Thanks HerPapaBear. I saw the counsellor today and we talked about this. One of her concerns is that the children don't even have a grasp of romantic relationships and therefore would not understand the depth of the betrayal. She says that she has worked with families for 20 years and about age 16 is the youngest that she has seen children understand this kind of issue and been able to deal with this revelation.

I understand what you mean by the horror of my children finding out from someone else and yes, that concerns me. But I haven't lied to them and pretended that this isn't a serious issue. I have just said that it is an adult issue. I have reinforced to them that it is sinful and they understand that. They know the pastor and elder are involved and they respect them both and this has, I am sure, helped them recognize the seriousness of the issue.

I am not trying to be stubborn. But I am honestly concerned about the necessity of the details.

And if they hear it from someone and come to me, then yes, I would talk about it. Really, it is weighing two evils here - for me it feels like a lose lose situation. Either I tell them and overwhelm the with these adult details or someone potentially says something and I confirm it. Both seem bad.

My daughter said to me "did Daddy leave because he told you to shut up?" That is how innocent they are. I said, "honey, people do not ask their husband to move out because he used bad language. It is only done for very very serious sinful situations. In the hope that Daddy will ask God to forgive him and he will turn from his sinful ways."

This situation is between my husband and I. This is a marital issue. I don't understand how it become a father child issue. And I can tell you, I have learned some pretty personal information about people over the years through inappropriate disclosure or gossip and I have a hard time separating those people from that information... and I am an adult. I can only imagine what it would do to a young child.

Anyway - all that to say, unless God really lays it on my heart that they should know, I feel I need to protect them from it.

Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience specializing in infidelity. Your therapist does not know what she is talking about. As a child I was lied to about my father's affairs and I concluded that I was the source of the problem. It caused enormous moral confusion and self doubt.

SP, please keep in mind that most therapists are unqualified when it comes to infidelity and this therapist is no different. Dr Harley is a credentialed psychologist who specializes in infidelity. [he has written 18 books on marriage and families]

And yes, you have lied to them about the source of tension in their home. For absolutely no rational reason other than to whitewash the crimes of their father. That is harmful to all of you. It also leaves your children vulnerable to his lies. I assure you that your H won't hesitate to tell them lies.

Please be assured there is no justification whatsoever for lying to your children about this, SP. Dr Harley is right.

Children as young as 4 understand the concept of adultery, concept of marriage, and it's effect on marriage. They grasp it quite well. They very much do understand the depth of the betrayal.

My suggestion would be to show your therapist why Dr Harley advocates telling the children so she can learn why this is so important.


That is so sad that you would continue confusing your daughter in this way. She cannot make any sense of what you say. Her life has been turned upside down and these convoluted, dishonest explanations just make it worse. What you have said makes no sense to an adult, how could it possibly make sense to a child?

I understood adultery quite well when I caught my mother at it at 13. Even with a partial understanding at an earlier age, I think it would've been vital to know the truth. Young children are particularly bad about thinking they are the cause of marital strife ,so I'm told.

WE have had parents tell children as young as 4 and 5 frm this forum and they did quite well. I remember being very confused at age 4 about my fathers adultery. Children instinctively know right from wrong and when those instincts are not validated, it just causes great confusion. Many children grow up believing they are the cause of the problems when unbelievable, preposterous explanations are given.

I don't understand why I am being accused of lying and giving dishonest explanations. Everything I have said to them is true.

1. Their father has done something very bad.
2. Their father has done something sinful
3. Mommy had to ask daddy to leave because she will not tolerate what he is doing anymore
4. Mommy asked daddy to leave because this is a very serious issues
5. Mommy hopes that daddy will ask God to forgive him and that he will turn from this sinful behavior.

How is any of this lying?!

Okay - next week I will take Dr. Harley's explanation. Where do I find that on the site?

You have given them completely false, confusing, convoluted explanations about why their parents are separated. None of the reasons cited here make any sense. They don't make sense to an adult so I am unclear how a child is expected to make sense of them.

