I am posting an edited version of a letter I wrote to POSOM during my journaling period. Of course, the letter was never intended for delivery; that would be a breach of NC. This was written to clarify a lot of my thoughts and feelings. When I brought this out after parking it for a few months, I realized there are a lot of lessons in here that may be of use to people that find their way to the Marriage Builders forum.

Here are some key takeaways:

To the BS
1) If you feel something is wrong, trust your instincts and aggressively pursue answers.
2) Don�t underestimate how deceitful and persistent Waywards can be. My wife was under fairly close observation and managed to sneak in a night with POSOM by changing a return flight during a trip.
3) Take charge of the situation. The ultimate outcome of the Wayward�s relationship as portrayed in this letter would probably only be possible by the type of aggressive exposure encouraged every day on this web site. Left to their own devices, unimpeded by exposure, and facilitated by waffling wallflowers, Waywards may spend years propping up their fantasy life. When you take the initiative, you control the time, place and conditions of battle. How can you possibly deny yourself such a position of advantage?

To the WS
1) You are emotionally blind and devoid of all reason. Your BS isn�t nearly as bad as you�re making him/her out to be, and your AP isn�t nearly as good.
2) You�re playing a fool�s desperate odds: should you continue in your Wayward path, your best-case outcome is still going to be very bad for everyone.
3) No matter how slick you think you are, you WILL be caught.

To the AP, a single point
1) You aren�t worthy of my wisdom or energies. I am perfectly content to watch you wallow in the loneliness and misery that inevitably befalls those of low moral character. (No, �content� is not the word I�m looking for. �Enjoy.� That�s more like it. �I will ENJOY watching you wallow . . .� Yep. That�s the message I�d like to convey.)

Following is the letter I wrote, edited to remove personally-identifiable information.

(Names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

Steve,

I don�t blame you for wanting my life. When I look at how I�ve been blessed, what Sally and I have built together, I understand how you would want the same for yourself.

Your early assessment of my wife is right on target: she�s smart, she�s beautiful, she�s sexy, she�s a wonderful mother; a favorite daughter; an honored daughter-in-law; a cherished sister; a wise, loving friend. She�s Aquarius � The Water Carrier: she brings life and nourishes those for whom she cares, and the scope of her caring is wide and deep.

The problem is that Sally is a married woman. She was off-limits to you and you knew it. What you didn�t know was what you were up against when it came to your persistent pursuit of my wife. Were it not for the fact that you are now forever marked as a mortal enemy to me and my family, I would probably pity your ignorance: ignorance manifest in a futile attempt to take from someone else what you have no capacity to build for yourself.

It�s precisely because you�re the kind of man who thinks you can take another man�s life that you can�t build a fulfilling one for yourself. The fact that you�ve reached your current age and that still escapes you doesn�t bode well for your future. You�re at a loss to explain why others are so happy, yet you just can�t seem to get it right despite your best efforts. I�m sure you�re watching those around you enjoy what you believe is your birthright and can�t understand just why you don�t have what you �deserve.�

Fact is, Steve, we all get what we deserve.

I warned Sally in general terms for over two years, then finally confronted her about her relationship with you . I thought she would be jolted into reality by my confrontation; I didn�t realize the emotional hooks were already set so deeply, that, with your guidance, she would just implement measures to take your relationship further underground. It made it more difficult for me, but following that confrontation, I felt you in the middle of my marriage stronger than ever.

I blew it, though. In the excruciating period of time surrounding the illness and death of Sally�s father, I dropped my guard. This is the point where you won a major battle by getting my wife to spend the night with you; you made the mistaken assumption that you�d won the war.

You severely underestimated me; both of you underestimated me.

