I am uncertain what I can do at this point.

History, my wife and I met when I was 20, she was 19. We dated for 8 years or so, married 3 years ago.

This summer, she finally got through to me that I wasn't being a great husband. That things needed to change, in fact, she wanted a divorce in September. Saying how she feels I abandoned her sometime over the last years. She noticed it in April, her birthday. How I never did anything with her, took notice of the things going on in her life. And to a point, it's true. A friend of ours told me, without actually saying it, that she was either having an affair, or it was going to happen. I confronted her about, saying I can not accept her seeing or talking to her "friend". She told me that was fair. Only she works with him, so I knew there was no way to completely stop interaction, and I know I was wrong in not being more forceful.

Things come to head after I find text messages and picture mail sent back and forth between then after the Sept. incident. We start counselling in an effort to find and fix the problems. Anyway, skip to now, a few months later.

Things came up that I wasn't doing for her, or for us. In an effort to save my marriage I starting doing all the things to the very best of my ability, chores, expressing feelings, etc. All of this had no effect at all. Nothing I did made things better, they only seemed to make things worse. I believe the affair never really ended as she says it did in the spring. Obviously, with the deleted texts and "friendly, flirty" emails I have read.

So, I've read the books, read the website. In fact, I tried to get her to read the books, but she would not. Saying I never gave her a chance as they were borrowed from the library, even though they were here for 3 weeks.

I find some more things out, that she was going out with other instructors, the "friend" too. I know his name, I have met him. So, I find out who his wife is and send her an email stating they had an affair, which I don't think has ended. And of course, this is the last straw for my wife, it's divorce time. I have since emailed most of her family...of which I have only her sister saying I am being juvenile and vindictive.

I'm not sure what else to do. This will be the first Thanksgiving in my 32 years without a family.

-Crestfallen32

You need to read the materials here. You say you exposed to her family, did you limit it to them? Don't worry so much about the threat of divorce, all WS react angrily to exposure. Exposure is a vital step in killing the affair.

Are the OMs married? You need to inform their wives.

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This summer, she finally got through to me that I wasn't being a great husband. That things needed to change, in fact, she wanted a divorce in September. Saying how she feels I abandoned her sometime over the last years

Did your wife ever tell you about how she felt before this? Ever tell you what emotional needs you weren't meeting and give you an opportunity to change? WS frequently rewrite marital history once they are in an affair, helps them justify what they are doing.

Hi Crestfallen, welcome to Marriage Builders. When you emailed her family did you tell them about the affair? What did the OM's wife say about the affair?

Does the OM have a facebook page?

I have read everything on the site as well. Been reading in the forums for a few days as well. Trying to come up with something.

My family and friends all know, I sent the information to all the family on her side that I had access to. I informed the OM's wife.

She did, and I thought, as well as all my friends, I was doing everything she asked for. Once it was that I wasn't helping around the house enough, so I started doing most of the those. That I wasn't listening to her enough, so I made sure I asked her about her day and listened for a min of 30 minutes. She wanted help cooking as it is one of her passions, so I helped with the cooking every night. She says I never speak about what is upsetting me at any time. So, I gave myself a time limit when I was upset, then tried to tell her about it. Which seemed to only make it worse, as she saw them as me blaming her. Which wasn't the complete truth. I tried to only complain about what was making me upset, not blame. I told her at one point during this, that I wasn't really given a chance to fix the problems she has. And that, in order to fix them, it can't be a one sided, you tell me I instantly fix it. I needed help with what I was doing wrong, and she said "I shouldn't have to tell you." Or something along those lines.

My friends have said it wouldn't have mattered if I was the perfect husband, she doesn't want me anymore. And I am starting to believe that.

The way to stop the interaction would have been to leave that job. That is the only way your marriage will recover. She has to end all contact with the OM if your marriage will recover.

I would also strongly suggest you expose this affair at their workplace. Click on the exposure link in my signature and read the instructions for workplace exposure.

The OM had one at one point, but does not at anymore as I can tell. The OM's wife never responded to me. But the wife was furious about that letter. Saying that the OM's marriage was on a thread and "Their marriage could be over, and we could do anything we wanted. Did you think of that?"

I have tried to contact the OM's wife, but nothing has come back.

I am working on some sort of letter to send to her employer, but feel uncomfortable about doing so. I have asked in one email, whom I would talk to about what I feel is going on. No names or anything, just where I need to go.

-Crestfallen32

The OM had what at one point? I don't understand this sentence.


I suspect the OM intercepted the letter. You need to make sure the OMW knows and you need to confirm this like YESTERDAY even if you have to drive to her house and knock on the door. I would first try calling the house using *67 to disguise your number and see if she answers. Do you know where she works?


This will be a very effective exposure and the main reason you need to do it is because one of them has to leave the job. Their employer may terminate or transfer one of them. Please read my section on workplace exposure and use the letter there.

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she said "I shouldn't have to tell you." Or something along those lines.

Of course not, you should be able to read her mind.

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I told her at one point during this, that I wasn't really given a chance to fix the problems she has. And that, in order to fix them, it can't be a one sided, you tell me I instantly fix it.

You're a young guy, so you probably don't understand this yet, but a lot of women want to be able to just talk to you and have you listen without saying anything, or even worse, trying to fix it. Doing so leads them to believe you aren't really listening. I'll bet if you told her that you didn't realize that she wanted you to just listen without "fixing her problems", she would agree that was what she wanted. Different for us guys, where if you bring up a problem but don't want to hear about a solution, then why did you bring it up? That's just whining to us but vocalizing to them.

