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Hi, we've been married almost 36 years. Over that time
my wife has had at least one emotional affair and several more
"attractions" to other men. This was embarrassing, humiliating, even emasculating for me. Though we have worked through it and are happy again,
She now intends to share her experiences to "help other women." I find this to be a
double hurt for me. Having others know about this reopens my humiliation and puts information in the hands of people I don't know or trust. She claims this is her story to share as she wills. I say this is our story and to share
It requires my consent. What do you think?
Last edited by NormB; 12/06/11 09:34 AM.
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We have something around here called the Policy of Joint Agreement which states you must never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. I think it is insensitive of her to be willing to hurt you to "help other women." Perhaps you two should sit down and discuss ways that she can help people that don't involve hurting you.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Keeping in the spirit of the POJA, can you brainstorm with your wife ways in which she can do this while remaining anonymous? I think it's admirable for her to want to give other women the benefit of her experience, but she should not do so without your enthusiastic agreement.
Maybe she could author a book about her experiences and use a pseudonym?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Norm, agreeing to something that upsets you will harm you marriage because you feel resentment. Don't agree to it. Sacrifice will harm your marriage. Your marriage needs to come first and it is time that your wife start putting her marriage first instead of her own selfish interests. Agreeing to things that make you unhappy creates incompatibility and resentment in marriage.
The fact that she is considering doing this tells me your marriage NEVER RECOVERED. Do you realize that? Has there ever been a plan to recover your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Keeping in the spirit of the POJA, can you brainstorm with your wife ways in which she can do this while remaining anonymous? I think it's admirable for her to want to give other women the benefit of her experience, but she should not do so without your enthusiastic agreement.
Maybe she could author a book about her experiences and use a pseudonym? I agree with MelodyLane that their marriage never truly recovered. I think that if it did, by then she might be such a person that he would be interested in her sharing her experiences. Possibly.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What exactly are her intentions regarding sharing the details?
Is she "boasting?"
Does she think that this is normal marriage behavior and wants to reinforce that idea?
My FWH's (any myself) thought on sharing details, we were just talking about this last night, is that it is not a good idea, as it may cause others to stumble. (creating thoughts, fantasies, glamorizing it)
The details are not necessary. A plan on how to avoid this happening is more important.
And of course POJA. I agree it is very insensitive of her to even consider this if it hurts you.
Last edited by Lgtex1; 12/06/11 11:41 AM.
BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3
Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.
Col. 2:8 (NLT)
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No, definitely not boasting. She is sincere about wanting to help other women. She is simply willing to re-hurt me in the process.
Someone said our marriage "never recovered". Care to elaborate?
Thanks for the input
Norm
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No, definitely not boasting. She is sincere about wanting to help other women. She is simply willing to re-hurt me in the process.
Someone said our marriage "never recovered". Care to elaborate?
Thanks for the input
Norm It's right there in your post, Norm. You answered your own question. She is simply willing to re-hurt me in the process.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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maritalbliss is exactly right. Your wife is willing to hurt you, to get what she wants at your expense. That is a serious problem in marriage. Left unchecked it can lead to disaster.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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maritalbliss is exactly right. Your wife is willing to hurt you, to get what she wants at your expense. That is a serious problem in marriage. Left unchecked it can lead to disaster. I also agree.
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No, definitely not boasting. She is sincere about wanting to help other women. She is simply willing to re-hurt me in the process. That is a poor excuse to throw her husband under the bus. It is clear she doesn't put her marriage first. Rather she puts her own personal charitable goals above her marriage, at the EXPENSE of her marriage. That is the kind of self centered thinking that led to her affair. Someone said our marriage "never recovered". Care to elaborate?
Thanks for the input
Norm Norm, it hasn't recovered in MB terms, meaning that she still engages in independent, thoughtless behavior that fails to take your feelings into account. Recovery, by Marriage Builders standards, means to create a romantic marriage that makes no moves without the other partners enthusiastic agreement.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders: "Isn't it interesting how someone can miss the point that mutual care in marriage is the only kind of care that makes sense? When your husband tells you that he wants you to care for him by suffering so he can have what he wants, he doesn't understand that this expectation means that he doesn't care about you. And that's the point." "Your married life has been full of sacrifice. Don't do it anymore. One person's dreams can be another's nightmares. When that's the case in marriage, the dream should be abandoned. Whenever a spouse asks you to sacrifice, it's that person's Taker talking. He's not caring for you at that moment. He wants to gain at your expense. We all make mistakes, but whenever your husband makes that one, don't oblige. Then you'll have nothing new to feel resentful about."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you all. Is there a book available containing "the policy of joint agreement"?
Thanks
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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CWMI, which book do you think would serve him the best? I can't decide. His Needs, Her Needs? That covers the POJA and it has a chapter on infidelity. I am thinking maybe that book along with Lovebusters. Lovebusters would address his wife's independent behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Can't go wrong with both. 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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For obvious reasons, I skipped any part about the POJA when first reading the books  , and went to the more interesting stuff. I learned about that nasty POJA in my MB lessons. I need to go back and do my homework on that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The best books for the policy of joint agreement are probably Fall in Love, Stay in Love, or Love Busters, or His Needs Her Needs For Parents (not the same book as His Needs Her Needs).
The other books mention it, but I don't think they really cover it in detail, if I remember right.
Fall in Love Stay in Love is a great book to have because it really lays out the entire basis for Dr. Harley's program, in one volume. The others give more detail, of course.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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For obvious reasons, I skipped any part about the POJA when first reading the books , and went to the more interesting stuff. BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! For the record, first time I read Love Busters, I just thought "Okay, don't do mean stuff to your spouse. I get it. This is pretty elementary, really." In one ear and out the other!!! I had a real moment of shock last year when I read one of the chapters in Love Busters and discovered it was full of practical material on how to actually STOP the Love Buster, and that it MUST be STOPPED, not just reduced.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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