Hello MBers!

I'm so sad to be posting here...this was not supposed to be my life...but here goes:

My WH admitted his A on August 30th. It lasted 6 months with a coworker who is now pregnant with possible OC. She has cut off contact from him. He and I are...at odds...he is dealing with a lot of guilt.

We were doing well until he chose to meet with her (despite my discomfort with the idea) to talk paternity...then he started having 'feelings' for her again and we have been at odds ever since.

Right now, there has been NC for a bit over 2 weeks...he's 'confused'. Won't say he loves me, she doesn't want him...keeps talking about 'needing time alone to figure himself out'.

As for my POV, I still love him very much. I don't think he did this maliciously and I know he regrets the A, but he feels a very strong sense of responsibility for the OC (if it's his).

Any tips or tricks for helping him to get over the guilt and get back into working on the M? He's in counseling and talking to a number of people but this limbo is KILLING me!!!

Thanks for any support you can offer!

Hi hope, sorry you are here. There is a very slim path to recovery here and it is contingent upon your husband never seeing or speaking to the OW ever again for life. Not many marriages survive this, so there is a very narrow path for you to take. I will post Dr Harley's advice for this situation:

Dr Harley speaking about pregnancy from an affair in this radio clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2409




How to Survive Infidelity

Please read this one very carefully: What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Has he stopped working with her? Is she married? I would DEMAND that he end all contact with the OW. That is your first step, hope. If he won't end all contact, then Plan B, a complete separation is suggested.

Okay, to answer questions from this post (and other post, sorry, didn't know the rule about one post per situation):

1. He has NC with her. She stopped contacting him. The last time he spoke with her was when they met to talk paternity and we have been in an awkward state ever since.

2. He works in the same company, but different store so they don't have contact. It's possible that in the future they may see each other if he has to go to her store, but it's rare that that would happen.

3. She is not married. He actually encouraged her to leave her abusive boyfriend (with my help) and that's how the relationship developed, he was a support person for her after she left.

4. We've been married for about a year and a half. No children together.

5. He's pretty adamant that he wants to play a role in this child's life. The OW is unstable, lives in poverty, and there is a high probability that she will end up back with the same boyfriend mentioned above (who tried to stab her and spent time in prison for it). My H is very concerned for the welfare of the child (as am I, to an extent).

Anyway, my main question in posting is this: Many posts/books address methods to END the A. But what if the A is over, but the WS is ambivalent about committing to working on the M?

Right now, due to intense guilt and lingering 'feelings' for the OW, my H feels unworthy of a relationship with me. So we are kind of in this limbo where we aren't actively working on our marriage - he's in counseling and I'm in counseling, but as far as taking steps to rebuild our relationship - well, he says he's not sure he wants to. He said maybe he needs 'some time alone'.

I have never seen any book or website address ambivalence AFTER the A is over...

Thoughts?

(Oh and thanks to all who responded!)

First and foremost until u have DNA proof this baby IS NOT his. period. u need to take this time to recover your marriage. Do not discuss paternity with OW until she provides u with a court ordered paternity test.

Well, this is not no contact. If they ever see each other, the affair is likely to start up again. First off, he would have to put extraordinary precautions in place that it is not "rare" but never.


I would consider leaving the marriage, hope. I really hate to say this, but you have only been married a year and your H has already had an affair and your young marriage is now condemned to dealing with an OC.

The only chance you have is to set the bar very high. Otherwise, there is nothing to save here. The fact that your husband is ambivalent tells me he is not serious about recovering your marriage. And the fact that he already had an affair and you have only been married one year tells me he has NEVER been serious. You have no hope unless he is serious.

I would go to him and tell him that you will only stay in this marriage if he meets certain conditions. Because if he doesn't, you don't have a marriage anyway and are better off without him. If he won't meet these conditions, then you are damned to a death of a thousand cuts and will probably end up divorced anyway.

Set him down and explain to that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness but only if he meets certain conditions. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. agree to abandon all claims to this baby and end all contact for life with the OW, even if it means leaving that job

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about the affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. Hee is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage and a life of hell.

I think that is an excellent suggestion. Have you told all your parents what he has done? I wonder what your parents think about this and if they would agree that it is best for you to move on?

Thank you all for your advice but I feel like no one is answering my central question:

What do I do about the ambivalence? Do I suggest that he leave? Going dark (Plan B) doesn't seem applicable because he is not in contact with OW.

I feel like if I make a bunch of demands while he's ambivalent, they will fall on deaf ears. I'm not ready for a divorce because I think that this situation was the result of both of us being very naive about marriage, boundaries, etc. Obviously, we are the only two that know our relationship inside and out...but I think you're right Melody about him not having been serious before...I wish I had known...and that he needs to get serious if he wants this marriage.

