We talked about it tonight. She told me that she will dedicate her life and future to me, and then sobbed that she should have been this way from the beginning. And prove it. I told her she already is doing a great job, by the post-nup and her absolute transparency, and her giving me control of her life. I have given it a lot of thought, and think that we BOTH need some space, from all of the triggers we are experiencing. I think that her coming with my daughter and I to Spain, would do a lot of good, so I told her this. It makes me feel funny knowing I have so much power to hurt her or make her happy.

K, also wanted to mention the big picture. You have two no doubt beautiful daughters who are going to give you grandchildren in the not too distant future. Who do you picture visiting these babies with? No other woman will appreciate those kids like you and your wife. Wouldn't it be amazing to be there for your girls and their children TOGETHER!

TexasSun, I have been offered a lot, but what differece does that make? The only person"meeting my needs", right now is my wife. You can offer me a BJ, but if I don't take you up on it, what have I done wrong? I'm not going to divorce my wife or stay with her, or anything else, because of any offers or a ***EDIT*** plate of cookies. Do you think I'm that immature?

MM, It's not about the cookies. That was just an example. The point of what TS and I think others are saying is this: There is simply another aspect to consider and that is what the future will look like down the road with your kids.

Honestly, you were the one that announced that these women were offering food and ... Ahem.. services... This is what TheRoad and others were replying to. Sure, it's fine to talk to mom and sis and relatives... What we are saying is guard your heart and mind, because even though it feels therapeutic to share with anyone who asks, it is also a potential for danger.

Truthfully, I think everyone thought things were going well. You presented a picture to us that recovery was on track and going smooth. We did not have the context of you and W having split to work with, or you having shared your feelings that you were struggling with lack of love for your W.

I think it's great you are all relocating together. It will remove the triggers for you both and give you a fresher start.

CV

CV, within the context of her actions and feelings, recovery IS going very good. It's MY feelings I'm concerned about. I feel that she is going above and beyond in every thing she does. She makes sure that I know where she is, what she does, and who she sees, 24/7. When we are together we have more fun and entertainment than we have had in years. It's my issue that is the stumbling block. But I am going to give it my all. She has been wonderfully understanding. When I talked about divorce, she was crushed, but said that my healing was her top priority, so whatever it takes she will always stand behind me.

Amazing. It is clear you appreciate the work she is putting in.



Its not disrespectful to point out marriage builders concepts. The mods themselves will tell you familiarise yourself with these concpets. You wouldnt allow your wife opposite sex friends. You wont encourage her to vent about your relationship to members of the opposite sex. The principles are for you too.

The plan you are working for recovery - is it based on MB concepts? Which ones?

I think you need counselling with the Harleys or an accountability coach to keep these feelings of resentment in order. Someone to draw you up an MB plan that can be kept to no matter how the rollercoaster keeps you up then down

I must've told my wife 50x I wanted a divorce. For the same reasons. Truly, your feelings are normal as you work through recovery. Focus, MM. You an do it. It gets better.

CV

We talked about it tonight.

This sounds like you two are really participating in honest/open communication. This builds intimacy.

She told me that she will dedicate her life and future to me, and then sobbed that she should have been this way from the beginning. And prove it.

I believe her sincerity. Do you?

I told her she already is doing a great job, by the post-nup and her absolute transparency, and her giving me control of her life.

I also believe you are sincere.

I have given it a lot of thought, and think that we BOTH need some space, from all of the triggers we are experiencing.

You mean you want quality time with your family away from the home-based triggers. Excellent thought.

I think that her coming with my daughter and I to Spain, would do a lot of good, so I told her this.

What was her reaction/response?

It makes me feel funny knowing I have so much power to hurt her or make her happy.

It's an awesome thing having someone dedicate their life to making you happy your wellbeing. Sounds suspiciously like "just compensation" to me.
I don't know how you could top that.
It's not about your power.
It's about your Grace.
It's about recognition of a blessing.
It's about the hills and valleys of life.
It's about your life.
Your life.
You.

Hi MM. I am a WW with about the same d-day as you. I offer no advice to you, just wanted to say that my husband is struggling somewhat right now too---I think holidays are hard and are triggers within themselves. They represent tradition and memories....very hard for you now as your traditions and memories are now tainted with the sin of adultery. Just something to think about MM. Take care, okay ?

