First day back to work, had to see ex-best friend/OM for the first time since D-Day, that was hard. He doesn't even have enough respect to stay out of my office, came in sat down like were still good friends. I don't think he even understands what he has done to me and my family.

I even told him when he called the other night, nearly screaming into the phone "YOU HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY WIFE, WE CANT BE FRIENDS", I felt bad afterward as he thought he was just calling to talk about deer hunting (we have always gone together). He doesn't get it, we can't be friends anymore. I would like to do a NC letter, but we have to work together- for now.

I came home from work, told the wife I wanted to look at the phone records, She turned pale white. I jumped on and started looking, found out the extent of the EA. It started the last week of July, multiple calls and texts every day from July to the first week of October, when OM's W had her major suspicions and blew up. Phone and text went spotty for the next month and then ended. W told me how long it was going on prior to this, yet, seeing it as I marked the # of calls on the calender with red ink, like some war plan, my stomach turn to knots. I am devastated, there was red ink all over the calender, like every red slash was one more hole in the heart! I am asking myself why I even looked, but it did confirm what the W said, she did not lie about that.

OK, more of a rant/update - don't know what kind of advice anyone could give here, just wanted to voice some frustration as my friend I would talk to is the OM.

I am surprised you are not posting from jail tonight? How did he get out of your office without the help of the police?

I did not pay any attention to him, kept my nose in my work, eventually he got up and left. Must have figured out I wasn't going to talk to him. I honestly think he believes since they didn't go ALL the way, it wasn't an affair. He is hoping I will continue a friendship that has no future. He did this to himself!

You realize this says more about you than it does him, right? The fact that you tolerated this spit in your face signals an utter lack of boundaries on your part.

If you don't respect your own boundaries, then how can this despicable, sick, wayward man be expected to respect non-existant boundaries?

This is not about him, this is about you, SEM.

He believes you believe this. But your wife has not passed a polygraph test. That story does not pass the smell test.

How do you think you are going to be able to see the OM every day? He is sashaying around work like nothing happened, partly because no one there knows.

I would strongly suggest you report his actions to Human Resources and explain that his actions represent a hostile work environment. Ask if he can be transferred elsewhere. Everyone at work should know what he has done.

SEM, are you sticking the PLAN we outlined for you? Such as scheduling a polygraph, exposing the affair, etc?

There is a fine line here. I cannot totally explain, but we have to work together. I have enough self control that I will not blow up at work, and the people at work have absolutely no business knowing what is happening in my life. I imagine if I continue to ignore him, he will eventually get the hint, as hard as this is going to be.

Your plan is to "ignore" him? You are kidding, right?

Keeping this a secret at work only ENABLES him to parade around and rub his affair in your face at work. That makes no sense and I assure you that strategy will make you sick. Your supervisors, Human Resources and your co-workers should be told what he has done. Having him rub your nose in his presence every day constitutes a hostile work environment. He makes it impossible for you to work there in peace.

You enable this man at your - VERY GREAT - expense, my friend. That makes no sense at all.

No, not kidding. I have told him my position on the matter. We agreed that we must keep on speaking terms and keep it professional. He said he will start to push to get the road job he is trying for. We (OM & I) are in a position we cannot create problems or up and leave. We were selected to start a "branch" per say, and have much responsibility to the company and the employees that are at the facility. We walk away and it will fail. I cannot explain all of this, as it would turn into a book. As for telling anyone at work, will never happen. We are on a small island in terms of the company and I cannot or will not tell anyone at work.

He is just being a lost puppy for now, it will take some time to sink in and hopefully he will get it. I just hope I can keep my temper at bey until then.

Senn,

and the people at work have absolutely no business knowing what is happening in my life.

Problem is if people don't know they will invite both of you to functions etc, and ask questions like why don't you two go hunting anymore.

I have a similar problem with OM4s' daughter who contacts my W every so often, and views my Ws' relationship with her father as cute.

God Bless
Gamma

What you are doing is sacrificing your sanity and your marriage for the OM and it won't work. I honestly don't think I have ever seen such a deficit of boundaries in a BS, SEM, and I mean that kindly. I view this as one of the bigger problems in your marriage. You just don't have appropriate boundaries at all. How do you expect you will overcome this when the price of carrying this secret means you endure the OM spitting in your face and making a mockery of you every day at work?

