Chicka,

How many of tour triggers progress in this fashion;

X date is approaching, last year H was doing Y, it related to frankenskank in Z manner...

While there are connections, there are steps between X and Z. Sometimes when you trigger, there may be several steps of association between X and Z.

H did X, the last time H did X, it was for reason B, B existed to cover up action K, which was because H was doing Z with Frankenskank.

The best thing you can do for yourself, is to STOP at X. When you allow your thinking to continue through the lines of association, it will end at Frankenskank every time. Our minds are EXPERT at creating associations, it's one of our better tools to commit things to memory. The more associations, the stronger the memory, the stronger the memory, the easier it is to build associations.

The second thing; you might notice that you will roll through these associations when you are bored or depressed, and not busy. I have lived with depression for a long time. During a depressive episode, I have noticed that my mind will actively search for memories associated with being depressed. Before D-day, it just made me feel crazy, since I believed I had nothing to be depressed about.

Now? WHOOPEE!Great big hole in my heart. But, I have not lost that ability to recognize the FEELING of depression BEFORE my mind starts trying to associate a memory. My plan of attack is then as follows; engage in some activity which is fun and distracting with NGB, or (if she is unavailable) engage in one of my favorite activities. If one activity doesn't work, I try another until I am engaged enough that my mind quits digging for depressing memories.

very creative ideas, thank you. i am just not feeling that i always need to be the one with the creative ideas. i dont know- i may take a pass on gifts, i would feel too guilty getting a chia pet. just me.

cv- wow those are some gifts! jerky boy is pretty creative, just not that thought provoking, but we will see....

HHH- you couldnt have said what i am feeling any better. I will try and stop at X, but my mind is busy all the time. one of my biggest problems is that i remember everything, its a bit sick. i have tried mindless activites but that doesnt work.

i am a bit obsessive so when i get something in my brain it doesnt stop..

so i wrote this list of things that keep rolling thru my brain, and asked H to respond. he got sad, and said i thought we were doing good and you were happy. he automatically thinks because i wrote my thoughts/questions/triggers i am unhappy. so now i feel better i got my questions/thoughts/triggers out and he feels sad that i am feeling this way. and he gets down.

its exhausting....

chickadee1,

I haven't posted to your thread but I have followed it all the time, and your husband's now that he's also posting. Just a little encouragement to you -


This is quite similar we used to have. One feels better, another one gets down, true rollercoater of emotions. But over the past 2,5 yrs in recovery I have learned to take this rationally - when I repeat over and over to myself that this is GOOD information for BETTER I am not that upset anymore and I'm able to look it as exploring my H's feelings and thoughts, and how can I support him better, because all together, his down-moments are my doing and I should be able to take them and be there for him, also share my moments too (we are both FWS's, and to be radically honest, my H has been much better shoulder to cry on than I have been).

My H says that "All is very well when I look at you now. Just the past doesn't let go that easily". This in fact is good information: I get reassurance that I'm doing OK now with meeting his needs, and another one that I need to be there for him and also make sure my boundaries and EPs will stand firm. Your list of thoughts/questions/triggers - even if they make you unhappy - is a good and also vital information FOR him to accommodate you better.

@cv,

You can end the quote from the original poster by typing "[/quote]" before the start of your comments, then [quote] again afterward if you want to comment further inline. Readability is difficult when your comments are interspersed in the quote from the previous poster, even though you do use a different color.

Not to be a butt, BUT(!) I would then suggest mindful activities. Things which require thought and concentration.

" before the start of your comments, then
Duly noted!

CV

more christmas crap...

so some family is coming from out of town and gathering for the holiday. i called and asked if H was welcome, i got the sense he wasnt. and i got the well you know its hard and unconfortable blah blah... but what every you want to do.....

so what to do??

i go alone and see family- doenst make me or H feel good
i go with H- make everyone uncomfortable
i call and tell them sorry not coming- and this will open a whole can or worms or not and just close it forever.

reminder.. they havent really reached out to me i olive branched them.

i can see where they are coming from the are very mad a H. but this just stinks!

When we went back home for a visit in the spring, there was only one couple who knew of H's adultery. I confided in my female friend a great deal over the course of the recovery period. She really hurt for me and with me; nevertheless, because they wanted to support our recovery efforts, they invited us over for a visit, which included a bike ride on the beach. We all were a little stressed over the initial "hellos" and all that.

These were mutual friends who supported me in this time, but my H was nervous and embarrassed. They took my cue; as long as we were in the process of recovering our marriage, they wanted to support us and still be friends with us.

