I felt like the best thing to do was to point out that you are missing valuable information right and left and suggest a practical course of action (stop talking and go back and reread). I didn't realize it was going to turn into a big argument about how bad it made you feel for me to point out how much information you are missing.


I'm sorry for making you feel bad, and I wish you the best. You can go back to missing information if it makes you happy.

Praying for your family.

Giraffe, all that I am pressuring you to do is to slow down, talk less, listen more, go back, and reread. Can you do that? Or do you fears consume you to the point where you can't go reread the thousands of words that have been written to you to see if they continue to speak to you?

I can see why MelodyLane, SugarCane, et al might feel frustrated and feel like they've wasted their efforts. Not only did you miss much of what they said the first time, you are not even willing to go back and look again. You are treating their words as valueless.

Me, I'm not frustrated, but I can see why they are.

I'm not sure why it personally offended you for me to suggest you go back and read. I figured this was kind of serious for you. Thought I could help, is all.


I think they would feel more appreciated if you'd slow down a bit and go reread the 594 posts in this thread that have been directed at you.

Thank you.... Thanks to all of you, I truly appreciate your input and advice. I'm sorry it got a little tense today. I'm not sure I agree that I'm the one that got us there, but no, that's not just about being right on an internet forum. It doesn't matter who started it, I'm just sorry it went there. I actually hardly post to forums. But this is a crisis for me and I'm looking for help.

I agree that maybe I need to go back and re-read some posts and I admit I have probably re-posted the same thoughts, fears, questions, etc. Not on purpose, I'm just scared. I will try not to post anything until I have something new to add.

Thanks again to all and I am sorry to anyone I offended. Just having a bad day, actually a lot of bad days recently, haha.

Take care!
Giraffe6

Hi there,

I know you are scared of what is going to happen to your marriage and your family, your life is in crisis I agree.
You came to Marriage Builders for help.......the folks here have listened to a lot of stories just like yours and have gone through people that won't follow the program, they know what works and what doesn't.......they are trying to help you and some times they have to throw a few 2x4's at you to wake you up.....none of us here want to see you lose your marriage, this is a safe place and if you let the ones with the most experience help you and you aren't afraid of the steps then you will have a chance of saving what you so desperately want........
If you don't your wife is going to leave you for her OM........
You have to get in between that affair, cause trouble, make it impossible for it to continue..........
Your wife will be mad, she may not come back to you, it isn't a for sure thing but this way at least you have a chance and she will see you stand up for her and your family, it might make a difference.........
You can't go on like this, it will kill you, it will hurt your family........you can't let that happen.......
We were all scared just like you, I can tell you from my own experience and it was a tough road for me that exposure helped stop my husband from seeing his OW and being accountable for his actions by his family, friends and our grown boys.
He has told me himself if the affair wasn't discovered he would not have stopped seeing her and his intent was to have a life with her............
After he stopped seeing her he started to see the affair for what it was and what he was really giving up, it wasn't just me it was a family a life he had spent 27 years in, it was friends who didn't agree with what he was doing.......
It is more than them when the affair is out in the open........
That helps you and your family.......
She will be embarrassed and angry so what let her be, she will get over it.......
What is she going to say to everyone else, she is mad at you for stopping her from having an affair, they will laugh at her............
If I were you I expose to everyone important to her

This PA had been going on for nearly TWO YEARS prior to D-Day in August. It is now three months later and what has changed? Apparently what you've been doing until now hasn't worked.

She doesn't respect you and you will end up divorced if you don't DO SOMETHING.

Dr. Harley's plans are that SOMETHING. You have a golden opportunity here.

Isn't it time to change things up?

Geez! So I work for a couple of hours and come back to a thread on fire!

Giraffe, you are balking out of fear. We understand that. Many of us were in your spot at one point. We get the fear thing.

I also know that it can be overwhelming to come to this site and read how to deal the heaviest blow to a spouse's affair, because it runs so counter to what you've been taught: get along, don't speak badly about other people, don't air your dirty laundry, etc. You need to get past that faulty thinking. It will not serve you in this fight!

No one on this site is paid for our participtation. We're here because we know it works. And we know very well the emotions you are dealing with. We've been there.

We're trying to save you from the mis-steps you'll likely encounter that could derail your attempts to save your M.

Some of the best posters we've got are on your thread. You just don't know it yet. They've been where you are and came out on the other side. They don't want to see you lose your marriage - it's so salvageable at this point. IF YOU DO THIS RIGHT.

Stop trying to control your children's emotions. They get to pick that. Not you.

A man who stands to one side and does nothing can be dismissed. She tells herself you dont care to ease her conscience. You have been manipulated into this role.

Show her she's wrong.


