This is probably going to be super-lengthy, but I would really appreciate a response on this.

My wife (we'll call her A) and I were married January, 2007. We were divorced February, 2011. There's so much story to tell in those four years, though.

She and I were together for 5 months before I proposed to her on June 19th, 2006. We were happily in love, though our relationship had a few minor problems. I couldn't be happier with her, and the feeling seemed mutual. In November, 2006, I began training a co-worker (we'll call her B) on management calls (I worked at a call center). We hit it off as friends, and for the first time in my relationship, I was doubting myself. I never had any relations with B, but I did tell A that I was having second thoughts, and that broke her heart. However, after thinking about it and being away from A for a few days, I knew in my heart that it was A that I truly loved. We got married a few short weeks after the emotional affair I had.

B, on the other hand, wasn't so kind. She would insult A constantly (not directly to her, but would email me, and I'd tell A about it), and it came to the point where A told me not to have any more contact with B. While I said that B was a great friend, A said that B was trying to destroy us and that a good friend wouldn't insult your spouse. I agreed, and ultimately told B I couldn't be her friend anymore.

That was, of course, until B contacted me again (for what reason, I can't remember). I started talking to her again, but kept it a secret from A until one day, I couldn't keep it a secret anymore and told her. A was upset, but she forgave me, once again asking me not to contact B. I complied, until again, we ran into each other. It was wash, rinse, repeat. Eventually, I stopped talking to B altogether... but A had a certain level of distrust because I had lied to her several times.

In November, 2007, our first son was born. It was such a wonderful time for us, even though we were fighting and she had moved out to her mother's house (we weren't considering ourselves separated, just trying to work things out). At first, I was there every single day, helping out and whatnot. Then I started slacking off, showing up every few days to help out. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there; it was because I was working hard and so very tired. It didn't occur to me that she was extremely tired, taking care of a newborn. I became selfish with my time and energy.

A and I would email back and forth about how she was feeling, and what she felt was lacking in the marriage. Four months after our first son was born, we found out she was pregnant again. It was a good time and bad time for us both; we were still healing from emotional battles with each other, but we still loved each other very much. I began working on the things she told me in those emails, and I thought I had mastered one when in reality, I had added two more things to the list. I just couldn't seem to get things right. She did see improvement in me, however, which is why the marriage stayed alive.

Fast forward to November, 2009. We were once again living with each other, both under her mom's roof in her new house. A was pregnant with our third child, but she showed signs of miscarriage. I was desperately trying to find a job, and it seemed that she took a back seat to my search. One particular morning, I told her I was taking off to the library to look for work (we didn't have internet set up at the house yet) and to return a library book. She was lying in bed, and our two children were in the room playing. She asked me to stay and help with the boys because she wasn't feeling well at all (again, part of the miscarriage she was going through). Being my selfish self, I told her that I really wanted to go to the library and get a job because it was straining our finances not to have one. She got upset, saying that she's tired of my selfishness and that she's just going to file for divorce. Something inside me flipped that day. Please note, before reading the next few lines, that this is the first time I'd ever done anything like this with A. I've had anger issues in the past, and thought I had gotten them taken care of, but as you'll see, I had issues still to work out.

I started out by yelling at her, desperate to keep our marriage alive. I kicked over laundry baskets, threw things around. In an act of desperation, I grabbed a folding knife and held it to my stomach, threatening to plunge it in if she wanted a divorce so badly. She ordered me to get out, told me to leave the keys for the house and not come back. Told me to go ahead and take her car, but she didn't want me there anymore. I grabbed a few things and left, bawling my eyes out as I drove to my former apartment that I had leased until the end of that month.

Part of my frustration was anger for myself. My mother-in-law just paid $400 two days before to keep me from going to jail over an unpaid speeding ticket. I wasn't happy with that, and it showed. Not an excuse, but I was already in a fragile state at that time.

Over the next few weeks, I tried to convince A to take me back. I immediately sought therapy for myself, wanting to make sure nothing like that ever happened again. A was adamant that she was done with our marriage, but she remained "friendly" towards me, wanting to make sure that I got out okay. She helped me get set up to go to college so that I would have a place to live and whatnot. I got everything set up, and I was off to college. This took place over a month and a half.

