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One last thing..I see you said you feel bad for everything you are putting your kids and husband thru..so instead of easing their pain you are just posting away with more excuses causing them more pain making them feel responsible when in reality they didn't want any of this..they had no choice in the matter..God..I hate that I was like this..what a @#$@#$@ I was!
I don't think I was ever trying to place the blame on them or anyone else for that matter. I do blame myself.
When one takes ownership of their own behavior, they don't confess and then commence to cite the perceived shortcomings of SOMEONE ELSE. That is a WAYWARD TACTIC. And you did that in your first post here:
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When I try to rationalize what I did I can come up so many things that I was feeling. Before we bought the house I was feeling a distance between senninpa before. I would see something in his behavior that made me think "well that is a unlike him" I would disregard it then something else would come up. Repeatedly, so then I thought he is having a relations with someone else. (still have that thought). No this is no excuse for my actions just mentioning what I felt.
That is not taking accountability for your crimes.
The reason you have affairs is because you have inappropriate boundaries around men. You know, more than anyone else, that you cannot be around men without your husband. YOU KNOW THIS.
Step one is to NEVER be alone with a [non-relative] male EVER. With a serial cheater the solution is much more than cutting off contact with ONE PERSON.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Pep- I hate looking in the past to see how selfish I was..are there reasons? Sure..but no excuse..I just wished I knew and was more aware of all this many years ago..I really hadn't posted much on here I just read it everyday, I just felt like posting on this one for some reason. It's really ugly looking back when you were a wayward and having been betrayed allows you to see it very clearly. BTW- You guys are great and I apoologize if I am not helping out..I was shaking as I was posting..I just wished we spent more time on this before we ever get to this place..Like in high school but we don't care about this stuff at that age
So tell me what you believe are boundaries so I can get a better idea of where i went wrong and where I can learn from without the jabs please!
Some practical advice and reading material:
* Buy your own copy of SAA, if you do not have one, and start reading with a highlighter. If you've got your husband's copy, keep reading that in the meantime while you wait for your copy to arrive. * Watch this video: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html
* Read two entire sections of this website: Basic Concepts, and How to Survive Infidelity. There are pages and pages of links there. Read them all. * Find out how you can place a call to Dr. Harley for help, free * Read about Extraordinary Precautions. This answers the question you actually asked: how do I have good boundaries. If you wish, you may do this first. * Post to us about each of these things as you do them. Ask questions that show you have been reading and are making plans to ACT.
All of the above material will give you a massive amount of practical suggestions. These things to do will help you if you DO them. We can help you by pointing out when you are talking instead of acting.
Last edited by markos; 12/07/1109:30 AM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
If you had been following this rule, you would not be in your current mire of pain-o-rama.
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2. The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important emotional needs.
Right now, during early recovery ... do not measure how BH is meeting your needs. He's in survival mode. YOU do the 'heavy lifting' of recovery without expectations of reciprocity (for now).
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3: The Rule of Time: Give your spouse your undivided attention.
You listen. You dispense hugs. You do not whine or complain about your feelings at this time.
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4. The Rule of Honesty: Be completely honest with your spouse.
Make honesty a daily goal. If you had been practicing this, you'd not be in your current mess of being the cause of so much misery.
You said you have been NC a month - how do you PLAN keeping that?
As for boundaries - think along, please - what have you done to make your affairs possible? LIKE: - relationship talks with other men, sharing personal information with them, like "Oh I know what you mean, my H is exactly the same, he does this..." - lying to my H constantly, omitting the truth, leaving out things that shed the "wrong kind of light" to you, using kids or other relatives as my cover - having independent lifestyle, doing what, where, when I want at the expense of my H, not discussing your daily things with him, not valuing his opinion, not putting much emphasis on what he has to say - spending time with other men recreationally, company parties, "just lunches" etc - acting like if you were a single person, and not giving a damn about your H's needs whatsoever
Feel free to add, this is good practise
Last edited by Mrs_Recon6mo; 12/07/1109:41 AM. Reason: adding some more
Me, FWW: 43 Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44 DD20 and DS23 3 cats Married 23 years, together 24 Divorcing
[ * Read about Extraordinary Precautions. This answers the question you actually asked: how do I have good boundaries. If you wish, you may do this first.
