Hi, I am 32, been married for 11 years. Found about about A in January. OW works with my dad

After 6 weeks he broke it off.

does this mean NC letter?

It had been exposed to my family, his family, and OW family. I do not believe they are seeing each other.

I go through all of his cell phone and emails, and I have done gps.

Have you done keylogger, VARs searched for secret affair phone?

She was married, but divorced last December planning to marry my spouse.

Have you exposed to her ex h and kids?

I do have trouble wondering what he is doing, as he has a 24 hour work schedule. He is gone 24 and home 48. He also works a 2nd job, which has 12 hour shifts. His 2nd job has lots of down time, and he could be going anywhere.

This is unacceptable. He should be making himself totally transparent and if his job prevents that, he should quit. It also leaves you with no UA time together. What is he willing to do about it?

He does tell our therapist he loves me.

Anything he says is totally irrelevant. What is he DOING?


What advice do you have for really doing Plan A? What do you tell yourself after 1 week and there is no change or response from spouse?

You Plan A for a max of three weeks and then go into Plan B. Plan A includes insisting he make himself trustworthy to you, writes an NC letter and agrees to work the MB programme - which includes spending UA time with you - 25 hours a week.

Hi, I am 32, been married for 11 years. Found about about A in January. OW works with my dad and goes to my church. My spouse did not want to leave her at first, but agreed to go to counseling. After 6 weeks he broke it off. It had been exposed to my family, his family, and OW family. I do not believe they are seeing each other. I have my dad at work, her parents talk to me at church, I go through all of his cell phone and emails, and I have done gps. She was married, but divorced last December planning to marry my spouse. He didn't cooperate,, which I am grateful for. I do have trouble wondering what he is doing, as he has a 24 hour work schedule. He is gone 24 and home 48. He also works a 2nd job, which has 12 hour shifts. His 2nd job has lots of down time, and he could be going anywhere. I have 3 kids at home, so I can't load them up and follow him all the time. I have done it a few times. I really feel he just quit our marriage when he started the affair and cant feel for me anymore. He does tell our therapist he loves me.
How do you do Plan A? I read about it, but how do I not get emotional? My spouse hates it when I cry and he shuts down. By doing Plan A, I feel I shouldn't cry but it hurts when he is not interested. We saw a counselor from Jan to June, but it did not help at all. Now I know why, he was trying to resolve our conflict. We just started a new therapist 3 weeks ago. We are going once a week, but spouse does nothing she tells us. He goes, but is not emotionally involved at all. I don't know what else to do. I have tried to change everything around, but I have always stated my feelings and cried. I went back to college at his request, I keep the house the way he likes it, and I did apologize for all my awful behavior over the last 11 years. He refuses to accept any of that, and keeps telling me it is just impossible to work out our marriage. At the same time, he won't leave so I have some hope.
What advice do you have for really doing Plan A? What do you tell yourself after 1 week and there is no change or response from spouse?

Thanks!

Our new counselor does follow these principals. She talked to us about love tanks, and assigned us to try to do 3 nice things each day for right now.

He has 3 days off a week usually, is this not enough time? He would not be willing to quit his job and sell the house.

I thought plan A meant I try to fill up his love tank without him having to do anything??

Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

I did apologize for all my awful behavior over the last 11 years.

It had been exposed to my family, his family, and OW family.

Found about about A in January.

keeps telling me it is just impossible to work out our marriage

By doing Plan A, I feel I shouldn't cry but it hurts when he is not interested.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.


Plan A is often misunderstood as "acting nice"

excuse me acting "nice' in the face of an affair makes me want to puke

Plan A is taking control of one's self ...it is NOT "acting nice" ~as if~ there was no infidelity eating away at your family .... infidelity hurts like battery acid poured on your skin

am I right?

heII yes I am right

so you scared and panicky betrayed ~~~> SPEAK UP

tell the truth

"This affair hurts me. This affair is going to destroy our family. Let's get help."

If your spouse does something really thoughtless ... SPEAK UP.

"What you just said (did) hurts me terribly."

"I feel wounded by your affair."

"My heart aches for the love we used to share."

But be careful ... don't get needy or whiney or weepy ... those are love-busters

it's a fine line between telling the truth about what hurts ... and staying away from LB behaviors

ASK for help from the board

if you are unsure if what you are doing is correct... examine how much self control you have at any given moment ... and if you are feeling in control of yourself ... you are probably right on the money !

if you feel yourself losing control ... step away and re-group

Also, I would get some spyware on his phone that has a built in GPS. You can get eblaster [spectorpro.com] or flexispy at flexispy.com.