I've been reading this website for months, and found it to be extremely helpful. I've been reading threads here as well, and am looking forwad to good advice.

About a year ago, our marriage started deteriorating. There had always been things that my husband did that drove me crazy, and I had been open about them from the beginning, from pre-marital counseling, but he never made an effort to work on them, and I started getting more frustrated as time went on. We also made changes in our work/family structure, he was a stay at home dad, while I had a stressful job but made barely enough to support us. I took a lower paying job with less stress, and he was to get a job, our son was old enough to go to preschool and more than ready to do so. But it took six months for him to even start looking for a job, during which time our finances got more and more strained, while we also bought our first house and moved into a fixer upper (which he has the skills to fix). Stress was outrageous, and we drifted further and further apart. I went from feeling super in love and attached, singing his praises at my new job, to within months barely being able to stand him. He was depressed and had untreated ADD as well, and was not seeking help for either. I tried talking with him until I was blue in the face. It got to where we were sleeping seperately because I just couldn't stand being around him, as he was not intimate with me or affectionate. Then I caught him in the beginnings of an emotional affair online one night. When I immediately confronted him, he tried to turn the issue to me and acccused me of being emotionally abusive. Not long after, he also accused me of being a narcissist and possibly bi-polar. I have no history of mental health problems other than co-dependency, although I have family history of other things, and it's something I monitor fairly carefully about myself because of my family history. All of that was really decoys...I think the big thing was that he didn't want to change anything about himself.

He did end the contact with the OW, but I don't think he got over the emotional feeling of that rush of an affair. We've been going to marriage counseling and each to individual counseling as well. After about four months of trying different practitioners, he got medicine for his ADD (but not the depression) and has been on it a week. In our marriage counseling, he refuses to do any of the homework, and is not very honest in the sessions. He does not communicate with me barely at all anymore, is not open, and does not feel like he should have to be.

I've tried using marriagebuilders materials with him. He calls it dangerous, and tries to find reasons why it's wrong. I've asked him to just fill out his lovebusters and emotional needs questionaires, and that he doesn't even have to read mine, and he won't do it. He's been going to a very destructive website, **edit**, which if you check it out, you'll see what take it has on things. It is all about custody battles, and not about building anything, and very misogynistic.

He often finds excuses not to spend time as a family. I'm about at my wits end.

Here's what I've done so far: taken some stock of myself and, based on what he's said, realized that I have been having angry outbursts and some disrespectful judgments and stopped them. I would like to meet his emotional needs, but really don't know what is most important to him. I'm feeling very withdrawn myself, as I realize my own emotional needs have been mostly neglected in our relationship (other than affection/sexual fulfillment, those were good up until say six months ago, but pretty much the only things, maybe conversation). But the days on days of silence from him are wearing me so thin, I just feel so lonely all the time in my own home and bed.

Help!!

Probably not.

Did you put a keylogger on his computer? Have you checked his phone records? He has gotten better at hiding his affair from you. That's all.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, DM. I'm sorry your circumstances have forced you to find your way to us, but you've come to the right place.

It is very likely that your WH is still in contact with OW. You need to snoop to confirm that. Slap a keylogger on the computer without his knowledge. Also, don't encourage him to look at this website right now. If he's still in the affair, you won't be able to educate him about repairing your marriage. And you don't want him on this site because we have info about things on here that will help end an affair. You don't want him to see those or he'll know your possible game plan and will work around you.

And you can skip the counselors right now. Most MCs are worthless at the best of times and are even worse if one of the spouses is in an active affair.

It sounds like he is blaming you for his affair. Don't accept the blame. It was/is his decision to be involved in an affair.

Get that keylogger on there and start snooping. (Keep an eye on your cell phone record for unusual calls, as well.) Do NOT let him know you are doing this! Let us know what you find and we'll go from there.

I've confirmed there is no contact with the OW.

