should remain between the spouses. I don't get this. After all, an affair involves another person from outside the marriage, so shouldn't that open it up for public discussion?

Thank-you CP. For reminding me that there are emotionally mature men with integrity still out there, at a time when I see a lot of boys chasing a fantasy and not caring who gets hurt in the process.

Exactly. I chuckle with black humour everytime I think about this. I wonder if when questioned the wayward can ever see glimpses of the illogical thought processes that go on. I doubt it.

Whilst our savings were shared together for travelling, I have been the bigger income-earner whilst we were in the UK. This was a dent in husband's pride for a while but it never bothered me as he contributed to the household in lots of other ways that I couldn't. Funny enough, I now suspect poor WH may not be enjoying life on his own income and wants me to bail him out.

You too CP!

WARNING: A rant follows. It is a bit male-bashing, but I do not mean this to ALL men (just the ones in my life at the moment).

CP, this among other things you wrote has stuck with me. These feelings have been brewing for a while.

Not one male I know has stood up to WH for me. Not one.

To be fair, my brother (who has been a BH) wanted to on one occasion, after quite a few drinks. I was still defending WH at that stage and protecting him from exposure, as well as worried about my brother jeoprodising any future relationship with WH should we reconcile (yep, very early in the piece). I talked him out of it on that day, and it has never been mentioned since.

Oh, and there was a very polite and enabling conversation from my father. I love my father dearly. I know he loves me. I know he loves the husband I had, and misses him terribly. But my father is a huge conflict avoider and I suspect he blames me for my WH's behaviour. My father is a chauvinist and I know he thinks I have failed my husband in some way and driven him to an affair. This infuriates and upsets me.

I am so disappointed with the men in my life. Many Australian men I know love to beat their chests over any minor transgression to show they are a man. But when the s#@t hits the fan, where are they? My WH is one of them. So keen to rise to any challenge from another male, but unable or unwilling to rise to the challenge of being a man in life's responsibilities, in the simple tasks. So keen to rise to the challenge whenever another man threatened his "turf" (me) during our marriage, but throwing me under a bus when he claims another territory.

I have learned a lot about myself. This has shown me how traditional I am in my views of males being my knight in shining armour. Me, an independent and up until now, ambitious woman. I didn't even take my WH's surname, as I was, and still am, proud of my family, my background, of who I am (much to my father's disgust, he still to this day thinks I should have taken WH's name, like maybe this is part of the reason for the affair!!!) But underneath it all, I want a man to rescue me or defend me. I guess my reading on here has shown only I can rescue / defend myself. I struggle with this, but I need to accept and act on it.

Interestingly, it is the women in my life that have taken up arms against WH. My mother (the only one that I know of to speak sternly to WH through this) and my Yoda (IM). Several female friends I have relied heavily on have mentioned to me "I just want to slap him!" Glad I am not the only one. But from the men, my father, my brother, my male friends (all spouses of female friends, or BIL's or WH's friends) zip, zero, zilch.

Admittedly, in Plan B I do not know what WH's side is doing. But I suspect very little given the lack of contact with me.

Same for me, nobody -as far as I know- has challenged him. According to J's parents they've had 'conversations' with him but what was said is between them and I'm not privvy to it.

As for others, I guess some just chose to believe the lies J has spun about our marriage to justify his affair.
Makes for an easier life I suppose...

Guess what Caracal, not only did the men in my life not stand up for me, even when I asked, they infuriate me because they don't even shun him at all.

My brother told my son a short while back, "Say Hi to your dad for me." Really? He should have said, "Tell your dad I'll kick his azz if I see him." I asked my dad why he didn't say anything or do anything. He said, "What you want me to beat him up(and he would if I asked)?" I said, "No but telling him you're disappointed or something would have been nice." My FIL said, "I don't think it would matter what I said to him, he would ignore me anyways." A couple of our friends treat him the same. NO ONE STOOD UP. Dunno that it would have made a difference to my WH, but it sure as heck woulda made a difference to ME.