During this time, I had contacted B again because I really needed a friend, and B was happy to be there for me. Out of frustration, I didn't last a week in college (financial aid was late in getting to me, and I just didn't have the energy at the time). Eventually, I moved in with B the second week of January, 2010. Backing up a bit, in December, 2009, A informed me that the miscarriage never took, and that she was still pregnant with our third child. Our belief is that she was pregnant with twins, and miscarried one of them, though we'll never know for sure.

After I had moved in with B, A and I started talking more and more, and she confided in me that she made a mistake, and that she wanted to be back with me. I tried to fight it off because I was trying to move on, but after days of me denying her request to reconcile, I confided in her that I truly wanted to be back with her as well. So, we worked things out. Her mother wouldn't allow me to live with them anymore, but she did help set me up in a motel room while I looked for a job. A came to visit me, and things were going great! She even accepted B as a friend this time, and I thought that for once, this marriage was going to work out. She bought "Lovebusters" and introduced me to this site, and we were communicating.

Then, in March, 2010, she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. Nothing (that I know of) had happened to lead her to that. We were still going great, and things were working out. However, her reason was that she couldn't trust me not to fly off the handle and physically hurt HER or the boys, despite the fact that I had never raised a fist at her, period. She said she was afraid, and couldn't take that risk anymore. As a result, her mother was going to stop supporting me and enabling me while I continued my search for a job.

In April, 2010, I was forced to move back home (from Arkansas to California). I got to see my children for 5 minutes apiece before I had to leave. A wouldn't even come out to talk to me, to wish me well, or anything.

That was the last I have seen of any of them. I emailed A constantly, trying to convince her to let us work things out, but those grew old quickly, and her responses were more and more scarce. I tried to get updates on my children, pictures, what was going on, but she refused to give me anything. In July, 2010, our third son was born, and she was courteous enough to provide me with a pic. In October, 2010, she informed me she was filing for divorce, and would appreciate me signing the papers uncontested. I fought with her for a while on it, tried to convince her again that things would work out. It was all for naught, and I eventually signed the papers in January, 2011, with the divorce finalizing in February.

Fast forward to present day. Nearly two years after the fact, I'm still deeply in love with my ex-wife. It's my suspicion that the reason she doesn't talk to me anymore is because she's still in love with me, but she's trying to move on. I've all but convinced myself that if she could just see me now, she'd realize what a mistake it was to get divorced and we'd be a happy family again, even if we have to work on it.

That's where my journey comes in. I'm at the bottom of a very long ladder, but I want to climb it, if that's what it takes to get back to A's heart. I did nothing to prove myself to her, to prove that we belonged together. Instead of actions, I tried using words, which I've now learned that words tend to have only one meaning, and that meaning is lost if you don't do something about it. I haven't proven to her that I want to be a father to my children, despite my feelings otherwise. I haven't proven to her that I want to be a man of the house, of the family. I've done nothing but wallow in self-pity for the past 21 months, hoping my words would convince her to return to me. My first step is moving back to Arkansas and doing everything I can to see my children, especially our third son, whom I've never been able to hold. My second step is to prove to A that I'm the best father those children will ever have, and work my way back to her heart one step at a time.

There's just one problem - my fear. I'm afraid that it's too late, that she's never going to take me back, no matter what. I'm afraid that she doesn't care for me anymore, and that I won't even get to see my children. I'm afraid I've hurt her too much for her to even consider reconciliation, despite her obvious need for it back in January, 2010. I want to remarry A... I want a life with her, only. She was my first true love, and is my only love, and it took me 26 years to find that.

So, community, what are your thoughts? I know the standard answer is going to be, "If you feel she's worth it, then do what you can to make it work." But I'm looking for so much more than that, if there is even such a better answer. I'm sorry this is so long, but I really needed everyone to see the background to understand her side of things. Thank you.

A couple of things.

Are you working?
Are you paying child support?

And the first thing I would do is move back to the town where my children are and establish a visitation schedule. You may never be her husband again but you will ALWAYS be their father.

If you want her back, then you need to show her by actions.

How old are you?

Move back near here, and become active in your children's lives. Demonstrating this to her will be key to making a marriage work with her.

Your affair has to be dealt with as well. You will need stiff extraordinary precautious

1) Show your ex-wife you will not have any friendships with women of the opposite sex.

2) Show your ex-wife you will be open and transparent.