The biggest reason he has no respect for you is because of your non-existan boundaries. There is nothing here.


You need to push for that NOW. Report him to HR and get out of there. This is a hostile work environment and having the OM rub your nose in sh** every day is no way to get over this.

I don't think you have a very realistic grasp on what is really happening here.

No, it takes NO TIME for it to sink in when you establish boundaries for others. This is conflict avoidance to a sick, dysfunctional extreme. There is something very wrong that you would allow the OM to rub your face in sh** like this.

You are behaving like a chump and the OM knows you won't stand up to him. Why would you allow this?

Perhaps, I am. I would like to think I am doing things rationally and putting some thought into how to resolve these issues. I am not one to get too excited at first, let things settle and plan ahead before making a move. I know you could probably pick through that statement and nail me to the wall, but that is how I have always handled things. DR Phil " how has that been working for you"? I know. I do not think he is rubbing my nose in this, he just thinks there is some possibility we will end up friends again. I will have to tell him that will not happen (again), which I see the best way is going to his house and retrieving my things. That would be a big eye opener for him.

Oh, I think he understands VERY WELL. He was testing you and he got his answer.

You have gone to a very dangerous opposite extreme to have even allowed that to happen ONCE. There is nothing rational - or even normal - about the disrespect you tolerated today.

There is something very wrong with the cavalier way you are treating this situation. I have never seen anything more bizarre in my 10 years on this board.


The fact that you don't see that he is rubbing your nose in sh** is a big part of the problem and an indicator that you have no boundaries. This is more evidence of your very dysfunctional approach to this whole situation.

Like I said, this is conflict avoidance to a pathological degree. Take it from an outside, objective observer. This is reallly messed up, SEM.

Let me try and put this into perspective for you. This man has committed the equivalence of RAPE against you.

This would be like the rapist waltzing into the rape victim's office and she sits there and "ignores" him. Do you think that would be a normal reaction? Rational?

That is how you have reacted.

We have had SISTERS who had affairs with their sister's husbands and Dr Harley told the betrayed wife to NEVER be around her again EVER. He said it would be like inviting the rapist to dinner.

That is what you have done. You are the rape victim and you are sitting around with the rapist acting like nothing happened.

Radio show on the continued contact between the BS and the OP:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2264

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2265

Stated to the BW:

"Your sister [OW] would affect you the same way a rapist would."

Associating with the OP is like the rape victim being with the rapist.

I cannot totally explain, but we have to work together.
_________________________

I see. The two of you are the only people in the world, able to do this job and are kind of on an island and cannot not work together lest you fail. OK.

I assume you are posting from the capsule that is now underway to mars, sceduled to land in about 1,5 years, right? How exciting!!! I had never thought real astronauts were posting here on Marriage Builders!!! I totally understand that your mission cannot be broken off, because he would have to park you (or you him ) on the next meteorite. The two of you will have to work together. (Resistance is futile...)

Good luck and send us a postcard once you get there!

Happyheart

P.S.
If you are not in a space station circling the earth for two more months, or in a shuttle on your way to mars, then I think there must be other solutions. Brainstorm.

P.P.S.
If you do not tell HR and your work starts suffering from all this stress, HR will first bug, and then replace you. Or worse, your former 'best friend' who has already shown his ability to stab you in the back, will start working against you and you will be on the outside looking in, in about two years.

Your wife and your "bestest friend" know you well. They understand your lack of boundaries and will use it to their advantage.

They understand you will try to rationalize your way out of an emotional situation, trying not to "hurt" anyone, "make waves," or compromise your career situation. They understand you feel trapped by circumstance and will not take any action that closely resembles taking positive control of your life.

They understand you will sit and take it. Regardless of what they dish out, you will take it.

Whether or not you believe it, the fact is, you ARE in charge of yourself and your actions. You are CHOOSING to remain bound in the situation you currently find yourself. If this is your final choice, just be prepared for the drawn-out misery in which you'll be wallowing for the foreseeable future.

And as far as that "job" you're sacrificing yourself to protect:


Bank on it, Senn. There is no honor among thieves. There will be repercussions for refusing to play your role as they (your bestest friend and your wife) see it.

Do yourself a favor: prove them wrong. Take control of the situation. Now.

You are the wounded and the rest of your pack is starting to circle and close in.