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Most family and friends would always tell me how my husband and I were the ideal couple...the role model of couples. For many years I believed it to be true and I was so proud of it. My husband and I are high school sweet hearts. Soon after we graduated high school he joined the military and we got married. I moved to where he was stationed and we both learned to live and cope as husband and wife in the military which was hard at times because my husband had to travel overseas often. He completed his four year contract and we relocated to a different city to go to school. There we lived for a few years and we had our first child together. After he graduated we relocated to a different state. He got a job with the help of a close friend. My life changed after this...I made all the wrong choices.
I had a 3 month affair with our close friend and to make matters worst his wife was my best friend which is pregnant. Never in my life did I think I would cheat on my husband and betray my friend in such a horrible way. I feel so much guilt...so much remorse for hurting them this way. I can' imagine the hell I have put her through and my husband, and for what? It's crazy how we adults know right from wrong yet we still end up falling into temptation. We know there will be consequences and yet we still continue to live in sin. I lost a great friend and perhaps lost my husband. I feel so depressed, so lost. What happened to me? I was depressed before I had the affair and I was having marital problems with my husband, but there is no justification for what I have done. And what did my friend do to me to deserve this? No matter how bad life can be, no one deserves this.
My husband tells me he still loves me. That he forgives me. He says he doesn't hate me...he just hates what I did to him. He is currently traveling and its job related. He tells me he wants to try save our marriage, but other times he tells me he doesn't know if he can do it. I'm going to counseling. I want to save my marriage, but many times I feel as if I should let him go. He deserves better than me and it would be easier for him to move on without me. I feel so worthless. He has been kind to me after everything that I have done to him. I found out that he too was not very faithful in our marriage, but it never went as far as mine or so he swore. It seems through our 10 years of marriage he did things to women and vice versa, but he never went all the way. I don't know what to think of this, but what right do I have to be angry after what I have done. Somehow I believe him not to have had sex with these women. For some reason I don't even think a lot of his messing around. I am depressed and cry everyday for what I did and the pain I caused them! I'm so lost!
He does have bad days were he is angry and depressed. We have been talking a lot. He has had a lot of questions about the affair. At first I didn't want to tell him anything, but after counseling I realized in order for us to save our marriage it is important I answer all his questions truthfully. I am sorry if this is long and I'm sure many people might not put nice comments on this posting, but I need to vent somehow. I am going crazy! I don't know what to do. I need to be sane for the sake of my son. I didn't even think how this would affect my son. I see how much hurt I have caused. Not only to her and my husband, but also their families and even my own.
My husband's family has been more than kind to me. Maybe not at first, but they were always respectful after the news blew out. They have been very supportive to me! They are like it was a mistake...you guys will get through this. They tell me how I did a hurtful and horrible act, but I am not a horrible person...yet I feel like a horrible and evil person. I don't deserve any of their kindness. We moved back home (different state). My husband had me promised to never see the other guy nor her again or contact him/her in any way! I intend to keep my promise! I know I have lost everyone's trust and that I will have to earn it back. But I not only need to keep this promise for my husband or her, but for myself. I never want to do this again! I was never the perfect wife, but I was always so proud of being faithful to my husband...being that we saw many cases in the military where infidelity was common. I had never cheated on him. I love my husband! I have realized perhaps too late how much I love him. There is so much more to tell! But this post is too long already. I'm sorry for everything that I did! I regret everything especially for hurting her because she deserved it even less than my husband.
The only thing I can hope for is for God's forgiveness. I pray one day I can forgive myself and to have peace again. I don't think she will ever forgive me and with reason. I see my marriage and realize we are far from being the ideal couple. We both somehow lied to each other. How do we move on? How do I move on without constantly punishing myself? I pray that all the men and women that have been cheated on, can get through this all. We the cheaters don't realize until its too late how much damage we cause to you. I can't imagine how any of you are feeling. Sometimes I try to have faith that my husband and I can get through this, but many times I lose hope. I see myself in the mirror sometimes and don't recognize who that person is anymore.
Last edited by blanca_nieve; 12/03/11 08:25 PM.
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Paragraphs, please?? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Honey, next time you post use paragraphs. Lots of paragraphs. I will try to pull out the relevant information and perhaps one of the experts can help you. My husband and I are high school sweet hearts.