3) Read up on Plan A and start to wow your ex-wife. Start with Family committment, converstation, and affection.

4) Absolutely do not lovebust her.

Read His Needs Her Needs (can check out at your local library) to understand lovebusters and meeting emotional needs.

I'm currently unemployed at the moment, which is why I think now is the best time to get out there. I have a couple of job leads, but they're an hour away from my children. I would opt to go for the town they live in except that it's quite small (less than 1000 people), and the nearest place with any real job opportunities is where I'm headed to.

As for child support, I haven't been able to pay anything. It's been rough trying to keep something over my head with the job I did have, and that was cutting back everything I could. I've gone weeks without food because I wasn't making enough to even support myself (which is why I'm presently out of a job anyway). It's not that I didn't or don't want to pay, it's just a matter of means to do so.

We currently have a visitation schedule, set up in the divorce decree. I'm hoping to get it changed because as it stands, the visitation is calls every Sunday for 30 minutes (she doesn't feel that they're ready to talk on the phone, being only 4 years old at the oldest), and supervised visitation that I have to pay for at the Arkansas Visitation and Exchange center (located 5 hours from where she lives). After two years of supervised visitation there (which I have to have a minimum of 3 per year, and cannot miss more than 10 phone calls a year), she'll move on to supervised visitation at a mutually agreed upon place, with her supervision. After two years of that, provided that I continue on with the strict schedule, I'll finally get unsupervised visitation. This all stems from the fact that she really fears I'm going to be a physical threat to my children as well as her, when I've never raised a fist to her. Her fear comes from the fact that I had been abusive to people in the past, and I understand that, which is why I sought counseling the day she kicked me out.

To answer your questions, I'm 31 years old.

I do have a lot of female friends, but the only person she ever considered a threat was B. I'll definitely read up on Plan A, and yeah, I don't plan on lovebusting her at all. I actually read through the entire book of "Lovebusters" and it made so much sense to me. I'll look for the "His Needs, Her Needs" book, though I'm pretty sure she got that book as well, though I think it remained with her.

In any case, I do have a valid reason to show up at her door; my stuff is still sitting there that she's held for me since I left. I'd been trying to get her to send them to me, but she hasn't... so I was hoping that I could start out with that... :\

I would leave her alone unless you are strong enough and ready to
move back near the kids
and spend time with them
Find a job, any job to help support the kids

and not get involved with any woman for two years.

Maybe your ex wife will figure out you have changed and be willing to try again with you, unless she has found another man who seems to be a better gamble.

You might be a bit optimistic about how you can turn things around. It would take a major effort to change the way you live.

JT, I took the liberty of summarizing your timeline:

You were only together 5 months before you proposed in June 2006. You met OW in Nov 2006, confessed, broke up, got back together and married in 2007.

You stayed in contact with OW, agreed to stop it, only to resume it again secretly. Your BW found out and you separated.

Your first son was born 11/2007 but you were working too hard to help with the baby. Four months later BW is pregnant again with second child.

You get back together, living in her mom's house, and find out your BW is pregnant again with 3rd child. You weren't working, MIL paid $400 to keep you out of jail for a traffic ticket, you had anger issues, and BW was done. You react by having a fit and threatening suicide. It didn't work and your BW kicked you out.

You go back to your old apartment. You start therapy and go back to college for a week (after your BW help you set that up and only lasted a WEEK.)

You resumed contact with OW and moved in with her in Jan. 2010.

You say you got back together with your wife but you were still separated. Her mom was paying for your hotel room because she refused to have you in her home. BW accepted OW as a friend???!!!! You still have anger issues.

March 2010 your BW had finally had enough. You moved away to another state in April 2010. July 2010 3rd child born

Your wife filed in Oct 2010, you agreed to sign the papers in January 2011 and the divorce was final in February 2011.

Your BXW has gone no contact.

Have a I got all that right? I assume that you are 26 years old, right?

There are several red flags here. You married too soon and too young. You started having children before you ready financially or emotionally.

You have basically cheated, been financially irresponsible, and abusive to your XBW throughout your marriage. Now you both have three children who have to suffer the consequences of your immaturity.

What can you do? Get a job and keep it for longer than a year. Start paying child support for your children. Leave your XBW alone (or any other woman for that matter) for at least a year while you get your feet on the ground and prove that you can be a man and a good father.