He still doesn't take any responsibility for anything, and is putting all the problems in our marriage on me. I finally got *something* out of him in terms of what he would like to see different in our relationship, and but he said he doubted it would improve. He said my angry outbursts and criticisms are not going to change. BTW, I've been working on that for months, and have had no angry outbursts for almost two months. As far as criticism, he considers everything I say critical, and I'm not sure how to get around it. Our pastor identified him as extremely sensitive and our marriage counselor thought this week that maybe he's just lazy (in regards to not getting work done).

This week he also started messing with our finances, and it makes me really nervous. We can barely make the bills as is (in fact, have had numerous late bills/overdrafts in last few months, which is expensive in and of itself). And if he starts wanting to withhold his money, I don't know what we'll do. All the responsibility for this is usually on me.

Also, he refuses to have sex with me. This has been going on for months. I have a high sex drive and it's really important intimate connection for me, so I feel almost like I'm being manipulated, like he's withholding because he knows I want/need it. I feel like we're living like ornery roommates and don't know how to get out of this rut. I've been trying plan A and am almost thinking I'll have to plan B. But it's a difficult time to do it with the holidays coming up and would be very painful for our children, who remain oblivious to any problems in our relationship (something I'm thankful for). I'm missing my family and don't have the money to go see them for the holidays, and I really don't want to just spend it with him, I'll feel really stressed and lonely and unhappy.

How have you done this?

keylogger, checking all phone records, and I've been monitoring his internet for a while. Other than increased looks at pornography (a pet peeve of mine and a habit he's never had), he's not making any more contact.

I will say on the positive side that there are signs he's trying to be helpful, responsive, and meet needs as he sees them, it's just that he won't listen to me when I tell him that those aren't the things I really need, and that though I appreciate his attention, it would go a lot further if he met my actual needs. I'm just appreciating his efforts for the time being, though. It's nice to see that he's trying, it's just frustrating that we both are trying and not getting anywhere. The fact that he absolutely refuses to do marriage builders really bothers me.

I'm bumping my post hoping for more responses...please, help! I see a lot of wisdom on these forums and people who've made it past some really difficult things. I need encouragement and ideas, thanks in advance!

Move to SAA and you will get plenty more help. That will help you get a plan to recover your marriage.

I don't know how to move my post, but honestly I don't think that is the issue. When I caught my husband online, he was only in the very very beginnings of an inappropriate contact, it did not evolve into an affair (although I realize that it was a big problem, a huge warning, etc.)

The problem dealing with this as "surviving an affair" is that there are a lot more issues involved, like what feels to me like emotional abuse being directed at me. I'm not feeling safe in our relationship and not knowing what to do to get there, or if I even want to at this point. I'm absolutely exhausted in our relationship.

Last night, we realized we missed my daughters end of season soccer party, because they handed the info sheet to my husband who promptly lost and forgot about it. I was devastated. This weekend, I was talking to my husband about communication and issues around the home, and his lack of attention, and my pulling out my hair about it. For example, he left his clothes on the floor, three feet from the laundry basket, again on Friday night. I politely asked him in the morning to pick up his clothes. He got all but the socks. Later, I asked him politely to pick up the socks. We both have talked and agree clothes should go in the basket, but he blames his ADD on him not following through, and his solution is that I keep politely asking him into infinity. He doesn't get it when I tell him that won't work for me because I am not his mother or nanny, and he needs to be able to follow through with things. He does at work, he can do it at friend's houses, but he refuses at home. Then he turns around and calls me a control freak.

Trust me, the soccer game was a much bigger issue than the socks, but both push me over the edge. My lovebank balance is at zero. If it weren't for the kids, our sorry finances, the fact that the house we just bought is all on my credit and not on his, I'd throw in the towel. As it is, I'm barely hanging in. I need help for me, because I can't keep giving. I already feel like the Giving Tree, and look where that got the darned tree.

click notify and ask to move to SAA - his behavior sounds like an affair.

bumping for any suggestions...but I'm about to move out. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm so sorry your daughter missed her soccer game party. It must make you feel awful that your husband is not acting like he used too.