But anyway, back to my question: When there's already NC but there is ambivalence due to guilty feelings/withdrawal from the A...what's the best course of action for the BS?

Thanks again for all your help!

This was already answered, but you missed seeing it as your answer.


Make #6 a requirement.
The ambivalence will be replaced by commitment of romantic loce.

If you wait until the ambivalence is gone .... it will be too late.

Make your requirements now. Not demands, requirements.

"DH, if we are going to make this marriage wonderful, we start today. I think we owe it to ourselves to put forth our best effort.
I have been reading about a program which will restore romantic love in our marriage. It requires full participation from both of us. Are you willing? Yes, or no."

Don't argue/beg/cry/pout/threaten.
State your requirements as facts.

If WH says something along the line of "I'm not ready."

Tell him he has one week to get himself ready.

After one week, you say "OK. I see you are still here. That means you are ready to work the program with me. Let's get started." (have the MB home study course ready)

If WH balks.
You say:

"I see you have not made the decision to work on our marriage. This is unacceptable. I want you to move out."

He can be ambivalent from some other address.

I already gave him that speech. He said he needed time to think. I told him he has until Thanksgiving. The thing is, I honestly don't think he's ready to be serious. I mean, I think he's sooo stuck on himself and how HE feels (guilty for what he did to me, guilty for what he did to her, guilty for possibly fathering a child who may suffer its whole life due to the circumstances of its conception) that he can't even see my feelings/how to start to rebuild. He said even a kiss or a cuddle from me makes him feel uncomfortable because he doesn't feel like he 'deserves it'.

I'm looking at the book 'Constructive Separation' as a possible solution - as you said, he can be ambivalent from another address.

Hope, just my two cents but based on what u have said I don't believe for a minute he is complete NC. it's only been supposedly two weeks, right?

He's still in C. Trust.

I believed for TWO years that my POS was NC.....

I don't know how this is supposed to help me. I've checked phone records, nothing suspicious. She wants nothing to do with him. She didn't talk to him for 2 months until he reached out to her to talk paternity and since then, NC again.

I answered your question above. Go to him and give him your conditions. He either gets on board or you don't have a marriage. You cannot force him to engage in your marriage against his will.

There is your answer then. You should ask him to move out. Hand him a Plan B letter and tell him not to contact you unless and until he gets serious. I would also suggest you file for divorce. A divorce will take a few months to finalize and if he does meet your conditions in that time, you can always drop it. If he doesn't meet your conditions, then you will be divorced. Either way, you win.

How to Plan B

Plan B is the answer.

Has your husband been cheating for your ENTIRE marriage? You have only been married for 1.5 years and he has had an affair and got the OW pregnant. Has he ever been faithful? If so, for what? 2-3 months?

Do you see where I am going here? I am not sure what you think there is here. How is this man worth a lifetime of heartache when you could get divorced, endure short term heartache, but have a chance at a fabulous future with a good man?
\
This is a man who not only is NOT committed to you, but clearly does not care about you. Why would you want to stay married to such a man?

I see....

I agree with Melody.

Plan B while you file for divorce.

Sorry, if your WH were a car I'd say ..... you married a lemon.
You can stay with him another 5 years, he will still be a lemon.

How do you KNOW? What if he has a prepaid phone you don't know about? If you KNOW this b/c this is what he's told you, DON'T BELIEVE FOR A MINUTE!!!!!! I checked my POS's phone RELIGIOUSLY but he got smart enough to delete any messages or calls immediately. He had a work phone so I couldn't see the actual record.

Do you have passwords to ALL your H's accounts? (Forgive me if you've already mentioned this.) Do you have access to ALL of his financial information? GET IT NOW if you don't.

Sorry to be so blunt Hope, but after all I've been through, the writing is on the wall for me.

Your H is feeding you the SAME BS mine did. "I can't hug/kiss you b/c I feel guilty." "I feel badly about not parenting OC" (i.e. I'm kicking you to the curb so I can be a parent). This is ALL B.S.

If he wanted your marriage, he would do whatever it takes. Especially since you have NO IDEA if this OC is even his.

I had 12 years invested at DDay so I chose to stay and fight; to no avail. If I were in your shoes, I'd walk....IN A HEARTBEAT.

Hope, you'd be suprised how effective separation can be in helping clear up a person's head.

Personally, we are in a similar situation with an OC, and it is VERY VERY difficult to recover from, especially if there's any chance of C happening, which it sounds like is a huge threat based on your WH's sentimentalism about the OC. Any C at all can and will likely put you back to square 1 of recovery. I know because I've lived it. You both have to be 100% in agreement about NC with OW for life. Can he handle that? Can you? You're starting your M with an OC, which is a lot of dysfunction when neither of you have really built a life together with your own kids.

To help him make a decision, I think a separation may be just what you need. You can tell him that you love him and want to save your M, but ultimately it's up to him what happens next.