My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have a 12 yr old daughter. We were happy, or so I thought, until 15 months ago that he loved me but was not in love with me. I flipped out. Then I found about about the affair. He's been on and off with her since. I'm not sure they are through. He moved out 4 months ago to reevaluate our situation. Since he's continued in and off with this lady and had gone out in dates too. He's slept with at Least one other woman.

He started coming around about 3 weeks ago saying he wanted to work things out and then backed off again last week. He says he is not ready to give up his freedom. He feels he needs to find out wht he wants. I told him that was fine if he didnt believe our family was worth the fight then we should file for divorce. Then he says he's not sure he wants a divorce. Is there anything I can do to save my marriage. I don't junk he's completely checked out. But after reading here I can see how his love bank is extremely low. And that's my fault. But I see what I've done wrong and I know how to fix it. I just need a second chance. Is there hope?

Members of this website have seen marriages restored after affairs. Please click the "notify" button on the bottom of your post and ask the moderators to move your thread to the Surviving An Affair forum. You will get some good advice there.

kappy, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

Who is this woman? Is she married? Has the affair been exposed?

Can you be specific?

Welcome to MB-land Kappy.


*** LINK *** to Scotland's original thread

Yes, there is hope.
There is a plan too.
Hope without a plan is the road to nowhere.

Click on the carrot/stick link in my sig line.

My opinion:

You should plan A like a rock star the rest of this month.
(unless you are about to have a nervous breakdown. In that case, you shorten Plan A)

Make a really great effort at Plan A. (carrot AND stick) You need BOTH parts.

Then, January 1, 2012 ....... Plan B. Unless he's decided to give up his ridiculous
wayward lifestyle.

Is there any history of addictions? Violence? Abuse?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, kappy.

Here's what he's really saying:

Tell us who this OW is.

Wow. Lots of questions. Here goes:

We have been married 17 yrs. first marriage for each. We have a 12 tr old daughter. We are both 40 yrs old

He met OW through his cousin. She's actually his. Ousins cousin in the dads side. They are practically family. Ses a well known skank in the family that sleeps with anyone. Her own parents are dissapointed in her. And speak badly of her and her behavior.

How I found out: my sister told me. I didn't believe her. She told me to check his cell phone records. I started putting 2 and 2 together and it just wasn't adding up. Boy was I dissapointed because this was something he always frowned upon!

As far as I know, he laid the bomb on me 08-31-2010. The affair began around mid December 2010 through mid feb 2010. At which point he started talking about us tryin to fix things. Then he backed off again around may/June. Around that time I found pictured in her Facebook page which I was able to see through a friend, of them together. I confronted him and he said they had just gone out a few times. At this point we agreed he should move out. He did July 31- 2011. Supposively to take time to appreciate his family and what he's losing. Actually he's been partying with her and other girls too. So he's been playing single.

About 3 weeks ago he came to me and told me his focus was in us again and he wanted to try to work things out. He came around a lot, made me dinner, took me out to dinner. Things were good. Then his mom bumped into OW at his cousins house and she beat her up ( his mom suspects something is happening but I've never confirmed it to her ). The H flips out and backs off again satin he's just not ready to give up his freedom just yet. I offered a divorce then to make things simple. He said e doesn't know if he wants a divorce. So he's confused. He doesn't want to commit to the marriage but he doesn't want a divorce!??!!

After his mom beat up OW his cousin started talkin to sister in law ( his brothers wife). Apparently he's been telling OW that he's even out Of the house the while time they've been together. She played dumb because his aunt and uncle ( hers too) know that's not true. Anyways, when she found out he asked her for time to get things right because of his daughter. When he finally moved out they hooked up again. He's been telling her we r through and will be getting a divorce. Apparently she found a text on hisnphine from another girl. Apparently she have him an ultimatum when she realized he was lying. He told her he wasn't sure what he wanted so he couldn't commit to her. She broke things off. That's when he started coming around me again.

Funny thing is he tells me he doesn't want me to turn Into something I'm not like OW. He doesn't want me to sleep around just because. He understands I'm free to do as I please like he has done. But it would upset him if I slept with someone else!! WTF is all I could think!! He could dias he pleases but I can't.

