Wow, talking to BH made me feel so bad. Since d-day I have forgotten all the happy future plans we had talked about pre-affair. We used to talk about adopting a child, retiring in Greece and getting a sailboat. I totally forgot about all those plans until we were talking about the Greek crisis and he was talking about why he would like to retire there. It made me feel pretty terrible that I destroyed all our dreams and that I forgot about it as well. All I can do is attempt to clean up and pick up the pieces the best I can.

Just need to keep working on cleaning up my side of the fence.

I know he has voiced that he thinks things/people never change, he is a pessimist (what he said) and thinks that people cannot change. So working hard on showing him that is not true:) Whether that changes anything or not does not matter...just want to show him that change is possible.

My only question is how honest and open to be. Do I tell him absolutely everything or things out of the ordinary.

So far I tell him if anything besides the normal happens when I am not with him, if I leave my school even for a minute or see anything out of the norm (like OM). I send him an email about my thoughts and feelings once a week. I let him know by text message who I am with, where I am and when I leave.

So not too much is going on.

UA time is all over the place based on when he feels like spending UA time with me. I do not push for it as I know he does not like it. We spend a lot of timer at home together but not much of it for UA. But we do have a couple of trips coming up in the next two months where it is just us. So we'll see how that goes.

Still working on personal recoveries. I think I am have been doing a good job letting go of expectations most of the time. I have also been working through the home study courses on my own and getting him to join if he feels like participating and doing the workbook. Been doing okay not committing love busters and being as open and honest as I can without making him uncomfortable.

It's scary trying to plan a future without him but it must be done and I do need to be prepared if that day comes.

Eeek it is 10 months until my contract ends. It seems like nothing has changed since BH requested that we divorce when I finish my contract.
UA time has been good the past week. He is quite enthusiastic about hanging out and doing recreational activities, conversing and such. But it does not seem to have changed his decision or feelings.
I know that he is saddened by the idea we may not work out.
It is confusing because his actions say one thing and his words another.
He just does not care anymore and I cannot change that. I can continue implementing my EP's and being RH and trying to POJA decisions. But that is all I can do. If that is not enough, that is all I can do.

I just wanted to write an update.
I have decided that the best thing for me to do is to let this relationship go, well there is not much of one and hasn't since he asked for a D. It is not healthy for me. I still love him with all my heart and wish things were different. I still wish I did not have sex with the OM and maybe just maybe he would not be the way he is now. But I cannot undo the past, I cannot go back in time, I can only live with the present and the future.
His 5 year plan is pull off some great crime of the century. No he has not made actual plans but is thinking about it for his 5 year plan. That may be a cool idea in the movies or fun to watch in the movies. But not in real life. I cannot be around someone who does not have ambitions to succeed the right way. I cannot raise children with him.
Another thing, all the UA time in the world and good times we spend together has not changed a single thing.
And I am not in contact with OM. Nor am I being wayward by having an affair with other men and have not broken any EP's.
I just realized that unless he is willing to change and go down the right paths in life I should not be there. It is not healthy for me and I do not want to get dragged down a path that is dangerous and wrong.
My only hopes for him is to find love again and hopefully that will be enough to stop him from all the immoral activities he is thinking about.
I am sad and feel guilty for all of this. But I think the best choice for me is to go through with the divorce when he wants it next year.

If that's what you want to do, then why wait?

Sounds like you're still letting him drive your life, when it might be best at this point to take the reins.

You don't get back the years spent in an unfulfilling relationship. Once they are spent, they are gone, never to return.

True MIM. But at the current time the situation works out for the best in terms of money and living situation. When my contract is up, we are moving back to our home country where we will file.

(((WW26)))

I wonder how much of him talking about this "5 year plan" of his is to push you away. Perhaps he knows how much this kind of talk hurts you, and maybe you're getting to him.

HHH gave me the analogy once of my H having a hard, protective shell. My efforts to meet ENs are like throwing handfuls of rice at that shell. There are some cracks there, and sometimes, if I've thrown enough rice, a few make it through the cracks. At the risk of making a DJ, I'd guess that when he realizes there's a crack there because something made it through, he tries to patch it. I think my H's way of patching is to steadfastly refuse to meet my top EN's of affection, admiration, and conversation. If you are getting through to your H, maybe he's trying to push you away.

I know that's not a solution, that's just me playing armchair psychoanalyst...

