Hi there,
I wrote a message last week, and received a great number of replies, thank you. Since a vacation mid Oct, I have been secretly emailing and twice had sex with a friends husband. This relationship has been going on for about 6 weeks. Since a week ago, we have jointly decided to end this covert relationship, and focus on rebuilding our respective marriages. We both acknowledge that what we have been doing is wrong, and reflects an unmet need in our respective long term marriages. I have read the advice on this website and know that I have to end all contact with OM, and this should be easy, respecting his need to do the same with me. But this withdrawal and lack of contact (which was so excitng for me), is painful. Does anyone have any suggestions on lessening this pain? I need to feel better so that I can refocus my attention and rekindle my love and desire for my husband? Your suggestions are appreciated. SKK.y

I congratulate you for doing the right thing. Welcome back.

My first suggestion is that you repost this question to your first thread. (Click on your name, then "view posts", to find it.) It's better that you keep to one thread so that people can look back quickly and see what you have told us already.

Edited to add: I didn't remember the circumstances when I congratulated you for doing the right thing. You need to do as others have told you and confess the affair to the husband that you betrayed.

How about the following for a start?

1)Go to your BH and tell him what you have done to him and your marriage.
2) Tell the OM's wife what you have done to her and her marriage.
3) End all contact for life with the OM.
3) Buy the book SAA and start putting into practice EVERYTHING that it says to do?

Zeke351

SugarCane,

Is that possible? I think the mods locked the original thread.

SKK,

You have made a first good step in doing the right thing. There are still a few other things you need to do in order to build a good marriage however:


1. Confess everything to your husband. Every detail he asks for. Do it ASAP, and don't withhold anything from him at all.

2. You need to write OM a no contact letter that your husband approves of and send it to OM

3. Confess to OM's Wife

4. read the section on extraordinary precautions and write them out. Give it to your H and see if anything needs to be tweaked or added.

This will get you started. Remember, no contact is for life. Don't worrying about feeling better right now. Once you confess, you will most likely feel a lot worse for quite a while. Specially once you see the pain your husband is in knowing you have betrayed him. You will have a lot of work ahead of you.

CV

Yes - not a word about confessing to her H and the OM's wife is there.

SKK, please confess your actions as you have been directed. Let us know when this is done. Do not post one more post until you have done so!

The spouses on this site who have been betrayed have zero interest in reading about how painful it is to part from your adultery partner, and it would be breath-takingly cruel for you to blog about it, so don't.

Tell your H and his W, and then come back here. We'll go from there.

Confess to your BH, OMW, and your parents. Then, help your BH expose to others who will help keep you in NC with OM.

You CAN have a spectacular marriage with your BH, but only AFTER you confess to the right people, and go NC for LIFE.

BTW, you should send a NC letter as suggested on here.

I say this ONLY to help you find the courage to confess to your H and OM wife. You must not take this as encouragement to do any kind of blame shifting. You are entirely responsible for your own choices.

If your Hubby is honest with himself, he knows that he too participated in this affair. His wrong does not excuse or justify your wrong, so don't suggest or even think that it does. But it is reasonable to hope that he will treat you as he would want to be treated.

The two of you jointly own the task of re-building your marriage.

Exactly which unmet need are you referring to?

You have unmet need for risky sex?
Unmet need for betrayal of marriage and friendship?
Unmet need for self degradation? Dishonor? Scandal? Cruelty? Discrace? Sin?

Your question is revealing.


Yeah. I have a suggestion. Pay attention to other more important things.
Your pain is rooted in selfishness.
Feel the shame. It's something you've earned.

Have you confessed?
To your husband?
To your so-called friend?
To your parents?
To your children?
To your pastor?
To your God?

Confess your sins.

PS
I am grateful you and I are not friends.

The Most Important Emotional Needs