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My friends have said it wouldn't have mattered if I was the perfect husband, she doesn't want me anymore. And I am starting to believe that.

Agree here, but this is an end result of her having her affair(s). She is having her affair because you pushed her into it by being an unresponsive terrible husband - that's what she tells herself when the guilt and shame kicks in.

Simply tell her that you are fighting for your marriage and are using every tool available to you to bring that to fruition. Exposure is not vindictive, it is a tool to gather allies to help you kill the affair. Exposure to the OMW is a great source of help, the OM will probably unceremoniously dump your wife when the heat is on at home. Will be a wake-up call for your wife when she realizes her great romance was just this guy using her as some strange.

Keep with it, crestfallen, you're doing well so far. We will help you any way that we can.

The OM had what at one point? I don't understand this sentence.

The OM had a FB page at one time, but no longer has one. I have looked several times.

As far as the work, if she were to be let go, I feel that would be beyond the last straw, hence I am hesitant.

There is no other indication, as in I have no tangible proof that the affair is going on, only that more than one person knows, whom she has told.

I can't shake the feeling that at this point, that anything I do is going to be considered as me being an [censored] and vengeful. Especially if there isn't anything going on. But I can't shake the feeling there is, as in an emotional affair. Just looking for some back up I guess. To know that what I am doing is the right thing to do.

She heard about the letter I sent to her sister, and all she said to me was I should call her mom and get her opinion this morning. I could hear the anger in her words, but she was trying not to sound like she was mad. Makes me wonder if maybe I am wrong.

-Crestfallen32

ammericajin,

All these things have been done and said as you have posted. Especially the listening part. It was, and is hard for me to just listen, but with the MB books and others I have read I understand my failings in this. Among other things. I know I pushed her into an affair. Now.

I have told her many times that I am fighting to save the marriage, but all she says is that she is done trying. That she felt like she was walking on egg shells now knowing how I was going to react to what she did or did not do that day. I also know I handle some of those things poorly, with the wrong idea in my head. Try to fix the problems we both have, instead of doing what she needs and worry about what I think I need at the same time. Though I was trying very hard.

I appreciate all the words of encouragement, it does help.

He might have you blocked. I would log out under your current ID and see if you can see him.


You have already lost your marriage and have nothing to lose at this point. The affair is the last straw and unless you bust up the affair, you are headed to divorce.


So how do you know there is an affair? If there is no proof, how do you know?


Exposure is the right thing IF there is an affair. And anything you do to bust up the affair, if any, will be viewed as you being a "vengeful [censored]." It is like taking the crackpipe away from the crackhead. Does he get furious? Of course. But do you not do it because the crackhead will be angry? Of course not.


Apparently your wife is telling people she is not having an affair and is telling people you are "crazy" and "jealous." Do I have that right? What evidence do you have that there is an affair?

An active wayward is not going to allow you to meet her needs.

And that is impossible to "push" someone into an affair. A person who does not want to have an affair would NEVER do that against their will. She might gaslight you and tell you that you "pushed" her into an affair, but that is just her attempt to blame you.

MelodyLane,

I have logged into my wife's account and looked. He does not have on anymore as far as I can tell.

Proof...well, she told me as much that something had happened. I told her that she could no longer be friends with him. Meaning no contact. She persisted in emails and texts. I found the texts after they had been deleted, so I don't know what they said. I brought this up, and she says she deleted them so I wouldn't get the wrong idea.

Other than that, I can't get any more, as I can't access her phone, and she deletes texts anyway. And her email is a company email. So other than her going out to meet with him and their friends, after saying she wouldn't. And after she told me she wasn't friends with him anymore.

Maybe I am wrong. But I have little in the way of knowing right now, as she wants nothing to do with me.

-Crestfallen32

What did she tell you happened?

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I know I pushed her into an affair. Now.

No, you didn't, that was my point. No one can make anyone have an affair, having an affair is the result of having poor boundaries around the opposite sex. You are responsible for your role in the state of your marriage being less than optimal but the affair is 100% your wife's issue.

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I have told her many times that I am fighting to save the marriage, but all she says is that she is done trying. That she felt like she was walking on egg shells now knowing how I was going to react to what she did or did not do that day.

Can you explain this? Do you yell at your wife or are you verbally abusive? Is this why she says she's walking on egg shells?

Secondly, other than complain about you, what concrete steps has your wife taken to resolve problems in your marriage? Other than having an affair which fixes nothing at all?

She told me she cheated on me in the spring. That is was a one time thing. But, from what a friend has told me, it was later that she was buying dresses to impress this guy, and shoes. That was late June.

Ok, that is evidence of an affair. A confession is evidence. So yes, you do have evidence.

Is your wife still living with you or has she left?

Let me explain to you what is happening right now. You have done a trickle exposure, which is to tell just a few people. Your wife and her OM are in damage control mode and are busily trying to pre=empt you by telling people you are crazy. They are frantic and have no plan. But you can act strategically and calmly and get the word out there. For example, you should call her mother. Tell her that you know about the affair because your wife admitted this to you. You have asked her several times to cease contact with his man and she has refused. She continues to text and email him on a daily basis.

Ask her to use her influence to persuade her daughter to end her affair. ASK FOR HER HELP.

Then you need to get to the OM's wife TODAY and tell her that your wife admitted the affair to you this summer and that contact continues to this day.

Go on the workplace website and find the email addresses for key targets and send them the template letter on my Exposure 101 thread. You don't have to have proof to do this. You can just say your wife admitted to this affair and that you know that contact continues to this day. They can check their work emails.

Do you have access to your wife's cell phone bill?