Here are some of the definitions/concepts I�ve learned over the past two years from Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders community. This site has been an invaluable place for me for both knowledge and support. Thanks to all those who have taken the time to help me get through this extraordinarily difficult time. I hope this post can help others who now find themselves embarked on this unwanted journey. Please feel free to clarify any of these definitions, and please add to the list. --TE
Betrayed Spouse (BS): A spouse who is victim to adultery.
Wayward Spouse (WS): A spouse who looks to someone outside of their marriage to meet one or more of their emotional needs.
Other Person (OP): This is the Affair Partner, the creep who falls in lust/sleeps with a married person.
Other Child (OC): A child born from an adulterous relationship.
Emotional needs (ENs): Every spouse has certain needs that must be met. If one or more of these isn�t met, an Other Person may step in and start meeting them. These needs include: Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Honesty and Openness, Attractive Spouse, Financial Support, Domestic Support, Family Commitment, and Admiration.
Emotional Affair (EA): This is an affair that has yet to go physical, sometimes referred to as an "Affair of the Heart." It is when a spouse develops feelings of love/lust toward someone outside of the marriage. These affairs often take place via emails, texts, Facebook, etc. and can therefore occur despite huge geographic separation. A Wayward Spouse will often claim that they are �just friends�, and they�ll say, �Why won�t you let me have any friends?� These affairs are just as destructive as physical affairs, and usually end up as physical affairs. After the Emotional Affair goes Physical, the Wayward will then say, �I don�t know how it happened, it just happened.�
Physical Affair (PA): Having sex with someone outside of the marriage. This can be a one-night-stand (ONS), or can go on for months and even many years, in secret and covered up by a web of lies.
Affairage: The marriage of two affair partners. Since this type of relationship is built on lies and fantasy, these marriages almost always fall apart rather quickly.
Boundaries: Emotional walls put up by a spouse to prevent any person of the opposite sex outside of the marriage from meeting any of their Emotional Needs. In other words, not letting anyone but your spouse meet any of your emotional needs. A lack of boundaries is what leads to affairs.
I Love You But I�m Not In Love With You (ILYBINILWY): This is the classic speech delivered by a Wayward to their Betrayed Spouse. This is the ultimate red flag. If you hear this, it is extremely likely your spouse is having an affair.
D-Day: The day the betrayed spouse discovers the affair. This may come via discovering secret emails, inappropriate text messages, a confession from the wayward spouse, walking in on the adulterers in the act, etc. This is a very bad day.
Adultery Diet/Divorce Diet: The sudden loss of weight and appetite after discovering your spouse has committed adultery. It�s common to lose 20-30 pounds in a month.
Exposure: Affairs thrive on secrecy. An affair is not very much fun when everyone knows about it. Exposure is when the Betrayed Spouse tells people the truth�that the Wayward Spouse is having an affair. Key targets for Exposure include the Wayward Spouse�s family and friends, the Other Person�s family and friends, the workplace, the children, and anyone else who can possibly influence the Affair Partners to end the affair. This is the Betrayed Spouse�s best weapon to fight the affair and save the marriage, yet typically the Betrayed Spouse will be afraid to Expose and will remain silent, thus enabling the affair to continue.
Anger after Exposure: After the affair is exposed far and wide, the Wayward Spouse will throw a fit. They'll say: �How dare you!� �It�s nobody�s business!� �Now I really want to divorce you!� �Why don�t you just take an ad out in the paper!� �Now I have to apologize to the Other Person!� In time, this anger subsides.
Plan A: This is the plan implemented in the early stages after D-day. Because it is very taxing on the Betrayed Spouse, it usually can�t go on for more than a few months. In Plan A, the Betrayed Spouse avoids Love Busters. The Betrayed Spouse makes the home a warm and inviting place for the Wayward to want to remain. The Betrayed Spouse meets all of the needs of the Wayward and gets none of their needs met in return. The goal of Plan A is to convince the Wayward that the marriage is better than the affair. This is the carrot. At the same time, the Betrayed Spouse demands an end to the affair and exposes the affair far and wide. This is the stick. �You see, Grasshopper, in Plan A there is a carrot. But there is also a stick!�
Plan B Letter: A love-letter written by the Betrayed Spouse to the Wayward Spouse. It begins with some of the shared positive memories of the marriage, and it ends stating the conditions that the Betrayed Spouse requires in order for the Wayward Spouse to return. The Plan B Letter is given to the Wayward to begin Plan B.
