Hi there, My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years. About three months ago, we went on vacation with two other families, during which one of the couples announced that they were separating after 14 years together. That seemed to send us and the other couple into some type of party-mode, where we began drinking together most nights, going out, having lots of fun, skinny dipping in the hotel pool etc etc. It culminated in the 4 of us hopping into bed together late one night, and I and the other husband ended up having a very brief sexual encounter. We both tried to keep this secret, but we found out several days later, when our text messages to each were discovered. Since that holiday, the four of us have continued socialising, and we have all ended up together many times, with some sex (touching, oral) occuring. This week, I met the other husband secretly, and we had the best sex that I have ever experienced in my life. We are not emotionally connected, we do not want to leave out respective partners, we want to keep and stay in our own marriages... So what does this mean? Perhaps we both have just been married for so long, that we wanted to experience sex with another person that we are attracted to? Whatever the case, this episode of 'no strings attached' sex has come to dominate my every thought. I think of him constantly, and cannot get him and his body out of my bed. I know I cannot contact him (his wife suspects something is not right, but I know she is not happy in the marriage anyway), but I feel such a need to reach out to him, to tell him how I feel, how great that experience of just a few days ago was. I have the opportunity to see him again tomorrow night. If not, I will not get to see him socially for many weeks. How can I resist? How can I let him go, and get him out of my head? I feel like I'm going crazy. Please help me to be strong.

WOW!!

You are so fooling yourself about the emotional attachment.

Do you think his marriage being a mess and him banging you might just somehow be related?

Clearly not no strings attached sex eh?

If you truely don't want to end your marriage you need to come plean with your husband ahd his wife. If you do that, resistance will be much easier I assure you.

Unbelievable....this is marriage builders not marriage destroyers. I agree, come clean and fix your own marriage.

SKK,

From what you write, "no strings attached sex" has already become in your mind "I want strings attached sex and hope he does too."

I agree big time with bigkahuna, a much wiser veteran than me. Come clean before it is too late with your husband and then his wife and never see this OM ever again.

Dear SKK,

You did not post your question on here for nothing. You did it, because deep in your heart you already know the right answer to this question.
Of course you can overrule your most inner self, but you know in your heart of hearts, that continuing on this path will bring you (and others) only sorrow in the long run. And you also know and try not to think about, that in 5 years time you will wish nothing of this had ever happened, but then it will be too late.

Please listen to the little voice deep inside of you, warning you that this is not the right way. If you look at what you wrote, you can clearly see, that you have already begun to silence that quiet voice:
___
this episode of 'no strings attached' sex has come to dominate my every thought.
If it were not strings attached you couldn't be thinking about it.

I think of him constantly, and cannot get him and his body out of my bed.
It is already consuming you and meddling with your clear thinking

I know I cannot contact him (his wife suspects something is not right, but I know she is not happy in the marriage anyway),
You know that what you are doing is not right, but try to justify it by saying their marriage was not worth a thing anyway (how about your own marrige, what would your husband feel?)

but I feel such a need to reach out to him, to tell him how I feel, how great that experience of just a few days ago was.
You want to further your emotional attachtment with him and want to feel that he has equally strong feelings for you as you have for him. How does that relate to 'no strings attached' sex?

I have the opportunity to see him again tomorrow night. If not, I will not get to see him socially for many weeks. How can I resist? How can I let him go, and get him out of my head? I feel like I'm going crazy. Please help me to be strong.
Did not you answer your own question with these last words? You know this is not right, but you are already dependent on the next fix. your primitive brain is telling you to do anything that will light up your reward center. Instead use your analytical brain and ask yourself if this is the way you imagined it to end as you promised for all people to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, for better and worse??I think you will come up with the right answer.

God bless you,

Happyheart

P.S. Do not let the lizard brain fool you into thinking you have to see him one last time to find closure/say goodbye/explain that this cannot go on/fill something in yourself.
You already know that you would fall for him like a dieting woman for the goodies in the chocolate shop. Stay away and do not contact him for the time being, for your sanity.

Why not just call your thread � Can I have my cake and eat it too? My marriage AND good sex? Without working on my marraige or caring about anyone else!

Are you saying that if you don�t care about the guy, then he is worth risking the happiness of two marriages for? Surely nobody is worth risking two marriages for, least of all someone you see as nothing more than stud services.

Plus if what you are doing is not wrong, then why is it secret?
Let me ask you a few things...

Hi there, My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years. About three months ago, we went on vacation with two other families, during which one of the couples announced that they were separating after 14 years together. That seemed to send us and the other couple into some type of party-mode, where we began drinking together most nights, going out, having lots of fun, skinny dipping in the hotel pool etc etc.

I don�t understand this premise � your friends tell you very sad news, so you celebrate with nudity?

It culminated in the 4 of us hopping into bed together late one night, and I and the other husband ended up having a very brief sexual encounter. We both tried to keep this secret, but we found out several days later, when our text messages to each were discovered.

Which is it? Were the four of you in on this or was it a secret you two kept from your spouses? What was their reaction to discovering your texts?

Since that holiday, the four of us have continued socialising, and we have all ended up together many times, with some sex (touching, oral) occuring. This week, I met the other husband secretly, and we had the best sex that I have ever experienced in my life.

Again, which is it? Are the four of you participating in open marriages or are you keeping secrets? Why the secret meeting if you are swingers?

We are not emotionally connected, we do not want to leave out respective partners, we want to keep and stay in our own marriages... So what does this mean? You are discovering the hard way that feelings follow actions. If you act intimately with someone, intimate feelings will follow. If you don�t want him to endanger your marriage, (or endanger his yourself) you must stop this

Perhaps we both have just been married for so long, that we wanted to experience sex with another person that we are attracted to?

