Oldmitt,

Let me start by saying that our situations have some very key differences. One, your WW is showing remorse and willing to put in the effort to work through this while my WW is basically refusing to be a part of this M by refusing to meet my top 2 ENs. Second, I have no kids so there is very little if any thoughts of "abandoning the family". I am simply getting away from a toxic wife.

As for the decision for her to move out, I sat down with her and explained that I couldn't continue to live like this and what I needed to change to remain in this marriage (apparently, telling her I wasn't happy and what I wanted wasn't clear enough). Her response was that she would not meet those two needs. I then told her we might as well start working towards D. Here she had a total meltdown. However, when she was able to talk again she said that she would move out (this is what makes me question if the A is still going). Logistically it makes a lot more sense for her to be the one to move. First, she has an hour plus commute to work while mine is only a few minutes. Second, during her A she had already coordinated with a friend to move into her house (OM is married so she couldn't move in with him) so she already has a place lined up which happens to be just down the street from where she works. Third, I am in the middle of some home improvements which she can not perform herself, but need to be completed in order to sell the house or for us to live here comfortably.

What I as a woman do not understand and would like to ask about is why or how can you desire her sexually if you do not find her attractive????? I cannot comprehend the difference in most men and women in this area. If you are not in love with her b/c of various reasons, do not like a lot about her, then how can you even desire her in an intimate way??? Thank you in advance for your input. And sorry to derail your main topic here. (*.*)

OMG, so much for the plan! She realized what plan B would actually mean for her, and then she had another melt down and is now refusing to move out. Well sort of. She wants to live with her friend during the week and come home on the weekends (can you say A still going?). I am in no place to move out. I would have to find a place (which I don't have money for), the home improvements won't get finished and it will be almost impossible to sell the house.

luvinlife - I am no MB expert, but I believe this has to do with the order of ENs. Any person wants their top ENs met, and the best person to do this is your spouse (In the case of SF the only acceptable person is your spouse).
Side note - Did I say that I don't find my wife attractive?

I'm a bit confused why Would she be opposed to plan B Or want to be there on the weekends if she still having an affair She would want to get as far away from you as possible at least that's what I understand of WS mind you I don't understand much.

oldmitt,

I believe this is what's called called cake-eating, getting needs met by both the AP and the spouse and keeping them both on the hook without committing fully to either.

This arrangement would give her the freedom to get any needs met by the AP during the week, then come home to get needs met by me during the weekend while she would only minimally meet my needs to keep me around. I also think she believes under these conditions she can call me and I can meet her need for conversation and AD during the week and she will have no requirement to meet my needs for AF and SF (she really can't while living somewhere else).

So, I communicated that her solution to move out only during the week was unacceptable to me, and she decided rather than moving out for good, she would not move out at all. She did make a couple minor efforts to meet my need for AF last night and this morning, but at this point there is no consistency and I don't trust that there is any commitment to improvement in the future. So I guess plan A continues and I double over my efforts to prepare for my own moving out.

My big dilemma, now, is do I continue to spend UA time trying to meet her needs or focus all my energy into getting the house ready to sell (this could still be awhile)? I don't really have anything left for plan A, and it is almost impossible for me to hold back LBers, anymore. I had a huge SD last night and probably AO, too, which she ultimately gave into and tried to meet my need; but I know it was wrong, I feel horrible, and I know that it hurt any chance at fixing this M.

As I look back this actually seems to be a major theme in our relationship (She refuses to meet my needs, then I eventually SD and/or AO, and she finally tries to meet my needs, temporarily). I see it pretty clearly now, but am not sure how to break from this without a commitment from her to meet my needs. I feel like I've tried to get her to meet them in every way possible short of plan B, but I guess that's why I'm moving that direction.

Well, since I appear to be stuck in plan A, at least for a little while longer, I figure I should try and do it right. I'm still finding it almost impossible to meet her need for AD (at least while still following the PORH). Also due to the state of my LB balance and her lack of effort to meet my needs, I'm having a hard time not being critical of her. I can see how the combination of these 2 things is a deadly combination for her LB (especially with AD being so high on her list).

Should I (or does it) violate the PORH to "lie" and tell my wife good things about her that I don't really feel? Or is it a case where feelings will follow actions?

Does anyone have advice on how I can be less critical of her? Or advice on how I can express my dissatisfaction without sounding critical?

Well, it seems like I may be talking to myself here (has everyone given up on me?), but I will give an update anyways.

Since she refused to follow through with plan B (her moving out), she has begun to try and meet some of my needs. It is still minimal and only when she feels like it, but it is something. The thing is, to some extent I don't even want her to meet my needs anymore (in fact, when she tries my immediate reaction is to pull away).

I'm continuing to plan A, and have gotten surprisingly good at it (almost like it's on autopilot). I'm even beginning to meet her need for AD (this is much easier when she is putting some effort into my needs), but her refusal to follow the plan gives me little to no hope for our future.

Work on the house is progressing slower than hoped, and with Christmas coming up will probably be put on hold. But since I don't want her meeting my needs and I feel like I'm meeting hers with minimal effort, I'm fairly content with the current situation (although it's a very empty existence).

As a side note, through her entire A I knew something was up, and I really don't think she is in an A now. My comments a few weeks ago were more out of frustration than anything.