Know this.
There will be pain, no matter what happens.

Also know this.
YOU will be OK because you are strong & good.

I would not get dragged into any long conversations if you know what I mean. Oh and he wont listen to anything about how hurt you are - he will only be able to hear stuff where you tell him what will happen to HIM - waywards are selfish.

Waywards LOVE to blame the betrayed spouse. When he goes on one of his rants, I would just say: 'You are so important to me. That is why I need you to end your affairs.

or

'When you end your affairs, we will work on that together' (notice I say when, not if - confidence is key)

or

'I know I can make you happy (said with a sexy smile) Just as soon as your affairs are over and you recommit to our marriage'

If he says

'I think I want a divorce'

Say sweetly 'I want a happy marriage but divorce is where you are headed if you do not change your behaviour'

Be a broken record. Listen to him, but do not react or get into a discussion. Just say your broken record response, then walk off with a wiggle and make cookies or something. Or put on his shirt and walk around. Give him a wink if you catch him watching you.

One question. In plan A, do I have sex with him or not?

It's up to you.
You do risk STDs if you have sex with him.
Use protection .... it's better than nothing.

kappy, welcome to MB and I am sorry that you have had to come here.

From what I can gather, your H is no longer living with you and will not commit to an exclusive relationship with you. He is still seeing OW. He has also recently had sex with another OW, as the first OW found a text on his phone. This first affair has been going on for a year. Is that right?

kappy, you must put a stop to this at once. The time for Plan A is long past. This man is enjoying himself immensely living like a single man, having sex with possibly more than one woman and having you, his wife, cater for his other needs and take care of his children.

Far from needing Plan A, this man needs to have his man parts cut off - but I think that's against the law in most countries.

You need to to be Plan B. Far from meeting his needs for sex or anything else, you need to cut off all communication with him, having first given him an ultimatum to end his affair and all contact with OW before you will consider reconciling with him.

First you need to understand Plan B, and read Dr Harley's explanation of why it is necessary and what it is designed to achieved. Please read Dr Harley's article What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Having read that, you need to prepare for, and then use, Plan B. You cannot just go into Plan B by refusing to speak to your H from today onwards. Plan B needs to be set up so that it does not break down through poor planning.

You need to make financial arrangements so that he continues to support you and the children while separated. You need to find an intermediary; someone who will deal with crucial communication between the two of you should it become necessary. (Crucial communication is things like one of your children being admitted to hospital; not chit-chat about the book he left lying in the bedroom.)

A thread written by an experienced MB poster gives step-by-step advice on the practicalities of Plan B. Please read How to Plan B CORRECTLY.

Don't let your H know that Plan B is coming. Get on with making your plans and drafting a Plan B letter, and come here for feedback. When we tell you when you are ready - and I hope this takes less than a week - then send your H the Plan B letter and, as we say, "go dark".

Keep posting here with your plans and questions.

Ok. So far so good ( I think!! ). We have text and spoken a little today. I was nice and happy and non relationship at all. I even flirted with him a little with some cute and flirty texts. He responded positively. He obviously liked it and even contributed. I joked about a 45 days of wild sex manual. I asked if he would let me try it on him. He said probably not be ause that means he'd have to be home for 45 days and he's not ready to commit to that. I joked back, not ready yet! But I have the manual ready to go for when that day comes! 😜

Earlier, there was a shooing in the area and because of his line of work I ha to. She sure he was ok. So I told him to be careful an take care of himself because our clan needs it's leader. He said he was not in a position to lead. I answered that even great leaders have issues at some point or another but that only makes them greater leaders. I told him I had faith in his leadership skills and knew one day he'd be able to lead our family again. Then I backed off because I felt him back off a little.

Was that good??? I can use pointers! Thanks!

Can someone tell me of I did good with part A??

Very smart move and quick thinking on your part.


Excellent !


YES !

Sorry I was delayed responding.

How are you holding up?
Getting sleep?
Eating?
Enjoying little joys throughout the day?
Self pampering?

Never forget self pampering in Plan A. It keeps your "taker" happy.... at least for awhile.

Thanks peppermint. I totally understand. I know u have a life too. I'm pretty good. My bad days, and there were many, are behind me. I do get stressed and I do get anxious but I can control it now.

Question: I was reading this self assesment book that helps you asses you issues. It recommends writing an oath or promise sort of of what your marriage would be like once you can get back in track. I did write and ur was quite eye opening to realize all the mistakes I did. Should I give it to him or not. It's all positive things that I'm changing and promising to do throughout my marriage line respect, prioritize etc.. What do u think??

Pepperband responding in place of Peppermint ....

Can you share this with us first?
It sounds like something that might be appropriate (at least in part) to a Plan B letter. Or maybe before that, depending on what you wrote.