Please read the posts of the BH's that exposed.

Do not pay attention to the story of what happened or didn't happen after, it is irrelevant and somewhat out of your hands.

I am not the same man I was before, in a good way. It is impossible to really put in words, but it changed me. Things will be different with me from now on.

I was asking becauase I understand that it's best to hit everyone at once.... if he isn't going to be around for a few days I wasn't sure if that impacts the plan. I'm just asking questions. You guys have either done this yourselves or advised many on how to do it. Every question is not a delay tactic. If I do this I want to be the most effective so in order to make a good plan I am trying to ask for advice.

Thanks.

I'm not sure why asking questions is avoiding exposure. You guys I assume want me to do this correctly. I'm just trying to figure out if him possibly not finding out about exposure for a few days matters. I was under the impresion that the biggest impact was to get my WW and the OM all at once. I was just asking. I actually have a few questions for you guys but not i'm affraid to ask I feel like every time I ask something I get told I'm putting it off. NO! I jsut want to make sure I'm doing it right.

I can be indecisive, I'll give you that. However, as you guys already know, this is a BIG deal. I am just trying to make a plan and make sure it goes as well as possible. I know I can't control the reaction or the outcome, but I am only asking question to learn and to make the best decision. That really shouldn't be so aggravating to you guys.

Ok, I have a few questions. Hoepfully this won't lead to a ton of posts calling me a coward or putting it off.

You have all said exposure is the best way to end the affair. I have to say I agree that is sounds very effective!

You have said I can expect anger from my WW. And I need to remain calm. I get that.

But....

I know someone said there's a slim chance she will break down and apoligize, if so I offer a hug, etc.

I realize that's not likely and the response I should expect is anger.... understood.

But, if she gets upset but doesn't leave and doesn't end the affair.... then what? I know some of you said the affair might end right away or it might not.... do I wait, what do I do in that case?

What if she leaves and goes to him? Again, just asking questions so I'm prepared. Obviously none of us know exactly what will happen but you have either all been through this, going through it now or have advised many on the outcomes, so I'm asking.

Also.... you said to continue on the the holidays and life as normal and let her pout. What if she doesn't pout but just doesn't join in?

Or what if the kids dont' just sit there and be calm? I assume they will be pretty cold with her.

These are just questions so please, please don't call me names or accuse me of stalling. I am closer now that I have been in the past week, so work with me. I am one of those people that over think everything and telling me to just do it probably isn;t going to make it so. Whether it's the right way for you guys or not, I don't know, but I am being open and letting you know this is how I work. So please help me out.

Thanks, as always I appreciate the support.

Giraffe6

Thanks.... I wasn't sure if it mattered or not that's why I was asking. I just didn't know if it was best to have her at home where she had to face us and I didn;t know it if it would be more effective to have him at home to get the impact at the same time as her. I am just trying to make sure I do this with my best chance for effective results. And I wasn't planning to do it right before the kids went back. I was just waiting until Friday when they would al be face to face. They don't go back until Sunday. I am considering it today or tomorrow so it happens before Thanskgiving, I am just asking questions to finalize my strategy.

Even better. So, POSOM's gone for a few days. Let him come back to the flames of he77 you fanned with your global exposure during his absence. Your gift to POSOM: give him a holiday he'll remember.

G6, there are two kinds of BH�s here. The ones like you who analyze, equivocate, are scared, ask a million questions, and do nothing for a while before taking action because they sit around trying to figure things out.

Then there�s the ones that track down the OM, put him in the hospital, throw the WW out on her a$$, and have massive cajones and don�t take crap.

The sweet spot is in the middle. We understand being nervous and afraid. We understand asking questions. But this isn�t rocket science. It�s really rather simple. Your WW has been running around screwing another man.

You have your exposure targets. You have the info you need. So act. It�s really that simple. We get frustrated because we�re repeating the same things over and over again to you and we�re trying to help you. We can�t expose for you.

Your response after exposure is key. You need to be emotionless and strong. You need to not back down and you need to be ready for the sh*tstorm she�s going to hurl your way with anger, vitriol, venom, and screaming that will come from this. You will seriously question if this was the right thing to do, but we�ve seen it all before and the answer is always the same. It is the right thing to do no matter what path your marriage takes. You can�t save your marriage as long as there is an active affair.

