WNC

Good to hear an update from you.

Isn't it something how the alcoholic always needs "Someone" to blame....

My X alcoholic WW at over six months D'd still blames me for two job losses...DUI...no money....Kids hating her....The list goes on and on.

I am very much like you and only had any contact when business HAD to be done to end all contact for good. She still tries to hook me with kids and medical problems.

The kids are both over 18 now. No business left overs from the M...Leaves nothing..no reason...period.

She like your X is still traveling in the same direction and worse and can't seem to figure out WHO the problem was and is.

Not that I was perfect but Lord knows I tried.

Hope to hear from you again.

Are you still with Dancin Guy?

nESRE

Yep, but there are some challenges there. And I'm not sure if they're dealbreakers for me, or not.
A few months ago, I'd made some mention of DancingGuy's younger daughter going all PD on him. I suspect some serious PA stuff going on here, and her mom had recently gotten a new boyfriend, and was starting to make changes (like serving lots of vegetarian meals) etc to accommodate the new guy. About this same time they'd gotten smartphones for the kids and a new high-end gaming system for DG's 13 year old son. On their family vacation late June, his youngest daughter pitched a screaming hissy fit in the hallway of their Grandma's apartment complex because he insisted she come along on a family dinner instead of staying back at her Grandma's apartment playing with her phone. She started screaming about how he hid money from his second job so he didn't have to pay as much child support and how she wanted to be around her "REAL family"-- meaning her mom, her new boyfriend, and her 2 year old half brother. DG did NOT drop everything to drive her home... they were scheduled to leave the next morning. He called me that night, though, crying about this and how he sometimes just thought about "ending it."

This was like a bucket of cold water in my face... and I've been uneasy on many levels ever since then.

The bratty little girl stayed away for about a month or so, then her mom started making her come back so she could have "alone time" with the boyfriend. She's gotten a little better since then, but still acts out occasionally. Her mom's taken her phone sometimes. I've told her that she's gonna have to keep her nose clean for horse time. She's had her first period since then and is about to turn 13.

The son, now 14, has descended into the unlovely world of online gaming addiction. This is ALL he wants to do at his dad's, sit on the couch and play online with his friends and older brother (21 and out of the house), cussing and complaining when glitches or rude people make things not go his way.

The oldest girl is 17, and aside from being a bit 'waifish' (really quiet and timid, expecting other people to take care of her, mysterious aches and pains and injuries) she's easy to get along with.

Dancing Guy waits on these kids hand and foot, spends money like crazy on them, and doesn't let them be accountable for any of their mistakes. Now, please understand I don't care how he spends his money. This isn't about me trying to control what he does or doesn't do. But when they trash his apartment over the weekend, "forget" important papers, items, etc and expect him to drop everything day and night to bring them what they forgot, and are generally self-absorbed and unappreciative of what he does for them... THEN I have a problem.

For example, last weekend we all went out to a movie and had a nice time. Youngest daughter was silly and giggly, son was sociable and engaged in conversations with everyone. It was nice, and it reminded me of how things used to be. Until he asked what they wanted for dinner... where did they want to go?

They all refused to answer. They got completely silent. He rattled off some of their favorites. They stayed completely silent. He went on and on offering up choices... this went on for several minutes before he finally offered up a local restaurant that's "in" right now... one that us adults aren't all that impressed with. The son and younger daughter say "great." Oldest daughter is ok with this, as are we adults. We go there. There's a line wrapping all around the building for drive through service and people lined out the door. (It's trendy right now.) We waited in line several minutes, only to find out their credit card machines are down. Neither of us adults have enough cash, so we try to figure out some other place, because even if we got $ for the ATM it'd still be a crazy busy place with mediocre food.