I would like to offer advice but I am too inexperienced to do so.

The vets will be along. Keep posting.

How old are your children? Ages of you and Husband? How long have you been married?

Please do not move out. Stay in your home it is in your name and the kids deserve the stability of their own home in this difficult time.

Thank you for your response, kartoread!

I am 33 and husband is 34. The kids are 10, 7, and 4. We have been married 4 years. Today is actually our legal anniversary, we had a marriage ceremony in March but didn't get legally married until 4 years ago today. I'm pretty bummed.

The problem with our home is it is not stable or comfortable. It is a wreck. We're living in the tiny detached guesthouse and it's very uncomfortable. We've only lived here since May. We have no friends nearby. It's very isolated. If I do move out, I'll rent a small duplex (not much improvement in space, probably, but one less person) close to my kids' school and a lot of friends. Right now, we have to drive to the school because it's out of zone.

As a person who has had ADHD all of her life, all through med school and through all of my 'career'
I would like to say a few things.

First of all, just so you do not get me wrong, I think your husband should absolutely work with you through
marriage builders.

It's a shame, that you did not get to go to the girls event. BUT it's not devastating.
Devastating is when your child has an incurable brain tumor.

I notice, that you are irritated that your husband does not put his socks in the laundry basket and so on.
Please understand (well, I do not understand it myself really) that for a person with ADD, life is different.
I rarely see, that I displaced something. And while I am doing things, I get distracted and leave a trail of different things all over the place. When I come back into the kitchen I see that multiple drawers are open and items are scattered through the kitchen. That is on good days. On bad days I don't even notice that something is lying around.
It CAN be different at work, because 1: a person is just more stressed at work and 2: work is more structured and has outside pressures that automatically force you to behave a certain way.
It is adament that he takes his medication, preferrably ritalin, because that not only helps with the attention, but it gives a lot of energy too. Once his medication is OK, that part should be better. (I do notice by the way, that after the effect wears off, I tend to be more easily irritated and aggressive than my normally (too) laid-back self.

If you are a concientious person, you might not have noticed, but you probably slipped/have been forced into the mother role, which your husband needs, but resents at the same time.
You probably ARE a control freak, because based on experience, your husband does not follow through and forgets and loses things.
The problem is, not only have you understandibly fallen out of love with him, he has also fallen out of love with you. You claim to be doing plan A, but I doubt if you notice, that if you act like his mother or school teacher, this is not going to make him fall romantically in love with you. No matter how right you may be, it may contribute to the downward spiral.

Would it be possible to go out a bit and talk one last time about how YOU want to be a better wife for him and want him to be happy. And that is why you would like him to fill out the emotional needs questionaire and so on. That and that you want the to of you to be as happy as you were while you were dating. You should really try to avoid lecturing him about MB, because if you are anything like my darling H, he has been lectured enough. Maybe he will try the questionaires, if he feels there is something in if for him, and will subsequently come around in the process.

I would like to point out, that I do not condone his behaviour, and that especially as he knows he has ADD, he should do his best to pull his side of the wagon. It is not an excuse for him to go to websites that tell him all women are nags and so on. He should have a job, becaus it will structure his (and your) life.


I hope things will gradually work out. Your husband must take steps and not be uncooperative about it.

God bless,

Happyheart

Hi DL, welcome to Marriage Builders. I have a couple of questions. By the ages of your children, is this a second marriage for either of you? If so, how did your first marriage(s) end? Since your husband is not here, but you are, let's talk about you.

Your posts are full of DJs toward your husband. I understand your frustration, but you really can't educate your spouse. But you can set an example. With your Lovebank nearing zero, it sounds impossible, but it's not. Why not jump into MB 100% for a time, starting with losing the marriage counselor. They have a poor success rate in saving marriages. In fact, I suggest you call the radio show and getadvice directly from Dr. Harley to jump start this. Wouldn't it be better for your children to see their parents in love with each other than to subject them to a painful divorce? Especially if they've already been through it before?