Your kids are the greatest weapon in all of this since they can freely express themselves to your WW.

So stop analyzing. Pick up the phone and call your kids. Call her family. Call your family. Call OM�s family or write them on FB. Contact OMW.

That�s it. Nothing more to it.

Go read GJM�s thread. He was initially afraid, like you. But look at the drastic turn around since. OM is running scared. WW is wavering. But he�s back in control of the situation and is calling the shots on things. Will he save his marriage? Who knows. But the odds of it happening are much higher now after exposure and he feels a ton better now that he�s controlling the situation.

What HTLD said.

One thing I don't think I've seen mentioned as an exposure target. OM is military also, correct? If so, I'm sure his superiors wouldn't be too happy with him messin with another soldier's W. If you expose to your kids and they hammer your W and you expose to his chain of command and they hammer him, this A would be toast.

H4U.

One more thing....Thank you for your service. People defending our country shouldn't have to deal with this crap, so put an end to it!

Giraffe6,

Yes exposure is your best bet at ending the affair your wife is having.......
Your wife will be angry, don't doubt that, so what the madder the more you know it has worked.......
You just need to repeat to her over and over again that you will do what ever you have to in order to save your marriage and family.
If she needs a hug give her one as a friend for now........
She may not leave right away or end her affair right away, this is a process when the fantasy is blown out of the water.........She will spew all kinds of craziness and ridiculous thoughts and words, pay no attention to anything she says, just keep repeating the statement above about saving the marriage.......and that you love her and are willing to work on the marriage....
Only if she meets your requirements to stay in the marriage.
If she leaves and goes with him you can't stop her, let her really feel and understand what her decisions will have for her in her future.....
You stay in the house with your children, do not leave, if she wants to leave let her.........
Sometimes a drastic situation and move wakes them up when they realize what they have done and what the consequences will be......
Let the fantasy relationship hit the reality one square in the face.......
Watch how quickly they see each other for what they really are.....
Liars and cheaters.....
If she stays you go on with life for you and the kids if she doesn't engage she doesn't you make it the best you can for all of you.
If your kids are cold with her, good she needs to feel what havoic she has caused......It is up to her to deal with her children you don't have to intervene for her.........
I exposued Nov 23rd 2009, just before the holidays, we all got through it and I know my husband suffered the most, I made it the best I could for the boys and our families.
It was hard but it is a great time of year for the waywards to understand what family is...........real family.
I over think everything as well, but I am telling you it was such a relief for me and I underestimated how powerful family members and my children were in this situation......
My husband to this day says it turned around for him the day I told our grown sons, 20 and 22 at the time......
I say don't waste anymore time, you need to respect your family.....don't let some other man get away with hurting them anymore and you don't know it yet but he is...............you can't protect them from this it is better for them to see their Dad protect them and be honest with them then to let your wife just leave them for the OM........they will be angry with you if you do not.........
They look up to you......they expect you to have their best interests at heart and letting someone else steal their family life is not protecting them.
I have also been married 24 years, you don't know how powerful that # of years is.........it is a life time of memories and happy times.........let that work for you.....
Don't be afraid, there is no good time for this kind of news so now is as good a time as any...........Let your boys help you, let your family and friends help you....
Affairs are wrong, in everyone's eyes not just ours and yours..........
jessi

Giraffe, I suspect he's going to find out as soon as you expose. Either way, don't waffle based on who's going to be where. If you've got your contacts all lined up and you're ready to go, EXPOSE.

Quote

But, if she gets upset but doesn't leave and doesn't end the affair.... then what? I know some of you said the affair might end right away or it might not.... do I wait, what do I do in that case?

What if she leaves and goes to him? Again, just asking questions so I'm prepared. Obviously none of us know exactly what will happen but you have either all been through this, going through it now or have advised many on the outcomes, so I'm asking.

Also.... you said to continue on the the holidays and life as normal and let her pout. What if she doesn't pout but just doesn't join in?

