Armymama, I would never place my house above my marriage to my loyal, faithful and loving wife. Now I WOULD place it higher than the cheating, disrespectful, lying one.

Happyheart, just exactly HOW do I stop thinking about the affair. Every moment of D-day is etched into my brain with a laser. The look on her face, when I walked in the door, the feeling when I hit him, repeatedly, and both of them begging me to stop. I even remember what both of them were wearing, where his hands were, where her hands were. All of it. There are certain things you cannot forget, this is one of them.

Also, I did not exclusively talk to women. I've talked to my pastor, parents, men-friends, and last but not least, my wife. Obviously, all of you good people , too. One of the reasons I tell them (the ladies) about my situation, is BECAUSE I'm honest and would never try to con anybody, or misrepresent anything.

Whatever I do, I will do it with honesty and respect, at all times. The inference that I would have an affair with anyone is insulting, moreso because of what I have already gone through. A revenge affair is out of the question.

Ok, so you answered my question about your wonderful house. How about all the other questions?

Did you really understand and apply the MB program?

AM

Who has now been replaced by a respectful, honest, faithful one?

MM, I understand this (many of us here do). One good way to stop thinking about the affair is to focus on the future you are working toward together. And, honestly, it IS hard to do... It takes time. It takes work. That's why everyone says 6 months before making a decision and a year before seeing a big turn.

CV, you, more than most, understand how much I want it to work out, but I don't feel for her like I used to, and I don't see how to get that feeling back. We have done everything Dr. Harley suggests, and until Friday, were together constantly, since she got back from Hospital. I have forgiven her, and actually believe that we CAN affair-proof our marriage and I am sure about her love and honesty, now. I know it sounds corny, but it's the heartbreak that I'm having trouble overcoming. I won't be married to anyone I am not in love with. IDK, going abroad seems like I'm running away from my problems, but just now I am not able to return her affection, and I don't know if I will ever be able to do so.

...I am not able to return her affection, and I don't know if I will ever be able to do so.

MM, can you bear another corny NG analogy?

Have you ever been sick, seriously sick, not the measles or the flu? I mean sick-with-a-possibility-of-dying sick.

If you were, you went to a learned doctor with experience in dealing with your affliction. You basically said "I'm facing the possibility of dying, and I don't know if I'll ever be healthy again." As he starts you on the path to recovery, at about 25% in, you would be unwise to say, "Sorry, Doc, I don't like your medicine. I believe I'll halt the protocol and just die." Instead, having put your faith in him, you ride it out to recovery.

There is one other element you should consider. Take all those horrid memories - her, him, them, you - and put them in a prominent place in your mind, MM, because they are NOT going to disappear just because SHE does (from your presence). Instead you're going to wake up (alone, initially) and the fact that you are alone will be as strong a trigger as being with her. You don't actually "erase" memories, you "bury" them. You have to work to supercede the bad times with good, romantic times, to the effect that the bad times can't even be located without strenuous effort. Just now I forced myself back forty years, and I can still see my HS French teacher (on whom I had a huge crush) dazzling me with her smile while helping me conjugate the verb "etre". The memory is there, but I haven't accessed it for decades, because I had so many more pleasurable instances stored.

And the best way to erase bad times with your wife is by creating good times with your wife. SHE IS YOUR BEST MEDICINE RIGHT NOW. A previous poster pointed out that when a loyal, loving wife goes rogue, she becomes to us a cheating slut; the previous manifestration ceases to exist. We have learned here not to deal with that woman as loyal and loving, because if we do, the strategems necessary to end her infidelity are ineffective. BUT when a woman ceases to live the cheating life, and is genuinely remorseful, do we not owe her the same treatment, to now deal with her under her renewed status?

I NEVER recommend this next step, because I've seen it go bad for too many FWWs, but I right now care more for your well-being than hers. Send her here. There are some folks here that can respectfully advise her on ways to complement your efforts with MB efforts of her own. Two trained operators would likely have a better chance of repairing your system than just one.

Take this chance with us, MM. Please.

MM, a person once said if you can love someone new, you can love your current spouse again. I don't think it has to do with your ability to love her. Its more to do with your WILLINGNESS.

She hurt you in a way you never imagined she could or would. She hurt you and you are afraid love her again thinking about what happened when you loved her before. Love is not a feeling. Its a CHOICE.

You tell us you've been spending a lot of time together but how much fun are you having together? You will never be able to move forward unless you create new and positive, happy experiences that with time will drown out the negativity.

I'm not so sure you've really forgiven her. I think you're trying to forget what she's done but forgiveness means you no longer hold previous offenses over her head. You no longer hold them against her.

Once you really forgive, a change will take place in how you see her and actof towards her. It is not being weak. Forgiveness takes great strength because it makes you vulnerable to disappointment again.