What are your husband's emotional needs? What are yours? I suspect FS is way up there along with SF. Talk to us. I have to go to work right now but others will be along shortly.

Hang in there.

Happyheart - really lovely post.
Thanks.

Thanks for your messages everyone!!

Happyheart, it is great to hear your perspective on things. I do really struggle with not knowing what he's up against, but also, I think I feel really misled about his whole ADD in the first place.

More background: Yes, this is my second marriage. My first ended in my husband having an affair, which I could not get him to end (didn't know about marriagebuilders and wish I had in some respects, as it might have made a difference, and in others, it's so hard to imagine a life with him still that part of me is glad things have gone the path they have.) He ended up marrying his mistress and they have a child together, a few months older than my youngest. The two oldest, girls, are from this marriage. We are amicable, the kids visit him, and we can work out most issues. The divorce was nasty, however, and I am terrified of going through that again. I was pregnant with our second child when he had his affair, and moved back with my mom. My mom covered up abuse of me as a child and I gladly moved out at 17 to go to college on a full scholarship that I got myself, after my junior year of high school, in order to get away. Going back home was a nightmare but I felt I had no other options as I was close to giving birth and the work I was doing, in home child care, I could not continue in the mind state I was in. I went to counseling through the divorce, and identified my co-dependent behaviors. I also realized a lot more about the relationship dynamics with my mother and moved out when my second daughter was about a year and a half to enter law school. I am now a practicing attorney. I'm sure being married to an attorney is not, at times, very pleasant.

I have to go to lunch now and will respond more later. But I am so appreciative of any responses, even those that analyze me, I am truly desperate for help here.

Back from a very hectic day!

My biggest emotional needs (I have trouble exactly ranking them, but these are the top five): honesty, conversation, financial support, sexual fulfillment, family activities.

I do want to give this as much as I can, I don't want to give up, and I don't want to lose my husband. I still love him, a lot really, I just am so drained and feeling so hopeless that the strain on me is getting overwhelming. I got to the point where I was contemplating asking a doctor about some medication for myself (depression? anxiety?), but I'm really not a person who agrees with medicating without a clear reason, and I'd be doing it to avoid addressing what's making me so unhappy and overwhelmed, not in treatment of my actual problems, if that makes sense. So, I'm starting to have really unhealthy responses to my life, instead of getting healthier.

But I do want to have a happy, fulfilling marriage, where our kids have that security and see that love. Watching my girls feel split between me and their dad, the pain I feel when they are gone, the pain their half-brothers feel when they are not around (I include their father's other child, he's a sweetie and I know it's really hard on him, too), it is NOT something I want.

Happyheart, I was looking at some books on amazon about ADD and relationships. Do you have any you'd recommend? I'll have to see what's available at the library as we can't afford anything right now. My husband is working, and he just recently started on adderall again (about a month ago). Yesterday his dose was increased to 30mg from 20. He actually did seem more focused today. That may help a ton, if his meds get straightened out.

In my last post I said I felt a little misled about the ADD. We've had a lot of issues with honesty since the emotional affair. One of the things I've learned is that he was on medication when we first met, stopped it soon thereafter, but that it was a kind that has a lingering effect for a while, so my first experience with him was very different from what he soon slipped into. And despite the fact that we were using protection, our son was conceived about four months into our relationship, so things sped up after that and we got swept along with our responsibilities without having much chance to reflect. For instance, about two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, he surprised me with the news that his lease was up the next day. This was part of the beginning of a long trend towards the ADD ruling our lives, with me not really understanding what was happening (I still don't!!) Now that I feel I have a bit better grasp of it, I'm also feeling lied to, tricked, etc.

Can you explain more your financial issues? Where is all the money going if you are a practicing attorney?