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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
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Posts: 299 |
I label H as W because I am not satisfied that he is being Honest & Open when I ask him pertinent questions about:
1. Past/current porn use
2. Past/current illicit relationships w/women and/or men
3. H's refusal to address my withdrawn/isolated behavior toward him
4. The difference between "Making Love" and "Making Sex"
Dr. H is right about H&O...
I CAN handle knowing TRUTH...
I CANNOT handle LIES/DECEPTION...
Thoughts/Advice?
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
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Love,
What is the back story to #3?
I agree, if there is no H&O, there is a increased chance of wayward behavior.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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[
2. Past/current illicit relationships w/women and/or men I would be scheduling a polygraph in addition to slapping a keylogger on his computer.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299 |
Love,
What is the back story to #3?
I agree, if there is no H&O, there is a increased chance of wayward behavior.
Happy Thanksgiving. 3. H's refusal to address my withdrawn/isolated behavior toward him
In the past, he would ask me if I needed to talk about 'it'.
That was before January, 2010.
Since January, 2010 (when I discovered him using online porn), I have questioned him to death about "why" he went there. The reasons/excuses he has given me have not satisfied me because he rationalizes/justifies using it based on "me" not meeting his needs for SF...
Therefore, I have become ambivalent toward him, which has lead to withdrawing/isolating myself from him.
My asking him probing questions makes him feel uncomfortable.
When he feels uncomfortable, he becomes angry/defensive/accusatory because I have not "forgiven" him, nor have I "forgotten" the issue of his porn use.
Therefore, he reminds me that I have not forgiven/forgotten the offense he committed toward me.
In my heart of hearts, I continue to feel a wall between us that is impenetrable.
H thinks it is because I have not forgiven/forgotten...
H says that he was "cured" of porn when I caught him using it.
Therefore, he is free from guilt & shame.
Therefore, I need to accept his apologies, truly forgive him for past sin, and concentrate on the future.
What is it that is keeping me from "letting go" of this issue?
BTW ~ Happy Thanksgiving!
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
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[
2. Past/current illicit relationships w/women and/or men I would scheduling a polygraph in addition to slapping a keylogger on his computer.
H knows about this forum because I asked him to read my initial thread back in September, 2010.
I was hoping that he would be interested in where I was and the counsel I was receiving...
It did not interest him to the point where we could talk about my situation.
Having said that, H knows about "snooping".
I think he has installed software that prevents keylogger software from being installed on his computer.
The only option I have, really, is a poly...
A few months ago he said that he would take one...
I just need to pull myself up by the proverbial Texas Bootstraps and schedule it...
BTW ~ H started a thread on MB and posted one time...
You, dear ML, were the only person to send him a reply...
He must have gotten cold feet about divulging information that caused him to post because he did not answer your question.
Thank you for being the "one" who took the time to reply to his post. (That was waaaaaaaay back in October, 2010!)
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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LIC, if he has stopped his porn use, I would stop badgering him about it. Bringing up problems up the past is an enemy of good conversation.
The biggest problem I see in your list is "illicit relationships" with others. What is that supposed to mean? Has he had affairs? What is the deal there?
And do you have a keylogger on his computer?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
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LIC, if he has stopped his porn use, I would stop badgering him about it. Bringing up problems up the past is an enemy of good conversation.
The biggest problem I see in your list is "illicit relationships" with others. What is that supposed to mean? Has he had affairs? What is the deal there?
And do you have a keylogger on his computer?
I do not know if H has stopped using porn because he erases his web/computer history ~OR~ He may use "Private Browsing".
I know you are right about me needing to stop badgering him about it in order to not LB him.
To me, "Good Conversation" would be me being allowed to visit the concerns/questions I still have without being met with anger & defensiveness.
When I am met with his scorn, I see red flags.
I do not understand why he refuses to come alongside me in my confusion & pain by demonstrating compassion in order for me to come back to him emotionally.
Honestly, ML, I have not felt validated since January, 2010...
Maybe I do not need validation when I am confused or hurting.
Please tell me that is the case!
If it is, and, coming from you, I will accept it as MB Gospel!
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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Joined: Apr 2001
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ML ~
I do not know if H has stopped using porn because he erases his web/computer history ~OR~ He may use "Private Browsing". This is where you should start. Install a keylogger and find out what he is doing. I know you are right about me needing to stop badgering him about it in order to not LB him.
To me, "Good Conversation" would be me being allowed to visit the concerns/questions I still have without being met with anger & defensiveness.
When I am met with his scorn, I see red flags. That is not good conversation. Bringing up problems of the past is a lovebuster. I do not understand why he refuses to come alongside me in my confusion & pain by demonstrating compassion in order for me to come back to him emotionally. Part of the problem is continually bringing up problems of the past. Unless he is still doing this stuff, it should not be brought up. However, if he is lying to you about pertinent facts, that needs to be resolved with a polygraph so you can move on. And I do mean pertinent FACTS, not questions about "why;" they don't understand WHY. Honestly, ML, I have not felt validated since January, 2010...
Maybe I do not need validation when I am confused or hurting. Actually, I don't know what that means to be "validated" and how it is relevant. LIC, slap a keylogger on his computer, schedule a polygraph if there are unanswered questions about FACTS and start using the program!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you, ML ~
Your advice/encouragement is ALWAYS much appreciated!
Since finding MB, I have learned, albeit the hard way, to trust your counsel!
Your wisdom is, well, W-I-S-E!
Thank you again...
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Thank you, LIC! And good luck!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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