Does this make any sense at all? You chose the person you wanted most in the world, have had 19 years to make your relationship steadily better than it was the day you made that decision � and yet you mark that landmark with sex on the side?

Whatever the case, this episode of 'no strings attached' sex has come to dominate my every thought. I think of him constantly, and cannot get him and his body out of my bed.

Someone who dominates your every thought is not �no strings�. He is now a danger to your marriage because you have made him one. You have let him meet very intimate needs, and this has began a lovebank. Read up on the lovebank or 'how affairs start'

I know I cannot contact him (his wife suspects something is not right, but I know she is not happy in the marriage anyway),

Its not really surprising she�s not happy with the sort of friend and husband she has. Really, how would you feel if a friend was plotting against your marriage just to get some good sex?

but I feel such a need to reach out to him, to tell him how I feel, how great that experience of just a few days ago was. I have the opportunity to see him again tomorrow night. If not, I will not get to see him socially for many weeks. How can I resist? How can I let him go, and get him out of my head? I feel like I'm going crazy. Please help me to be strong.

The best way to be strong is to tell your husband and ask him to tell this guys wife. Your foolish actions have caused strong feelings that are now hard to resist. If you don�t make it impossible to see him, by making yourself accountable to your husband, you will just get in deeper and deeper.

SKK, I'd like to see you respond to these fine posts. What say you?

I'll forego the exercise of putting this in the context of your thoughts and feelings and write bluntly from an observer's point-of-view:

You are a liar and a cheater. You are an extremely selfish person. You are actively pursuing self-gratification in a manner that's destructive to everyone you profess to hold dear. You are choosing to act like a rutting animal, devoid of reason and empathy.

You are engaging in activity that will destroy your marriage and cause your husband the worst, and most persistent, emotional pain he will ever experience in his lifetime. Ultimately, you are probably dooming your affair partner, his wife, and yourself to some measure of the same emotional pain.

You've already gone too far to prevent major problems in your life and the lives of everyone involved. The degree you continue to pursue this course of action determines the degree of destruction you'll ultimately bring down on your head and the heads of your "loved ones."

Your only course of action to minimize the damage and provide hope for a future with your husband is to cease all contact with your affair partner and his wife and never see or speak to them again.

You and your husband have chosen very poorly in the type of people you treat as friends and allow into your lives and marriage.

If you care about your marriage, you'll spend a few days fervently studying the material on this web site, then engage the veterans in this forum to guide you in repairing the horrific mess you're making of your life.

This is what is called "emotional attachment". It is virtually impossible to not have it. The best way to be strong is to confess to your spouse that you are cheating on them, quit ALL contact and set tighter boundaries.

You are destroying your marriage.

Nicely put; show it for all the ugliness it is!

No.

That's up to you.
And, besides .....
I smell something musty.

SKK,

during which one of the couples announced that they were separating after 14 years together.

So you fell for a standard line, only in this case two swingers set a trap for you rather than just an OM. He is likely telling his W about the encounters.

Come clean, and then remove this couple and any supporting characters from your life for good, no messaging, no phone, etc.

God Bless
Gamma

It's clearly not just about physical attraction and sex. You are getting pulled into the high of this affair. You might continue down this path. It sounds like you are determined to do so but what you're going to discover (if you haven't already) is that this is going to take over your life and leave total wreckage in it's wake.

I'm lucky because my EA ended when the POSOM started a PA with another woman and left me alone. Seeing what he was doing was repulsive and it let me know in no uncertain terms that I was not special or anything of the sort in his eyes. The bubble popped right then and there.

If there had been an opportunity to kiss, etc, I would have been toast. All those crazy endorphins and it would have been over for me.

Thank goodness temptation ended before I lost my head completely and trashed my whole family.

It's hard work to face your husband with honesty and do the work to clean this up but what's the alternative? Obsessive thoughts and fantasies that blot out the rest of the people you love? Obsession that leads you to the next, sleazy, physical encounter?

Get off the ride now before you lose everything you value in life because if you continue, this WILL destroy it all.

I am SKK. Today, OM & I communicated. We hv agreed to not email each other anymore. We still feel attracted to each other, but hv agreed to a type of "friends with benefits" type of relationship, but only if the opportunity arises. I can hear u all shouting out at me, but "as the opportunity arises" may mean sometime in the next year. Hardly a regular occurance, if at all. He is very analytical, I'm sure he sees me truly as a 'benefit' (he has been faithful to his wife of 16 yrs till now),.so he isn't emotionally involved, I'm sure. Really, what's the harm?? By the way, I love my.husband, we hv gr8 sex & we r working on improving our relationship. Seriously, I won't see OM now for weeks... surely this is kind of ok? I like the potential spice possibility..SKK

Keep deluding yourself sweetheart...

Just don't come crying when ***EDIT***. Which it will.

Why not ask your husband that? Maybe he can shed a little light on that for you.

If there is nothing wrong with what you are dong then just tell your BH what you and the OM have done and plan on doing. What can go wrong with being honest? Especially with a spouse.

You know you are giving your OM more respect then you are giving to your BH. You are putting the OM's needs ahead of your BH. You are sharing secrets with the OM that you refuse to share with your BH.

You are lying to your BH.

You are cheating on your BH.

You are stealing from your BH.

Three time disrespectful to your BH

Then you are letting the OM do all this to your BH as well. You are letting the OM stab your BH in the back. The man you pledged yourself to protect when you said "I do".

I never liked the term Other Man. Because a man does not steal. A man does not cheat. A man does not lie.

At least half a man will do these things to your face. Your OM is just a theif sneaking around behind a man's back.

Well, this statement came from a mouth of a known cheater (liar), did'nt it?