I think you and I are much the same, in that we recognize that we can't control someone else, we can't "make" them do anything, and we know that the only person we have any control over is ourself. Hey, I read your posts on my thread! I had a friend tell me that I was just too analytical - which totally makes sense considering the things I enjoy doing at work (I'm a self-confessed statistics geek!). Analytical thinking is not a bad thing - it allows us to look at a situation through various perceptual "lenses" to create a better understanding of a problem and to generate a wide variety of solutions. The problem is that with *this* particular problem we're dealing with - the state of our marriage - is that we're unable to be objective about it. It's too personal, and that causes us to mis-think the limits of our own perceptual lenses.

I'm very good at seeing the logic of the situation - recognizing how my A came about, recognizing the deficiencies present in our pre-A M that I contributed to, and recognizing the effectiveness of the MB plan. But I'm viewing my sitch through my own bias - I am, in effect, blinded by my love for my H. Do we see them as who they are, or do we see them as how we want them to be?

I don't know. How much of the H I saw during our initial R was the "real" H? I believe that the man he was then is who is deep inside that shell of his. I wish I'd been able to reach and nurture that part of him throughout our relationship, instead of becoming bitter, disrespectful, and LB'ing him.

Only you can decide, ultimately, what to do. He has to commit to making you feel safe, just as you have to try to make him feel safe. If you're doing your part as far as EPs and need-meeting, the rest is up to him. You're still under one roof and you still have far more opportunities for UA time and EN meeting than in my sitch - you say your hope is for him to find love again, and that may still be with you. But if not, if he still wants a D next year, you can sit back and feel that you did what you could. At least that's what I'm trying to do. I won't stop my H from obtaining a D if that's what he truly wants, but until then I'll keep doing what I can.

I'm rambling - like I said, I'm great at analyzing stuff but not so great at objectivity - just wanted you to know that I hear you!

ww26,
you should at least separate yourself from anything he might be responsible for, don't let yourself be caught up in anything you don't want to be a part of..
you can't let this destroy who you are, you made a mistake but you can't pay for it the rest of your life,
get a plan for you and just work on yourself so when you come out of this there will be something of you left to move on...........
you can't control him only what you do and think and plan for yourself.....stop feeling guilty.........you are trying to do what is the better thing to do after a mistake and that is all you can do
good luck and I feel for you. i know you are hurting.
jessi

Thanks WPG and Jessi.

I pretty much have resigned myself to the fact I think this is just not good for myself at least unless things change. During the time we have under the same roof, we still still hang out, chat, do things together and I will still continue meeting all his needs to the best of my ability. He meets some of mine so it works based on the situation we are currently in. If by some miracle he falls back in love with me and he does not want to plan anything that would risk his freedom, then I would be more than happy to take the path of recovery.

I know my BH has a wonderful caring side, but that side has slowly disappeared since D-day. I am hoping it comes back but have no expectations.

I just do not know who my H is anymore. The side of him that I disliked or hid from me is just coming out more and more. He has told me before that he tried to be a good person for me. Now he has no reason. I do not like what he is turning to and he knows that. He knows that I do not value things obtained in the wrong manner.

I know he has a sweet, caring side. I would not have married him otherwise. Even if I cannot save the marriage, that is fine. I just cannot stand here and watch him change into someone I do not know. I do not know whether he says these things because it is a LB. So for now, we are together until spring next year. I will continue working on my personal recovery, thinking and working on my life goals and meeting his needs. But next spring if things are the same, and he wants a D and a different lifestyle, I am fine with that. I cannot control him and I do not want to go down the path he is thinking about.

Arrrg. So a few months ago, I got a brand new phone and never blocked OM's number on this phone. I thought whatever why bother it has been 8 months NC. Well today, after 11 months of NC, he suddenly out of the blue decides to message me telling me that a friend was talking about what happened to other people and he wanted to wish me well and hope that BH and I were doing okay. (wanted to vomit)

I felt sick to stomach. I told BH about it as soon as I saw the message. I think it triggered BH but he did not want to talk about much. The little bit that i gathered is that he is still extremely angry and feels like OM has not received his punishment.

Why on earth would he message me after so long? I ignored the text and proceeded to block him. But this kind of set me back on personal recovery and triggered all sorts of emotions and regrets about what I did as well as put BH in a bad place.

Instead if focusing on WHY he called, I want you to focus on FIXING this so it doesn't ever happen again.

Was this a new number? How did OM get it? Why wasn't he blocked?

Not a new number. The same number. He was blocked on the previous phone but not this one as I forgot the password to my old phone which is required to look at the numbers I have blocked. He is blocked now so it is not a problem.

Just a huge setback in personal recovery and the fact it brought up a lot of strong/raw emotions for BH.

