Went to the state mandated parenting class for those who are divorcing recently. I wasn't looking forward to it because I assumed they would be force-feeding me coparenting information.

They instead talked about the spectrum, parallel parenting being on one end and interactive being on the other. They stressed how the most important thing is to keep conflict to a minimum for the children and that parallel parenting helps to achieve that for many parents and that as long as one parent wants it, the other parent should respect that and not try to force interactive parenting (in fact that will just escalate the conflict).

I wish I had known this earlier (that the state mandated parenting class basically supports Plan B) as my STBX and his lawyer have been all over my case because I will not communicate directly with him. My new lawyer got his lawyer to back off (she's really good!) but thought I would share some of the information they handed out in case anyone wants to share with friends/family (have taken some heat here too) or their lawyer.

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Cooperative Parenting
Information based on "Parenting Apart" curriculum by Geri Furhmann, Psy.D. & Joseph McGill, MSW

Although the marital and social relationship with one's partner ends at the point of separation the parenting relationship does not. Developing a post-separation parenting relationship with the other parent is often one of the most difficult tasks for parents. The parental relationship must be good for the children and tolerable for the parents. The goal of all cooperative parenting is the reduce parental conflict in front of the children and to create a peaceful environment for the children.

In many situations, interactive parenting is possible right from the start. Interactive parents are able to communicate directly about their children's needs, be fliexible regarding parenting plan schedules and often relate to each other in a business-like manner. Above all else, they both have the ability to keep the conflict away from the children and they are committed to making sure this happens.

Most parents, however are not emotionally able to parent interactively right after the separation so they often begin with a parallel parenting relationship with their ex-partner. In parallel parenting each parent assumes total responsibility for the children during the time they are in their care. The parenting plan is highly structured with no expectation of flexibility or negotiation. Parallel parents communicate indirectly with each other because past experience has shown that when they try to communicate directly with each other, there is often conflict in front of the children.

Tips for Parallel Parenting:

1. Remember that neither parent has say or influence over the actions or activities of the other parent, as long as there are no major safety issues involved.

2. Use common courtesy and try to be business-like in your dealings with the other parent.

3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent�s time with the children.

4. If conflict occurs when parents interact in front of the children, then minimize the amount of contact between parents when the children are present:
~ Pick up and drop off children at school, day care, grandparents or neighbors
~ Keep basic toys and clothes at each home to decrease the amount of exchange necessary
~ Send notes, emails or leave voice messages on answering machines rather than speaking directly to the other parent
~ Do not send a note for every little thing but wait until 3-4 messages have accumulated and then send out one note

5. If one parent is able to interact without conflict in front of the children and the other parent is angry and/or conflictual, then attempts at interactive parenting will likely fail at this time.

6. When communication and negotiation is necessary, consider utilizing a third party (relative, friend mediator or parenting coordinator) to be the go between

7. Get all the information about a situation or problem before jumping to conclusions.

8. Follow up all agreements about vacations, medical appointments, school activities, time sharing, etc, in writing in order to avoid confusion.

Thank you, Susie! Dr Harley says this about Plan B:


And here is another article written by Dr. Deena Stacer, who recommends a similar parallel parenting program: http://www.bpdfamily.com/pdfs/stacer.pdf

Susie, would you able to post this on the "How to Plan B properly" thread? It is vital information. Thank you so much for posting it.

Although, I think that thread might be locked. Perhaps you could ask the moderators to add it?

I emailed the moderators this afternoon and asked them to copy this thread to the notable posts forum. They already did it.

Thanks for that, SC & Mel.

Hope this information will help a Plan Ber when they are confronted with "You need to be communicating for the good of the children!" like I have been.

Just a couple more things I thought of that were mentioned about parallel parenting:

* In studies, the biggest contributing factor to how well children coped was if they were subjected to conflict - not if the parents were communicating or coparenting.

* Conflict does not just mean actively arguing. It means applies to parents' body language, mood, tone, posture, etc. So for example, if there was face to face contact between the parents during a dropoff, if either parent was visibly upset, stressed, etc, even afterwards and the child saw it - then it just be better to have no contact at all.

* They stressed that when a new relationship begins for either parent, that usually brings about a time of conflict, and they explained that even if the parents were interactively parenting, that during a time of conflict such as this, it might be best just to go into parallel parenting, etc. (So just more support that when one parent is wayward, it is going to obviously be a time of conflict)

This is great information, Susie, and I hope you add this last post to the thread in the notable post section. Most people are brainwashed into believing they should "communicate for the children" when in reality it is usually better for the children that they don't communicate. One does not have to "communicate" with the other parent to be a good parent.