Those explanations almost seem to TEASE them by giving them vague adjectives with no facts. "Oh, its real, real bad!! But I won't tell you WHAT is bad." tease, tease... That is just adding to the confusion. almost like playing head games with them.

How about telling your kids the truth and commence with the confusion? Kids can deal with the truth. Why add to the problems?

Do you not see how confused your daughter is? Why add to that?

Just to help break that bubble, my youngest was 14 when we exposed to them and he understood perfectly. Kids know...

CV

MelodyLane, I am trying really hard. I am beaten down by my circumstances, barely able to make it through the day. You obviously have a very strong opinion about disclosure and children. I haven't come to the same one.

My children are precious to me. And as I watch my world crumble before my eyes, I trying desperately to make the right decisions.

Being bullied and criticized as I am trying to understand this is not helping me. I am working through this. These are very important decisions in my mind and someone shaking their finger at me telling me I am a liar and my counsellor is unqualified because she hasn't written 18 books is inappropriate.

I am happy to see by your profile that your relationship recovered. I hope that is my story one day too - but I was hoping to come on here and have someone throw me a life vest or two in these choppy waters, not flat out criticize my swimming strokes!

Sweet Potato,

hang in there. We understand your exhaustion, frustration, fear and desire to do right. Some of us are more direct than others, but we all share a desire to see you recover. Please don't be offended by criticism. It is directed to help, not hinder you.

Exposure is essential to the kids. It helps them understand that mom isn't just throwing dad out because Dad messed up. That's a horrible thought for a kid to carry... That if they do something...anything wrong, mom might send them away too. It sends home the severity of what Dad has done. It takes the burden off the kids so they aren't blaming themselves. It is also modeling strong boundaries for them and educating them about dealing with sin head on rather than covering it up. By exposing, you are telling your kids what behavior is right, and what is wrong in a marriage. It is part of that preparation for them when they get older. We don't want our kids thinking its ok to hide things, but to bring problems to light and deal with them openly and honestly.

Think about it, ok? It's important stuff the folks here are telling you.

CV

SP, we ARE throwing you a life vest!! But supporting you in the deceit of your children is NOT support. It is not supportive of your children and not supportive of you. It is not supportive of anyone for any reason. It only adds to the confusion. Their life is confusing enough right now, why add to that?

You can check out Dr Harley's credentials here: Dr. Harley

You can even call him on weekdays on his one hour radio show and ask him why he advocates telling children the truth. here

I have posted this before but I will post it again. These are just some of Dr Harley's quotes about being honest with your children:

here



here

here

You have received straight advice from some of MB's best posters. I have just one thing to add:

A wayward becomes very nearly like a different person with different motivations from those who are not wayward. That's why MB often refers to a wayward as an "alien." That's what they seem to become.

When my FWH fell in love with his OW, he was planning (in the typical disjointed wayward way) to leave me in a year or so to be with his OW and never seeing our daughter and grandchildren, whom he had loved greatly up until the time of his adultery. He also planned on never seeing his parents or siblings again. He was going to make a complete break.

Adultery IS an attack on the children, too. I totally understand wanting to protect your little ones from the ugliness of your WH's adultery, but they do understand sin. They need to understand the battle.

Please understand that what you are interpreting as personal attacks are from people who have gone through what you are now going through and know what it's going to take to have a chance at winning this battle. This board is very compassionate but not in a let's hold hands and hug each other sort of way. It's compassion with a battle plan.

What you are getting here is a plan that has come about from years of research and experience on the part of Dr. Harley.

This is my wife's thread, I think you will find it helpful....

Please read it, and keep in mind that our kids were 6, 8, 10, 13, 17 when this all started....

SexyMamaBears Thread

Sweet_Potato, I'm very concerned that your answer to your daughter has left her with the idea that her father has done something criminal and will land in jail. That will only make her anxiety worse.

I know that you're opposed to telling your children and I understand your concern. However, at this point I believe it's more damaging to keep secrets. You just need to say that Daddy has been acting like he's married to another woman instead of Mommy. No more details than that are needed.