You should be afraid. I see little promise for any reconciliation, mainly because this whole thread has been about you. No where do you say that your XBW is interested in recovering your marriage.

Start with you. Change you first, THEN think about seeing if you can clean up this mess.

I was 27 when we got married, am now 31 years old.

You got it correct, all except for the "You still have anger issues." after my wife accepted OW as a friend.

The reason she accepted the OW as a friend is because the OW was allowing me to stay at her place, and the OW was being civil towards my wife. In fact, she even apologized for the name calling and trying to interfere with our relationship.

You're right that the whole post was about ME wanting to find reconciliation. I can't speak for my ex-wife. I can only believe that she's trying to heal herself as much as possible from the hurt because she did put a lot into the relationship, and I let her down. I also have to believe that she does want to reconcile, but she doesn't want things to be the way they were before, and that's completely understandable. She needs to know I won't have an AO and harm her or the children. She needs to know that she can rely on me, financially and emotionally.

And that's why I'm embarking on this journey. The ultimate goal is to win her back, but I'm not asking her to trust me again, just asking her to allow me to earn that trust back. I'm not looking for a hand out from her, either, or for her to help me along the way. I want to do this completely on my own because 1.) it'll prove that I have changed and 2.) any reconciliation isn't going to happen with me leeching off her help.

She should have never needed to communicate to me what was bothering her. I truly wish we had found this site long before anything happened, but she was so gung ho about getting back together after she found "Lovebusters" that I thought for sure our marriage was saved. There was even a point in time that she hyperventilated over the phone with me because I was telling her I didn't want to be with her (I really was trying to move on...) and that broke my heart.

I suppose, though, even if there is little hope for reconciliation, it wouldn't kill me to try, right? At least I'll be able to say that I did something right in our relationship, and at the very least, maybe she'll open her eyes to the new person before her and open up a bit more.

One thing I forgot to add that had a big impact on her reaction to the OW... her ex-fiance, someone she dated for 5 years, had the same first name as me, and left her for a woman he met at work. So, in her eyes, she saw the same thing happening all over again.

I'm definitely focusing on myself first, though.

My answer would not be "if you feel she is worth it...." but that you need to grow up ALOT before any woman should ever even consider you. You have a very unstable history that any thinking woman should not consider. I would focus on becoming more stable and making yourself an attractive choice. As it is now, I seriously doubt that you could even support yourself, much less a wife and 3 children. That counts you OUT as a prospect.

Can you even support yourself like a grown up? Are you still living off the OW?

I haven't been much in contact with the OW since I left Arkansas and moved back to California. We exchange niceties every once in a while (happy birthday, Merry Christmas, etc) but that's really the extent of any contact with her.

You're fight, I HAVE been unstable, which is another reason I'm embarking on this incredibly long journey. I played a "victim" role, always blaming others for MY mistakes, for MY way of life, for MY bad luck. That was one of the things my ex-wife taught me, and I just never listened until I saw the very same thing in my brother, who is now living with me.

I was lazy. I was depressed, and I let that get to me and let it affect the way I lived. I'm definitely not an attractive choice right now, and I'm not contesting that at all. To finally open my eyes, though, and realize that there is more to life than what I'm living now, that was a rude awakening for me. And my motivation (as it should have been all along) is any chance of a relationship with my ex-wife. I was listening to a song the other day that REALLY hit home for me... the chorus goes:

I should have been chasing you
I should have been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should have said all the things
That I kept inside of me
Maybe I could have made you believe
That what we had is all we'd ever need

Lately, I've been seeing signs (at least, I think they are signs) that my relationship is destined to be reconciled. For instance, on the first day of this journey, I knew part of it would be my religion. Since I can't make it to Church on Sundays, I decided to download podcasts of the sermons. After a quick search in Google, the VERY first thing I saw was:

"Mending bridges with your ex -- Did you recently break up and now find yourself missing your partner?"

What are the odds that I would find that on the first link I looked at, searching for God? A number of other things seems to coincide with each other, too... for instance, names of people around me (family members, at that) that are the same names as my ex's family (MIL's name, ex-wife's stepfather's name, and even my ex-wife's name). It just seems like God is telling me "Look, straighten your act, get your life together, and I'll reward you with your ex-wife. But you have to do for you, I won't hand it to you."

Maybe I'm just delusional.