We're back to square one, driving around. Where do you want to go? No answer. No answer. No answer. Finally he says Runza, and oldest daughter agrees. Other two remain silent. We get to Runza, and oldest daughter says "We could do Taco Bell". (I think she was trying to appease the younger siblings, who still aren't talking.) Dancing Guy sighs, turns around in a parking lot, goes through an ATM and goes back to the first place with cash. Evening is pretty much wrecked, as all kids are in a bad mood and DG is upset. When they get back to his apartment, the two younger ones try to go back to their media-- younger daughter reads crappy romance anime stuff online and son goes to the gaming system, but he tells them they need to get their stuff together to go to their mom's and get the living room picked up before they leave. I go into the kitchen and try to make some sense of the mess in there... no dishes have been done all weekend, dishwasher barely works, crap piled everywhere and it smells. Toilet in bathroom broken, needs to be turned off manually after being flushed. Nothing works. He's been there for 7 years, since his divorce. He's got wet clothes in clothes baskets because coin-op machine is not working. I volunteer to get laundry started drying if he drops me off at laundromat before he takes the kids to their mom. I'm feeling VERY uneasy with all this, cleaning up this kitchen, knowing the kids are gonna forget stuff, and that if I don't help, DG will be working on some of this before he goes to bed and won't get ANY sleep before his next day starts at 2:00am for his 2 paper routes before his main job.

He drops me off at laundry, I plug machines and start clothes drying. I'm sick with worry for him, furious at the kids, and furious at HIM for allowing this situation to happen over and over again. Soon, he gets kids dropped off and joins me at the laundromat. We watch clothes dry, and make small talk. While folding the clothes, I notice that his son's new "speech class" outfit has sustained some damage... faded colors, likely from being left on the floor with a wet towel on it. I fold it up and don't say anything because I just don't want to be the one to tell him... he was proud of being able to get those clothes for his son, and now they are ruined because the kid couldn't be bothered to take care of them.

He asks me what's wrong, and I tell him I'm tired of watching his kids treat him like this... a conversation we've had before. But he wonders out loud why "no one respects" him. He's afraid he's "ruined" his kids by not establishing firmer rules earlier in their lives. He wants to hold on to them, and they're pulling away... part of it's their ages, but part of that is also a deficit in leadership. We talked more in the car, and he's admitted now that he has no idea why I stay with him. He feels so unworthy. He's talked too about how he used to be attracted to "crazy women" and that I was something new for him... and he's something new for me. Or IS he?

I don't like where this is going. I sometimes have this "sickening" feeling in my gut when I'm confronted with this stuff, and I don't like it-- but I've learned enough over the last few years that I LISTEN to it, now.

"If you begin by sacrificing yourself to those you love, you will end by hating those to whom you have sacrificed yourself. " George Bernard Shaw, "Maxims for Revolutionists"

I really love this man. But I see these poor personal boundaries of his and I worry. If he can't set rules and enforce them with his own children, how can I ever know he's being honest about his needs with me? The "old me" would have taken this situation in hand, cleaned his place so he didn't have to, and enforced some of his rules with the kids and tried to make some kind of difference to him, but I see now that this would only be co-dependent enabling. (more in next post)

Our conversation in his car was interrupted by multiple calls/texts from his kids who-- guess what?-- had forgotten stuff and wanted him to drop whatever he was doing to bring it to them. I offered to do it, and he said they'd meet me at the curb so I didn't have to go to the door, but they didn't come out. They didn't come to the door, either, when I knocked. So I had to leave their stuff in the screen door.

So, it's been a week since all this, and I've noticed my feelings are changed. I'm uneasy. He's noticed, on some level and has been a little more distant, too. He's also been bringing up religion more and more... something he knows we have some pretty vast differences about. He's also made it a point to bring up that he doesn't want to co-habitate at all unless he's remarried. (He's been looking for a new place.) He's acting like he expects me to pull the trigger and break up with him now-- and is conflicted about that.