Sorry Kirby, I disagree. I don't think that all she needs to tell her children is, "Daddy has been acting like he's married to another woman instead of Mommy." That ISN'T enough. What does that mean to a young child? What needs to be said is that what Daddy is doing is wrong. That Mommy is willing to forgive daddy, but only after Daddy stops with all of his wrong behaviour because it harms mommy. It hurts the family. That Daddy told women that he wanted to leave mommy, and the family to love with them. That you don't date someone while you are married. That it is wrong to date someone who is married(you may as well throw this one out there to teach your children not to become OP themselves).

I told my children. I am quite honest with them. It also helps because they are exposed to OW. They know that what Daddy is doing is wrong. They still love him. But they KNOW that it had NOTHING to do with them. They are much better off. They of course dealt with a lot of emotions getting to where they are now, but I am CERTAIN that it would have been much worse had they not known the truth. Also, this allows me to tell them that if they ever thought about having an affair, I would kick their butts. Although, they even know about MB, and I tell them that in their cases, they should have GLORIOUS marriages, since they will have all of these resources from the start.

Tell your children. It's the right thing to do.

Scotty, you've done it the right way. My kids are older and I certainly told them about the OW and they know how wrong their father was.

Based on Sweet_Potato's other posts, I know that she'll go on to tell her kids that those actions were sin and didn't have anything to do with the children and all of those other things that a good parent tells the kids. She's just gotten it stuck in her head that the children shouldn't know why the marriage is falling apart. I was trying to encourage her to get it out there.

Sweet_Potato, here's another reason why you should tell the kids. I know a young man whose parents got divorced when he was a teenager. He thinks that both his parents were just being silly, selfish, and unforgiving over small things and that's why the marriage failed. You know, they "grew apart" because that was the story put out for the public. He lost respect for his mom AND his dad. Actually, his dad had an affair and that's why his parents divorced. If his mom had been open and honest with him, he might have a decent relationship with one of his parents instead of being distant from both of them.

Ok im 40 and I knew what a boyfriend was at 5. That was back before sex was ok on tv as long as they didn't show the actual parts involved. Your children will understand if you explain that god says it is not ok to have a girlfriend when you are married that your wife is your only girlfriend after that and daddy has a new girlfriend.

You told daddy to move out because of that.

This is EXACTLY what has happened to my current husband. His Xwife left him for an affair. This was kept a secret. TO THIS DAY, the adult children resent my husband for leaving them over "issues." They don't understand that he was driven off and dumped over their mother's affair.

There is another MAJOR reason to tell your kids, Sweetpotato. It will be a HUGE WAKE UP CALL for your kids to confront your husband about his despicable marriage wrecking behavior. Can you imagine the shock of your 10 year old facing him and asking "YOU ARE BREAKING UP OUR FAMILY OVER THIS?? OVER THIS??" Your kids have every right to exact an explanation from him. And they do not deserve false explanations. They deserve the truth.

Children as young as FOUR understand what adultery means. They are not confused by facts, they are confused by incomprehensible, convoluted explanations.

SP,

Your emotions are raw. You are exhausted from this unending battle. You are weary and need rest.

You are unable to have that rest because you are holding it all together�not just for yourself�but for your 3 children. I am so sorry that you are carrying this burden. It is not the way it is supposed to be.

I know that some days you can barely put both feet on the floor and face the day. But you do it anyway. You muster the strength only because you think of your children, and you know that you MUST face the day.

Your concern is for their well-being, that they suffer the least amount of harm from the awful destruction your WH is causing. You know he is blind to it. But you see it up close and personal, don�t you? You witness all those things that cut through their hearts, over and over, at the hands of the man who should be their protector. And you just wish you could protect them�stop anything else from hurting them.

But my dear sister (in Christ), you cannot protect them from the destruction of adultery. The only way they can be protected from this is for their father to have never been wayward.

They ARE going to suffer.

And it is and will break your heart even more.

But what does someone need when they must face the darkness? When there is no road around the hurt?

They need that one person whom they know they can trust to be there for them always and to be honest with them.