I am getting a feeling that WH's A might unraveling and coming to an end; however it appears that WH is continuing to make plans in earnest to live separately from me starting in January. He is also actively looking to teach elsewhere in the next academic year and he is not limiting himself geographically in this respect.

Although the letter that Melody provided sounds very compelling, I feel that by writing it to him now I will come across as a total weeping mess who is willing to forgive him and take him back after the unimaginable pain that he has inflicted to me. Also, once he sees that I am not ready to stay elsewhere when he is staying home, he will make alternate living arrangements and I will not have a chance to implement Plan A at all. I am inclined to wait with writing the letter until I am ready to transition to Plan B and in the meantime, I probably should try to stick to Plan A for the next couple of weeks when I return home. My question is how do I strike a balance between being the person he fell in love with and the victimized wife that I am. I am truly at a loss here.

quo, that letter does not portray you as a weeping mess at all, it expresses your willingness to forgive him and take him back if he meets your conditions. You are laying down your conditions. That is what Plan B is.[except with a separation] That is what Plan A *IS*.

The purpose of Plan A is to negotiate an end to the affair and express a willingness to forgive him and meet his needs in the future. This is something that Dr Harley Chalmers of Marriage Builders often suggests.

Are you saying you are NOT willing to forgive him and take him back if he meets those conditions? Because if its not, then I completely misunderstood your goal.

I guess I am willing to consider forgiving him if he meets my conditions, i.e. stops the affair, feels remorseful about the pain he has inflicted on me, and makes an effort to reconcile. He has not expressed any of this so far. Last time we saw each other I was a weeping mess, so I am reluctant to send him the letter before I actually see him tomorrow night. I am inclined to wait with the letter at least for a couple of days during which I will try my best to be calm, engaging and attractive.

I am concerned that if I let him know too soon as after the exposure that I am willing to forgive him, he will be even further repulsed by me and not likely to be interested in reconciling. Does this make any sense?

No, it doesn't. I know he has not expressed any of that yet, because you have not told him there is a chance. He doesn't know your conditions. He does not see that as an option and that is what this letter will address.

I think what will happen is that he will come home and will be upset when you spring this surprise on him that you are not leaving. That will only cause needless conflict at a time when you need to foster a good impression. quovadis, the purpose of Plan A is to negotiate an end to the affair and present your conditions for recovery. He can't know what your conditions are until you present them. Right now he expects you to be angry and to push him away. He is coming home with the expectation that you will leave since you have not told him otherwise.

This letter will give him pause and help him understand your mindset. Expressing your feelings in a letter is often a great way to get your point across when you are in a highly emotional, volatile situation. This letter calmly expresses your conditions in a loving, non threatening way.

Ok, I did it. I sent him a letter largely similar to what Mel suggested, except it also had a language from Plan B, whereby I told WH that if he does not committ to rebuilding our family and stopping all contact with OW, he needs to move out immediately and can no longer enter our home or see our son on its premises.

Today WH made an unscheduled day trip to the campus, which leads me to believe that he had to see OW. I guess my hunch about the A unraveling was wrong. Tomorrow, he is meeting me at the airport after I return from my one-week visit to my family. Stay tuned.

They might be meeting up to get their stories straight. Did you text the OWH to tell him about this? Good job on sending the letter!

Oh Melody, it is so wonderful to have you there for me every step of the way. No, I did not text OWH about this. I e-mailed him yesterday asking him about news on the home front but have received nothing from him. I am not sure if I want to continue cooperating with him. I know he left two voice mails and like 20 texts on WH's phone - all unanswered of course, which leads me to believe that the reality finally sinks in with OWH and he no longer is in denial about this A. I spoke with WH's father, whom WH called this morning to tell him that the status has not changed and that he is still in love with her, whatever that means.

Do you think I should e-mail OWH about their meeting today?

Oh yes! Even if the OWH doesn't respond, keep him in the loop. That will keep the pressure up on the affairland.

Good job, quovadis!

You might want to plan for alternate transportation from the airport. Just a hunch.

We're all pulling for you, hope things go well this week.

...because you KNOW OW told OWH that she was doing something else during that time period. She told him that she was, um, at the library.

Q. I think the fact that WH is no longer talking about OW moving in with him and that he is now looking for other employment is proof that you have thrown a big wrench into this A.

I'm not surprised however that WH and OW are still trying to sneak around and "fool" everyone. That is what waywards do. That is the basis of their relationship. It is also why we say to trust only what you can verify.

Definitely inform OWH anytime you see suspect activity.

Great job on sending that letter and standing up for yourself and your son.

Ok, I am back home and I have another update. After sending an e-mail to OWH about WH traveling to the school for a potential rendezvous with OW, I received a terse e-mail from OW ("stop contacting my husband, I have access to his phone and e-mail, if you continue contacting him, I will file for divorce, I will not contact your husband again") and OWH ("please stop all contact, I remain in a happy (sic!) marriage with my wife, your husband must stop all contact with my wife, etc.". WH met me at the airport and declared that he wants what is best for our son, which is for WH to stay home. He also committed to minimize the number of nights that he will be spending away from home once the semester starts and instead will commute daily to the school. I am impressed with his resolve to stay in the family. My only complaint is that he is claiming that he is doing this for DS, i.e. for our family, but not for our marriage. I demanded that he commit himself to the marriage and further reaffirm his resolve to never contact OW again. I asked him to e-mail OW and state his intent to never have any contact with her. He told me that I can draft this letter and he will send it to her.

