I just discovered this site and am finding it really interesting given recent events in my life. I don't know all the right codes and abbreviations to use but here goes my story.

Wife and I have been married for 16 years, two kids. Started drifting apart 4 or 5 years ago, barely noticable at first then getting worse. We developed separate interests, separate friends, etc and progressively started spending less and less time with one another. I had a feeling something wasn't quite right in our relationship but didn't quite know what was happening. There were periodic arguments and fights but we always ended up making up, or sweeping it under the rug as the case may be. Two years ago I find she is secretly exchanging emails with her old boyfriend. He sought her out and they had reconnected through the internet. Not obviously romantic emails, but "chummy" and with a tone of friendliness that disturbed me, especially due to the distance that had grown between us. I have no idea if they ever met in person (I asked her, she denied it), it is doubtful given they live very far apart but you never know, as where there's a will there's a way.

I confronted her and expressed my feelings that I felt this was inappropriate especially since it was being done essentially in secret (I found out quite by accident by literally stumbling upon the emails). She became very defensive and immediately blurted out "he's just a friend" and stated she was entitled to communicate with whomever she pleased. I asked her to stop the private emails and stated that I know we've drifted apart as a couple but wanted to change that fix the things wrong in our relationship, whatever they may be.

Now I may not have been the perfect husband but to that point I had thought our marriage was rock-solid and forever and never had given one seconds thought to anything but being married to my wife. A few days later we talked about it again and she gave me a thinly veiled response that "he is in the past" and I left it at that. Come to find out a few months later she was still emailing him, this time she had switched to a new email account, presumably to avoid being detected but I did find out, again more by happenstance than investigation.

So I called the other guy at his work and told him to stop emailing her, and about two seconds after he hung up the phone, he de-friended her on Facebook. I never said anything to my wife since I wanted to see how or if she attempted to get back into contact with him. She did try but to my knowledge he didn't respond to her, presumably because he thought I would be monitoring her email.

I then set about trying to rebuild our relationship. I got counseling (she refused to attend with me, despite asking her to). I tried to show her more attention, be responsive to her needs, spending more time, etc. All this to little or no avail and the drifting apart continued. She showed little or no interest in spending any appreciable time together and I ended up doing the same by burying myself in other interests and activities. We would literally go all day without talking or texting one another and would barely communicate when I was home. We essentially became roomates.

Fast forward to earlier this year. I end up meeting someone and having an affair. It quickly spins out of control and the guilt and double life ended up consuming me. After several months of this, I announce to my wife I am leaving, want a divorce, and there is someone else, essentally confessing the affair to her. She of course is very angry and from that point forward will not talk with me nor be in the same room as me. I moved out and quickly initiated divorce proceedings.

Then, a couple of weeks into it, I had second thoughts about it all. I had alot of guilt about how I destroyed my family, and through it all, I do still want to be married to my wife and value the time we spent together and still do want to make it work with her. I've ceased seeing the other woman (yes, I've read all the stuff in here about "no contact" and am following the advice) and approached my wife about reconciliation and counseling, to which she has been lukewarm to say the least.

She is still refusing to speak with me, and her proposal is for us to each see the same counselor individually and then together if and only if the counselor thinks we are ready to address each other productively. Personaly I think that's not the best idea but will do it at this point. We wont be able to each see the counselor for several weeks. Right now I am giving her the space she has asked for. I do understand she needs time to go through her anger phase about what's happened but also think that each day that passes without us working on our marriage is a day lost. I've read some of the articles on this site about recovering from infidelity but am curious as to what others think.

She is still refusing to speak with me, and her proposal is for us to each see the same counselor individually and then together if and only if the counselor thinks we are ready to address each other productively. Personaly I think that's not the best idea but will do it at this point. We wont be able to each see the counselor for several weeks. Right now I am giving her the space she has asked for. I do understand she needs time to go through her anger phase about what's happened but also think that each day that passes without us working on our marriage is a day lost. I've read some of the articles on this site about recovering from infidelity but am curious as to what others think.

her proposal is for us to each see the same counselor individually and then together if and only if the counselor thinks we are ready to address each other productively

Getting my wife motivated seems impossible at the moment; she won't engage in any conversation with me whatsoever. I am out of the house and out of sight, out of mind.

Yes, I did move out.

She had a suspected online affair 2 years prior to my affair.

Agree about the timeline...it is completely up to her. It will also be up to her as to whether she takes me back. The only thing I can ask of her at this point is to consider it.