Ok, I do understand. Exposure is scary for EVERYONE.

I thought my very protective father would physically attack my WH

I thought his family would back him, believe his denials and blame me.

I thought my friends would see me as being vindictive.

I was petrified, but i did it anyway. I am a big believer in the truth and am so glad I did.

As it happens, everyone is urging my WH to do the right thing and are supporting me. In whatever I want to do from here. Because they see I am cool, calm and collected and that I have no fear of the truth or tough jobs.

You must get on with it.

People here are experienced and know you are standing in the middle of a battlefield, under attack from the OM, your WW and the A itself.

We know time is ticking away. We know you are in the firing line. We know that your children are under attack too - and have no idea where the gunfire is coming from

Yes. People have gotten a bit bootcamp with you and are yelling at you to SHOOT. I would suggest you listen.

If you are waiting for someone else to show up here and say Exposure is bad/not needed - that won't happen because only MB advice is posted here. Its the terms of service.

So you either want MB advice or not.

giraffe,

you're probably puzzled by the urgency of the message here about exposure because you've been living with this for months, so what's a few more days/weeks?

it IS urgent. hours, days and weeks are passing by and you are letting it all slip away.

you might think that the holidays are messing you up. actually, the holidays give you a leg up because your WW is going to want to bask in the cake eating and the idea of the loving family. the holidays will add pressure to end the affair IF you expose now.

for heaven's sake, tell your kids. they already know and can't talk to you about it because they are afraid. be a leader for them and lead them out of these lies and back into some possibility of healing.

your wife must feel so sick inside about what she's doing and she must be SICK that you are letting her get away with it. save your family, your dignity and hopefully your marriage.

G6,

I understand your hesitation. You feel you're getting 2x4s left and right. Well, you are.

We've seen many a BH come here, tell their story, get the same advice you're getting, and they leave to follow their own plan.

Months later they come back and the affair is still on and things are worse and they're still asking for advice on what to do.

So the 2x4s are to emphasize to you that this really is the most powerful tool you have to end the affair and start your marriage on the next stage. it will either kill the affair or it will have little effect because you waited too long to expose and the affair is so entrenched that there is really no way to go back.

So exposure in the early stages is critical.

That's why you feel like you're getting hammered. We're ER techs showing up at the accident scene and are trying to save you. But you keep throwing your hands in our face and punching us because you're disoriented and don't have your bearings.

We understand your fear. We've felt it. This is the way to go to end the affair, however.

Yes the holidays are a perfect time.

You want it to be EFFECTUAL and not easily ignored. Fear is usually limited to the time before a daring deed. Leave it behind!

Giraffe, if it helps you, I exposed right before xmas last year. Like a week before. And her family came down on her so hard it was unbelievable. OMs family and partner came down on him even harder.

I promise you can do this. I also promise if you don't do this, the day will come that you will wish you had.

Stand and fight. This is your life. Get it back.

I just read all your posts, not the advice because I know what they are telling you. I know exactly how you feel. Gutted. Desparate. Wanting to grab any resource, anything to save yourself.

But I also know something you don't. Your instincts are all wrong. I promise you that. You have already lost unless you fight.

I wrote this a year ago, literally the day after I exposed. I have my wife back. The marriage is now saved because of this place. I have a choice that you don't currently have. I can let her stay or I can let her go. Either way I am more of a man, more of a father and more of a husband. You choose your own route, but I do say I would not take what I did back. It was the best thing I ever did. Not saying the affair was a good thing, but my reaction I am proud of.

Read for yourself..this is really what I wrote at exposure plus one.


I am exactly one day past where you are right now. I am not a vet, or a pro at this. I found MarriageBuilders seven weeks ago after confronting the woman I loved for ten years. I have made mistakes dealing with her affair, and will continue to make mistakes. She is in love with someone else or thinks she is and its crushing me. I don't understand how I got here. I can't eat I can't sleep. I am desparate to hang onto her. If I take the advice on this site, listen to these strangers, I know I will lose her. She will be gone, and its because of what I did - I took the advice and exposed her affair. She will be angry, I will have betrayed her and she will never come back to me.

I know exactly how you feel, because it was yesterday when I was the same. Its standing on a window ledge twenty stories up. The wind is whistling and pushing you around. Your heart is racing nonstop. You can't focus. All you know is you are afraid of falling. If you could somehow climb down off the ledge. Every minute seems like a year and every time your wife makes contact you get pushed a little closer to a fatal fall.

Yesterday I was exactly in the same place as you. These strangers yelled and screamed and tried to inject me with courage but I would not budge.