Plan B: This is when the Betrayed Spouse completely cuts off the Wayward. No talking. No texts. No phone calls. No emails. No face-to-face contact. Nothing. The Betrayed Spouse meets none of the emotional needs of the Wayward. If children are involved, the betrayed spouse uses an intermediary to pick them up/drop them off. A true Plan B is very dark, meaning there is absolutely no contact with the Wayward whatsoever.
Plan D: Divorce. A Betrayed Spouse has the right to Plan D at any time.
Recovery: A marriage can survive an affair and come out stronger on the other side, but the road to success is very narrow. In the case of divorce, recovery for the Betrayed is personal recovery: moving on to life without their former spouse.
Love Bank: The idea that every spouse stores units of love toward their spouse in a type of bank in their brain. These units can be either deposited or withdrawn. The more deposits, the more love they feel.
Love Busters (LBs): Actions by a spouse that deplete units from the other spouse�s Love Bank.
Angry Outbursts (AOs): A Love Buster that involves one spouse saying or yelling something hurtful at their spouse.
Disrespectful Judgements (DJs): A Love Buster where one spouse criticizes the actions of the other spouse.
No Contact (NC): In order for the recovery of a marriage to take place, there must never be contact between the Wayward and the Other Person ever again. This is essential. No phone calls. No texts. No emails. No Facebook. No one-last-face-to-face goodbye. Nothing. Ever. If the Wayward and Other Person work together, the Wayward must find new employment. An affair needs to be treated like an addiction. Contact feeds the addiction. It is common for a Wayward to break No Contact several times. Any form of contact is a major setback and leads to a false Recovery.
No Contact Letter: A letter written by the Wayward, approved by the Betrayed and mailed to the Other Person. This letter states that the affair was very selfish, destructive, and wrong. It tells the Other Person that the affair is over and there will be no contact ever again for life so that the marriage can recover.
Withdrawals: A period of time after No Contact is established where the Wayward pines for their Affair Partner. This is similar to an addict who is stripped of their drugs. For the Betrayed Spouse, watching their Wayward Spouse go through Withdrawals is a real kick-in-the-gut.
Cake-eating: This is when a Wayward Spouse will string along both the Betrayed Spouse and the Other Person. The Betrayed Spouse meets some of the Wayward's needs. The Other Person meets the remaining needs. This puts the selfish Wayward in a position where they can bask in the love of two people.
The Fog: Delusional thinking by a Wayward Spouse to justify adulterous behavior.
Fogbabble: Nonsensical statements made by a Wayward in the �Fog.� An example would be, �The problems in our marriage have nothing to do with the affair.� Another example, �The kids will be fine, people get divorced all the time.�
Blame-shifting: Typically, a Wayward Spouse will blame the Betrayed Spouse for the affair. God forbid they take responsibility for their own behavior. The Wayward will say, �It�s YOUR fault I had the affair.� The Wayward Spouse will find any flaw in the Betrayed that they can possibly find, no matter how small, and use that as an excuse to why they had the affair.
Gaslighting: A type of lying and form of psychological abuse/brainwashing that a Wayward Spouse will employ in order to keep the affair alive by trying to convince the betrayed spouse that the evidence of the affair is inaccurate. Example: �Yes, I sent that person 75 zillion sexually-laced text messages last month, but it�s not what you think.�
Toxic Friend/Enabling Friend: �Bad company corrupts good character.� This is a friend or relative of the Wayward Spouse who gives terrible advice and even �permission� to the Wayward to commit adultery. The Toxic Friend will say to the Wayward, �You deserve to be happy.� Unfortunately for the Wayward, there is no happiness in adultery.
Keylogger: A program loaded onto a computer that tracks the keys typed and takes screenshots. The Keylogger emails this information to another computer. This is an invaluable tool for spying on a spouse who is acting suspiciously.
Voice Activated Recorder (VAR): A recording device that can be hidden in a location that will record the Wayward�s conversations without the Wayward knowing.
FlexiSPY: Software that can be loaded onto a mobile phone to track the phone�s texts, calls, and emails, etc.
Short sale: Selling a home for less than it�s worth. These days, banks will often agree to take less than is owed on a home in order to avoid foreclosure. A hardship letter must be written. Hardships include divorce, loss of income, or illness.
Custody coach: A psychologist or other professional who will help you and your STBX (soon-to-be-ex) develop a parenting plan.
Parenting plan: A written plan of visitation and other matters regarding the children, agreed to by divorcing parents, signed and approved by a judge.