So, I would like to ask my trusted supporters on this site, if there is a sample letter available that I can use for WH's communication to OW. Also, those of you who have recovered post A and exposure, what would your recommendation be for me and WH in re-establishing our relationship? He claims he doesn't love me and is still in love with OW and I cannot control his emotions. Otherwise, it is wonderful to have him home again and DS is absolutely thrilled to see is all together again.

Q, this is very encouraging. Yes, there is a letter - I'll go find it, but knowing Melody she's linking it as we speak That gal is quick on the draw and beats me every time.

Be very clear, though: your WH writes the letter, YOU approve of it and YOU mail it. Send it certified, requiring HER signature so you know she's gotten it. No email. No text. No phone call.

Not good enough. If he needs to be away from home you'll need to go with him. Make sure he knows that.


No complaining and no demanding on these things. He's too deep in the fog for that right now. It's typical for a wayward to say they're doing it 'for the children'. Plan A, Q.

I would print off the emotional needs questionnaire for each of you and go through it. Have you gotten Surviving an Affair yet?

HA! I beat her!

Here you go, Q -

I'll be interested to see what he says when you tell him that YOU'RE going to mail it.

Thank you so much Bliss! I just printed the questionnaire and we are completing it now. I am still waiting for the book.

If he has to spend a night away, you should be WITH HIM. You have to commit to NEVER spend the night apart again. That is STEP ONE.

I would focus on finding a solution to this problem, even if it means him quitting that job or you moving there. In the meantime, you have to be togetehr EVERY NIGHT. Not SOME NIGHTS. EVERY NIGHT. EVERY NIGHT.

What about the OW? Has she quit school? What is being done about that?


I am very dubious and would not settle for this. If he is not doing this for your marriage, then how does that benefit you? Marriage at all cost is not a solution, it is a death sentence.


What is here that makes you hopeful, quovidis? All I see here is a man who is completely uncommitted to his marriage who has probably gone further underground in his affair.

I am not trying to be a wet blanket, quo, but there is nothing here. Like Dr Harley has stated, unless a wayward husband presents himself with sorrow and his hat in hand, he is not sincere. What makes you believe he is serious?

And how do you know this was from the OWH? If the OW is intercepting your messages, then why wouldn't it make sense that she is also responding for him? It makes absolutely NO SENSE that her H would be hostile towards you.

I am pretty certain the messages came individually from each OW and OWH. OWH is much less refined and his writing style is quite different. The reasons for his hostility is that he probably is still in denial and he totally believes OW who insisted that this was purely a friendship and not A. I, with my communications to him containing information to the contrary (OW contacting WH on his cell phone after vowing to OWH never to contact WH again, or meeting WH on campus, keep shattering his fantasy.

I agree that nights apart is not a good option. WH is unable to quit his job and OW is not quitting her studies so they will continue being in the same building during the spring semester. WH is willing to commute to the campus so that he does not spend any nights away from home. He is also looking into teaching elsewhere next academic year, which would distance him even further from OW, but would not be so good for our marriage. I am unable to move because DS is going to be a senior in HS, which is not a good time to uproot him, and we are upsidedown on our mortgage.

Mel, I, too, am concerned with WH reluctance to commit to rebuilding our marriage. My sense is that he is ashamed to admit that after learning that OW is not leaving her husband as a result of my exposure of the A to OWH, WH no longer is so eager to separate. He claims he wants to be back home for the sake of DS and our finances (his 3-week long living in a hotel during our separation created a major dent in our finances). Nevertheless, I am willing to give him a little bit of time to get his bearings in this new situation. Yesterday was the first time we saw each other post exposure 10 days ago. He was pretty angry about my exposing the A to OWH claiming that I risked his life and career, to which I responded by stating that it was he who risked his life and career by engaging in an extramarital affair.

Those of you who have recovered, can you please share your recovery experience? What worked best for you and how your were able to forgive and move on?

I guarantee you, then, that the affair will resume if they are in close proximity to each other. Sorry, but there's hardly ever an easy answer other than the wayward leaving the job if the affair partner is still there.


Melody has a list of recommended "conditions" that the wayward must satisfy for the betrayed to remain in the marriage. I'd give that to your husband and see just how far he flies off the handle.

My opinion? He's no where near ready to quit his affair, he's just running out of options and you're the only one left. Give him that list and, when he refuses or balks or deflects, tell him to leave the house. He must hit bottom before he even thinks of changing, and you must do your part to bring the bottom up to him. Tough love, perhaps. I don't think he's there yet. He's on his way, but he's not there yet.


1. Her leaving the job where OM worked immediately without notice.

2. Exposure and having her family come down on her like a ton of bricks. She knew that OM was not an option that her family would accept.

3. Getting fed up and realizing that I didn't need to be married that badly (and relaying the same to my WW) was the turning point. I told her to either get with the program or file for a divorce, because I REFUSED to live like that any longer.

Your son has the potential for being your biggest ally. Does he know all of what is going on? I'm surprised he isn't on his dad about this.