JT, your destiny is very contingent upon the choices you make in your life. God is not going to hand it over to you. You have to earn it and focus on being a grown up. God is not going to reward you with another human being, that is in direct violation of the free will he gives us all.

As far as your continued contact with the OW, I would suggest that is very disrespectful to your wife and she shouldn't have anything to do with you until you lose the OW. The OW disrespected your wife and your marriage, so your continued contact with her is an affront to your wife. And if you are a Christian, then surely you understand that you aren't supposed to associate with people like that?

My continued contact with the OW is going to cease to exist here shortly. There's not much of a friendship there anymore, anyway. Amusingly, the OW is now rooting for me, praying for me and hoping I can reconcile with my ex-wife. In all honesty, the OW really was apologetic for the way she behaved, but she stopped when she realized how much my ex-wife really meant to me.

And let me rephrase the reward a bit. It's not that He is going to reward me with my ex-wife, but more that He will help to ease her pain and suffering from the hurt, which will allow her to open up to me again. I prayed, day and night, for God to "make her see," but I was praying for the wrong thing. I should have been praying for Him to heal her hurt. I truly do believe that once her hurt has been healed, our relationship can begin to heal.

Now, that's not saying that God is not trying to heal her, but I'd like to believe that it's something specific she needs from me in order to heal completely. I know I'm not making much sense; I just can't seem to put into words what I'm trying to say.

You're not serious about this, right? Do you think God works that way?

You are 31 years old with 3 children to support. You have no job and no visible means of support for yourself, let alone your little ones. You have an affair partner you can't seem to shake. You appear to be unwilling to put in the sweat equity that is required of anyone who wishes to make something of themselves, married or not. A man who can't afford to pay for his own speeding ticket is a child wearing big-boy clothes. I applaud your wife for allowing you any time with your children at all. She may not want them to be exposed to your influence, and I wouldn't blame her. She appears to consider you an unnecessary addition to her life. Her acceptance of your affair partner would be alarming, until it is realized that she was grateful to 'B' for taking a problem off her hands: YOU.

You are currently an unattractive choice for a mate, J. Until you decide that it is time to take responsibility for yourself you will remain an unattractive choice - for your ex-wife, or any other woman who has any self-respect.


When did your life suddenly become an incredibly long journey? There hasn't been one minute added to your life since the day you were born. I think it's interesting to see you say that your life suddenly became an 'incredibly long journey'. How so?

You misconstrued my long journey comment. I'll try to explain it better.

The long journey has nothing to do with "life" itself. The long journey has everything to do with me GETTING my life together again. That's the whole point of my journey, taking responsibility for MY actions, "growing up," as it were.

Before my marriage, I was doing pretty decently for myself. I met my ex-wife, and moved into her apartment complex shortly afterwards (note, that's moved into the apartment complex, not moved in with her). I was a manager at a call center. She was a manager at *edit*. I wound up quitting my job (which she approved of me doing) because a lot of drama was going on, and managers were being mistreated. That's just the short version. Long version includes stress-induced ulcers from the way the bosses were treating the managers.

I managed to find another job that paid more at entry level than I was making as a manager anyway, so it worked out in my favor. I wound up getting fired from the job, partly because of my actions, and partly because of false reports that were made. Still, I found an even higher paying job, and worked there for quite a while. When my second son was born, however, the company decided to penalize me for missing two weeks of work (my ex-wife was on bed rest, really needed me there). A month later, ice storms hit Arkansas where we lived, and I had to miss three days due to icy conditions (it was a 25 mile commute, and my ex-wife didn't want me risking my life driving there). The company decided to let me go after that.

So, it's not like I was a slacker job-wise. I made money, we kept our bills paid. The unpaid speeding ticket was due to my trust in a friend. Since I was working, I couldn't get to the courthouse during business hours to make my ticket payments. Instead, I entrusted a friend to make the payments for me. He didn't, and instead kept the money. I didn't find out for a year later that I had a warrant out for my arrest. This came at a time that I didn't have a job and had no money to pay the now required $400. That's why my MIL paid it.

I'm not a deadbeat, I'm not completely useless. My crimes were not showing my ex-wife that I loved her enough to care about her feelings rather than mine. I was selfish, wanting what I wanted done. I was a Taker, and while I did give SOME of the time, she was the ultimate Giver in the relationship. I provided for our family as much as I could. I just wasn't the husband and father I should have been in other areas, such as home living.