The bike ride was a pleasant activity which kept conversation from getting serious or awkward. We agreed ahead of time that we would not be discussing the affair or anything about the marriage at all. Just fun stuff that was enjoyable for all of us.

It really helped to start building those bridges to get in with both feet but with an understanding with my friends first about how we would handle this first visit post-A.

Sooo....if you both enthusiastically agree that you want to visit these folks as a couple, then you probably ought to give them a heads up, tell them you are working on recovering your marriage and that you really appreciate their support. They don't have to like what your H did; they don't really have to like him for now. But they should know they will need to be courteous and pleasant in order to help build those bridges back to full friendships.

I agree that you should tell them this.

Go now, get it over with so that next year won't be awkward as well. It'll only be for a few hours (right?) and, shoot, just go for a little while and leave after a reasonable amount of time. If you go, it'd be nice if you kept by his side so that he's not "alone" with the wolves if you know what I mean.

You know how we sometimes think the worst of things and then, when we're in them, they aren't as bad as we thought. I doubt anyone will make a stink. Many will probably pretend nothing is wrong and go along to get along.

I agree getting it over with sooner than later is best, but i am getting the sense and have heard that they dont think he will ever change and they think i should dump him.

so they are not in on my recovery plan at this time.

i almost just dont want to go, i would hate to make them uncomfortable at the holiday time and i would only be doing it to get it over with so so speak.

our friends have been better-- this is my family, ugh.

That your husband is willing to go at all speaks volumes. But, I can really see your side of it, that's for sure. Stupid holidays!

You know them best, but I'd just say that if you don't go now, then it'll be even harder next time.

You're right--some people just won't get over some things. It stinks, but if you look at it as them caring about you then it helps sometimes--it does for me, at least.

What if y'all just said you were going for a little while and then, afterward, to something that you'd both really enjoy? Some new tradition, maybe.

-we didn't do Holidays with extended family for the first few years. Nor did we do reunions for four years. This year is really the first year we have gone to all family events. It was not any more difficult.......

You could do something totally different this year. Sometimes when we wanted to get out of the crazy merry-go-round of Christmas gatherings, tons of food, and the obligatory gift-giving, we'd just go out of town on a trip. It was wonderful.

Was just listening to an old Christmas song, something it about being "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year." And we wonder why the expectations for this season are so high.

so had a convo with family member last night, she is very po'ed at H and doesnt know if she will get over it, i said ok then i am going to take a pass on christmas. and i felt good about that.

this AM i really got a very touching note from her apologizing and accepting our plan of recovery, not happy but will try. she asked that i reconsider.

this is exhausting

Remember that, in a strange way, her being mad is a compliment--it means she cares about you a good deal.

This time next week, Christmas will be over and this will all be behind you.

makes me wonder why exposure to people who love you is worth it... just makes your family mad and creates awkward feelings when you're trying to rebuild your relationship.

chickadee, has your husband apologized to them for hurting you and assured them he won't do it again? When my H had his affair my mother and sister would not let him darken their doorsteps. My sister said "I HATE HIM" with seething rage. My DH suggested we cut off my family and I decided that I was not going to LOSE ONE MORE THING. I WOULD BE DAMNED IF I WOULD PUNISH MY FAMILY FOR HIS BAD BEHAVIOR. He would have to man up and fix the problem because I was not going to lose my family and I was not going to hide out from my family because he was too much of a punk to face them.

Well, he manned up and apologized to my mother and sister and assured them he would not harm me again. After a few years of putting his money where his mouth is, they have not only forgiven him, but they ADORE him. He and my mother are great friends who enjoy each other immensely.

Facing my family like a man did a great deal in helping my husband recover on a personal level. And it deposited enormous love bank deposits that he acted in a manly way in facing up to what he did.


It didn't create any awkward feelings for ME, the betrayed spouse, at all! In fact, I felt SUPPORTED and cared for by my family in my time of greatest need. That is all that counts.

Did my WS husband feel "awkward?" You bet your [censored] he did. As he should have! He should have felt very awkward about the despicable thing he did to me in front of my family. But my husband faced them like a man and apologized. That is how big boys act. Punks can go home..

It can also help provide support for rebuilding, show that family cares more than you thought and holds both the WS and BS accountable...

CV

i agree they do care for me and they have a right to be mad.

H has not spoke to my fam about it, the occassion has not presented itself. but he sees now that he should. thank you ML- he read you post and agrees

as for exposure i agree it is very helpful and gives family and understanding of what you are going thru and they can support you. was the best thing for me