Plug the holes and start again, it's a shame that this happened, start thinking it through is there anything else that can happen to set you back if there is fix it today........
Affairs are cruel and have a way of hurting our lives for a long time.
stay on task, kiss your husband and tell him how sorry your mistake not to block him has hurt both of you and assure him the # is blocked and will never take place again and reassure him it had no effect on you..........
that you love him and are committed to him and the two of you, and appreciate the chance..........
jessi

Maybe to have this not happen again, you should CHANGE YOUR NUMBER.

What if OM were to use someone else's phone? If you change the number, you won't need to worry about that happening again. Sorry, but this is an easy fix. It is also something that should have already have happened.

Duh?

All the OM's reptilian brain knows is that he got lucky before.

To any man it's worth the effort to send a text or phone a girl he's interested in. He gets shot down what did he lose?
Not much.

Now an OM will take it a step farther with a married woman that had an affair once, it's easy to jump to conclusions if they did it once they'll do it again. Does not matter if this asumption about you is true. The OM is just justifiying his actions. OM is playing the odds.

Unfortunately many an OM does get lucky with their XOW. That's why there must be NC for life.

Yea I should have gotten a new number when I got the phone a few months ago. Just did not think that he would ever message me again after I blocked him and told a friend to tell him to not contact me again. (this was before I found MB) Luckily this phone is a SIM card phone so I will get a co-worker to come with me to translate what I want this week.
I intend on keeping no contact for life regardless of what happens with BH and I.
We ended up taking off for the weekend and it was nice. But he still wants a divorce. I am just enjoying any time we have together and working on personal recovery as well as keeping with my EP's, trying my best to meet BH's EN and work on LB on my end. It is always the BS choice to walk away and they have every right to do so.

So I recently started snooping after getting access and being advised to a few times.
I looked at an old email account and it's already made me feel ill. He had contacted girls I did not want him to talk to before/after marriage. None of them EA's. But he hid it from me. He even remembered an ex-GF's bday that he did not stop talking for years (an email once a year). There was nothing going on, just a few random emails over the years but nothing suggests that they had talked for a continuous period of time. This is the girl he thought he was going to marry before she dumped him after cheating on him a fair bit. This happened to be the girl he just always brought up in conversations how great she was.
I am scared to look at the other tcurrent accoun. Any ideas/advice?

He was totally on me how he always promoted honesty. But he has been far from it. Not that it excuses any of my actions and choices.
I also found out that a month after dday, he brought a girl back to a hotel but they never ended up having sex but he had the intentions. Some girl he met for a few hours and has not talked to since.
What do i do with all the information?
I do not know if this anything is even worth bothering with....
he has been dishonest. I have not discovered any infidelity but discovered that our relationship has been built on dishonesty.

Well I had been posting on the divorce forum for a bit recently. Basically, things were not improving and getting worse, and I found stbx an apartment. I eventually discovered his odd behaviour was due to OW. I was a bit upset at first and then I was okay after having a week to absorb the new information. (Sept 2010 d-day, Jan 2011 divorced requested by BH, I worked alone to recover and eventually could not do it late summer)

After things settled we starting talking again and being civil. However, this week we were talking about when to get the papers filed (where I am it takes one day as there are no kids).

Now he is blaming me for the failed recovery and that I was on a trial period until next spring to see if I would keep my words and such for financial and domestic obligations (payments, housing, food, cooking,help with his schoolwork, etc) He is also claiming that he was working on things even though he would not read a single book, discuss anything relating to recovery and told me no chance whatsoever. In my personal opinion, and I hope it is not a DJ, or WW like, he was going out constantly, meeting females and males, he would not want to be seen with me in public in this city and told everyone he knew we were getting a divorced or referred to me as a friend.

I am extremely confused and it has set me back in personal recovery as I thought I was moving forward quite well.

How am I supposed to take all of this? Now I feel like a terrible person as I had an affair, and he is the one who is constantly dealing with the consequences of my action. He even blames me for the failing of his relationship with OW as he has trust issues with women....

I am not depressed, I have been surrounding myself with friends in this foreign country. I have been eating, exercising well and focused on goals in life and thinking about all the mistakes I have made in the marriage and how I can prevent them in the future.

WW27,

Ah, come on! Grow up! You KNOW what he is saying is just covering his butt. You know he had an OW and nothing you did justifies that anymore than anything he did justified your A.

You KNOW you did you best to make this work and he refused to help at all. You KNOW he is a liar. You KNOW he is just making excuses.

Given all of this please explain

How you take it is him blame shifting for his affair.

Move on WW27. It is time.

God Bless,

JL