Ever since the separation, however, I have fallen into this funk of "poor, poor pitiful me" with severe depression and thoughts of hopelessness. The long journey I'm referring to is my climb out of this Pit of Despair, rung by rung, step by step, so that I can become BETTER than the man I was before. I had a place in the world before, but the separation and divorce completely destroyed me (and I'm pretty sure my ex-wife as well).

I hope that clarifies things a bit more.

As for if I think God works that way, I explained that it wasn't so much as handing my ex-wife to me, but rather, opening up a path of rediscovery. God works miracles, and I'm more convinced now than ever that He's destined the reconciliation of our marriage. "Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." It's just going to take a LOT of effort on my part, which I'm willing to do. I'll sweat blood if I have to to make it out of this pit.

Those are some pretty words JT and I imagine your wife heard a variation of the same over and over. I don't want to kick a man while he's down so lets focus on your recovery actions that MAY give you a shot with your ex.

First-- stop all contact with OW. Seriously, if you're not willing to do this very important step then you can't start seeking recovery with your wife. It's that big of a deal.

Who are you living with now? Who's paying for the roof over your head, the food in your mouth, and the Internet connection you're using to post here?

Are you currently working? How do you plan to pay for your move back to Arkansas? If you don't have this planned out and you're relying on others to pay your way, then not much has changed.

Do you have a pastor? You need someone to hold your feet to the fire and make you accountable.

I suggest you write your exwife a letter and confess all you wrongs without one word about what she's done wrong. Ask for forgiveness with no expectation. Tell her the things you are doing differently. Not promises or intentions but what has actually changed. If nothing has changed, then hold off on the letter until you have some tangible proof that you are a new man.

Of course the best thing would be for those babies to have two stable parents but they don't right now.

Hopefully some of our MB men will come along and speak to you man to man. Whether you stick around and take their counsel will prove if you're serious.

Well-said, Meggy. JT, you misconstrued MY comment about your journey. Much of your posting sounds like justifying your poor decisions of the past. Much of your life so far appears to have been a selfish journey of self-fulfillment (which, as you have seen, doesn't work when you have a wife and three children.) You still sound selfish and 'me-oriented'. Consider: you have now decided to put your priorities where they belong. You call that 'an incredibly long journey' like it's a difficult, arduous task. It sounds to me like your journey so far has been the difficult one.

And I think you recognize that. You've come here, asking for help. Re-read Meggy's excellent post to understand where you need to begin.

I also don't get the business of losing the OW 'soon'. How about you lose her NOW? Not when you find it convenient, or when you're done getting needs met by her. Do it NOW.

After that, get a job. They're out there. Get one and keep it. Don't set yourself up to be fired again. (People are typically let go from jobs because they deserved to be.)

Make regular support payments to your ex-wife. Expect nothing in return. It is your role as their father to support your children.

If the two of your are to reconcile that will happen. God isn't going to 'give' her to you as some kind of cosmic prize after you perform a certain way. He doesn't work that way - God supplies our needs, not necessarily our 'wants'.

(Posting note - you don't need to give us every twist and turn of your life for us to understand your story. Try to make it one-third the size of your previous posts. We'll ask you if we need more info. It will make your posts easier to read.)

Regarding the OW: Now gone. Only had two mediums of contact: Facebook (now blocked) and phone number. You're right - that should have been the first thing to go.

Regarding Meggy's questions: My dad's landlord has a house that he's not quite ready to rent (still needs some fixing up, etc). As a result, he's allowing me to stay there, provided I keep the place looking like someone is living there (mow the yard, water the lawn, etc). The only bill I have to pay for is my cell phone, which I use to tether to the internet at the moment. As for food, I eat whatever I find. Normally, food stamps have come in, but my sister and father have brought over food from time to time. As for paying my bill, the phone may very well be shut off in a couple of weeks. I was a taxi driver up until the middle of last month. I've been searching for a new job since then. Had enough to pay my phone bill through November, but nothing else. I'm currently attempting to supplement my income in any way possible.

Regarding a Pastor: I do, and he's currently in Arkansas. I'm going to contact him on Monday, let him know what's going on, and ask him to pray for me and offer more insight.

