I think it's a sign that she has absolutely no respect for you, and sees you only as someone to mind the children when she wants to have her fun. Given your unwillingness to stand up for your M, can you blame her?

Exactly.

You can man up, or fold. Your WW sees you as folding, as do I. She's no different the any other WS here.

You have every right to, but choose one direction.

Perhaps your delay on exposure really comes down to your ambivalence about wanting to stay in the marriage. You've let this go for so long that you must be running incredibly low on love for her and any enthusiasm about recovery.

Maybe you just needed to get so disgusted that you could feel ok about moving on.

As the days go on, you seem more and more bitter about your situation. This is why trying to bust up the affair is so crucial and it needs to be done as quickly as one can muster.

Because otherwise, the love dies and recovery is simply impossible.

And it IS disgusting. That she just takes off for the night while your child begs her not to go?

I agree with Surfer above. You need to decide what you want to do and move forward with it whether it's busting up the affair and attempting recovery or moving on via divorce.

I'd pack the kids in the car, head to walmart, buy a screw driver and a new set of locks for the doors. Head home, tuck the kids back in and change the locks. Takes about 5minutes a door. Keep em locked.

And it's the disgustingness that makes me wonder if WS is too far gone.

But I'm realizing, that not only do I have no way to know or control how WS will react, but I can't even imagine to what extent WS will go to "get even" for what she will undoubtedly view as "being wronged" by exposure.

Like I said, WS removed any reservation I had about PreT vs. PostT. There's nothing to be gained by waiting.

Though, I wouldn't be surprised if it won't do anything to change WS, other than bring increased vengeance, vitriol, and vindictiveness from an already callously uncaring WS.

No one has indicated the preceding as a result of their exposure, but I honestly see it as a high risk.

Exposure will accelerate your process for sure. It will get you out of this stuck place. Heavens, if she can chuckle on her way out the door to see her adultery partner and spit in your face by chirping "I'll see you in the morning!" then why shouldn't the whole world hear the good news that she's fallen in love?

I honestly don't know how you can stand being in the position you're in. The feeling of impotence must be eating you alive.

I think you're heading towards a divorce and want one more than you've been willing to admit to yourself. There's just no other reason to suffer this agony.

And really, what can she do to you? You have a lawyer lined up...she'll freak if exposed...so what? Anything seems better than being stuck in this hell you're in now.

While I can relate to the sentiment,

It's the legality of what you can and can't do vs. the things you would like to do.

One of the criticisms I have received was related to my pursuing legal counsel to prevent myself from creating more problems, as a result of ignorance of the law when I chose to expose, than I already was facing.

All of the things you typically hear about reactions like "changing the locks", "packing their bags" and "kicking WS to the curb", while things you can relate to feeling like you would like to do, does not change the fact that (at least in my state) are illegal to do.

99% of the time allowing emotions to control or guide your actions will be 100 % the wrong thing to do. (I know, I should follow my own advice.) :-)

If protecting yourself and your child is what matters, get the ball rolling on the divorce and DO it. This situation is not good for your child. Why is he clinging to his mother? He knows things are terribly wrong.

I imagine at this point you are out of love your wife.

If I'm wrong then go ahead and shine a light in the darkness. Expose and let her feel the weight of her decisions. She has had NO consequences for this vile behavior. There is nothing to fear from her.

Check out GJM and what's happened in his life over the last few days since exposure. He's feeling stronger, his kids are putting pressure on his wayward and she's starting to realize that she's losing control. It's awesome to witness.

As someone here, pointed out earlier in this thread,

Is that what you are willing to be ? A fallback "consolation prize" when affair falls apart ?

I have told WS, that I love her, but I hate what she is choosing to do.

For the sake of our child not growing up in a single parent broken home being shuffled back and forth.....and the fact that I have made an unconditional commitment and meant it "for better for worse.......till death do us part"......and because I love the person I know is still somewhere under the seething resentment and anger and bad behavior......believe it or not I could forgive.

It's the thought of "even if OM fails, and WS doesn't come back........then all exposing accomplished is minimizing cooperation in a coparenting relationship for even more years than the original marriage.

Not an attractive thought/option.

It's the thought of "even if OM fails, and WS doesn't come back........then all exposing accomplished is minimizing cooperation in a coparenting relationship for even more years than the original marriage.

Not an attractive thought/option.
_______

Do you really think this woman is going to be punishing you for years to come if you tell other people the truth and ask them to help save your marriage????????????

If she is a decent person, she will be a good co-parent and if she is a bad person she will not be a good co-parent anyway. Do you think you are so important to her if she divorces that she will let you dictate her actions for years? If she wants to sabotage a coparenting plan, she will indeed find a reason to do so. Exposure, insults, you showing up 5 minutes late, bad breath, anything.

