I just can't seem to get over my H's affair while I still allow OWSIL to enter my own home.



I sleep with the enemy, and have nightmares. I can't fathom why ???



H allows me to contact his former OW. He's 'here' for me.


What if I deflect by revealing my H's sneaking a ciggy as I omit me having OWSIL as a FB friend? What do you think is the cause of my nightmares?


Bitter and resentful over a sneaky cigarette. Yeah, that's what I said.


Is it normal to choose to have OWSIL in my life and resent cigarets?

That's a little harsh.
I really don't see it as that cut and dry.

This is my family here.

I can go nc again. I need to heal. I get it.
What do I do with all the resentment and hurt. Where in the h*** does it all go.

There are many here. And they have ended contact with the offending family members, just as you were instructed. We can't help you if you don't take the advice we give you.

Does your brother know the OW came into your house? And how are you handling family events? Do you see your brother and the OW at family gatherings? How is that being handled?

Friending OW was not 'some mistake'.


Guidance for what?
How to keep OW's family close and cigarets away?

I'm angry with you.
I'm going to stop for now.


I'm certain someone else will come by with a calm head.

Best wishes.
Happy Thanksgiving.

And it is this kind of thinking that brings you to this terrible place. Because you DON'T see it as "that cut and dry." You have learned the hard way that it is very cut and dry.

The way you get rid of resentment? Do what we told you to do. Get the OW out of your lives FIRST [that is the first step!!!], affair proof your marriage and then create a romantic, loving marriage.

It's VERY cut and dry.

Yes, he was there that night as well. We took the kids trick or treating together.

On the verge of tears here.

Brother would really like to spend time together for the Holidays.
He knows we are relocating soon and wants this time together as a family.

I think nc letter from me are in order.

You are right Mel...It should've been that cut and dry for me.

Pep, I'm sorry to have upset you. I totally understand the 2x4's.

I'm copying this from my post to your main thread, which i have just bumped in Recovery:

Invite him to come over for dinner with his son WITHOUT the ho. But make it clear that you will never come to a family gathering that is attended by the OW.

edited to add: don't invite him to your house because it hurts your brother to see your H, the OM. To see your brother, meet him at some restaurant. Without your husband..

Do all your children know what your husband and the OW did? If not, I would make sure they know so they can understand why the families cannot be together. Everyone should know what these people have done. The more people who know, the more people to hold them accountable.

Carka, people here have dealt with an affair not with their inlaws but with the OP being their SIBLING. They were told not to have any contact eith either their sibling or inlaw by DrH. Not even at funerals or weddings. You were talking about trick or treating. Come on.

I told you in my last post that you had 2 choices your brother or your marriage. Which one have you chosen?

Even when *I* had no contact, I was triggered all the time. What if I just can't do this.
I don't know.....maybe I'm just looking for permission to call it quits.
I love my husband very much....but I just don't know if I can give anymore.

I feel that if I throw the towel in now it would be a huge mistake.

Knowing this doesn't stop me from wondering if I should end my marriage. ( that is now a good marriage)

Soo very conflicted.

Calling it "quits" will not stop you from hurting.

You do understand that, right?

Hello Carka,

As you know my M survived an affair by my W with my own brother.

I have a few questions before I advise you.

You mentioned you were triggered EVEN without contact with the OW.

First, I'm not sure contact ever really stopped for any real length of time. How long have you been in actual no contact?

Second, What things specifically triggered you when you say you were not in contact with the OW?

Third, Everyone is correct when they tell you whether you throw your M away or not, the pain will not stop UNTIL you do the things that are necessary to actually HEAL from their affair. Do you get that?

All you will do is throw away a great M that actually has very little chance of a repeated adultery to suffer the rest of your life LOOKING for the great M that you just threw away.

Waiting to hear from you.

God bless.

Jim

Yes, I realize this.

Things that triggered me....let's see, um... waking up. Ok, I'm being a [censored]. Jim, I honestly wouldn't even know where to start. There are soo many things.

Initially *I* had no contact for a little over a year. After that I decided that I wanted to be a part of my brother's and nephew's life. I added owsil in a while after that for the sake of exchanging children. Making only rare contact with her. Definitely not a regular thing. The halloween thing that happened was a mistake and will not happen again.

And as far as doing the things to heal, I feel I've done them. Short of cutting my brother and nephew off completely. Why should I have to do that?


I have no issue cutting her completely out.

The affair is exposed, we did marriage couseling, H has had no contact with her for over two years, we spend tons of time together, ep's, accounting for his time, etc.

I'm going to start ic.

Let me ask you this

Here is your home -- it sits above the bar your FWH used to get HIGH in regularly. Instead of moving you simply tell your WH - you use the back entrance to enter our home so you cannot walk through the bar. That will keep you freely away from your addictive substance.

Because the front entrance through the bar has a nice elevator, a bellman, and makes your life easier, you and your family take the front entrance. The back entrance is just too difficult. It is a dark alley, and its only use is to make sure FWH doesn't get a whiff of the alcohol that once destroyed your lives.

As you walk towards the elevator to get home, you see the some of the same old friends your FWH used to get HIGH with and you and your family often stop to say "Hi and how are you?" As time progress you sometimes sit down and enjoy a drink or two to mingle and converse about old times.

As you lay down next to your husband each night he is able to role over and smell his HIGH on you. He smells the smoke and the cigars, the beer and the whiskey... your smell is the same odor he bathed in for years.

He doesn't tell you it bothers you because frankly why should it ... you aren't bothered ... you freely walk through the bar and don't mind the musty odor because that darn elevator makes your life easier "Why should you make your life more difficult? It was your FWH who was the addict!!!

As your husband rolls over after kissing you good night he is able to find peace and comfort because he dozes off thinking of his black label Johnnie Walker ... the one that first got him HIGH ... the same whiskey that caught fire and burned down your first home ... " as long as it doesn't bother my wife", he prays, "I will continue dreaming about a time in my life that was once a really great time."

Carka,

It is painfully obvious you DO have a problem with cutting her out completely...

The question that is much deeper is WHY you are having trouble cutting her out.

I think it is because of her attachement to your brother and your nephew and you KNOW that if you do cut her out it will affect your relationship with them.

At least, that is what happened in my case.

I had hoped that I could retain my relationship with my brother's family and still see my nephews and nieces.

It didn't work out that way.

They SUPPORTED my ex-brother in his vendetta against me even though I had done nothing wrong.

It doesn't really matter if it is because they were encouraged or not to do so...

They still are supporting him and there is NOTHING I can do about it.

I have chosen my marriage over any possible relationship with my nieces and nephews BECAUSE they are ATTACHED to my ex-brother.

You can think that you will be able to continue a relationship with your brother and nephew while EXCLUDING your SIL but it doesn't work that way in reality. Your brother and your nephew WILL support your SIL...

and there is NOTHING you can do about it.

In time, with normal aging, regardless of whether or not there had been an affair, your brother and his family would have become more distant to you and your family.

The process of increasing distance between your famiy and your brothers has been accelerated by the affair.

I choose Mrs.Flint, my children and grandchildren over any imagined pie in the sky wish that I could put scrambled eggs back into the shell, which is what you are trying to do.

Love your H and your family and start to try and put the past in the past which is where it belongs.

The more your M improves the easier it becomes.

If your brother wants to MEET somewhere privately for some brother sister time that's fine but you have to have the rule in place that there will be absolutely no talk about each other's spouses which are, of course, both of your OP's.

God bless.

Jim