The other thing I don't get is that I'm supposed to confront him about this OW#2, expose the affair, then turn around and be all lovey-dovey with him?

No. It causes a huge fight. We don't speak for hours. Everything is awkward and uncomfortable. Terrible things are said. He's in pain, I'm in pain. If I try to be affectionate or loving or caring or offer sex in the face of it all, I get shot down and get the "you are a hormonal psycho" look.

Exposure does not destroy marriages. It saves marriages. Almost all of the success stories here were due to exposure. Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, says:

here

I didn't know about MB for almost 3 years after Dday. I did exposure in a very half-*(& way. But I did expose.

Thankfully the exposure I did worked. I exposed to her parents, and our kids. Two groups that she feared repercussions from the most. I also exposed to OMW (who already knew but decided to not tell me).

It worked. I recommend FULL exposure though, as Dr. Harley suggests, because the wider the exposure circle, the better results you get (and possibility of support in saving the M).

My wife? She was thankful for the exposure. It sealed the end of her affairs. She didn't have to carry the secret with those she loved most and was held accountable.

Did I tell you to be all "lovey dovey" with him? What are you talking about?


Wow, you mean he would be upset at exposure?? I can't believe it!!

POM, when you expose the affair your husband will, OF COURSE, be furious. It would be silly to think otherwise. He will be enraged, will make all sorts of threats, "I am going to divorce you now.." blah, blah, blah....

That is an EXPECTATION. You don't fight, don't get upset and don't try to reason with him. And most of all, you don't come here and post his fogbabble because we don't CARE what he says. What we care about is what YOU say.

Ok, ok you guys are getting through

So wait for him to cool down from the rage of exposure (which could be days, I presume?) and THEN present the plan for recovery?

I also read that the Dr. is not so quick to expose when there is insufficient evidence of the affair. I don't think I have enough to go on yet with OW#2. He says "have enough to convince a jury" before exposure...I definitely don't have that on OW#2...yet.

Hey listen Plan A is most certainly lovey-dovey, especially if I am to focus on meeting the most intimate emotional needs of the relationship so he can fall back in love. Affection, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment and conversation = lovey dovey for sure. And it is so flippin hard to do that when you know you have all this dirt on him and all these suspicions and you KNOW he's sitting there lying to you.

I keep making these little digs about honesty and trust... LB's I know...

What you will expose is what you HAVE to her husband. You can also tell Human Resources to investigate their emails, etc to see what is going on there.

And no, you should be presenting your conditions as soon as possible to your husband. You don't wait. He will calm down enough on the first day for you to tell him. He might reject it at first, so be prepared for that. When he rejects it, just stick to your story and be a broken record.


Plan A only means that you a) eliminate lovebusters and b) convey a WILLINGNESS to meet his needs IN THE FUTURE IF HE COMMITS TO THE MARRIAGE AND ENDS ALL CONTACT WITH THESE WOMEN.

Plan A is being FIRM and resolved.


Which lovebuster would that be EXACTLY? The basic issue is that he is not honest and can't be trusted. You need to be saying that. That is not a lovebuster.

Have you read about the concepts? What have you read so far?

I like this idea of giving him a letter. It removes all the emotions and he can read it and then when he calms down you can discuss it. So why not write it out with the elements I gave you and give him the letter after you expose? Give him the letter, ask him to read it so you can discuss later.

The reason you don't want to wait on OW#2 is because you are unlikely to EVER get the evidence since it is in the past. What are the odds they would talk about something in the past? It might never come up. Just go with what you have.

I would also make a copy of it in case he throws a tantrum and tears it up or something. Mel's right though, he will calm down enough the first day.

CV

There will only be a fight if you engage with him in a fight. So...don't.

Stay calm. You are on a mission, sister. There is no need to expend the energy by having a knock-down, drag-out. Be cool, be collected, be resolved. Don't fight back.