You are making a big mistake in your thinking.
If you want to coparent with her so bad, you might as well go straight to plan D. Oh and while you are at is, remember that if you self-censor your moves now, because of fear of bad coparenting, you are giving her the power to hold ou hostage and to dictate what you do. EVEN WITHOUT TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO YOU LET HER PLAY YOU LIKE A DOLL ON STRINGS. How sad is that?
Do you think she thinks about you even 1/3 of how much you think of her?? Ya think?

Wake up.

Happyheart

Ok, Dr Harley likens affairs to addiction, and I really do see this. Your WW is now falling down drunk, she has become a mean drunk, and you are letting her walk out the door to get her next drink without telling anyone who might help talk her out of it?

You need to expose NOW.

Stop letting WW be a closet drinker.

Please stop being a doormat and an enabler. I say this because I am worried for you and your child.

If you are afraid that exposure will make her nasty and disrespectful, you can�t get much worse than behaviour like this.

And her SHOCKING behaviour is a direct result of your failure to expose

She sees you as a doormat and treats you as one. If you are to split, she needs to know her child�s dad is not a doormat. If you are to stay together she needs to know you are not a doormat too!

Being blatantly wayward in this way, knowing that you will not speak the truth in front of your child � shes using the poor kid as a shield.

She is also using the holidays as a shield, comfortable that you will not rock any boats and keep the home lights burning while she goes out and does as she pleases.

Take this tool away from her immediately by shining the light of truth on her behaviour. Show your confused and pleading child that at least Dad is capable of honesty around here. Manage it sensitively and without any fear. Show WS there is nowhere to hide, that there are consequences to her actions.

When she blows up and gets furious � tell her you did it for the marriage and for your child. Then whistle and go about your day



Some WSs change when the affair dies and they are free of the addiction. Some insist on staying wayward and getting the feelgood fix of cheap and easy relationships forever.

There is really no way to tell until you kill the affair. So kill it and see.

I am not sure what you are waiting for. It is clear your child is getting more distressed and confused by the day. due to the lies. Your wife gets more disrespectful and cruel because she feels protected by the lies.

Expose. You arent going to hear anything different on here, and you cant move on to the next step until taking the first.

I am not sure why this surprised you or you would think this would be out of the norm. Waywards DO NOT have their families and children in mind. They are selfish, entitled, and in their foggy heads can justify their bad behavior.


This is my last shot on exposure and then I am done:

DD, I realize you think you are doing right by your child by trying to de-escalate the hostility in your WW but just remember that the more you enable this (by not exposing), that you are just hurting your child more. Waywards do NOT make good parents.

Even if you aren't sure if you can save the marriage, I would fight like hell to end this affair and bring your WW out of the fog. Once you separate, your child will still have to deal with it and even worse, you will have no control what is going on when he is with her.

SQ,

I wasn't surprised, more so angered by it and frustrated.

Resulting in opening my eyes to see the situation clearly and see what needs to be done......sooner rather than later.

Everything I have done in an attempt to do right by our child, has and will continue to be the opposite of WS focus while under the current influence.....and possibly long after.

I get it.

Exposing is making a final stand and declaration of my commitment to trying to save my family.

Successful or not.

A successful exposure is ~~~> exposure where the chosen targets become aware of the fact that there is an affair interfering with a marriage.

None of us can control the outcome. (what other people will do)

Many of us believe that keeping an affair a secret is aiding & abetting the adulterers. Exposure is the successful end that.

Music to my ears! Exposure ALWAYS brings empowerment and success in that sense and you are over due for release from this abusive secret.

What is your exposure plan. targets/method of communication..?

Was considering:

Text message (WS) f&f
Facebook "Friends" with same last name of OM.

Recommended methodology ?

Don't tell WW that you're exposing.

Don't warn her.

Do it and don't look back. And we've already told you a million times that she will be furious and will spit vile venom at you for doing so. She will go absolutely nuts.

Going nuts is good. It means its effective.

For your own pride as a man, expose.

Exposure won't hurt you legally. Changing the locks would, but exposure doesn't hurt you.

So quit making excuses and do it.

Start with her family. OM and his gf or wife. Then any friends of yours that could put pressure on the affair. Work and HR if they work together.

Then start on his side with his FB list, focusing on his family.

I really hope you're going to do this.

We've warned you that it will bring he77 upon your head.

Exposure doesn't ruing coparenting later. Amicability after a D is a fantasy. After a D the ex is nothing more than a business partner you interact with for your kids. That's it.

There is nothing friendly about court orders, subpoenas, lawyers, etc.

The outcome of exposure is that it brings the affair to light and OM can never be introduced at the new boyfriend whom she met after leaving you.

It will either fizzle out, end, or expedite the D process.

Your WW is a classic cake eater.