Regarding a letter: I already have one written out, and I plan on sending that soon. Nothing in the letter speaks of promises to be made - I've broken far too many of those to expect acceptance. It does tell her what I plan to do (will re-write it, though), but it does also tell her the things that I have changed, like my anger issues and letting go.

Regarding support: Over the last few days, I've been searching for a way to get any kind of income. This includes doing work online, even if it pays $2-5 on average per task. I'm actually going to use my ex-wife's PayPal account, provided I can get that email address from her, and have the money deposited directly into her account instead of mine. It may not be much, but it's a far cry more than what I've sent lately.

Regarding long journey: I suppose we have two different ideas of what that journey is. The difficult portion for me is learning not to be the victim, that I create my own problems, not someone else. It involves me making changes to my current lifestyle that I've settled for. It's not all going to happen overnight, but it's something I want to happen, no matter how long it takes. Not for me - the old me was "happy" doing nothing in my life, going nowhere, settling - but for my kids, who deserve much better than they've been giving, and for my ex-wife, who deserves all the love in the world.

Regarding posting: I know, I tend to write novels when I post. I'll try to cut the posts down a bit more.

Thanks... it really means a lot to me that you're being so blatantly honest about this. I've been needing people to do exactly what you're doing now, and not sugarcoating everything with, "Your ex was this, that, you deserve better, etc." (as a side note, I've never once said a bad thing about my ex. There's nothing bad to tell - I may not like what she's doing, keeping from me, but she's a wonderful person, and a wonderful mother to our children.)

Not good enough, JT. If I can see through this as a stranger just looking in, your ex is going to see it in a heartbeat. This is No Contact Lite. Your OW probably doesn't even know you're 'gone'.

You need to send a letter to OW, explaining to her that your affair with her was a cruel act of neglect to your wife and children. And as a way of personally atoning for such a stunning lapse of morality, you will have no further contact with OW for life. Tell her that you do not wish any contact from her, as well.

Send the letter certified mail so you have confirmation that she has received it. Do not use your current address as the return address. Use an address that cannot be traced back to you. Ask the post office about being able to confirm her receipt of the letter via their online website.

Next, shut down Facebook. Just get rid of it. Blocking her is an action that can be undone instantly.

Change your phone number. Make it impossible for her to be able to contact you.

When you're done with that: give your ex your new number so she can reach you if she needs to. Tell her you changed the number because you were getting phone calls you didn't want to receive.

Can you find a local pastor who can meet with you personally? Is the Arkansas pastor in any kind of contact with your ex?

Set up your own account. Don't use your ex's. You'll look like you're trying to impress her with big plans (that may well not pan out, and that will be one more 'strike' against you in her eyes.) When you get money, send it to her.

Post it here before you send it and let us help you with it.

Don't get mired in the weightiness of this 'journey'. Just do the work, JT. Start walking the walk, without analyzing the journey. We're all on journeys, JT.

We're good like that. Stay with us and learn much.

I don't have have the OW's mailing address, unfortunately. As for Facebook, like so many users of this world, it's (sadly) the only way that I can keep in contact with most of my family. But I suppose you're right - it has hampered me for so long, and I've foolishly have used it as a security blanket.

Changing the phone number will have to come in the future. For now, I can block the OW from calling, and for once, I'm not going to let her affect my life. Yes, it's easy to unblock, but it's a temporary fix until I can afford to do the number change and whatnot. Given that my phone may be shut off in the next couple of weeks anyway, I may be in for a phone number change in any case.

As for the pastor, he does have contact with my ex, I think. A local one would do me some good, but given where I live, I can't get to the Church (it's a 3-4 mile walk). The one in Arkansas and I have a good rapport, and he and I have talked a few times over my marriage.

I'll write up the letter here, though I think it'll be a novel again. I'll post it in a bit.

And I originally had thought to use her account specifically since it would have been easier, but I didn't think about the ramifications that would occur should it fail.

Sir, how serious are you? Because I've just poked holes in every reason for why you "can't" do something. Don't tell us why you "can't" do something to better yourself. Tell us how you figured out a way.

Find it.
Use email and the phone.
As you choose.
Find a local pastor. Call him. He'll come to you. He can help you arrange for a ride to church. There are many church members who look for ways to help such as filling this need for transportation to church.
Quit looking for easy. Look for ways JTullo can accomplish great things on his own.