No, I thought not.

Moving on...

Maybe you should get someone to come in and take your place.

Oh, wait. Never mind.

I want to make sure you understand. I'm getting the impression that you think you need to sit down and have a "family meeting" and expose with the WW in attendance.

Exposer is done without her knowing about it first or during. You can tell her after you do it but you dont do it with her in the room. She will try to stop you.

I dont know why I got that impression other than worrying she will not be home but just wanted to make sure you understood that.

10 pages of advice. No exposure still.

Awaiting UN approval for exposure.

Thanks LuvsDavid! No, I was just wondering if it mattered that she would have an "out" or a place to go for the next few nights rather than having to face her family. And I felt it might give her a place to be and talk to him, etc. That's all. I appreicate the post. No, I don't plan to have her in the room when I tell the kids or anyone. Just asking if it matters that she has a place to go (work) for each night this week starting tomorrow. Including Thanksgiving night.

Yes, but...

Things you control - What you do

Things you don't control - everything else

Things you have done - nothing

Thank you americajin! Very brutal but also helpful! It's not easy to just stop being an over thinker. I know my current strategy of "waiting her out" isn't working. I know giving her "respect" that she hasn't earned is just making me loose self respect. I know giving her "time and space" just means space from me and time with him! I know not telling anyone about this, wasn't protecting her, it was just protecting her secret (I just figured that one out recently!). But even knowing all of this.... I still find myself over thinking it. Trust me, I am on board with this. I just need to be confident in my strategy. I don't want to just start a war without a plan. And I realize I'm already in a war, and I didn't start it, but you know what I mean.

I just wonder what in the last week of posts has giving you mixed messages or confused you. Who has not shown support for your fears and understood your hesitation? We've been there.

I'm out until further notice. I mean it this time.

You HAVE a plan. It's spelled out here in pages and pages of posts.

Execute it ASAP. You are losing some of the best people on here Giraffe. They are moving on to help others who are ready and willing to take action.

All this thinking is just a defense against getting busy. Is this how you are in life and in your marriage? Do you hesitate and over think all the time?

This waffling is not attractive to a woman. Your wife wants you to show her how much you care. Yes, it's a war but it's a war about truth and about what's right. Star the process. You WILL feel stronger.

This is getting insanely annoying.

you have all been here for me and it's appreciated, a lot! I don't think I've said anyone has given me mixed messages or confused me. I did have one day (my second day here) when I got a little upset but other than that I don't think I've suggested folks here aren't supportive, etc. I was confused and scared BEFORE I got here, it's why I came here! I don't know if many have just jumped at exposure the first week. I'm sure some have, maybe even the first day. I have been straight with all of you, especailly today and just told you that I am an over thinker. I didn't say I like it, but it's who I am. I had some questions that I wanted to ask today, that's all. I appreciate everything and if you need to step away I understand. My intention isn't to frustrate anyone here, or anywhere! I just need to process this the best way for me. It's no fun feeling like a doormat or like you're being used by your wife of 24 years. It's no fun feeling like you're not being open with your family. I know I'm not the first person to say these things.

Thanks for the support!

Giraffe, are you an engineer?

Thanks zibbles!

I don't think wanting to wait until my kids are home so I can tell them face to face is a defense against getting busy or a stall tactic, I just feel it's the right thing to do. And if it's what I feel is best for me and my children I don't see why others can't support that. I have said plenty of things on here that have deserved some remarks about stalling and I've accpeted those. But wanting to tell my kids in person doesn't seem like a bad thing.

I certainly don't want to loose the support of some of the top posters here or anyone for that matter. I NEED support! But that doesn't mean I should have to do something like telling my kids over the phone if it's not what I'm cofortable with.

And as for hesitating in life etc.... yes, I made that clear that I am an over thinker and I am indecisive. Not always proud of it but again, it's who I am. I don't think that's something you can just turn off even if you know it's a problem.

G6

Ok Giraffe. I want to throw something out there for you.

Some people value feelings. Feelings trump everything and they're willing to feel everything in order to find fulfillment. In fact, these types thrive on intensity and drama. Often, these are the waywards who talk about needing to be happy and their affairs are about being happy in life over all other rational and practical concerns. Obviously, letting feelings run the show 100% is dangerous and destructive.