Once we got over the initial emotional wave of the passing of Sally�s father, I set about in earnest to re-establish the emotional connection with my wife that we had earlier shared. Something was wrong, though. She didn�t respond. I tried to show more kindness, care, and be observant of her needs. She became increasingly resistant. The more I tried to meet her needs, the more she raised the bar, pushing me away more aggressively, escalating confrontations unnecessarily and nonsensically. At this stage, I knew logically that she was involved with another man. Emotionally, I was still hanging on. I was still entertaining the thought that I was blowing all this out of proportion, that I was still dealing with the resonance of her father�s passing. Rationally, though, there was no other explanation except that she was involved with someone else and I had become �the bad guy.� My suspicions were heightened. You were suspect number one.

In the months leading up to the annual manager�s meeting, Sally had gone from being observed to having every action, every word, dissected and analyzed. Her behavior was under a microscope. You both had been so careful. What happened? How could I know?

For quite a while, there was no smoking gun; there was no physical evidence. Since Sally and I had an emotional connection, I felt her separating from me. I felt the walls; I felt the barriers. I was very cognizant of how she had begun to treat me: casting aspersions, assigning motivations, twisting my words � all to establish, in her mind�s eye, an image of me that would justify what she was doing. She was emotionally blind, unaware of the red flags she was waving in my face. I was keenly aware of the breakdown of our emotional connection, watched with growing concern as her behavior became more out-of-the-ordinary, and had a strong suspicion about why it was occurring.

After logging significant circumstantial evidence, I finally confronted Sally with irrefutable evidence that she planned to meet her lover on her upcoming business trip. This signaled the opening of my counter-offensive. Once I went on the offensive, there could only be one conclusion, Steve: you were done.

I�ll credit you this: in the time you were her �friend,� you certainly made an impact on my wife. Prior to meeting you, she was attentive to me and tried hard to balance her work and her personal life. When Sally was with you, she saw in your eyes a reflection of her best qualities, and it drew her like a moth to a flame. The deceit, the hard-heartedness, the cold emotional withdrawal, all the ugliness she brought into our relationship? That was her reflection of you. Your influence turned her into a sneaky, deceitful caricature of her former self. That�s your mark, your legacy.

Once I confronted her on her infidelity, you would�ve been proud of Sally. While you cowered and left the woman you presumably loved to answer, alone, for your transgressions, she spun a fantastic web of lies to protect your identity. She did everything in her power to throw me off of your scent. She didn�t know I had been watching. She didn�t know how persistent I can be. She didn�t know that, deep down, I already knew the truth and that the hounds of hell couldn�t keep me from exposing it.

She thought that, like always, I would take her at her word. No way; not this time!

Funny thing about infidelity. It�s always built on lies. Many of the things Sally told you about me were fabricated, exaggerated, or orchestrated to justify occupying, with you, the filthy bed she made for herself. The way you presented yourself as her company guide, her confidante, the quiet, brooding gentleman, innocent victim of love, is also an egregious exaggeration. A lie for the ages.

I asked Sally some simple questions: �If Steve is as great as you portray him to be, why is it that he has never been married? Why does he have no history of serious, committed relationships? If he is such a catch, why aren�t women lining up to date him?� She just regurgitated the sob-stories you fed her. However, sooner or later, it will dawn on her what I�ve known for most of the last four years: you are a psychological train wreck. You�re a freeloader who aspires, at most, to be a renter, terrified by the prospect of being a buyer. You�re a taker, totally driven by your selfish interests, with no regard to how your singular pursuit of self-gratification is a destructive force to those around you. All of this is hidden behind that company flag you�re wrapped in � the flag you used to draw my wife�s attention and establish that initial, rudimentary emotional connection. Once you had her captivated, you used that flag like a screen, a curtain. And, just like in The Wizard of Oz, behind the curtain you were furiously throwing levers to manipulate Sally and blind her to the truth of what a sad, disconnected little man you really are.

I heard the spiel you gave her about company requirements. After training with you, she told me about expectations: the long hours, dedication, commitment, the sacrifice of family time. Company expectations, or Steve�s? Within two months of her new employment, you had already set the first bait to draw Sally�s mind and heart away from her family and toward her job. And you.