There are several different things going on here.
1: I think I'm getting healthier. I'm spotting my own dysfunctional patterns of the past and not acting them out again! I'm also spotting other people's red flags. I've come to a point where I don't think I need male attention for any kind of validation. I feel stripped clean and raw, but ok with things being as they are. I need to rebuild my life now, and if things don't work out with DG, I'll be taking some time off and working more on myself.
2: DG might have been into crazy chicks before (he admitted this), but I wonder if part of my appeal for him is that I have a chronic illness. I'm legitimately sick, and I represent someone who could NEED him and want him long after his kids are grown. But what happens if I get healthier? Emotionally-- I'm able to take more risks now. Physically- what if I get less symptomatic and end up going back to work full time?
3: His appeal to me has always been that he's always PRESENT when we interact. He wants to be with me all the time, and wants to interact all the time. He's genuinely nice. He doesn't make me feel like I need to apologize when I'm sick and my symptoms interfere with our fun. My family *adores* him. He understands me... another overly cerebral, non-drinking thinker that is ok with me as I am.
4: I think he has some depressive stuff going on. I don't know how much of that is because he goes for days at a time lucky to have three hours of sleep a night. I'm not sure if he's just exhausted or something more serious is going on. He could be beat down so hard it's impossible to remember what "up" feels like. But his extreme feelings of worthlessness when dealing with his kids really have me worried. He hasn't gotten any counseling and I think he really could use some. If he's so worried he's "not worthy" to be with me, what does he know that I don't???
5: I worry if I'm being too sensitive and worrying unnecessarily about his red-flags. I know love can be messy and so can step-parenting. He's in a rough situation and he's got fleas, and I GET that. But some of this stuff butts up awfully close to "dealbreaker" territory for me to be comfortable. The fact that he'd talked about wondering about "ending it all" was a big, HUGE worry for me when he was in the thick of things with his daughter melting down. Now he's talking about not being sure why "someone like me" would stay with him. Sorry... but this sounds BPD to me. These two things have really gotten me on edge and are responsible for 90% of my wondering if I'll need to bolt at some point, and I don't know if I'm just being oversensitive or if I have a legitimate "red alert" situation.
6: Am I only staying because he's safe, my dog loves him and he's met my family and hasn't run screaming? Am I too cowardly to try to find someone who might be a better fit? I'm trying to come to grips with some of my worries about being sexual. I'm heavy and not at all secure of my attractiveness. I KNOW he likes me. Putting myself back out there to potentially be rejected again is scary as hell.

I'm kind of weirded out by all this. Also, we've been dating for a year and a half now, and it still feels kind of unnatural. We both seem to be a little on edge... him trying to fuss over me, and me unsure how to relax with someone paying constant attention to me. My ex kind of ignored me a lot-- and it's a bit alarming to realize how ok I was, with that.

Ok, so... I'm disorganized and not feeling well tonight, but I think I got enough out to go on. What do you guys think of all this? I can clarify more if I need to.

WNC

Wow. Quite a bit there in your posts to digest.

Worked all weekend at a church Christmas dinner show and had to do paperwork for job when I got home so I can get paid this week.

Its late here and I will try to get back tommorrow night.

I to met someone a few months ago and maybe can share a little with you of our experience so far that may help. Not sure.

Don't want to log off w/o responding. Hope you understand.

I owe, I owe so off to work I'll go...very early

nESRE

WNC

After 4am. Not going to sleep again unless I post this.

Very simple exercise. A lot of solid truth in it. No right or wrong for me. I already did my own some time ago.

This is totally personal to you.

Get a full page of blank paper.

Draw a tri-angle on it.

Put DG's name on the left side bottom outside the tri-angle. Draw an arrow going up the outside to the top.

Put WNC's name on the right side bottom outside the tri-angle. Draw an arrow going up the outside to the top.

Draw a big heart at the top. This represents WNC's hearts desire. You fill in the blank with what "THAT" is.

Then go up your side and include a list of "WHAT" it is that is helping you to reach that heart individually/or as a couple.

Then go up DG's side and include a list of "WHAT" it is you see (your perception or known fact to you )as helping this relationship individually/or as a couple to reach that heart.



This visual represents your R with DG and where you together and individually in your R are going.

What is the goal or expectations WNC has?



You see nESRE's opinion doesn't count as worth one red cent here at all since all the componants of this tri-angle are yours and yours alone.

This is your reality.

This is WNC's life.

What reality is WNC persueing? How is WNC going to get to her HEARTS desire?

Is the current path working for you?

Your reality is up to you not me.


Hope this helps. There is more to the tri-angle beyond this so draw it out just like I wrote.

nESRE

Been thinking about all this... will be back to it when I can. Am in the midst of taking care of sick relatives...