Then there are the thinkers who are so determined to think their way through things that they often short circuit the feelings. Thinkers tend to think through the feelings. Instead of saying "I'm angry", they say "I think I'm angry". All feelings get filtered through the mind because at the root, they are terrified of "messy" feelings.

You are putting off action because you're terrified of all the feelings that will erupt. Your feelings, your families' feelings, etc. But mostly you are probably terrified of your OWN feelings.

You can't think your way out of this box. You're going to have to feel your way through it in a way that you may never have before.

In a perfect world, we would all find that balance between thinking and feeling. You need to step out of the thinking a bit long enough to take action and risk the intensity of the feelings you seem to be so desperate to avoid.

yes, I was going to say that earlier today. I am a software engineer. So yes, I try to do things in a "logical" fashion, in other words, I'm anal and overthink things. I do realize that things aren't alaways "logical", especially in life, but again, it's hard to just turn that off.

And as I've mentioned I am also pretty indecisive, which I know is not very attractive as a trait in a man.

Thanks zibbles.... great post! And you pretty much got me.... the problem with me is I am very senstive and probably more in touch with my feelings than my wife (I always say if I were anymore sensitive I'd be a woman, lol), BUT then I am also an overthinker.... so yea, I'm a mess!

But what a great post, thank you!

You have some perfect picture of telling your kids in person. Why not tell them TODAY so that the shock can sink in a bit before you all get together in person? If you tell them TODAY they will be more prepared to show up in person ready to help you fight this war.

Plus, it will give you some space from the intensity of their feelings which seems like something you need as a hard core thinker.

I'm glad you see your emphasis on being a thinker and acknowledge that it trips you up but I don't think just saying "this is how I am and I can't help it" is good enough.

Your life as you know it has been crushed to pieces. Is this not the cue that it's time to make real changes in YOURSELF?

Just as a sanity check, I rolled all the way back to eight (8!) days ago to the very first reply to G6. The very first reply was the blueprint for exposure, and it's been a non-stop repeat of that advice for eight (8!) days and thirty (30!) pages of posts.

As it is very difficult for me to believe that any man will sit around wringing his hands and wallowing in indecision for eight (8!) days, much less the two months (2! Months!) it's been since D-Day while his wife is having a Bang-O-Rama with her party boy, coming home for a little R&R from the No-Holds-Barred Freak Matches, having hubby wipe the sweat from her head and run her a bubble bath while she rejuvenates for her jungle romps, I have come to the conclusion that G6 is a troll who came here to see just how long he can string along the good MB crew on Dr. Harley's concept of exposure.

Well, G6, I'm guessing you're about to find out that eight (8!) days is just about the limit.

Along with the muffled sounds from the bathroom of your wife sending her T-giving wishes to Loverboy, I suspect your holiday will be filled with the electronic equivalent of cricket-chirps from the MB message boards.

Best-o-luck.

Wow, zibbles, where have you been!? I'm not sure if you are getting these from somewhere or if you use them all the time, but it doesn't matter. These are great posts and really inspirational! I do agree that I need big changes and I do agree that just saying it's who I am isn't good enough. I wasn't trying to do that but I realize it came out that way. I was just saying it's how I've always been but your post is right on.... maybe it's time to stop being who I've always been!

One of the gifts of this board is not just the support and help executing the plans, it's the wake up call we get about our own behavior/choices/approach to the problem etc.

We can't see ourselves as clearly as others can, especially in these very charged circumstances. That's why people are harping on your hesitation. You might not see it as hesitation but as an attempt to do this "right" be WE see the hesitation and we have to point it out to WAKE YOU UP.

Your hesitation has let this affair linger on for many months. You mention that you're sensitive. In other words, you don't want to make waves because the emotional intensity that's going to happen if you do will blow you out.

Get over this fear NOW. How many times have you avoided conflict at your own and your families' expense? Decide to stop TODAY.

This may be the gift in this terrible tragedy for you. No matter what happens with your marriage, you can start TODAY to make changes in you that will lead to a better life for yourself and everyone connected to you.

STAND UP FOR YOUR FAMILY, YOUR LIFE AND YOUR DIGNITY TODAY.