Or what if the kids dont' just sit there and be calm? I assume they will be pretty cold with her.

So many extraneous questions, questions about things that don't really matter, seemingly further hand-wringing and delay tactics masquerading as questions.

What is the main problem here, G6? What is it that you have to solve before you can do anything else, before you can go to step two in your algorithm of putting HumptyDumpty back together again? Your wife's affair. You must kill the affair. You kill the affair by exposure. Which you are afraid to do because things may get a tad unpleasant, the wife may get a little upset and, gulp, yell at and/or threaten you with dire consequences. At which point you'll be back here berating us because she did so.

Well, let's put it all out on the table here. Your wife is gonna be PISSED, all WS are, because you told the truth and now everyone knows and are calling to try to help end the affair. That's what exposure does, G6, brings out the truth and all of a sudden shows the WS that their wonderful mystical magical affair world is just cheap and tawdry. Most of all it brings shame, shame is a very powerful motivator, because if what the WS was doing was right, they wouldn't be ashamed of how people they love and respect now see their behavior.

It takes strength to look at a WS square in the eye and tell them that you are going to stand resolute and rebuild a life together, that failure is NOT an option, and you will not be deterred by crying/screaming/threats. That you are doing this not out of spite but out of a conviction that this can be overcome as long as the two of you have the strength and initiative to see it all the way through. That you will not allow the affair to continue and be disrespected, and that if she cannot get on board the MB express to recovery, that as much as you want to show her how great your new marriage could be, you cannot stay with a wayward spouse who is carrying on with another man while living with you. I think you will be surprised at her reaction.

So what if she doesn't participate? Who gives a damn if she doesn't want to act like part of a family. For your sake I hope she has a horrible Thanksgiving and an even crappier Xmas and New Year. I hope she feels so bad about what she's done that she ralphs up her turkey dinner. I hope that forever her really crappy 2011 holiday season is irrevocably tied to her affair and its aftermath. All you have to do is continue to Plan A, be the best husband and partner you can be. If she doesn't respond, just shrug it off and continue Plan A. Why let it ruin your kids' holiday. If she sees you as a family having a good time, it will drive the point home even more that she could potentially lose this.


Time to either sh&t or get off the pot, G6. Stop the hand wringing, and the obfuscation, because you're not fooling anyone here or your wife for that matter.

Just yourself.

And I'm going to continue to call you on it, because I am resolute, G6, I am going to continue to pester you and not allow you to watch your marriage sift like grains of sand through your fingers. I know you won't put me on ignore because you seem to be drawn here like moth to a flame, otherwise why would you come here and continue to argue and squirm when people are pointedly telling you to put your big boy pants on?

This being holiday season coming up. Use it to your advantage!

You've got to just do it and handle what happens as it happens. She will be angry. That much is predictable. You will feel stronger. That much is predictable. Your family and children will rally in support of you, which will touch you and show you that this is the right thing to do.

You have nothing to lose and the clock is ticking. Do it knowing you can't control what happens but you WILL gain a feeling of doing the right thing instead of watching helplessly while your house burns to the ground.

Focus on you, the work you need to do and trust the process. You can do this!! I'm rooting for you Giraffe. DO IT TODAY.

Tell you what: you expose as everyone is advising you to do, before Thanksgiving.

Come back here for advice once you get whatever reactions.

Deal?

You know what absolutely will not work, and will do nothing to either end her affair, or save your marriage?

This;

Hi Hopeforus! Thanks for the post. I'm not military and neither is OM, you might have me confused with anothter poster. I do appreciate the post, just wanted to clear that up for you and others who might be thinking that.

Giraffe6

Hmmm, thanks SugarCane.... that is fair, but I would really like some things to expect so I am prepared. I know it may sound like stalling but it's really just how I think. But that is a fair reply. And I want to do this either way, I would just prefer some things to expect other than she'll be mad and I just have to be calm. That sounds way too easy!

Many posters have told you what to expect. Now go find out in real life. You have no idea how much better you're going to feel even with the tasmanian devil your wife will become once exposed.

Life rewards action (as Dr. Phil likes to say. Not a fan of his but I do love this statement).