Hello,

I have been married for nine years and three weeks ago my wife said she wants a divorce. she say's she has never felt a connection (which is something, i feel, is untrue). I haven't been the best husband, I must admit but there has never been any cheating on my part. I have been blind to my wifes needs after for nine years and didn't realize it until she was done.

My wife has had a hard life and is in therapy right now. Actually she was doing sand therapy and said she felt different after that session. Her therapist doesn't agree with what she is doing. In a nutshell she has never experienced any freedom and say's she wants to be selfish for now, and has nothing left to give anyone besides our daughter, and is seeing someone. She realizes that asking me to be her best friend is selfish.

She thinks that if she lets me back in we'll be in the same spot in six months, and she doesn't trust me emotionally, and feels nothing for me romantically for me. I'm ashamed of myself for never loving my wife the way a woman should be loved, and I was never the spiritual leader in our relationship. I have seen the error of my ways and want to be a real husband-and yes it took me nine years! Will I truly redeem myself here by sticking by her side, and crying my eyes out, feeling ripped apart (feeling what she felt for 9 years)? Also, she says she's not filing papers out of respect for my feelings. We also have an adopted three year old who knows that there is something going on, and really feel sad that we can't be a true family unit.

i'm not mr. Innocent but what she's doing doesnt sit right with me. The only thing that feels righ to me is to stand by her side and show support-is that pathetic or just someone who loves his wife unconditionally? I feel if i give her hell i'm only going to push her away. Right now she's sick and i'm taking care of her-that man isn't going to do that. Also, she said last night that she misses me and two days ago that she loves me. No one supports her in this and i feel like a fool for still loving her. I've seen it written all over her face that she still has feelings, and doesn't want to hear that our marriage is salvageable. This man is going through a divorce himself- Speaking of this man, she says he had nothing to do with out split and was after the fact.

She get's so so angry that I've found God in my desperation, and that I acknowledge now what I wasn't giving her. My feelings are shame, regret, the deepest love that I have felt for anyone for her, and a real relationship with God. What can I do to show her That I've changed?
My Wife wants a divorce-3 weeks fresh. In a nutshell I've been very closed off and told her whatever she wanted to hear for the duration of our marriage which is 9 years. She thought she had the problem. So, I've been begging her to stop with a divorce-I'll change. For some reason when she said she wanted a divorce I realized how much I had to lose. We have a newly adopted 3 year old daughter, whom we both agree is a gift and was chosen for us.

--this is everything I have stated in my first post--


when I was 17 I formed a dependency to marijuana and acid, and became an addict. Went to a shelter for help and got clean literally-haven't touched a drug for for 12-13 years.
I was in the shower today and had a reflection of my lack of communication, and lack of intimacy, among other things through our marriage and realized that even though I'm clean-I still carry the behaviors. I've never cried so hard in my life, and literally felt a weight lifted off my chest. I thought I was going to vomit it hit me so hard, In the midst of losing my wife I've never had so many emotions and feelings, and I'm grateful for them. I am so ashamed for what I've done to her, and have put her through hell-I am probably feeling the same way she felt throughout. I haven't mentioned this discovery for many reasons, one being she needs actions!! We are still a family and are best friends-seriously.
That being said. She still wants a divorce. "if we get back together I want a clean slate and have the wedding I've always wanted. If not I'll probably never marry again"-her words. I have formed a relationship with God, who has always been there but I wanted a relationship with him/her on my terms.She (wife) can't promise reconciliation for reasons of not wanting to be in limbo. So, I give her her space, don't pry, don't ask her where she is going, and give her respect. When I pray I hear (not audibly) "work on yourself, work on yourself, but don't lose faith, it'll be taken care of". I made a vow to God to always serve my wife-she will always be my wife in my eyes-meaning to not be unfaithful, or date but to work on myself. I am now stuck with the fact that our lack of connection/intimacy, and not giving meaningful answers, not doing all the things that loving husbands should do is the result of unattended addictive behaviors
Any thoughts on this or guidance would be great!

I had to weed through all this superfluous information to get to the real problem. Does this mean she is having an affair?

well, I guess you could call it that. We are still legally married, but to her we are not married?

Ok, you just wrote a post that is 952 words long [I counted!] and only FOUR of the words describe the real problem:

"and is seeing someone"

Your wife is having an affair. That is the problem. And in order to justify her affair she is manufacturing grievances and rewriting history to keep you distracted. This is why she wants a divorce. Sure, your marriage had problems, but the REASON she wants to bust up your family is because she to pursue her adultery.

You are being GASLIGHTED.

THAT is the problem. So if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to man up here and kill her affair.

Who is her adultery partner? Is he married? Do they work together?

don't know him-was a youth leader at her church when she was a kid? she is 28 he is 39...

How did they meet again?

she messaged him on FB, and it was downhill from there

I feel the same but she won't admit it was an affair. How do I kill it? If she's in denial what hell can I do?

Another FB affair! For crying out loud! I'm starting to think that network is the work of the Devil.

d8, what do you know about this guy? Can you see his profile on FB?

i know his name, he is a journeymans electrician-i know the name of his company. he likes to fourwhell, nascar, horseback ride............

If you know his name, google it at www.intelius.com and see what you get back. You might have to pay a buck or two, but if he's married his wife's name should come up on the search return. You need to track down his wife. Also go to his company website and see if it's family-owned.

You can go to your county's auditor's website and plug his name in. See what comes up - he may own property. If so, it will probably show there, depending on how he took title. His wife's name may show, as well.

Also go to your county's public court records website to see if he's been in court for anything.

And saving the easiest for last Just google his name in your browser and see what comes up. It would be especially interesting if he has continued in any type of lay ministry.

Start getting your data together, d8, and we'll help you with what you'll need to do with it.

He is in the divorce process, can't tell if it's family owned. Will do some more research-what is this going to do? went to the county auditor search and found about 10 things

How do you know this? Don't take your WW's word for it - waywards are famous for lying. Also, her OM has more than likely told her that and is lying as well. "I'm getting a divorce" is one of the older wayward lines in the book. Funny thing is, their spouse isn't aware of it!

My marriage was supposedly "over" - it was news to me!

I saw it on a post to family and friends, which I guess doesn't amount-is there a way to look up a file for divorce?

Did you find a website for his company?

What did you find on the auditor's site? Does he own property?

Here's why I've advised you to do this:
1. Company website: if it's a local, small-town company or is family owned, they may take particular exception to their employees behaving immorally. That's good info to know.
2. County auditor: this is going to tell you where he lives if he owns property. If it is jointly owned, that will give you his wife's name.
3. Court records: this will tell you if there are any old or pending divorce actions. Depending on the document, you may also be able to determine if they have children. You may also find any criminal convictions, info which may come in handy.
4. Googling his name: this is a wild card that can bring up just about anything. The more you know about the enemy the better prepared you will be to squash him.

All of this will be important to know when you expose the affair, which is your first critical step in killing it.

you are hardcore-I'll keep digging

That will be in the domestic divison of the online court records. Check all surrounding counties, as well. Is this a local boy? Was he her youth leader at a local church?

yes, but I don't think he's still involved but I'll check

"divorce process" means MARRIED. I would put spyware on her phone and computer and get the evidence of the affair. Then come back here and we will help you with next steps.

We can help you you save your marriage.