For more than two and a half years I have attempted to resolve infidelity and boundary issues. I sweated blood to stop my angry outbursts and won but the issues of continued (decade plus) of emotional abuse and lack of safety have me here.
I feel no other choice at this point but to file.
I have been married almost 14 years and had a 12 year marriage with my first wife implode when she ran off after a lengthy affair with a family friend (that lasted less than a year after she filed). I was a batchelor for 7 years before this marriage.
I know the lawyers games, the process, and the traps from sad hard won experience.
What do I need to know that I already wouldn't?

Hurting Turkey
Me: BS 57
WW: 50
Ours: DS 12

I'm sorry this has happened to you HT. This is my first D so I have no idea. Its the STBXWW's 3rd divorce (go figure). Right now I am waiting on her to sign the property settlement so I can refinance the house but she will delay that just because she can.

I also didn't want to file, but felt I had no choice. I do feel much better about things tho. I am looking forward to the day it is finalized and I am free from her decision making. Now that my $LB for her is the lowest its ever been, I can look back over the past 8 years and realize it was never as good as I thought it was. It was actually a mess created by her and enabled by me the entire relationship. She's not as pretty to me as she used to be and I've realized that she has had a wayward mindset the whole time I've known her and I thank Marriage Builders for showing me that.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Welcome. I'm so sorry.

Did you have children with your first wife? If you didn't, then you need to make sure you are aware of the legal issues surrounding custody for your area. Other than that, just be careful about hiring a lawyer who is smart, tough, and no-nonsense and who returns your calls. That's how I would describe my second lawyer. My first lawyer was tough and had a great reputation. However, she was impossible to get in touch with, and her office was disorganized.

WW now knows that I will file. It is tragic to see her suddenly act caring and nice. Tears me apart really.
I have Plan A'd for over two years.
Somehow... I am suddenly "threatening and hateful" when I came to the conclusion that I cannot live this way and twenty seconds later there are expressions of caring anc concern.
Oh how I wanted that for two years.
I am not angry. I feel more like I just turned off a light switch and the switch was wired to hope.
I do not want to be "mean." I just want to get away from the emotional abuse. It is too much.
I can honestly say this is not an emotional decision. It is a logical one supported mainly by protection for my emotional health.
If I am being unfair when suddenly she wants to find ways to work things out?
I have zero and I do mean zero trust.

Hurting Turkey
Me: BS 57
WW: 50
Ours: DS 12




Hurting Turkey
Me: BS 57
WW: 50
Ours: DS 12

HT,

Did you ever get a polygraph for your W?

God Bless
Gamma

Hurting - Is she willing to come to the table with some tough EP's that includes, Polygraph, confession of OM#2 (and to his wife if there is one), a post-nuptial agreement giving you full custody and CS, and full transparency?

That is exactly how I described the moment I knew I was done with my WXH. It was like a switch in my brain went 'flip' and I knew I would never take him back.

Nothing to feel bad about that you reached your breaking point.

(((ht)))

What were the results of the poly? I assume you had her take one. Posters who have gone from the SAA forum to the Divorcing forum have done all they're going to do with their wayward and are getting out of their marriage. What happened that prompted you to start posting on the Divorcing forum?

LostNTime, Kirby, Gamma, itistoughlove, SmilingWomen, Maritalbliss, Thank you.
As I type tears are pouring down my right cheak. Just knowing that somebody understands and cares enough to answer my post means much more to me than I can express in words.
In counseling with an IMAGO therapist that follows MB principles we were discussing one of my WW's LB's when I realized the lack of empathy in her. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe two tons. Suddenly I felt overwhelmingly "done." It hit me that I no longer feel pride in my WW and I simply asked if she felt any remorse and she responded with an attack. Counselor was astonished and tried to bring her back on track. The willingness to establish No Contact with a "friend" with whom she had an EA in her first marriage was refused. When asked to address Extraordinary Precautions for the safety of our marriage she refused and stated that "Marriages don't need contracts" and this was followed by a denial of OM # 1 ("I just said that about him to get you off my back since he is now dead").
I realized that emotionally I am not safe. I asked about the identify of OM #2 (I know who it is)and was told there was no OM #2 and I asked if she was willing to have a polygraph on which the first question would be if she has utilized a pay as you go phone (I know factually she had one as I found it and she does not know that). She rejected the validity of a polygraph and said she was not going to waste our money and then told me that I was sick in the head and that I was imagining things and told the counselor "see what a sick man I have to live with."
I just came to the conclusion after the meeting that I cannot go on like this.
Subsequent to the counseling meeting I gave my WW a list of what I believe are necessary steps to continue our marriage. These included a no contact letter with the "friend" noted above, an accounting of who OM #2 was (he was a student she attended nursing school with) and her commitment to the MB principles, the polygraph, and extraordinary precautions in relationships with males outside of family. She told me that I was being hateful and threatening.
I gently told her that I was finally standing up and going to take the steps necessary to give me safety and caring and that I wanted to reestablish a romantic and loving marriage.
Last evening she avoided discussing my requests and insted offered to renew our vows beneath our Christmas tree. She kissed me nicely and was attentive. Wanted to have SF (how I wanted that from a physical standpoint but could not physically respond which is almost unbelieveable to me).
I just feel its over.
I can't stop hurting. I feel like maybe I am a weak man but I also know I have been trying with all my heart and I know that I simply don't feel safe. I have lived in terror for so long that all I feel now is relief and a mixture of guilt and sadness.
I guess the hardest thing to admit is that my love for her has disappeared. I did not want that to happen. It makes my life feel like a lie.
I have no illusions that a D will make things better or that I will be much better off. I worry about our 12 year old terribly I just am exhausted an out of gas.
For a long time I could love her for her weaknesses. I just realized that I am exhausted because I have no strength to care for myself anymore because I have been caring with everything I have in me for her.
maritalbliss, I read your comment "posters that have done all there going to do" and I feel guilty. Maybe I am wrong?
Sometimes I feel like I am crazy.
I know the fog babble that I heard in our last session was just that. I also know that for many years I ignored her requests to stop my angry outbursts and somehow lied to myself about their significance - until I read Dr. Harley.
I will be off work this afternoon and will take the time to prepare the D filing paperwork.
Maybe I am just what I said... a weak man. Sometimes I wish my Dad were still alive because I know he would tell me that I have an obligation to keep my family in tact.
My sincere apology for not being a better, stronger man.