You don't need to be lovey-dovey with him, either. Lay down your conditions. Tell him you love him and want to keep your marriage and 'here is what it will take.' How he reacts is his business (and he'll no doubt howl like a banshee, because that's what waywards do, so expect it.) YOU remain calm.

Yes, emails seem to work with him so I could write a letter. Good idea.

WILLINGNESS to meet his needs....ah, that makes sense now.

I figured my jabs were LBs (angry outbursts) because they are snarky and always piss him off real quick and usually start an argument:

Exihibt A: I have this info that I'm sitting here stewing on... this morning as we are leaving the house I give him a school pic of one of our boys and I say "here, put in your office...maybe it'll help keep you honest"

And he gets pissed. "You see," he says "you are hell-bent on destroying us".

I read all the basic concepts.

I would lose the snarkiness and take a more direct approach like the one I suggested.

Note: Waywards could cause an argument in an empty house and would try to pick a fight with our lord.

You: Gosh, you're handsome and support me so well.

WH: I knew it! You are shallow about looks and only want me for my money.

This is where reverse fog babble is so useful because you can come back with anything, it doenst have to make sense.

A) Yes we are a good looking couple, arent we?
B) Want a cookie?
c) I especially like your sexy chin dimple...

etc....

Sarcasm is a form of disrespectful judgment.

Eliminating it was extremely hard for me.

And completely worth it.

(I still get to be kind of flirty sarcastic, sometimes, when she appreciates it. But that's different.)

Major turn of events...

For the past two nights he's come home late. Not VERY late but about 20mins late or so - without good reason. The GPS tracker was giving me a weird address that looked like nothing but a parking lot so I was suspicious yes, but not yet convinced (denial).

I went to check out the spot yesterday during lunch. Yes, just a parking lot about a 1 minute drive from his job. I left work early and drove straight there last night. And of course found his car parked there. I searched the parking lot but could not find the two of them (OW#!). Eventually he came walking down the street with his tail between his legs.

He said it was just this one time, they were planning to just go around the block to Starbucks, blah, blah blah. I know not to believe any of that. So of course, at this point I accept that it's been physical and that they met secretly (that I know of) at LEAST TWO more times since I caught them and since there was supposed to be NC.

I immediately exposed to OW's BS. Admittedly it was in the heat of the moment and I should have calmed down and thought it through a little more carefully and handled it a bit better but I left a message at his place of employment and now his whole office knows. My intention was not to hurt him but to expose.

I got everything from my WH last night. Remorse, regret, promises for total transparency, ZERO contact, even tears almost.

Everything except - now he has to talk to her to go over the repercussions of MY actions in calling HIM. Such effing BS. I was not prepared for the excuse this would give him to talk to her today. Not quite sure how to handle it today. I have insisted and demanded that he simply write an email but they already talked once and will continue to talk today no matter what I say. It is SO infuriating to me that I am on the verge of doing and saying things that I know I will regret so please help me cope with this portion of it.

BTW - I am a total convert - exposure WORKS! He was sooooo p!ssed and said all the things you guys said he would and I kept calm and kept telling myself "this means it's working!"

BUT... the twist is that now he says he sees me in a different light, and how could "I" ruin someone ELSE's life like that blah, blah, blah I know BUT...it's definitely making me VERY unattractive to him right now so now what?

Now you ride the exposure wave and stick to the plan. Remind him if he contacts OW he's gone and plan A your behind off. Of course he will blame you, but continue with exposure until the affair is completely dead. Finish the exposure today... friends, family, mailman, everyone you are close to that doesn't know.

Ok I did say that in many different ways shapes and forms. The question is, how do I ACT now?

We have a holiday luncheon in a couple of hours so I will see him. Do I act like the fabulous wife I'm so supposed to be during Plan A or let him know that I am done because when I hung up the phone with him just now, it was because SHE was calling to discuss the events of last night. And I said, "I already told you how I feel, do what you gotta do". He IS GOING to talk to her today regardless of what I say or do. My threats are empty to him because I told him last night there was still hope if he was willing to do all those things he promised me. **please wipe your feet on me before entering**