She fell for it � hook, line and sinker.

You fooled Sally completely. You didn�t fool me, though. I know your kind: the company is your kingdom. You have grand plans for using the company to reach the stature you seek. Everything within the company is, by rights, yours to use for the purpose of advancement � including the women who work there. As smart and driven as she is, Sally would be a big boost to your career; and if Sally was unencumbered by burdensome family commitments, you could do far more for her, right?

What a man of moral conscience can see that, to you, is as elusive as time travel, is this simple truth: the only thing you could�ve ever done for Sally is destroy her.

Your �relationship� with Sally was built on pure fantasy. Whenever she worked with you, she was relieved of her household responsibilities, her children, and all those mundane things that drag at life like an anchor. You were an escape for her.

Likewise, she only saw you at your best. She was mesmerized by the mirage of power, success, and romance projected by the company wizard. In reality, like a sparrow under the hypnotizing gaze of a serpent, she was captivated by the show, frozen, unable to escape while the purveyor of her fate, that wicked little man behind the curtain, executed the plan that would end in her demise.

I�m sure you entertained thoughts of you two becoming a couple once you wedged yourself between us. Let me tell you how it would�ve turned out:

Upon choosing to pursue a life with you, Sally would�ve destroyed our family. It�s doubtful that she could�ve ever had a normalized relationship with her children, as they would always hold her personally responsible for her betrayal of the family. You would never be accepted into their lives; they could never respect you knowing you broke up their family. They would hate you for life.

Sally�s relationship with her family would suffer and you would never be accepted. You would be the poster-child for the pain and shame brought on her family by your infidelity. Every time you were around them, you would feel their disapproval as palpable.

After the initial emotional high wore off, Sally would wake up one day and suddenly feel the horror in what she�d done. She�d realize just what she�d thrown away to pursue a hopeless fantasy with you. No longer an escape for her, she would feel a desperate need to escape you. She�d look around at the devastation in her life, her career, the changes in her life-long relationships, look over at the man that just yesterday was The Wizard, but today is just a weasel, and be overcome with regret and self-doubt. The curtain would be shredded; you would finally be exposed. And she would hate you � with a white-hot burning passion that couldn�t be quenched with oceans.

As for you, the novelty would wear off much more quickly. Though you thought teaming up with Sally would catapult your careers, you�d too late realize that it had exactly the opposite effect. What little trust you might now hold in your peer group would be lost. You�d feel the loss of respect from your superiors, and be painfully aware of the malicious gossip among your peers and subordinates. The general lack of acceptance with Sally�s friends and family would sober you rapidly. You�d start to look critically at the signs of aging in a woman nearly 10 years your senior and those little idiosyncrasies you never knew about her would start to weigh on and annoy you. You would be looking for relief long before Sally woke up to reality -- and you would find it, probably in the arms of some young thing you ran across at work.

Yes, Sally would have to learn, the hard way, that most-basic of infidelity�s lessons: what you did with her, you�ll do to her. You lied and cheated your way into a relationship with Sally, and you�d lie and cheat your way out of it.

How do I know all this? What I describe above is the fate of probably 80% of relationships borne out of marital infidelity. When reality invades a relationship built on fantasy, it�s like a collision between matter and anti-matter: total destruction. What I�m writing is the stark truth. Google it.

Just in case you�re holding out hope, you can forget it. Sally and I will remain a couple for life. I�ve learned a lot about marital infidelity over the years and understand the psychological, as well as the physiological, aspects of it. Whether or not she slept with you is moot. The emotional connection was the element that endangered our marriage. The thing that nearly ended us after all was her continued lying in trying to protect you and her secrets.

I�ve learned my lessons: the love I have for my wife will never again be placed under a bushel for safe-keeping. It will be given freely, without expectation, as it�s meant to be. No intervention by even the slickest snake-in-the-woodpile will be sufficient to make her doubt my love and commitment. You knowingly, persistently, and with prejudice, attacked our weak flank, but all you managed to do is highlight our weaknesses, which will now be reformed to make our marriage impregnable to even the likes of you.