Its the Superhero complex that the truly remorseful cheater gives us on dday. Personally, I could do without this power. We have the power to create a better marriage or leave. And either choice is perfectly acceptible.

I used to think my wife and I are equals in the marriage in all respects. With her A, I believe she is below me morally, ethically, spiritually, and completely capable of the worst things imaginable. She is not the villian. She was the damsel in distress who I am trying to save and in doing so, I save myself. The villian is complacency.

Its my job as Superhero with her true remorse and utter disbelief of her past actions as my source of power to pull her and our family through this time.

Even Superheros have bad days. We question our existence, we ask why us?, and we sometimes make decisions that we realize will mean we lose our powers. (And only our friends here sort of know our alter-egos.)

Im giving the 2 years a chance to work. Im giving the 2 years to even our my anger. Im giving the 2 years to show my wife that I am the person she nearly lost to stupid decisions, to let her show me why she still wants me, and to be the hero to both her and my kids. Thats how Im living.

Getting away together, going abroad, for a while is a great idea.

We are living abroad at the moment, for the next three years, on a remote island in the North Atlantic. When we first received our orders from H's company, I couldn't imagine how I could dismantle my life there and leave it all, even temporarily. (This was before D-Day.) But we left, put our stuff in storage, shipped a few thousand pounds of stuff and our car, then put our house in the hands of a property management firm.

This has turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened for us. When D-Day blew up my world a month following our arrival here, I couldn't just leave--at least not very easily. When we decided on recovery, we had a beautiful new place to discover together. We've hiked some wonderful trails, eaten new food, experienced a new culture, building new memories to push out the D-Day horror.

If you guys can arrange it, it would be a great idea.

This isn't the intelligent, self-confident woman I married.

Well........duh! Can you imagine what emotional beasts are tearing up her psyche right now?

Self-loathing? Anger? Shame? Fear? Remorse? As awful as every BS feels in the aftermath of discovery, and through the start of recovery, remorseful WSs feels that much worse. Why? Because a BS at least has the balm of blamelessness to sooth their hurts. That is denied to the WS.

I made the point that she is your best medicine right now. You are similarly hers.

Exactly. I would much rather have been betrayed (as I was) than to have committed adultery. I can't imagine the shame of living with that.

lots of good posts, with lots of good advice and support. THANK YOU ALL!! The Road......I understand what you are trying to say, but NEVER equate me with a wayward, that is an insult!!! Well, I didn't go to work today, and neither did my wife. I know.....I'm playing hookie.....so sue me. We had a long talk about things and I've changed my mind , yet again ( I'm allowed to do this, because I can). Going abroad isn't the answer, but going to a new place and making new memories might be. My Dad suggested that we drop everything, lock up the house and move to Chicago. We have a building there, that would make a great townhouse, with 4 floors, a basement garage, there is room for a bit of lawn and garden in the back. Its fairly close to downtown, and my family has friends there. I can remodel the ground floor into an office, with plenty of space for a gym, with a a jacuzzi. It will take a lot of work, but we can do it....together. When I told my wife about it she was thrilled!! That might even be an understatement. She has laughed and cried and kissed and loved me all morning long. My daughter is also delighted with the idea.So..... I called my lawyer and told hom to put the Divorce on hold, I can always leave, right? Seems like that when I started this post, I was really discouraged. I know how hard it has been on both of us, and I was thinking as much about easing the burden on her as I was about my own feelings. By reading all of you guys abd gals posts, and typing my answers, I realized that I do still love her, I'm just worried about my attitude towards her, and uncomfortable with her submissive behavior. To start a new project, to create a new home, to experience new thingsa together, I feel will bring us closer together, heal her demons, and renew the dependance between mother and daughter. It seems like a win/win/win, to me. What do you think?

I think I want to hug you.

Pleasesetmefree, thank you for your kind post. I really , really hope that you and your H will find peace.

No hugging, I have a terrible cold. Maybe I'm just keeping my wife around for her nursing and hot soup?

This sounds awesome not just because of the new environment, but also what this environment that you have chosen can bring;

Remodeling your space - an opportunity to exercise PoJA, and an opportunity to build and accomplish together, which will help you build up that LB$ balance!

Me too. Umm... in a you know... Marine kind of way... Wooo woo.. Ooh rah!

Semper Fi MM!

on a serious note... Remember... When you're crashing, sign in and let us know... We can help.

AWESOME!