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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 7
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 7 |
Im sure some of you read my first post...FWH. I have received my copy of SAA about a week ago and have thoroughly read it. Very enlightening, and I have learned a great deal. Here is my current issue. I have been implementing many changes for the past two months or so. Meeting emotional needs, at least the ones im allowed to. I have been making my wifes life as easy as I can, handling all household matters so she can relax after work and enjoy her evenings. No LB's from me for some weeks now, except maybe tonite which i will explain.
Well tonite...my wife and I have not had any date nights with the exception of our anniversary on Oct 22,(no date nights are her choice, she says she dont want to go out with me). I thought things were going well. She had had a girls night out with her sis, movie out with her bro, and today she went to the movies with her sis. After the movie she called to tell me how it was and said she was going to go see it again another day, because one friend wasnt able to make it. Not typical of wifes behahvior. Later When she got home I ask (concerned about independent activities, rec comp was one of her needs)why she would want to go see it again with a friend who wouldnt do the same for her (the friend is a married woman who has apparently (not completely sure though, i heard this from the brothers)slept with two of my wifes brothers).
She proceeds to tell me shes done and just doesnt want to be with me any longer, wants a divorce, she just cant get it out of her mind. She said she was letting me stay here at home, sleep in our bed with her(no sex, i havent even had a passionate kiss in several weeks), and letting me be affectionate (As far as the affection Ive been showing she says its nice but wouldnt care if I didnt do it.)to her because she didnt want to hurt my feelings. She says everytime she looks at me she thinks of what I did. I asked(begged) her to work a program with me (such as SAA) before and tonite(she is dead set that nothing will work), but she says she just doesnt wanna try any longer and lifes just too short to spend anymore time working on our marriage.
I have been doing this alone for two months now and I just dont think I can fix our marriage alone. My thinking is just to keep doing what i am (WS doing a plan A basically), but she may just resent me more since she doesnt want me to do all this stuff im doing. We have long history together..20yrs, she says she'll always love me and cares about me but just dont wanna go on. Do I keep on trying, which is what i want to do or just respect her wishes and move on(which i REALLY dont want to do, and dont know how right now)?
Also, after her telling me I can stay here on a trial basis while we work on things, should I leave the home for separation if asked?... Im the one who wants to repair our marriage and am doing everything possible to do that...its hard to work a plan A while apart but thats what i did during our 2 mth separation she requested from Aug to Nov.
I truly envy the WS's whose spouses want them to come back and work on things...mine was never really sure she wanted me back from beginning, I was the one begging for the chance to repair our marriage.
Any advice is greatly appreciated...Im having tough time keeping my thoughts together right now. Thank you
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 7
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 7 |
Oh forgot to mention...concerning divorce request she says it will have to wait until we can afford it, but we are not together right now. She has removed her wedding ring and I am now wearing it on my pinky in the hopes she will change her mind if she see me holding in to it...is that desperate and pathetic?
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
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Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
gko
Junior Member
Registered: 11/06/11
Posts: 7
Hello, Ive been with my wife 20 yrs, married for 17, 3 children, 12, 15, 19.
My story is really more complex than this, but this summarizes it. Back in march 2010 i had a 2 month EA by text with 2 ppl, no sex chat but confiding about marriage problems, and conversing when i should have been talking to my wife(she didnt know at this time). I felt she really didnt like me anymore...we hardly ever talked. I was always doing things that revolved around motorcycles (once i had the bike, i got alot of female attn, something i was not used to). One day during an argument she threw my stuff out and told me to leave. I packed up and while waiting to tell my children she was hysterical and obviously didnt want me to leave. I left convinced I wasnt ever coming back to her although I planned on seeing my children everyday.
That night I met someone and had a 10 day PA. my wife was calling all the time asking me to come back. The third day I told her what i was doing and the fourth day she found out about the 2 EA (which I had cutoff contact with by this time). The next day after beginning the PA I realized what i was about to lose, and was distraught,dropping weight, being unable to eat or sleep, and not knowing what to do or how to fix things(she said if i was ever with anyone else she'd never have me back). At the end of the ten days I told the OW i wanted to go home. she said she could tell I wanted to and I should.
I returned home and begged her to let me come back. I made the mistake of not being totally forthcoming with answers to her questions, lying basically. She reluctantly agreed. I cut off all contact with OW immediately. well later it got back to my wife that the OW made me leave so it looked as though I only came home because I had nowhere else to go(not true, but i was already a liar, so i was not believed). My next mistake was not learning what it would take to heal and recover from my actions. I didnt do much different except i was no longer engaging in any EA or PA and didnt want to either. Nothing really improved because i didnt make any effort. I didnt know how and thought time would heal things.
August of this year (aprox 18 mos later)she stated we should separate so she can work on healing and fixing herself. I stayed at my mothers house but come home everyday to take my kids to school.our kids are very active in sports so it was hard to have any real length of time apart. Her words "separate" were a definite wake up call for me. At the beginning of our separation we both started individual counseling. She went three times and stopped. I still attend every week without fail. I know she loves me and part of her still wants to be with me or she would have asked for a divorce.
Here is where we are at to date. I have done much reading...books, the net, and counseling. I have very deep remorse and realize the damage I have done. I have looked inside myself and know why my affair happened, I know i would never resort to this again. She has agreed to let me come home and sleep on the couch on a day to day basis. I am using the best advice from all the sources to be a better person for her.
The problem: anything she reads or hears, that says couples can recover from this is dismissed as wrong, or not true...even when the same words come from different sources. Its like shes looking for something to tell her it wont work.
She wont really go out or interact with me on a deeper level, in her words 'we're not together'. Of her 5 top emotional needs(as listed by her) most are filled by family, esp. recreational companionship. Im doing all I can to fill her needs but she doesnt always allow me to. She has convinced a part of herself that she cannot move forward with me. I have been doing everything I can to make her life easier. I have this great fear that she will meet someone else before i can show her what a different person i have become, and i fear that is what it may take to realize how much i mean to her (that is what it took for me). Im going to keep doing things how I am, making things easier for her and improving myself. I have taken all pleasure out of life for her...she doesnt enjoy much at all anymore, and my guilt over that is eating me up almost to the point of affecting my daily living. Any advice is greatly appreciated This all started in March 2010. You have just now read SAA. Sorry with this question but if I were your BW - How serious do you think she thinks you are? I am wondering. Meeting needs is all good and fine but how convinced do you think your BW is that this will never happen again? What about you has changed that would convince her of that? Are you yourself convinced that adultry is wrong under any circumstances? Enjoying life and having her by your side along for the ride will do more for her than living your life trying to make hers easier. No where in MB's program does the program advocate we make life easier for our spouse. That only leads to us eventually becoming resentful when it fails. Your going to have to dig deep within yourself and show action that may convince your BW you are willing to do the hard work. The decision to stay or leave the M really is in her hands. Have you ever asked her exactly what it would take from you to reoncile this M? You may be applying all your effort in the wrong direction. It is possible the statement above about being with someone else is a boundry she will keep. Keep coming back and ask a lot of questions. As a wayward you may get 2 X 4's from time to time but know they are given to help direct you. Did the bike sell yet? Might want to stay with the original post so people can answer without having to dig out the original. nESRE
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
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Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
I would suggest you really read this article from start to finish. This program is a marathon-not a short sprint. Read this nESRE
Last edited by nesre; 11/27/11 02:29 AM.
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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