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You are doing the right thing - letting him accept the consequences for his actions.
Will he agree to no contact with the OW?
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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WH is still home but sleeping in another room by his choice. My FIL has been very supportive and my DC are furious with WH. His anger towards me is so hard to bear, even though I know I am right and he is wrong. I just
have to be patient. Please continue to pray for my marriage as I pray for all of you. