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Schlag, it sounds like you are getting it. Glad to hear that you are reading SAA. Please do as MelodyLane suggests and get into the MB show archives. In addition, you can listen live every day to each show as it comes out. Don't do it as "time permits." This is the most important priority in your life, right? Block out time for your recovery work FIRST, make everything else second. We're not going to [smooth over Amy's reactions] for you. Your redemption involves you changing the way you live so that you don't provoke these negative emotional reactions in the future. That's what I am figuring out how to do right now. It's hard. Yes it is. It is also achievable. You probably need lots of help. Do not half-[censored] this. Get in touch with Dr. Harley again. What is going on on that front?
I'll have to access it from home. Not alot of time to do it from there in the evenings but I'll make it happen.
The other huge issue is that I've come to a point at work where having accountability on my work computer is not going to be possible. At least not on a level that would make Amy feel safe. She is not concerned with that because she doesn't want a marriage with me anymore, but she is still concerned with my EPs in place to protect me and others from myself. So I only have rules and regulations and possible negative consequences as deterrence to doing things at work. I don't have the ability to monitor or block internet usage.
And I know everybody here will say "Get another job" but it's not possible. Amy expects to be supported after the divorce at our current income level. It will be hard enough splitting our income between two households. She is not willing to move somewhere with a lower cost of living. And there is no other work for me to do around here with even close to the same income and benefits. Especially in this economy.
So, I have to rely on my own change and my own personal boundaries to protect myself and others from doing what I've done in the past.
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I have that issue with the rebroadcasts sometimes on my computer. They come up in a pop-up window that might be blocked.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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[
And I know everybody here will say "Get another job" but it's not possible.] Why is it not possible?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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**edit**
Last edited by Fireproof; 12/02/11 08:10 PM. Reason: TOS disruptive
Me - WW/BW - 49
Him - CGIR - WH/BH 49
Married 27 years, together 33 (HS sweethearts)
No kids
DDay #1 - 1989 EA co-worker
DDay #2 - 2004 internet porn
DDay #3 - July 2006 EA different co-worker
DDay #4 - Aug. 2006 EA with OW #2 was actually a PA
DDay #5 - Sept. 2010 False recovery - H dishonest about both affairs and porn usage
DDay# 6 - Sept. 26, 2010 - Full disclosure - 1989 EA was actually a PA and lasted one year. 2006 PA more extensive than originally thought. 1992 ONS with prostitute.
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A reminder to posters to help this poster find solutions that are in line with Marriage Builders principles or refrain from posting! This poster is here to learn about Marriage Builders, not personal philosophies. This thread has been threadjacked enough!
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So, I have to rely on my own change and my own personal boundaries to protect myself and others from doing what I've done in the past. Schlag, I do not view this as a workable plan, because you have demonstrated that your boundaries are complete unreliable. You're in no position to negotiate.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I'm not able to get through to the rebroadcasts with my work internet. And I wanted to review my call-in before talking to Dr Harley again so I can give a clearer more accurate picture of what's going on. Alot of truth has come out in the month since I was on the show. This is a liar's habit, Eric. You don't need to listen to the previous broadcast. Just give an accurate picture of how things are NOW. A liar would be the kind of person who would want to look at the story he told last time, to make sure he doesn't contradict anything. And if he'd been exposed in some lies, he'd still want to check, so he could avoid revealing any additional lies that he still wanted to keep secret. Drop this habit. It's part of becoming someone who is not a liar.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Schlag, the fact that you are still here engaging with us shows that you can do this.
But your marriage is on life support because you have massive work to do.
We can help by pointing out to you when you are not actually following the plan.
Please pay attention to this: it is vitally important that you move heaven and earth, jump over every obstacle, to follow these suggestions. Don't post about why you can't do stuff, use everything at your disposal to find ways to make it happen anyway. Find a way to listen to the show anyway. Contact Dr. Harley NOW, don't post reasons why you're waiting. Get out of your dangerous line of work ASAP and get into something that makes you a safe husband.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Amy expects to be supported after the divorce at our current income level. Frankly, the courts can handle that. Should you find yourself in that situation, you can work with vocational counselors and other experts to bring up your income level. I have some great employment literature I could share for you off board sometime, but now is not the time.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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This is a request for posters to stop disrupting this thread. Please familiarize yourselves with Dr Harley's concepts and stick to posting MB advice. We want to see both of you heal. We care about your marriage and you guys. CV
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[
And I know everybody here will say "Get another job" but it's not possible.] Why is it not possible? Amy expects to be supported after the divorce at our current income level. Frankly, the courts can handle that. Should you find yourself in that situation, you can work with vocational counselors and other experts to bring up your income level. I have some great employment literature I could share for you off board sometime, but now is not the time.
I am still making mistakes as recent as a few days ago. I engaged in independent behavior by making a copy of her maternity pics to keep for later. Well, after the last few pages of this thread about having a choice between independent behavior and my marriage, I came clean today to Amy and apologized and told her I had a copy and I'd bring it home for her to destroy. I'm becoming the man I want to be, but it's taking too long and she is sick of two steps forward one step back and wants me out of the house because I keep screwing up.
Last edited by Schlag; 12/03/11 12:33 AM.
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Each time a thought comes into your mind about how you want to make a decision for Amy, you believe Amy is making a bad decision, or you try to manipulate the situation for your gain, then please STOP what you are doing and post it here first.
If ever you are unsure about anything - STOP and post it here first. It is better to have 24 hours to make a decision, then have a decision made that causes harm.
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Well, itstoughlove, that doesn't really work when Amy reads my thread lol
I've been having a tough time the last week as Amy has been active on a dating website and messaging quite a bit with one guy in particular. She talks about it to me and I walked by and saw that she had written a really long paragraph to him. She makes comments like "he says the age of our kids was his favorite age" and "at least you can know that whoever I choose will be someone that loves kids" and stuff like that.
Yesterday we went used our annual passes at Disney one last time before they expire, and all day instead of enjoying the time all I could think about was her falling in love with someone else before I could show her the new me. And also how it would be the last time we would be together at Disney as a family after so many happy times there. I remember a few years ago the snow falling after the holiday fireworks and crying for joy at how happy I was - and last night as the snow fell I weeped out of grief that I had done this to my family and we would likely not be together next Christmas.
I'm supposed to be focusing on doing what I can do to ease HER pain, which she and our counselor say is to explain to her who I was this whole time she's been married to me, because she has just found out that I haven't been the person she thought all these years. But all I can focus on is my sorrow over the pain I've caused, and my own grief that she is going to be going out and dating these men who have a fresh slate and gigantic contrast effect in every way. All Amy could say about that was "well, you are the father of my kids and we have a history. Being with you is comfortable - dating is going to be awkward."
I guess I don't know what I'm asking - just any thoughts, suggestions, words of encouragement. I feel like I'm plan-A'ing my betrayed spouse instead of the other way around. (Since she's the one going out for another relationship and not interested in staying together.)
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We advise each spouse to stay off each other's threads. That way you can get the help you need.
We will advise Amy on her thread with issues related to you. If she insists on reading your thread, then we can work with her concerning the radical honesty aspect of it.
It is more important you be radically honest, then continue the protective liar behavior.
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We advise each spouse to stay off each other's threads. That way you can get the help you need.
We will advise Amy on her thread with issues related to you. If she insists on reading your thread, then we can work with her concerning the radical honesty aspect of it.
It is more important you be radically honest, then continue the protective liar behavior.
At what point should we stop talking about the affair and details of it? I feel like she's got a good picture of what happened and now she's just wanting me to dig for more details that don't really give a clearer picture of things, just hurt her unneccessarily and give her more triggers. At what point does the re-living the past end and the trying to live the future begin?
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I guess I don't know what I'm asking - just any thoughts, suggestions, words of encouragement. I feel like I'm plan-A'ing my betrayed spouse instead of the other way around. My encouragement for you is that this is a good thing. For the record, men can be highly successful at Plan A. If you will be very, very diligent to follow the program here TO A T! and get the help you need to follow it, then it is extremely likely that your wife will fall in love with you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Find a way to listen to the show anyway. Contact Dr. Harley NOW, don't post reasons why you're waiting. Done this, yet?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am still making mistakes as recent as a few days ago. I engaged in independent behavior by making a copy of her maternity pics to keep for later. Well, after the last few pages of this thread about having a choice between independent behavior and my marriage, I came clean today to Amy and apologized and told her I had a copy and I'd bring it home for her to destroy. I'm becoming the man I want to be, but it's taking too long and she is sick of two steps forward one step back and wants me out of the house because I keep screwing up.
Schlaaaaaaag! Why are you still doing these things? C'mon man! This is just senseless! We just went through this whole pregnancy attraction thing and you did that? Look. You simply have to stop hording pictures for sexual gratification. Don't objectify Amy by copying pics. You got a short learning curve here and you are veering off the course. It's taking too long because you are still doing whatever you want. CV
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Find a way to listen to the show anyway. Contact Dr. Harley NOW, don't post reasons why you're waiting. Done this, yet?
I am still making mistakes as recent as a few days ago. I engaged in independent behavior by making a copy of her maternity pics to keep for later. Well, after the last few pages of this thread about having a choice between independent behavior and my marriage, I came clean today to Amy and apologized and told her I had a copy and I'd bring it home for her to destroy. I'm becoming the man I want to be, but it's taking too long and she is sick of two steps forward one step back and wants me out of the house because I keep screwing up.
Schlaaaaaaag! Why are you still doing these things? C'mon man! This is just senseless! We just went through this whole pregnancy attraction thing and you did that? Look. You simply have to stop hording pictures for sexual gratification. Don't objectify Amy by copying pics. You got a short learning curve here and you are veering off the course. It's taking too long because you are still doing whatever you want. CV
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I am still making mistakes as recent as a few days ago. I engaged in independent behavior by making a copy of her maternity pics to keep for later. Well, after the last few pages of this thread about having a choice between independent behavior and my marriage, I came clean today to Amy and apologized and told her I had a copy and I'd bring it home for her to destroy. I'm becoming the man I want to be, but it's taking too long and she is sick of two steps forward one step back and wants me out of the house because I keep screwing up.
Schlaaaaaaag! Why are you still doing these things? C'mon man! This is just senseless! We just went through this whole pregnancy attraction thing and you did that? Look. You simply have to stop hording pictures for sexual gratification. Don't objectify Amy by copying pics. You got a short learning curve here and you are veering off the course. It's taking too long because you are still doing whatever you want. CV Getting your act together and stopping this independent behavior. Calling Joyce is good. Now make sure you do everything she advises you.
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