OWH does not return my calls. WH and I are spending the holidays separately as a consequence of the fallout of WH affair and his desire to separate two weeks ago. WH has shutdown his secret e-mail account after I e-mailed to OWH a copy of WH's and OW's e-mail exchange from that account two days ago as part of the exposure plan. OWH wanted proof of the A however all of the claims or love, missing each other and terms of endearment were not sufficient for him as I could not provide him with an absolute proof of PA. Now, he claims that PA is a figment of WH imaginatio and his obsession and OWH e-mailed WH from OW's e-mail account admonishing no further contact. I am wondering if at this point OWz's family is trying to save face and dignity in going into a complete denial about PA. It may be a part of their ethnic background.

Or, more simply, OW faked an email from OWH and is intercepting whatever messages you are leaving on the phone. Whose best interest is served, and who has more to gain, by telling you to buzz off? OW or OWH?

Waywards aren't stupid (sometimes).

Is there another means of contacting OWH to hear it straight from him? A work phone?

Which could easily have been authored by OW. You need to speak to him PERSONALLY.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. YOU should be in Plan A. He shouldn't know anything about Plan A or Plan B, or any plan, for that matter.

I will be honest. I chose not to expose early enough to my WH's workplace. He was military and I could have had some very good allies by taking it up the chain of command, but I did not do it with enough time before he left the military so they turned a blind eye to it. Less than a month after he left the military (only a month after exposure to his job), he left me.

Had I exposed far enough, I might not be in this situation. Pressure from work on a man is very influential. Previously in my relationship I had been able to use that pressure to my advantage and I foolishly did not use it this time because I also feared the financial ramifications and ended up losing doublefold. Because now he's not employed by his own choice AND I have no access to finances.

Use the leverage you have. And especially if it is a student/teacher relationship, there will be a LOT of leverage from exposing to his job.

I agree with Hope

The e-mail exchange you have described is entirely inappropriate in a workplace situation.

Q, get the book ASAP and read more about what Plan A and Plan B means. The plans are what YOU do, not what WH does. I think you're being tricked on the emails. Find a way to personally speak to OWH. Do you know where he works? Any mutual friends? You MUST make sure you are dealing with OWH and not OW. Oh, and don't try and educate your WH about MB. He's a wayward and will use it against you. MB is YOUR secret weapon. WH is your enemy. He is NOT your H and has no interest in protecting you.

Be smart and stop discussing your battle strategies with the enemy.

Thank you so much for your support. Today is day 5 post exposure. WH and DS are visiting his father. So far, after e-mails to WH from OWH to stop contacting OW and declaring that she is staying in her marriage, there has been no other contact between WH and her. WH sent me a cordial e-mail yesterday with a description of activities DS is doing while they are traveling. In his e-mail, he addressed me by my first name (for the first time in a couple of years) preceded by "dear."

So far, there has been no fallout from exposure at the place of employment that I know off. But then in academia things progress at snail's pace usually. Plus WH is going to be physically absent from campus for the next 6 weeks so nothing might happen until then.

Q. How do you know this?

Because e-mail is the only way they can contact each other. I checked WH cell phone records and there no calls to her. Previously, he never used his cell phone for any contact with her, so I doubted he would start using it now. Also, he is in the company of his F and DS pretty much 24/7 so there aren't too many opportunities for him to call her. Furthermore, he is like 1,500 miles away from where she is located.

Or am I being naive?

Or a pay-as-you-go phone. Or a separate cell phone on a separate plan. Or a land line. You don't know this, Q. Make sure you're snooping every way you can. Don't assume exposure worked at this point.

Q.
Think about this.

WH refuses to go NC and leaves the home.
WH declares OW to be his cosmic connection.
WH declare that OW is moving in with him.
WH shows no remorse and does not defend you against OW attacks.
WH suddenly starts to be civil toward you.

Do you think WH will be capable of suddenly just going NC with his soulmate because he got a mean e-mail from OWH?

I think the two of them may be laying low until the dust settles.

Don't make the same mistake I did when I let my guard down because WH suddenly became nice again.

Be vigilant. The fight is not over yet. I think you may have a chance of beating this. But you have to be smart. How do you know WH doesn't have a secret e-mail account or secret phone?

You are making good points, Pokeface. I am monitoring all of his computer activity so I am 100% sure there is no secret e-mail account. On Exposure day, he shutdown the secret account that he did set up to communicate with OW while school was not in session. I had to e-mail OWH messages between WH and OW to prove the A. OWH obviously showed it to OW and she communicated to WH that the secret e-mail account is compromised. The subsequent e-mails from OWH to WH were sent to WH's work account.