Hurting Turkey
Me: BS 57
WW: 50
Ours: DS 12

You do have an obligation to do all you can do. But it sounds like you have done that even to the point of hurting yourself. I seriously doubt your dad would want that for you.

Does she know you are filing for divorce?

SmilingWoman,
Yes. I am sure she feels that by being "nice" to me she can make me stop. I wish the sudden attention and sudden smiles and caring tone in her voice was real. Maybe it never was. I am just emotionally exhausted. I (many, many, many years ago) used to run marathons. I know what digging deep inside means. I guess the sad enlightenment I have had is that maybe, must maybe, digging deep inside now means not staying in an intolerable situation anymore and putting it in the past. This is amongst the hardest things I have ever done. Even this morning found evidence of her smart phone email being utilized to OM. She sent him a picture of the fire in our fireplace. She had sent me the same picture minutes before by MMS but was careful to send to him using her cell phone email to text capability so that it would not show up on phone bill messaging.
It took a long time to figure out that this guy was using his ex wife's answering machine message on a pay as you go phone but my perseverance paid off.
WW plays dumb about her knowledge of how to fully use her cell phone capabilities....
It is hopeless.
\
Hurting Turkey
Me: BS 57
WW: 50
Ours: DS 12

Yes, that sort of deviousness should not be tolerated. And then to paint you as 'crazy'..yeah, that is what sent me over the edge too.

My WXH had an affair with my 19 year old cousin. Then they both lied about it for 7 years.(He denied it happened, she denied she told the story to one of her friends) Then he starts FB'ing her and when I see her as his 'friend' I flip out and tell him it is hurtful to me and why would he want to be FB friends with a 'woman' who told such lies about him? He refuses to remove her. Then he says, 'oh, well, I will tell you what, you send our ds to public school and I will remove her as friend.' All the while I am on MB trying to be the best wife I can be, having 'helpful' people here blast me for not doing what he wanted with regard to the school issue...and WXH is on IM on his laptop with my cousin talking filth and planning a hook up. When I installed the keylogger and put all those pieces together and got confirmation that not only was he in a current affair with an office mate, AND that he did indeed have an affair with my cousin 7 years earlier...yeah, I was done.

Don't feel guilty HT. It is your decision. I know I would have never been able to trust such a man ever again.

HT,

Did you ever expose OM2, or speak to him?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma:

Yes, sort of but his ex did not care and he and WW learned the tactic from my exposure of OM #1 and I ran into a pre-emptive strike with WW's family. I even have some of HIS cell phone bills to my WW on our home phone when I was not at home(I guess the wind blew them out of his mailbox into my car...:).
I have had two broken windshields since that time (must be lots of gravel on the road late at night when my car is parked). I thought he was gone and he may or may not be. The recent phone games could be #3 or the old EA from my WW's first marriage. Although I have monitored recently I just have kind of given up really caring about confirming the who.
I considered speaking to OM # 2 and candidly, became afraid that I could be placed in a very negative light given that I hold a very public job. But he knows that I know. Over the past year since I exposed him) he has clearly had a new girl friend and I had assumed until recently he was gone.

On the plus side, I know I am a good man. The self blame that led to self hatred has at least subsided and I know I can make it on my own.

Thank you.

Blessings
Hurting Turkey
Me: BS 57
WW: 50
Ours: DS 12

Hi, HT.

What do you need to know?
I think the important thing would be that not all women cheat. If I were in your shoes, I would probably know this conceptually, but in my gut I would have serious doubts.

Also, you are not weak to get a divorce when you know it's over for you. You wake up one day, and you just know it's over, completely over. The crazy thing is that for the WS it's often not over. All along, the WS (or otherwise deadbeat spouse) has refused to put a modicum of effort into the marriage. Your feelings and desires didn't count, so long as the WS got what the WS wanted.

The one day the WS comes home from work to find out you're serious and you're leaving. This is a surprise to the WS. He or she didn't know. And, suddenly, they are panic struck because now their feelings are involved.

There may be some here that would say "If she's willing to work on the marraige now, it doesn't matter what motivated her." I'm NOT one of those. There are too many people out there who are willing to make adjustments, or even big changes, if their significant others are unhappy.