I had a 3 month affair with our close friend
My husband tells me he still loves me. That he forgives me.
He tells me he wants to try save our marriage, but other times he tells me he doesn't know if he can do it.
I found out that he too was not very faithful in our marriage,
10 years of marriage
he did things to women and vice versa, but he never went all the way.
I don't know what to think of this, but what right do I have to be angry after what I have done.
He has had a lot of questions about the affair. At first I didn't want to tell him anything, but after counseling I realized in order for us to save our marriage it is important I answer all his questions truthfully.
I don't know what to do. I need to be sane for the sake of my son.
My husband's family has been more than kind to me. Maybe not at first, but they were always respectful after the news blew out. They have been very supportive to me! They are like it was a mistake...you guys will get through this.
We moved back home (different state). My husband had me promised to never see the other guy nor her again or contact him/her in any way! I intend to keep my promise!
I love my husband! I have realized perhaps too late how much I love him.
I pray one day I can forgive myself and to have peace again.
We both somehow lied to each other. How do we move on? How do I move on without constantly punishing myself? Summary: High school sweethearts, one son, married 10 years, both unfaithful. Military & moved a lot. WW has promised no contact. She is not sure of the extent of his affair(s).
Me: BS 51 Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy." Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors. Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11 MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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I edited it. Sorry about that.
Last edited by blanca_nieve; 12/03/11 08:27 PM.
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We both somehow lied to each other. How do we move on? How do I move on without constantly punishing myself? Thanks, Kirby!! blanca, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would suggest that you get the book Surviving an Affair as soon as you can and read it. Both you and your husband should read it and follow the program. I am not sure what you mean by "punish" though? How are you being "punished?" Your husband was punished by your affair; he is the victim, not you. Do you mean that you feel GUILT? Well, you should feel guilty. You are supposed to feel guilty about being bad. That is a good thing, not a bad thing. Guilt is your conscience's red alert system warning you that you have violated it. You should EMBRACE it, rather than run from it. Guilt is your FRIEND. It warns you when you are doing something wrong; its sting helps you from doing the same thing again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is an outline of what it will take to recover your marriage. And one of those things is that your husband needs to come clean about his affairs: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details. here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Blanka, I am a return member to this sight, I am at this time, in no position to give advise. I can say, listen to that advise that is given you from the people here, though it is free, it has much value. Buy the books, read, read and read some more, do it together. You will start to understand the why's the how's, and how you can best recover from this with a stronger marriage.
Me BH previous user name SEM WW Senninpaswife previous user name Keep Smiling Married 16 years - HS sweethearts 2 kids, Boy 15 years, Girl 13 years
WW's Affair #1,2,3,4 @ 1 year into marriage All ONS type PAs DDay #1 09/11/01 False recovery for 10 years
WW's Affair #5 07/11 - 10/11 with my best friend EA&PA DDay #2 11/27/11
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Melody thank you for your advice. It's been 2 months since we moved back home. As I mentioned my husband is away traveling. He has been gone for a month and has about 3 or 4 weeks more to complete the job. I don't know if this seperation is helping or making our situation worst.
We have been talking/chatting quite a good amount. His extramarital activities consisted of kissing, and touching women and them touching him. He encourages me to ask questions and tells me about it but these were random women in bars and some strip clubs. He said he would be drinking while doing this. This occurred a lot when he was in the military abroad but continued throughout the years just less frequently after he left the military.
He admitted to me that doing that felt normal. The ironic thing is that certain times he and the man I had the affair with would go together and cover for each other. He swore on our son that he never had sex with these women. I feel I can't even get angry because I feel I did much worse.
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First off, I don't believe for a minute your husband didn't have sex with them.
And when will he stop traveling? You won't have a marriage until he stops traveling. His traveling is what has created the conditions that led to both your affairs. This won't change until it stops.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you. I am reading as much as I can about affairs and I am also seeing a therapist which is helping me. My husband is traveling right now, but I hope soon we both can work on discovering and using the right tools to save our marriage.
