I like the previous suggestion of asking your wife if she'd mind if a trusted friend keep the plaster cast, in case your wife wants it later.
If your wife says "NO!" Then, get rid of it.

I understand that hiring escorts or supporting the porn industry is terrible and destructive to the people that are involved, and it's especially bad when it's a woman who is pregnant. I am ashamed of what I did.

Just as, even for a couple in recovery, POJA should not be used to decide that affair mementos must go, neither should it be used as a way of getting Schlag to do nothing. He must, if he wants to save his marriage, drop the independent behaviour and act on Amy's wishes.

understand that hiring escorts or supporting the porn industry is terrible and destructive to the people that are involved, and it's especially bad when it's a woman who is pregnant. I am ashamed of what I did.

Who cares about the people involved in the porn industry. That's not your job. There is only one woman for you to care for: Amy.

The problem with prostitution is not that it hurts the prostitute. It's that it hurts YOUR WIFE, whom you SWORE to protect.

Do you see the difference?

It's offensive to be talking about their pain and leaving hers out.

You are still protecting what you positively still feel in your mind brings you the most joy. Your positive influences (which need protection) are those that brought you greatest joy lately: Adultery, Pornagraphy, Lying, Deceit, and Blameshifting.

How do you bridge this gap? You understand what is truly important to you. When you grasp this, then you can look at everything else negatively. What is bringing you admiration today? Since Amy is out of the picture, how do you plan to get this need met?

Again - how are you being admirable today?

Schlag - will you please read up on what Dr. Harley calls the contrast effect. Porn is #1. You can hear him discuss it at length on his radio show.

Just as Porn creates a horrible contrast effect, so does the AP and the BW.

It is hard to bridge the gap unless you understand how it was exactly used. It is a dangerous mental game, and it can take years to detox from it.

It is hard to bridge the gap unless you understand how it was exactly used. It is a dangerous mental game, and it can take years to detox from it.

He doesn't write about it often. He talks about it quite a bit on his radio program. Go and download his radio archives. Doormat_no_more, Herpapabear both have posted extensively on this. Read through their threads.

It is hard to bridge the gap unless you understand how it was exactly used. It is a dangerous mental game, and it can take years to detox from it.

Schlag what does that entail? What are your actions?

None of this is relevant, and you are doing Amy and Schlag a disservice by trying to psychoanalyse her feelings about the cast and his feelings for wanting to keep it. None of that matters. Neither the supposed illogic of her request nor the irrelevance of Schlag's sexual impulses matter.

Sure it does. It matters because what may be a trigger now, may not be down the road. For either of them... If it was a sexual impulse thing, just trash it. If it was a trigger (like I had looking at pics of my kids during the A timeframe and wanting to throw them away), then it is highly relevant.

We need to remember that Amy is divorcing Schlag. I think that this might have been forgotten, and some of you are responding as if this is a couple in recovery, where POJA should be used. They are not, and it is irrelevant to Amy right now. If Schlag decides that he has justification for sticking to his guns, because Amy is wrong to ask for what she wants here, she will not go back to the marriage. She has already left it; remember that.

I have not forgotten. I also have not forgotten that she is giving schlag the opportunity to win her back after the D.

Just as, even for a couple in recovery, POJA should not be used to decide that affair mementos must go, neither should it be used as a way of getting Schlag to do nothing. He must, if he wants to save his marriage, drop the independent behaviour and act on Amy's wishes.

No one's suggested he do nothing. In fact we are encouraging him to think things through and not "just do". I agree, he needs to drop the IB. Not suggesting he doesn't. In fact, POJA'ing if she's willing is not IB, it is a joint consideration.

She is divorcing him; once again, remember that. If he is happy for that to happen, or if he merely accepts its inevitability, then Schlag can fulfil his own desires and ignore Amy's, but if he is fighting to bring her back as he says he is, then he must do as she asks and he must not disrespectfully judge her by telling her that she does not know what she really wants, or act independently by overriding her express wishes about an affair trigger.

Again, no one has suggested this (to my knowledge). Remember that restitution has to be fair restitution. The cast isn't an affair item. It was something they did together. Hence the suggestion they openly and honestly discuss the possibility of a POJA (which is not one person convincing another, but both jointly coming to an enthusiastic agreement on it).

You are not helping him win her back by giving him cod-psychoanalytic reasons for disregarding her wishes.

If you feel the advice is not MB advice (you know, POJA-ing) notify a moderator.

CV

He doesn't write about it often. He talks about it quite a bit on his radio program. Go and download his radio archives. Doormat_no_more, Herpapabear both have posted extensively on this. Read through their threads.

So as long as a man views pornographic images of adult women who freely give their consent, what's the fuss all about? The most commonly expressed problem with pornography is given by wives. They see it as a form of infidelity, with their husbands having a sexual experience outside of their marriage. And I believe that they're right. Pornography represents a sexual experience to men that is with someone other than their wives.

I'd be opposed to a particular husband viewing pornography if there was absolutely nothing wrong with it except that it made his wife feel uncomfortable. Any violation of the Policy of Joint Agreement should be avoided. But there are reasons to avoid it, even when a wife enthusiastically agrees to it. One of the most important is known as the "contrast effect."

If you compare one sexual experience with another, the more stimulating experience will make the less stimulating experience seem boring in comparison. If you compare one naked woman with another, the one who's more physically attractive will make the less physically attractive woman appear to be unattractive. That's why I caution men to avoid pornography because it's unfair to his wife to be compared to an 18-year-old girl who has been specially selected for her physical assets.

A contrast effect is the enhancement or diminishment, relative to normal, of perception, cognition and related performance as a result of immediately previous or simultaneous exposure to a stimulus of lesser or greater value in the same dimension. (Here, normal perception or performance is that which would be obtained in the absence of the comparison stimulus�i.e., one based on all previous experience.)

Contrast effects are ubiquitous throughout human and non-human animal perception, cognition, and resultant performance. A hefted weight is perceived as heavier than normal when "contrasted" with a lighter weight. It is perceived as lighter than normal when contrasted with a heavier weight. An animal works harder than normal for a given amount of reward when that amount is contrasted with a lesser amount and works less energetically for that given amount when it is contrasted with a greater amount. A person appears more appealing than normal when contrasted with a person of less appeal and less appealing than normal when contrasted with one of greater appeal.

A simple physical way of illustrating perceptual contrast is to put one hand into hot water and other into cold water, then move them both to lukewarm water. The cold hand will feel hot and the hot hand will feel cold.