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Joined: Jan 2006
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Probably wants you to look like you are owing when the divorce is finalized. If you can pay it, you should - because she will make a move to have all payments go through the court.

In a way, going through the court helps you, because you are protected from false claims of arrears. Other times, depending on where you live, it isn't so great if the court in your area is less than stellar at keeping their payment system updated and accurate. it's a crapshoot.


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Is there an official CS order?

If there is no CS order, then there is no CS owed.

Have you submitted for an adjustment for being unemployed?

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help,

The CS order, I think, is official. We signed the settlement agreement last month. It contained a line about my monthly CS payments.

No, I have not submitted an adjustment for being jobless. Asking my lawyer or looking up the info online would be helpful, right?

(By the way, I plan to go to a DivorceCare group next Tuesday).

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

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EDIT

Last edited by Fireproof; 10/19/11 09:42 AM. Reason: TOS disruptive
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Please ignore the screaming WW.

This woman seems to have a screw very loose somewhere.

MJ, on your end, make sure you get an adjustment based on being unemployed. That is a very big deal and you don�t want to fall back on CS and end up in jail.

Divorcecare is very helpful and I think you�ll really get a lot out of it. I�m Catholic and it is a protestant program, but there is nothing inconsistent with Catholic teaching and doctrine and the process of healing is the same.

The religious aspects of the program are a part of the overall program but aren�t an overbearing, bash you over the head, thing. There are some very practical things that you do in the program.

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These recent posts are rather like looking at a sci-fi movie - the one with the spinning head spewing green slime.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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help,

I agree. Getting an adjustment is a big deal. How do I get an adjustment? Do I petition the court?

As for DivorceCare, I left a message with the pastor last night. I like what I hear and read about the program.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
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Yes, you have to file and inform them of your employment status and request a freeze on CS payments until you can find a job. consult a lawyer.

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A brief update: My D is final. The judge signed the papers last month, or at least I think he did.

The official proclamation changes little on my end. I have the same arrangement I did in September, which is a better one than before, as I see them more often That's the good part.

The bad part is my kids see the OM more often. He comes over once every couple of weeks. My WW has also taken them to his house for dinner. Worse, she took them to his neighborhood to go trick or treating. Yep, they were one big happy family.

My daughters' reaction to the OM is difficult to discern. On the one hand, they have told my friends that they don't mind being with the OM. On the other hand, they tell me the opposite. And as I am a good father to them, I think they much prefer me to the OM. They are healthy and happy for now.

I'm hanging in there. I went to Divorce Care for the last four sessions of the year, and will go to all of the sessions when the program starts up again in January. I liked and benefited from the program. It reinforced points Dr. H and many of you have made.

For the past month, I have been in a good way. I drew up a list of the five areas of my life: soul, heart, body, mind, and debts. If not for my debts, I would be rolling! Every day or nearly every day, I go to Mass, run or do pushups, write, talk with others about how I can meet their needs, and look for a job. Also, I have avoided bad habits and LB's. I even got a new job, albeit a temporary, low-paying one for the holidays.

I am behind in CS payments. My lawyer said I was very unlikely to convince a court to reduce them, as I was terminated from my last job. For now, my WW is understanding. My hope is that my seasonal job and unemployment checks will get me out of the red.

As a rule, I steer clear of dating sites, but avoiding them altogether is difficult. There seem to be a bunch of good fish in the sea. In my more reflective moments I realize that the best one out there was my wife from three years ago and our two kids.

Thanks again for following my thread. If I had to name one change in my life over the last two years, I would say it's the recognition that success and happiness in life are unusually dependent on meeting the needs not of yourself but those of others.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 41 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
D is final: 10/14/11
The state no longer recognizes my marriage; the Church and I still do

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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MichaelJan, I'm sorry to hear that your situation did not turn out as you had hoped.

Can I ask one thing? Could you change your sig line? You say you were in Plan B beginning 11-10, but you were never really in Plan B. It will make it alarming for other new posters in your situation to read your outcome if we recommend Plan B after they've read your thread. They will assume you were really in Plan B.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/21/11 09:13 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Sure, I guess. My new sig line will say that I was and am in Plan B & D.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 41 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B & D since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
D is final: 10/14/11
The state no longer recognizes my marriage; the Church and I still do

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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You never did a real Plan B - that's what I'm asking you to change, so other posters reading your thread don't get confused.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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maritalbliss,

I don't appreciate your harping on the fact that my execution of Plan B was insufficient. It strikes me as scrupulous. Dr. H himself said talking with the WW when we were seeking to hammer out a settlement was OK. And actually for a month or two, I did execute a full Plan B.

My family isn't broken up because of my failure to execute Plan B to your standards. It's broken up mainly because of my WW's infidelity and partly because of my inability to keep a job and assurance that I had her back every second of every moment.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 41 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B & D since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
D is final: 10/14/11
The state no longer recognizes my marriage; the Church and I still do

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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My point wasn't to harp on anything, MichaelJan. It was for the benefit of new posters who come here and read threads as a way of learning how to implement the different parts of Dr. H's concepts.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Fair enough, but please don't consider my handling of Plan B a failure. After all, I'm hanging on and fighting for my marriage and family. I haven't given up; I'm not giving up. Well for another year at least.

That's the whole point of Plan B, right? To protect the betrayed spouse from the toxicity of the affair? Consider me largely if not entirely toxic-free!

--------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 41 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B & D since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
D is final: 10/14/11
The state no longer recognizes my marriage; the Church and I still do

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
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Posts: 318

Get out your 2 x 4's or your advice. I got a woman's phone number Sunday night. She is smart, lively, statuesque, and 23 years old.

Calling her is the honorable thing to do. But what to say to her?

Here's my tentative strategy: While I can't date you now because I want to give my WW a chance to reconcile, I would like to call you next year (when my time limit for Plan B will have expired).

My mind and soul want me to say this. My heart doesn't. It wants to start dating her.

Any thoughts?

--------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 41 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B & D since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
D is final: 10/14/11
The state no longer recognizes my marriage; the Church and I still do

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
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this would strike me as very creepy. cut your x loose. make her earn her way back. either call the girl with a sincere desire to date and have fun, with no serious ties, or don't. but you don't even know her yet. true confessions don't come for a long time and a lot of different women to date.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Originally Posted by MichaelJan
I got a woman's phone number Sunday night. She is smart, lively, statuesque, and 23 years old.

Calling her is the honorable thing to do. But what to say to her?

--------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 41 (and jobless, again)
She's 23 and you're 41. Are you sure she is interested in you romantically? Did your conversation the other night establish that fact?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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SugarCane,

I'm not sure she's interested in me romantically. I'm guessing.

She asked me lots of questions, including about my age, and we seemed to hit it off.

--------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 41 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B & D since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
D is final: 10/14/11
The state no longer recognizes my marriage; the Church and I still do

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
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Originally Posted by MichaelJan
SugarCane,

I'm not sure she's interested in me romantically. I'm guessing.

She asked me lots of questions, including about my age, and we seemed to hit it off.
Under what circumstances did you get her phone number? Did you ask her for it? Did she appear to know that you were interested in her romantically when she gave it to you?



BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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