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Well he will probably be back by the end of this month. He was in the military for 4 years. Then for a few years we moved and to me it was the best time of our marriage. It was a time were we had struggled financially the most, yet I remember being the happiest. He was home everyday. Then a year ago he got his current job and we moved to a different state. The reason why he took this job was because of the pay and it was a good opportunity for him careerwise. For some reason I thought I could handle his travels since I did before, but I went into depression from being away from him and my family. Our relationship changed.
Btw the other man and my husband used to work together. They are both working for the same company but now in different states.
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blanca, as you have found out the hard way, traveling jobs are a disaster for marriages.  They are invitations for affairs. You do realize that this needs to change, right?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I went out of town to visit my sister, therefore, have not put any posts. I do realize my husband's travel have affected us; still I could have taken a different approach to our situation; instead of being unfaithful. My husband is not sure if he will be able to keep this job. He still hasn't been approved a job transfer, but his boss is aware of everything and is doing whatever he can to help. This job requires a lot of travel. I have expressed my concern of him traveling, but I can't demand him to leave it. I feel I have no right anymore after the pain that I have caused.
This whole week has been crazy for the two of us. When ever he feels down I listen to him as best as I can, but there are moments where I get frustrated. He asks me the same questions over and over. I want to understand his pain and fears, but I don't know what to do in moments of frustration. I sometimes get angry and express it to him. Please help.
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Blanca, what have you done to end your affair? Have you written a No Contact letter to OM?
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I do realize my husband's travel have affected us; still I could have taken a different approach to our situation; instead of being unfaithful. I agree completely. However, traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs. They create an emotional vacuum along with the opportunity to cheat. So that has to change in order to recover your marriage. Traveling is hard on STABLE marriages, it is a disaster on crippled marriages. So I would insist he find a job that does not consist of traveling. IT is too important to your marriage. Your marriage won't fall apart because you insist he find a non-traveling job but it will fall apart if you don't. This whole week has been crazy for the two of us. When ever he feels down I listen to him as best as I can, but there are moments where I get frustrated. He asks me the same questions over and over. I want to understand his pain and fears, but I don't know what to do in moments of frustration. I sometimes get angry and express it to him. Please help. That is pretty typical. Are you answering his questions fully and completely? Would he come here and let us help him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MaritalBliss, no I have not. My husband had one request from me and it was to promise never to contact OM or his wife nor their family/friends in any form. When I recently moved here I bought a book "After an Affair" and read how its suggested to write one, but even after I talked to my husband about it he was opposed to it so I have kept my promise and intend to keep it.
I didn't even have closure with OM wife. I never got the chance to say I'm sorry to her, being that we were friends. I know that words are not enough, but I keep thinking that she may have wanted an apology, explanation, something. I have also expressed this to my husband and still he is opposed to it. I don't want to go behind his back and contact her so the only thing I have is pray to God that one day she may heal from this and be happy again. I pray for her forgiveness, but I know there is a high probability she never will. Being in her shoes I probably wouldn't either.
I don't know if not having any closure is a good thing, but I don't want to risk hurting my husband any more than what I already have. Am I doing the right thing? Not having closure?
I also promised my husband if the OM or wife, as well as, any of their family/friend were to ever contact me, that I will let him know.
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I will continue to insist on him finding a non-traveling job. I have answered all his questions fully and completely. He continues to ask me if I am sure I want to be with him and not the OM or if I want to be single. Per my counselor I should continue to answer it over and over because my husband needs the re-assurance.
I told my husband about MB, but I am not sure if he would join. Before he left we did have 2 marriage counseling sessions, but I get the feeling he may not continue with it. I will bring up the subject when he returns. I am going to counseling once a week for the past month and a half.
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I told my husband about MB, but I am not sure if he would join. Before he left we did have 2 marriage counseling sessions, but I get the feeling he may not continue with it. I will bring up the subject when he returns. I am going to counseling once a week for the past month and a half. blanca, my suggestion would be to get the book, Surviving an Affair, and follow the program outlined in there. Men are much more willing to use the Marriage Builders program because it has a logical action plan to restore the ROMANTIC LOVE to a marriage. You could also pick up the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love as it has all the worksheets in it. Marriage Counseling does not have a plan to save marriages and is largely a waste of time. You can do much better on your own. And it would help if your husband could come here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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