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I am the WW. The depth of my remorse cannot be expressed. Background: I(28) have been married to husband(32) for 8 years. 2 children 6 and 7. Marriage has been rocky for 8 years with a husband addicted to pornography. The pornagraphy issue came to a head early 20ll with me threatening to take the kids and move out. He promised to get rid of the addiction but nothing really came of it. Summer 2011 I had to go for a few months to a work class. Met the OM(44) and had a PA. Felt blindsided by the whole thing. Before I came home I found MB and was disgusted at myself because my story was like the stories I found here. Thought I wanted to divorce husband, after all the marriage has been so bad for so long. Ended up coming home and coming clean. It took me a week of trickling the information, which I realize now is a mistake. My husband was understandably hurt and angry. He sent a letter to the OM's wife and disclosed the affair to her. OM lied to his wife and she sent me a letter back saying I should stop lying to my husband and I'm a sick girl for making this up.
Husband and I are currently in counseling. Counseling is helping. My husband is so hurt. I don't have a time machine and I wish I did. We're working with the counselor to address the root issues of our marriage. My husband is still so hurt by this. I expect he'll be hurt for years if not forever. I've disclosed everything, given him all my passwords, and severed contact with OM. Husband has a copy of all the incriminating text messages and would like to send them over to the OM's wife. I kind of would like to let things go--they can mess up their own marriage. I think we've done what we could if OM wants to lie and she wants to believe it that's their deal. It really isn't a point of argument between me and my husband just something we discussed.
Also, what else can I do to help my husband? I'm being as open and honest with him as possible. I admit that at first I was of the "I don't want to talk about it because it reminds me of it" attitude but I realize that is selfish and it's what HE needs now. I answer every question he may have. But other than letting him be hurt I feel like there is little else I can do. Any advice for a WW that wants to fix this?
I am the WW. The depth of my remorse cannot be expressed. Background: I(28) have been married to husband(32) for 8 years. 2 children 6 and 7. Marriage has been rocky for 8 years with a husband addicted to pornography. The pornagraphy issue came to a head early 20ll with me threatening to take the kids and move out. He promised to get rid of the addiction but nothing really came of it. Summer 2011 I had to go for a few months to a work class. Met the OM(44) and had a PA. Felt blindsided by the whole thing. Before I came home I found MB and was disgusted at myself because my story was like the stories I found here. Thought I wanted to divorce husband, after all the marriage has been so bad for so long. Ended up coming home and coming clean. It took me a week of trickling the information, which I realize now is a mistake. My husband was understandably hurt and angry. He sent a letter to the OM's wife and disclosed the affair to her. OM lied to his wife and she sent me a letter back saying I should stop lying to my husband and I'm a sick girl for making this up.
Husband and I are currently in counseling. Counseling is helping. My husband is so hurt. I don't have a time machine and I wish I did. We're working with the counselor to address the root issues of our marriage. My husband is still so hurt by this. I expect he'll be hurt for years if not forever. I've disclosed everything, given him all my passwords, and severed contact with OM. Husband has a copy of all the incriminating text messages and would like to send them over to the OM's wife. I kind of would like to let things go--they can mess up their own marriage. I think we've done what we could if OM wants to lie and she wants to believe it that's their deal. It really isn't a point of argument between me and my husband just something we discussed.
Also, what else can I do to help my husband? I'm being as open and honest with him as possible. I admit that at first I was of the "I don't want to talk about it because it reminds me of it" attitude but I realize that is selfish and it's what HE needs now. I answer every question he may have. But other than letting him be hurt I feel like there is little else I can do. Any advice for a WW that wants to fix this?
plt,
Welcome to the club no one wants to be a part of,,but it's the best place in the world for the help you need.
A few questions..
When was D-day (the day you confessed the affair)?
How did you meet the OM? Was he a co-worker, also taking the company class you were taking?
Did you go through STD testing after ending the affair?
I am the WW. Also, what else can I do to help my husband?
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.
Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
Husband has a copy of all the incriminating text messages and would like to send them over to the OM's wife. I kind of would like to let things go--they can mess up their own marriage. I think we've done what we could if OM wants to lie and she wants to believe it that's their deal. It really isn't a point of argument between me and my husband just something we discussed.
It would be a good idea to send the OMW these text messages since it appears the OM has lied to her about the nature of your affair. That is the least you can do to make amends to her. Those texts are missing information about the affair that she needs to come to a proper conclusion. So, yes, you should send them to her. You haven't done what you could if you haven't sent them to her. It is your "deal" too since you are complicit in the crime against this woman.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Like you, I discovered (three years ago) that an affair is never the answer to issues in a marriage. I was never "that kind of guy" -- until suddenly I was. And I almost trashed my marriage to the best woman on the planet.
One thing we do when we cheat on our spouses, is, we tear our own credibility to shreds. It can be rebuilt, but only over time, and with much perseverance and transparency on your part. So be patient, and don't expect instant or sweeping results.
Of course, people don't just meet in a grocery store checkout line & decide to get a hotel room; there's almost always much more to it than that; usually not just one bad choice, but a whole sequence of bad choices. It will be very important for you to examine how your affair occurred, and the decisions you made at each step of the way; why you allowed your boundaries to slip to the point where you countenanced an affair. (You've glossed over this a bit in the telling here; hopefully you've indeed given your H the full story.) It's crucial that you look at where you let your boundaries slip, and implement precautions in your conduct around other men, so that you don't put yourself in position to repeat the same sequence of bad choices.