But I know something now that I did not know yesterday. My wife is human. The OM is human. They are not invulnerable. They had no right to what they did. I am a man, a father and good at both. Not perfect but I never claimed that. I wrote to the other mans partner. I wrote my WWs family. I wrote to others. Every time I did I got more scared. I sat there the first hour and wished I could take it back. The phone rang, her family called me. They said they love and support me completely. What is wrong with my wife? Why would she do this? The other mans partner wrote me. Shes so grateful. They were planning to get married. She is so grateful to me. The OM wrote me, he is angry. He does not want my wife anymore, i can have her back. His life is ruined. My WW calls me, she is furious. How could I ruin OMs life? My marriage is over according to her. I feel....BETTER.

This is a true story about what happened when I took those strangers advice. It was literally yesterday I did this. I don't know if my marriage will succeed or fail. I have no illusions, even from here many will fail. But I feel BETTER. I am not afraid anymore. I am in control, I am prepared for whatever comes. I can raise my child and tell him I fought for him. Fought hard and overcame my fear. I climbed down off the ledge went back in the building and tried to rebuild my family.

You make your own decision whether to follow me and the others who took the advice. We will be inside waiting for you. Some of us are married some are not. But none of us are afraid anymore.

Reynolds,

Glad you posted, too, with others.

Giraffe, posters here reminded me one day that SAA (this forum topic) is you, a BW, that has been rushed to ER and this is triage. See, both types of posters (the betrayed spouses(BS) and former WWs (waywards)) KNOW the sense of urgency here. Not think...KNOW.

What is known here is that the longer you wait, the more your WW will become even more entrenched in the A, and the chance for recovery just leseens each day. Think of it this way: she is looking for reasons to undermine your M, you and your responses. She is in an addictive FOG. Don't underestimate that by any stretch.


Reynolds said the very thought I had...I didn't read 1/2 of the responses to your situation. I already know them. Why? Been here since late 2008-ish reading, I think.

Ever watch Intervention (don't confuse this anlaogy with advise here. It is an analogy) or any of those types of shows? Does the solution change? Nope. And, there's a reason.

Exposure is your best bet to kill the A. This is the only way you have even a tiny chance to regain a shot at M recovery. Is it a guaranty? No, of course not. What is a guaranty of the end of you M is to allow the M to go on and try to negotiate how it (A)is to end.

Do yourself a favor and read. Read Basic Concepts to the right...thoroughly. You are going to have a LOT of work and very hard months ahead of you. A LOT of work that you are going to ponder why you have to put forward when you were wronged.

Think of exposure as a toe in the door to even begin all of that future work.

Sounds dire, huh? Well, it is at this point, because you are in the ER. Bleeding has to stop before you can even consider rehab. Got that? The A has to be killed. THAT is the sense of urgency the good people here are trying to get acrossed to you, and I concur.

Also, I want to point out that MB site is not a "blog my troubles" site. People here are very experienced not in their own situations, but in the MB concepts as people, not as "bloggers". This site and forums were her loooong before the bloogers/Facecrap/twit (intentional typos) environment.

Lastly, sorry that you are here. This is the best place you could possibly find to regain your marriage, though. The passion here is tried and true with results in success, and in the cases where Ms are not recovered, the same people stay right here (some more often than others) as the concepts here help us all be better people in general, develop better relationships with family and co-workers, etc.

Heck, I use MB concepts (which, frankly and with no disrespect are just common sense principles) in my life daily. But, if common sense were so easy to do, we wouldn't need input from anyone, now would we? As is stated here over and over..."it" is very simple, but not easy.


Really lastly...and this is the longest post I've ever made here, know that the "recovery" is not and end, it is a journey. Not that psycho-babble-Stuart-Smalley "life is a journey - find yourself" crap journey. But, a true daily (with action plans) effort to keep you and your now WW in a loving marriage. It doesn't happen by accident, and it doesn't happen by chance. Any more than you rolling into work each day without a list of things you have to do and expecting a paycheck for life.

Take this for what it worth.

Giraffe, I'm glad you have found MB. Use the wealth of knowledge here. I don't have anything extra to add that hasn't already been said, I just want to cast another vote in the box. Please listen and act on the advice that has been given.

Exposure is your first step in fighting the good fight for your marriage. My D Day was four months ago. Out of all of the things I regret about WH's affair, exposure is not one of them. I am so glad, so proud, that I exposed. I told the truth rather then fed the fanstasy of the affair. I fought for my marriage with the best weapon I had, the truth.

The WS does not want the truth to be shared, that is what an affair is, lies and deceit. Don't allow your WW to beat you into submission, don't lie by omission to help sustain her affair and fantasy. Find your courage. You can do it.

TJ/

Stepping away from the ER for a moment, I just wanted to say how proud I am to see some of our newer and not-so-new members posting and adminstering MB advice so well. You get it and it shows. Congratulations and thank you for paying it toward.

