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#25681 10/31/99 12:05 PM
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Nellie1 Offline OP
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This morning I received a series of emails from my H. I have been homeschooling the kids for years, apparently with his support. In one email, he questioned one child's academic progress, and our preschoolers speech development (she is in speech therapy). Never once while he was living here did he question anything academic, nor did he even inquire about it, nor did he seemed particularly concerned about our youngest's speech, even when I was. In another email he presented his settlement proposal in which he was vague as to child support, since the guidelines in our state do not apply above three children or an income level which he exceeds, and he wants to be able to take the deductions and child credits for all the children forever. He did not mention a word about who would be paying for college. He usually sends his nastiest emails when he at her house, rather than at work, and this was no exception. And to top it off, I had asked him to take a few hours off to take care of the younger kids while I went to pick up our daughter for college, and in the final email he said he "could not take more time off from work" and I should make other arrangements. <P>I know you are going to say to get a good lawyer, but it is not so much the financial arrangements that I am concerned about, and after all no matter how much I spend on a lawyer he (actually probably the OW) can afford to spend more. I am more concerned with his cruelty - not only does he want to hurt me, but apparently he does not care about his children either - I will have to take them for an 8 hour drive in November, and again at Christmas.

#25682 10/31/99 12:58 PM
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Nellie-first I have several questions to pose to you. #1 is that have you even looked into an attorney. Some states make it so that he would have to pay for attorney fees, ultimately she will probably have to help him cover the costs of paying for the divorce, should you actually go that route. <BR>He sounds somewhat insecure about things. He is questioning your schooling maybe to have some kind of conversation with you or maybe to reassure himself he is looking out for the interests of his children. Sometimes when people feel guilty or feel as though they are not doing enough for their children they become more demanding as if that will make things better. I don't know for sure if this is his thought process but from what you said it sounds like this might be his motivation.<BR>Another way to answer to his "find another way" is to ask him to provide you with the funds it would take to have your college daughter fly or bus, train, whatever home. The quickest way to point out to him that if he wants you to take care of it in another way you are willing to do so but that both of you need to make sure she gets home! Tell him that you can not take the children on an 8 hour trip so therefore he will have to either dole out the money or give up some of his time. Then maybe he will see things in a different light.<BR>Either way my suggestion to you is to go get an attorney. Even if it isn't your wish to have a divorce you need to have the legal advice to protect your rights. Since you homeschool and do some major care taking of BOTH you and your husbands children the courts may look at it as if the attorney fees should be paid by the husband. Plus, do not agree to anything unless the attorney has looked things over and advised you of the true rights according to your state. Get a "shark Lady" as someone else on this site has done. Even though she isn't looking for the divorce, it has helped her get back together at times with her husband. Good Luck and God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

#25683 11/01/99 01:21 AM
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Nellie1 Offline OP
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chicks,<BR>Thanks for your response. The attorney I hired to respond to the initial divorce complaint claimed that judges in our county rarely make the plaintiff pay the defendant's lawyer's fees. Of course he also said that if he had been my H's lawyer, when my H wanted to speed up the divorce he would have had him file on mental cruelty grounds - at that point I realized that honesty was not one of that lawyer's characteristics. <P>I suspect that the sl** is the one who is pushing him to inquire about the children's academics, because they aren't following the same path as her kids apparently did. I think she is ashamed of the two little ones - one who doesn't speak well, and the other who would probably be diagnosed with ADHD/ODD is she were in school.<P>I don't think he gives a d*** whether our 17 year old comes home for Thanksgiving or not, since she won't talk to him. I also suspect the OW has forbidden him from taking care of the children in our home.

#25684 10/31/99 02:27 PM
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Nellie:<P>I'm sorry you are faced with such "ugly" problems. My H hasn't been back since my phone call to Mia at her office. I know this is the beginning of the process of filing for divorce for me - a decision that we actually talked about for sometime now, but I believe neither one of us wanted to make the first move. <P>Please don't take offense to what I'm going to say. That man you're married to just doesn't seem worth any of your emotional time or effort. Look how long I've been pineing away for my H to "get over" Mia and he won't. I don't help the situation any either by the way I treat him, but geez....how much can one person take? You seem like a very warm and caring woman. He seems to not want anything to do with rebuilding a marriage anymore than my H does. I say to heck with him!

#25685 10/31/99 06:10 PM
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Nellie1 Offline OP
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Tired Lady,<P>I have come to the conclusion that it makes no difference how the betrayed treats the betrayer They will project feelings of anger where there is none. A couple of months ago my H started yelling at me while we were discussing our daughter's refusal to have anything to do with him. I asked him why he was yelling at me, and he claimed I was angry at him, when I had given him no reason to think that (later attested to by several of our children who were nearby).


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