This is where I would begin. I would read the thread on Extraordinary precautions and start working on your own plan. I would work on this today and have it ready for your husband when he comes home tonight. He needs to be SAFE from you more than anything.
It will take you a LONG TIME and a LOT of work to earn his forgiveness, but that would be a good first start.
You need to render aide to your VICTIMS and that is a good first step.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Seeinpawife..I think your in great hands here..I really do wish you well. The cool thing, is that when you get it things will click..it won't take away the pain but it will allow you to build a better life with your husband and kids. It will allow you to help others, teach your kids how a marriage should really work and hopefully will allow you a deeper emotional connection with the one you love.
Good luck..if you have a question for me please ask..
So tell me what you believe are boundaries so I can get a better idea of where i went wrong and where I can learn from without the jabs please!
I'm sure this was directed to me so I'll jump in here to show you I'm not a complete meanie.
You're going to be getting good examples from posters about ways you can personally care for yourself so that you do not put yourself and your marriage in harm's way. For example: Never discuss your personal or marital issues with a member of the opposite sex. I even take it one step further: I never discuss my marital concerns with anyone but my husband.
The advice will be practical and spot-on, knowing our members. However, you have to also understand that there is a program here to affair-proof your marriage. It's important that you understand this and utilize all of the program, not just pieces here and there.
While you're learning about boundaries, you also need to read SAA to learn how to revitalize your marriage. If the only thing you do is tighten up your boundaries without learning how to build a great marriage, you may be left feeling resentful or dissatisfied because the conditions of your marriage will not have changed. That will leave you vulnerable to loosening up your boundaries again.
You need to learn all of the concepts.
Now I'll throw this back to you: consider your past actions and things that you did that left the door open to having an affair. What were those things? How would you do things differently in the future? In other words, what do YOU believe your boundaries should be?
Last edited by maritalbliss; 12/07/1109:45 AM.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Taking blame is a person looking for punishment, or retribution. Taking responsibility is a person looking for solutions and lessons.
Words of gold!
My STBXWW never minded taking blame for anything. 'Oh well it was me. Now lets move on' has always been her attitude. That is definatly not taking resposibility. Finding solutions, lessons learned and JUST COMPENSATION is taking resposibility.
Oh and lessons learned does not mean figuring out how to not get caught next time.
Me = BH DDay Dec. 2010 D filed Oct 2011 (by me) D final 3/16/12
Tonight, tell Senn you are eager to take the poly so you can prove your honesty and relieve some of his discomfort. Tell him to call and schedule it. Tell him you will be there with bells on. Happy to do it. Tell Senn you will joyfully PAY FOR THE POLY by selling your guns and or your motorcycle.
Tonight, tell Senn you are eager to take the poly so you can prove your honesty and relieve some of his discomfort. Tell him to call and schedule it. Tell him you will be there with bells on. Happy to do it. Tell Senn you will joyfully PAY FOR THE POLY by selling your guns and or your motorcycle.
I am ready for poly whole heatedly and told him so. I have been reading SAA, his needs her needs. I am searching for self help articals going to buys some books. I am trying but this is not an over night make over.
I am the WS BH, love him dearly
~It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. ~Ashleigh Brilliant
~When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
I am ready for poly whole heatedly and told him so. I have been reading SAA, his needs her needs. I am searching for self help articals going to buys some books. I am trying but this is not an over night make over.
Excellent! When are you scheduled to take it?
This is definitely not an overnight process, but doing it right is infinitely faster than NOT doing it over and over and over.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
I am ready for poly whole heatedly and told him so. I have been reading SAA, his needs her needs. I am searching for self help articals going to buys some books. I am trying but this is not an over night make over.
There are only TWO books you need to be reading. Don't muddy the waters by getting other books that have no plan. The TWO books you need are: Surviving an Affair and Five STeps to Romantic Love. The part you should especially focus on FIRST will come from this board by establishing extraordinary precautions.
ARe you ready to implement extraordinary precautions to protect your husband and kids from a repeat affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
so I'll jump in here to show you I'm not a complete meanie.