/TJ

Back to the ER.

My marriage would've ended if I hadn't exposed.

I don't know if it'll survive (we're in recovery now), but know it will only end becasue my W and I allowed it to, not because of an active affair.

It's scary (geez, just read my thread), but IT WORKS!!!

I exposed the affair with the help of my husband's OWH........our d-day is Nov. 23,
The holidays helped me, having my boys home from university helped me.......
It is a time of the year that everyone has a lot of memories in their heart and the affair partner knows that they will be giving up that life if they don't wake up........
There is no good time, the sooner the better so you can stop the affair and start getting back to being married........

Giraffe6,

You keep making excuses as to why you can't do what it is that deep down inside you know you have to do. You keep expressing concern about his children, how about you make yours a bigger priority? OM doesn't give a damn about your kids, doesn't care much about his own, and doesn't care if you end up divorced with limited access to your children, so why, oh why, do you sit here using the children as an excuse to do nothing? I can't understand guys who have empathy for any man who interferes with another man's wife and family. This guy could be someone that potentially sends you into family court and turns you into a 17% dad. If I had someone that could potentially do that to me, he could be standing in front of me on fire, and I wouldn't even piss on him to put out the flames. If this guy was pointing a gun at you (which he is figuratively), and you were locked and loaded would you hesitate to shoot because his kids might miss him? Let him shoot you instead? What about YOUR kids?!!!

The best possible outcome for children is to have their parents stay married with both invested in making their marriage and family work properly. If you use the guidance here to first kill the affair, and then build a NEW marriage using the principles of POJA and UA, you can affair proof your marriage from further strife. Of course, that will require your wife's enthusiastic (eventually) cooperation, but that can't even begin to happen until your wife goes NC with POS OM.

You've protested against some of the posts made here on your thread as being too forceful or pushy, even bordering on hostile; well ya know something - you're right. Some of us ARE pushy, some will get right down to brass tacks from the word go without any small talk or initial pleasantries, because we are fighting for you, not against, on two fronts. The first front is that we need to get BH's to shed their fear or reluctance to do what is necessary to save their marriages and get ready to do some unpleasant things that will take them far outside their comfort zones; the second front is to help them follow the steps here to kill the affair.

Your wife's affair is no different than countless others that have been here, it's almost like they're scripted, the same horrible B-movie being played out countless times, like some warped Groundhog Day. You should read some of the threads of the BHs who have posted to you here. They're not kidding when they say they have been in your shoes, even down to receiving the same type posts that you are now.

We are your allies, Giraffe6, your team. We're going to push you when necessary because we know it's your only chance to stave off a divorce. Another ally would be OMW, you both can be mutually helpful to each other in ending the affair. I was a lurker here for a long time before I got a user name because at first I scoffed at a lot of the program and didn't believe it would work. Now I use it to keep my marriage safe and secure and I am a happily married man - I just wish that I would have found this site a LOT earlier in life. Would have saved me a lot of heartache from some really stupid mistakes I have made in my life.

I know a lot of the stuff here is counterintuitive, but being military you know that there are real life examples of how appeasement never works. You need to attack the affair. You don't need to demonize your wife, just her behavior, and there are many ways to explain affairs to children that don't involve denigrating the spouse to the kids. Even if you get divorced they are still going to love their mother.

Speaking of divorce, I would be really proactive in making sure you understand your rights and make a plan of action that will protect your interests and time with your kids if your efforts here come to naught. Right now, you are on that road, seemingly inexorably pointed towards a bad end. So what have you got to lose by trying what we have been exhorting you to do, except your marriage of course?

All,

I haven't read all of the posts from yesterday afternoon or this morning yet, but I just wanted to take a break and send you a thank you! Yesterday I did let the words some of you were saying get to me. I am scared but I do appreciate the help and the support! I'm going to get back to reading the posts you have been sending since I haven't logged on since I left work yesterday afternoon so I have a lot to catch up on.

Thanks again!
G6

G6,

I have hesitated to post because I am the WW, but I can't keep quiet. Perhaps a WW perspective will help you DO something. We exposed my affair to everyone. Our kids are 8,10,12 and 14. Guess what ? They still love me. My parents still love me. My friends still love me. My in-laws still love me. My church still loves me.

I am still married. I was planning on running off with OM after Christmas. But he ran away after EXPOSURE.

Yeah it is scary and embarrassing. But that lasts for just a minute.

The MB principles on this site are not an easy fix to a troubled marriage. It takes a ton of work, and there are no guarantees. But at least you have a chance. If you want a chance.

I'm a WW and I don't hate my husband for exposing. He showed himself to be strong, not wishy-washy and I respect him for fighting for ME.