Im doing a little better on that front. When it all came out my dad and male cousins all offered to give him a pasting (that means an azz kicking, my transatlantic cousins) but I said that no one touches him, firstly because I don�t agree with violence and secondly because he would love to play the victim.

So they have avoided him to keep themselves from hitting him. My uncle, who was really good pals with my WH said he was just going to tell him �you and me are done� � which I know would hurt him a lot.

But it�s our couple friends who have hurt me the most. The complete silence from the girls especially. It�s like everyone is embarrassed for me. Or about the affair becoming public. Or maybe embarrassed because they knew and were too chicken to say anything.

Personally I think exposure was worth doing just to find out who your real friends are.

Yeah. It was too chicken on all counts

I Know where the courts stand on violence, and it's kinda funny how it works, because the same cops who would arrest you for giving a WH a beating, would still agree sometimes that they would do the same thing in your shoes

Ok, it's not really man-bashing, any more than it's women bashing for calling a WW on her crap, it's all crap and still smells the same

Most young men I know realize that I make my daughter face reality, and respect that also if it came down to it, I would gladly give my life to protect her. I respect her, don't allways agree with her, but call a spade a spade, she does too, and before her mom fell apart, so did she.

Now my boys know also that they are responsible for thier choices, and there are allways consequences to everything, done or not done, so blessed on that front also

When I was younger have stood in court with abused women when thier family,(my outlaws), would not bother, even though I knew they were loopy, because that didn't mean they deserved abuse. Even though I knew they would still cut my throat later with there actions. (Feed wife drugs or alcohol and "Fight for her right to party", )

Of course it was behind my back, because gee it was more fun that way no?

Then the so-called men would talk about how crazy their sisters were, and be the first to support thier drug habits and drinking

I knew about the fear factor in people, and the violence that comes from it, like all animals cornered they will fight

When WW was being gaslighted by her very large and healthy farm-boy stepbrother in her home state, she was in rebellion mode and I was the bad guy, he came to me and told me if I ever harmed a hair on her head, he would make me wish I wasn't born. I smiled at him and told him he was a good brother, and things are not what they seemed.

Their whole family is and has been damaged by alcoholism, drug abuse, and I don't have an answer for them, but I still stand alone, because I have to

That's ok, I'm in good company now

Being 54 and really pretty beat up from work and diabetes, I can't stand up to these guys like I used to, but would if I had to, knowing life isn't worth living in the shadow of fear.

Been there done that as a little kid, and not willing to live that way with animals, after all that is what we are, with hopefully a conscience

Maryse, reading this I had this mental "conversation". "So dear, how is the weather today? Your health? Oh, and how is that affair going with skankosaurus? Still rutting with her?"

Somehow I think we may be better off not being "privvy" to it.

Exactly. I don't agree with violence, but a verbal butt kicking would have been nice. Turning the other cheek seems WRONG. Like its becoming an accomplice to the adultery and betrayal.

I am grateful for those that have expressed disapproval. I know I will NEVER support adultery.

Rather than Plan B blogging, I have a question!

My IM has had limited contact with WH and I don't find out about what is written / text (the means of communication). A few weeks ago IM indicated WH was venting, who knows and really cares about who or what. I didn't go into what her response was or should be.

Having thought about it and read that Plan B is about putting pressure on OW to meet WH's EN's, I am worried that WH may not only be trying to justify to IM, but in some way venting to her and not OW. I suspect he would have very few people he can vent to and is using IM in some ways.

I am also concerned tht WH thinks his messages may be getting passed to me, and is therefore trying to justify justify justify believing IM is telling me.

I thought about any future contact IM makes clear what message is going to me "I will only tell Caracal pertinent information. I will tell her that the funds are in her account, this is the only pertinent information", etc.

Or does she just ignore it?