Dear A,

I've often sat here and wondered why you rescinded our marriage vows when I thought everything was going great. I wanted to blame you for everything; I was working on myself, and you just quit. I sat here, thinking that I was the victim here, and while I realized that I made our marriage difficult at times, I never placed the blame where it truly lied - squarely on my shoulders.

Over the near two years we've been separated, all I would think about is how I was going to win you back. I was doing everything for my own personal gain, believing that anything I could show you would be instant gratification, on my part as well as yours. I was working on myself, but for all the wrong reasons.

Now, I'm growing up and realizing that life isn't just about me. I have three wonderful children with you, but I don't even know who they are. To be honest, in those final months we were together, I couldn't even say I knew who you were. I was blinded by selfishness, and I let my pride get in the way of our marriage, believing I was too good for jobs that would barely get us by. I failed to uphold my vows with support, financially, and most importantly, emotionally.

I've worked on my anger issues. I know that was a major concern with you. Given my past of abuse towards my family, you had every right to worry I might flip out and turn on you one day. I can say all I want that it would never happen, but your trust in me was broken at the end, long before our last big fight. I can't expect you to believe me when all I've done is hurt you anyway. Regardless, I still am working on those issues, not because I'm trying to prove to you that I've changed, but because I want to set a good example for our children. It's not okay for me to scream and yell and throw a tantrum when I don't get my way, and it's not okay for the children to mimic that. Getting me out of the house in my unstable situation was really the best thing you could have done, despite whether I would have physically hurt you or not.

With my anger issues worked on, I'm now working on my sense of commitment. I wasn't always committed to the marriage, or the relationship, evidenced by the emotional affair I had with B. I was committed to one thing only, and that was what I wanted. That's changed now, and I find myself focusing more on the world around me, realizing that it doesn't revolve around my wants and needs - rather, I influence the wants and needs of the people around me. No one wants a selfish jerk in their lives, and I think that's why I have had so few friends. It's amazing that I've kept J as my friend for 25 years, and even he and I don't talk as much anymore.

My work ethics are changing, too. I've learned that having a job is having a job, whether it pays $6 an hour or $10 an hour. I wanted to blame you for not keeping me up-to-date with the children, but honestly, why should you? I'm the one failing as a father, not providing any means of support, even if it's just $20 a week. I wanted to hate you for it, saying you had no right to keep the children away from me like that, but how could I justify that if I'm not upholding my end of the bargain? Therefore, I'm making a commitment to myself to ensure anything extra that isn't for necessary bills is sent to you. This means that I'm doing without video games and without cable TV. I know those were issues in our marriage as well, my immaturity to the family when I wanted to play my games or watch TV instead of taking care of the family.

You sacrificed a lot in our marriage. I didn't sacrifice anything. Now I'm finding out what true sacrifice really means. Things that are unneeded, like video games, are not a sacrifice. They aren't needed, period. A sacrifice is losing something you need. You sacrificed your emotional needs to try to keep this marriage together, and you sacrificed financial needs to please me. I don't have anything to sacrifice right now, but in a true marriage, there is no sacrifice.

I have more changes to make, but for the sake of our children, I'm making them. I'm hoping you'll open up to the possibility of a friendship in the future, provided I can show you these changes are consistent and stable. There is nothing I'd like more than to be married to you again, but I realize that any hope for that, period, is still a long way off. At least with a friendship, our children can grow up knowing that their parents were able to work out their issues and work together to raise them.

I'm not asking you to accept this letter as me "finally getting it right." I know I've said that to you one too many times over different situations. I am asking, however, that you remain open-minded as I work my way back to the man you fell in love with, and the man I should have always been. I'm also not asking for your trust, but I will ask that you let me earn it back. I want nothing from you, for all you've ever done was give, and it's time that I give back.

My love for you still burns on, and it fuels me in my changes. I'm sorry for the misery I put you through, this time, from the bottom of my heart.

Always,
J, about to come alive

The letter:

The last line, "about to come alive" is from a song that she wished I had practiced and sang to her... it's Train's "I'm About to Come Alive" and I find it extremely fitting for this situation. Anyway, that's the novel of a letter I wrote, so would definitely love any feedback!

The only reason for the phone number hesitation is because I don't have the money to make the change yet.

1) Show your ex-wife you will not have any friendships with women of the opposite sex.

2) Show your ex-wife you will be open and transparent.

3) Read up on Plan A and start to wow your ex-wife. Start with Family committment, converstation, and affection.

4) Absolutely do not lovebust her.

Anyone have any suggestions to my plan?

As a side note, I have a job waiting for me back in Arkansas. Spoke with the Human Resources at the job I used to work at, and he said he would love to hire me back on.

I've also have stopped all means of contact with the OW, aside from the phone number change. I do have that number blocked, however, and she doesn't have my new email address, either. Facebook is getting removed tomorrow, though some of my friends don't understand why.

Again, thank you guys, for your help.

@SmilingWoman - Thanks for the edits you made to the letter. You did take a lot out, but I understand why. Throughout the letter, I talked about wanting her to see me as a different person, that I was changing for her. Truth is, I'm changing for myself, and for the children. I just hope the ultimate change is a change of heart from her.