I can't say for sure, but it seems like you may be filled with the negative answers to the question "what if?"

What if I really forgive her?
What if she does this again?
What if I reopen my heart and risk being hurt again?
What if people think I'm weak for sticking with a cheater?

How about a positive what if?

What if our marriage is better than it ever was?

MM,

I know sometimes in the midst of things, its hard to see anything brighter ahead, as NG has analogized.

I've had those days in recovery.

However, I will analogize again; I had days in pursuing my license in which I was CERTAIN I was going to fail my courses. I missed some days, or I got a lower than expected grade on an assignment.

At those times I had two choices; to curl up and give up, tossing aside all the work that had been accomplished prior to that point, or to stay the course and do what I knew I had to do to achieve my goal. Sometimes things would improve in small, unnoticable increments. Sometimes, I didn't know until after the final exam if my work had paid off.

The thing is, the GOAL, the OUTCOME is the most important thing to focus on. And while that goal seems impossible, appears unobtainable, the trick is to not pursue the grand changes in a future you cannot imagine, but in focusing on the small things that you can do RIGHT NOW, the things that can be done IN THIS MOMENT.

TL;DR: when the past is painful, and the future is bleak, live NOW.

MB is present and future focused.

No man can start over and have a new beginning, but any man can make a better ending.

A lot of the way I'm feeling is her behavior, right now. She doesn't act like she did before D-day. She is almost slavishly obedient to me, and sometimes worries so much about doing anything to trigger me, that she will do nothing at all. The only time I can catch a glimpse of the real her is during and right after(especially right after) sex, when she is more spontaneous and open. Most of the time, remorse seems to be eating her alive. This isn't the intelligent, self-confident woman I married. I realize that we can't undo the past, but I know for a fact that she is having a harder time forgiving herself than I am forgiving her. I'm certain that there will be no more affairs, and I will do whatever it takes to TRY to rekindle my love for her. What I really need is some sense that it can happen. I called her this morning and went to where she is staying and brought her home.

mm, you'll get no beef from me if you're ready to throw in the towel. Not everyone can - or should - attempt reconciliation.

Having said that, a comment you just made has given me pause.
You're saying this in a post where you are also outlining things she's doing that are pushing you away from reconciling.

My question for you is: have you discussed with her the things you just posted to us that she's doing that you don't like?

Everybody respects the trauma of what you saw and the challenge of overcoming it. It is entirely your decision. If you want to pull the plug and divorce cleanly, severing all ties because you are sure you are 'done' then you have everybody's support 100 per cent.


But when you say stuff like this it doesnt sound like your impulse to leave is certain, final, logical or sure.

It sounds more like you want a break and that you think a break will help and that you might remarry after it.

You cant leave your wife with this sort of false hope, waiting for you. And giving up on recovery is unlikely to lead to remarriage. How does being on another continent help with recovery?

You say your feelings 'might return' - but you have been here long enough to understand the dynamics of the love bank

You know that feelings follow actions.

Feelings do not fly to and from us like fairies.

To sum up:

If you want a divorce - final, over, forever - then divorce.

If you want your feelings to return - Do the recovery plan, speak to the harleys, listen to the vets.

You cant dance between the two.

Essentially I think you dont know which of the two you want - am I correct? I am sure you are not alone in that one.

thats great! very happy you came back.

my smile icons dont work

MM,

I am sorry for your pain. I know it feels bad.

You are getting some really good posts. Please send your wife here. She can recover. You can recover. Your marriage can recover. Call the Harley's and develop a plan. Dr. Harley has said that if a couple follows MB principles, they WIll be in love. I think he has seen it happen many, many times.

I pray that you can hang onto that hope and visualize the future in a form that will unite you.

AM

Talking to family good
pastor also good
men friends good if few and close

Women not good. No reason to be telling them your marriage has problems.
Not good you are giving women the opportunity to meet your needs and offer you support through these hard times

On the
slippery
slope

You're justifying as much as any WW.

The Road, keep your sexist comments to yourself, OK? My Mom is a woman, so I shouldn't talk to her? My cousin, also a woman, is she poison too? I have been totally honest with ALL the Ladies that I've talked to, telling them unequivocally that I am not in the market. To call me a Wayward is extremely insulting, and you need not participate on my thread if you're going to cause trouble. Do it again and I will contact the moderator. I don't need this kind of disrespectful crap.

MM, I dont want to rile you up but The Road is dead on. You have been offered food, companionship, even had offers for sex from other women. Please remind yourself that if you WANT to fall back in love with your wife you can't allow other women to meet your needs. This is especially critical in recovery. You can love your wife more than you ever have before, but you have to let her be your one and only in all areas of your life. However, if you want to move on, you are completely justified in doing so.