I have read about plan A and plan B on this website. I am waiting to receive the book. Can you guys give me some pointers based on your experience on how to effectively execute Plan A? I am going to return home and face WH next week. As of now, he is planning to stay home until classes resume in January. It will be difficult for him to maintain any contact with OW while he is home and 200 miles away from campus. My guess is now, when OWH is in the know, he will also be monitoring her. Previously, I neglected to mention that due to the enthnic background of OW and OWH, divorce is considered socially unacceptable and is very rare. Both sets of their parents are aware of the A and my guess is there is enormous pressure on OW to preserve the family's honor.

I think the reason why OWH does not want to contact me is because based on his communications to WH, their position is that WH is obsessed with OW and all my claims of PA are his deranged fantasy. OWH also maintains that I am insane. On exposure day, I told him to get OW's cell phone records and provided him with a list of hotels where WH was staying during the semester and telephone numbers. I also provided a personal detail about OW that would leave no doubt that there was PA. I wonder if OWH is in complete denial, or perhaps the entire family (including their parents) is trying to save face and cling to the version in which WH is deranged and obsessed about OW and there was nothing physical between them. I am seeing a sexual harassment lawsuit brewing here.

My money's on that, especially since he's out of the house and there's been a sudden stop in communication between the two of them.

Give him a few days. If you have a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone, he'll slip.

If/when he comes to your house, watch for him taking his cell to the bathroom, taking frequent trips to the grocery, etc.

No advice on a good Plan A, but there are others that can offer you tips on what to say when he goes into fantasy land with the fogbabble. Typically, you just politely tell them that you're not going to discuss divorce or get dragged into an argument and then walk off. Or offer them a cookie. You get the idea.

Plan A is designed to tip the balance when the WW is forced to make a choice between a life with you which appears more attractive than a life with her Previously in a cake eating situation the B/W supports the affair bubble by providing an interface with life's boring responsibilities.

Now that the bubble is burst the prospect of losing those supports starts to loom large and the prospect of providing those same commodities to an extra person start to become an onerous probability.The OW is no longer an escape from boring reality she is ,instead, becoming a frightening responsibility.

Like a cuckoo in the nest providing for all of her needs is virtually an impossibility.The only way the A can revert to a comfortable level is to go deeper into cake-land

Her family appear to be in total denial and are burying their heads in the sand---- another way of condoning the A.

In my case when a choice had to be made the ow had painted herself into a corner by divorcing her accountant H, making poor financial decisions and living permanently on a different continent.My H had a lot to lose and not much to gain at this stage.He took the easy way out and chose to stay in the M.

So plan A is really to make yourself the most attractive proposition Your H also has a lot to lose and nothing to gain but trouble if he continues to support the A relationship.
In other words you are the asset and she becomes the liability

Good Luck and Best Wishes

Thank you Northwood and Myopia! I have another development today. OWH called me to tell me that he checked OW's cell phone records against the list of the hotels that I provided to him and found nothing. He believes OW who claims that this was only a friendship and WH is imagining that it was a PA. OW primised her H to stop all contact and it appears that she is keeping this promise.

OWH also apologized for calling me "deranged." He asked me to keep him informed about the dates WH will be on campus. Later, he sent me a text asking me for the copy of the e-mails that I previously sent to him, which he apparently deleted.

What is your take on all of this?

Of course she's likely lying. Why would your WH "imagine a PA"?



Now that the shock of hearing that his W might be a WW has worn off, reason is starting to set in. OWH is now curious and wants to investigate more.

BTW - WWs can be VERY sneaky. That the hotels have not shown up on OW's cell phone records does not mean that the OW did not call the hotel. It just means that she did not use her cell phone to do it. It's not uncommon for WWs to have "affair phones" just for that type of contact. If I was you, I'd drop a hint about that to OWH, e.g. "Are you sure that is the ONLY cell phone that she has?". A search in her bag or her car is likely to turn up another.

Thanks, Manin. She doesn't have another cell phone because on exposure day she provided her cell phone number to WH desperately begging him to call her (he refused to use his cell phone for this purpose and she called him at his hotel number later that night). OWH confirmed that this was her number. But, yes, I imagine they are going to be very sneaky from now on. I desperately hope that this A is going to be over, but I guess I must be quite naive.

That could have simply been a ruse to show her H after your WH called that his number does not appear in her cellphone's call history or under any of her contacts stored on the phone.

WWs are usually VERY good at deception. Don't underestimate them.

I think his first emotion was shock and denial, which would have played neatly into the yarn that his WW was telling. And then, after he started getting over that shock, he was able to look at things a little more realistically. He's now seeing the smoking gun.

The reason he didn't find anything on his cell phone bill around those hotel dates is probably because they were together and didn't need to call each other.

This is a truly great development, Q. When the betrayed spouses are working together it truly puts a choke-hold on the A.

Q. Have you read this about the carrot and stick of plan A? here




This cannot be said often enough and applies to WH also. You already know he is capable of looking you in the eye and lying.
Trust only what you can verify.

Great news about OWH.