As Sally�s mind continues to clear, I think she�s beginning to understand some basic truths that had escaped her attention and, coupled with her lack of effective boundaries, left her vulnerable and in terrible danger: a man who will persistently pursue another man�s wife is not a good man, and a �friend� who will knowingly and willingly destroy your family is no friend at all, but an enemy of the worst kind. As these realities settle in with her, I pray that Sally reaches the point that she shudders in disgust when she thinks of you.

While I know I still have some emotional hurdles to cross, I forgive Sally. She is making restitution by working with me to build our new marriage into a much stronger union. That�s all I ask of her.

Forgiveness for you? That would ascribe to you a level reserved for humanity: beings that respect themselves and others, and that can be trusted to operate, at large, within a society � a level you have not obtained. Instead, you occupy the same level of consideration as vipers, scorpions, venomous spiders and all other manner of creatures that prowl the night or wait in ambush for their prey. I am indifferent to the reasons, so offer no atonement for their acting within character, I simply take appropriate security measures. No more than I will tolerate such creatures in proximity to, and threatening the safety, health, and security of my family, will I tolerate you.

I love my wife dearly, but she certainly has some bad habits � for instance, Sally has a bad habit of picking up stray dogs.

This last one she picked up was a bad one; one that didn�t have the capacity to understand pack rules and hierarchy. This dog literally placed the survival of our family in jeopardy. This one consistently went out of his way to sh*t in my yard. Since Sally brought him into our lives, I expected her to clean up his mess, but this dog was particularly endearing to her. She couldn�t bring herself to get rid of him, though I told her he was dangerous, so she hid him from me and he just kept sh*tting in my yard. She kept the dog around and allowed his sh*t to build up until, inevitably, she stepped in it and tracked it throughout our home.

Covered in excrement, she finally got the message and got rid of the dog; she accepted that it was a bad one and had to go.

Meanwhile, we have an incredible mess to clean up in our home. Old fixtures are being replaced. The windows are open, the horrific odor is nearly dispersed, and after some scrubbing, all we�ll have is some stains on the floor to remind us about that bad dog. Before long, our renovations will be complete and the home�s structure will be stronger than ever. As we settle into our new abode, there will come a time when we won�t even think about that dog anymore.

If you don�t learn how to live with the pack, Steve, if you don�t learn to respect others, if you don�t learn that you can�t take another man�s family and transpose yourself into his place without killing that which you profess to love, then you�ll forever be a stray and a bad dog. You�ll squander your life eating scraps from others� garbage and spend long, cold nights aimlessly slinking through the shadows with no place to turn for companionship or warmth. Eventually, you�ll wind up as a run-over carcass on the side of the road or a huddled, worm-ridden mass decaying, unseen and unknown, in some dark alley.

Ultimately, Steve, we all get what we deserve.

love it! thanks owh! have a good thanksgiving too!

Thank..you..for..sharing..this..information.

Really, this speaks well of you.

Thanks to all of you!

As for "speaking well of me," I don't know about that.

This whole experience has driven me to make changes in my life that have been needed since I was a child. Dealing in a healthy way with feelings and emotions are two of the biggest areas needing improvement. Actually understanding and offering forgiveness is a very big third. Forgiveness is something that's not been in my repertoire -- ever, that I can remember.

In my studies of forgiveness, in the truest sense, I should be seeking a path that will lead me to forgiveness for the interloper in my marriage, the "Steve" character in my letter. This is something I can't bring myself to do. It's something I'm not even interested in trying. Somehow, the feelings of anger and withholding forgiveness remain a comfort for me. In my view, I guess this doesn't speak well of me at all and shows I still have a lot of work to do.

I'll keep plugging away at it. Meanwhile, thanks for your moral support!