Anyways. We stand at he understands I'm ready to make this work but he's not there yet.


Why I say I emptied his love bank. Well. For at least a year before we dropped the bomb we few apart. My sister had a chi that was born with an intestinal disease and was admitted in the hospital for about10 months. During this time a long tests were done and a lot Of results received. Some good some bad. But was a very stressful time for te family. Everything revolve around the hospital. I neglected my husband big time. I emptied his bank account. I see I did wrong. I told him. I promised him never again will I allow this to happen.

I think I answered all the Questions. Please feel free to comment, recommend and guide me through this!

Thanks for the response.

What are your thoughts about my previous post where I suggest Plan A through Christmas?

I think you have been patient long enough. Maybe too long.
Plan A really, really well, and then Plan B where he gets no "goodies" from you.


See, my dear, WH wants his single life & so called 'freedom' while keeping you as his home base .... just in case he ever decides to come back.
The longer you tolerate this treatment, the more you teach WH that it is acceptable.

Thoughts?

He has been having this affair for ONE YEAR at least and you have not told his mother???

Affairs thrive in secrecy. Read up on this site about exposure and then DO IT. EVERYONE needs to know what he is up to.

Also, you are NOT free to do as you please. You are still married. His adultery does not give you a free pass to behave like a pig in the mud like he is doing. Think more of yourself than that.

Pepperband. I read it and I like it. Let me just make sure I've got it righ

In supposed to continue normal relationship with him as if nothing just ignoring the affair. I'm not supposed to talk about the relationship. If the subject comes up i let him know I'm hurt but I know we can get through this.

In the meantime I should expose him to as many people as possible. His mom kind of did that for me beating her up in the uncles house I front of some family and friends.

In supposed to be nice and friendly and sort of swallow my pride to show him what he's missing. Is this pretty much right?


What's plan B??

Smiling woman I would never stoop down to his level and become a pig like him. I just think its funny that he finds it to be a problem if I started sleeping around. I told him that I knew how to behave and that until we signed a divorce paper I knew how to respect my house, my family and my husband because he is still my husband!!

As far as exposure. I never thought about it. I always thought it would be worse to expose! I guess I was wrong!

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Pep has given you some great links. Without a plan he will yo-yo back and forth forever until you completely lose your mind. We have ways to cut to the chase, saving you your sanity.

Essentially he wants to have cake and to eat it too - he wants you at home and to be single as well.

Plan A is where you show him exactly what he will be missing if he continues to behave this way. You look and smell amazing. You are funny and witty and calm. Home is welcoming because of you. This is the carrot part. The stick part is where you make it quite clear that he is about to lose you and his home comforts, that he is looking at a nasty divorce, that you will not be his friend after divorce. Exposure will also show him that he risks losing his friends, family and reputation.

Plan B is where after giving him every reason to want the marriage in Plan A, you then take it away from him. You send him a loving letter making it clear he can only come back with a proper commitment to recovery. You do not speak to him, except through a go-between. You disappear and cause him to see what his life is really like without you. Plus you have room and space to heal, so if he never repents, a divorce will hurt less.

Good luck! And hugs ((((kappy)))))

I "HATE" plan nice.
No. That is not what I mean.

Do not swallow your pride.
Be proud of who you are, your best version of yourself.

You swallow angry outbursts.
You swallow disrespectful judgments.
You swallow selfish demands (as described in previous Dr Harley quote)

You demonstrate your very best self.


No. That's not what I suggest.
Would I tell you to ignore smoke coming from your kitchen? That would be stupid.


Do not nag or beg and otherwise behave in unattractive ways.
You cannot lecture/teach/preach WH out of his addictive/destructive behaviors.


Do not argue with WH.
Listen. It's far more attractive.
If you cannot think of anything to say when he's being a jerk, you can say "I don't have an answer for that. I
need to go re-group. Stay well."

A brief ( couple of weeks ) plan A ... make as many lovebank deposits as possible.


Then, deliver Plan B letter. (see next few upcoming posts)

LINK *** How to Plan B correctly.


LINK *** Sample Plan B letters