Re: your H's sharing the text messages with OM's wife; it's not a decision I ever had to confront, because the end of my my affair actually was precipitated when my OW's husband's PI found her out; but I wonder how you would reconcile, from an ethical standpoint, a decision to withhold from OM's wife info about the state of her marriage, info that is potentially significant to her health, and info that may in fact give her then chance to save her marriage if she & her H so choose? If your husband wants to show OM's wife evidence, then it should indeed not be any point of argument whatsoever. After that evidence is shared, then you'll have done your duty to the poor woman. (For all you know, the OM may have intercepted the first letter and sent a fake response on his wife's behalf. It could possibly be the case that she is completely unaware of his misconduct.) Her knowledge will be another set of eyes on OM; this likely will give your husband a slight measure of additional confidence that the affair is really over. You should be happy to see him get all the confidence he can get at this time.
Some other things you need to do:
1 -- Take precautions & preventive measures to eliminate all possibility of further contact with OM. Have you done so? Can you specifically describe how, listing the steps you've taken?
2 -- Be completely transparent. I note that you said you're being "as open and honest with him as possible". Maybe I'm reading too much into your qualifying language, but why the "as possible"? Would something make it not possible for you to be completely open/honest?
3 -- Spend time with your husband. For couples in marital recovery, one huge key -- probably the single biggest factor in my wife's & my own recovery -- is that you need to spend time meeting one another's most important emotional needs. Lots of time. Willard Harley, who developed this site, recommends a minimum of 15-20 hours per week of time spent giving your "undivided attention" to one another. This is hard to do; it takes planning & even some apparent sacrifice (I say "apparent" because it's really a no-brainer when you realize the choice of not spending this time together may cost you your marriage). Making this time happen will be a challenge, insofar as you have young kids. No matter; you need to make this "UA" time happen. You found time to invest in the affair, after all. You can find time to invest in saving & improving your marriage. This UA time is when he meets your needs as well; that's how you can both start to build a marriage better than the one you had prior to the affair. Recovery is a two-way street, but you need to go all-in on making time for it, and again, not expect quick results. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
If you've read much here, you'll probably have seen the experience betrayed spouses go through as a "roller coaster" of emotions. One day (or one hour) they are feeling hopeful, and the next day (or hour!) they can be feeling crushing despair/anger/you-name-it. And every mix-&-match combination of emotions that you can imagine (and you can't fully imagine it, any more than I can). At these times, it's more than ever necessary for you to demonstrate that you are there for your husband; there if he wants to talk, there if he wants to be silent, there if he wants to be with you, and there waiting for his return if he decides he needs to go out an drive around all night trying to make sense of his life. You. Just. Be. There. Steadfastly. Not with an attitude of "I'll be here for you when you're done being hurt," but rather an attitude of "I know you are hurting because of what I did, and I'm resolved never to do it again, and I know I my words mean nothing, so I will be here for you and only you, and I'll have to prove it to you every day with actions."
And it's the actions above that will begin to speak for you, day by day -- the precautions against contact with OM, the living transparently, the spending time with him & making yourself available to him, and learning & meeting his needs, and communicating (at appropriate times) honestly about your own needs, not sweeping them under the rug -- so that he has a fair chance to meet them too.
If you've got questions, ask.
Does your husband post here? If not, do you think he would someday?
Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
It was a work affair. Luckily OM had a new assignment in Europe. Contact would be difficult at best. But I've sent him a NC letter and have blocked him from facebook. Husband has all my passwords too. D-day was oct 17. It was an awful day. H and I are doing better with counseling. We've been reading a lot of the MB books as well and spending a lot of time together.
I really can't describe how terrible I feel for not only my own spouse but OM wife as well. I think she knows but is too afraid to admit it especially since her husband is lying to her. She's not an idiot. Anyway, I've been composing a letter to her. Not sure exactly what to say. How can I even begin to try to apologize to this woman for what I have done?
WW-me. 28 Bh -32 Two children 7, 8 D-day 10-15-11 PA aug-oct 2011
Why don't u post a rough draft here first. What ever you do don't include any blameshifting. You and he chose to have the affair. NOTHING she or you husband did made you do it. I don't care what kind of problem they had or you had. Tell her facts or include the proof you have but don't tell her graphic details as this will seem like you are rubbing it in instead of helping.
End it with letting her know you will answer any questions she may have after reading it but let her tell you how graphic she needs.
Stick around. It is always slow on weekends but this is a holiday weekend so will take longer to get answers.
Me -BS 40 Him - FWH 34 (dtl) 3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11 NC - 01/09/11 02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
As re: an apology to OM's BW, I can only suggest a few things not to say:
-- Don't say anything that might sound like an excuse. That includes attempting to make any explanations for what happened. (There are explanations, but there are no excuses. A recently betrayed spouse may or may not be up to discerning the difference, and even if so, the difference may not matter to her. It may all come off sounding like an excuse.)
-- Don't attempt to apportion blame among you & OM. If you suggest it was mostly your fault, it may come off sounding like you're saying her husband was a guileless dupe; and if you suggest he was mainly to blame, then it may come off sounding like you're dodging responsibility. In reality, you & OM are both 100% responsible for selfish choices that each of you made.
-- Don't suggest that you understand how much this must hurt for her. You probably don't.
-- Don't say anything about your pain or how hard this has been for you & your marriage.
Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Husband has a copy of all the incriminating text messages and would like to send them over to the OM's wife. I kind of would like to let things go--they can mess up their own marriage. I think we've done what we could if OM wants to lie and she wants to believe it that's their deal. It really isn't a point of argument between me and my husband just something we discussed.
Also, what else can I do to help my husband? I'm being as open and honest with him as possible. I admit that at first I was of the "I don't want to talk about it because it reminds me of it" attitude but I realize that is selfish and it's what HE needs now. I answer every question he may have. But other than letting him be hurt I feel like there is little else I can do. Any advice for a WW that wants to fix this?
Stop protecting the OM and give the OMW copies of the evidence. You are putting the OM ahead of your BH.
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Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
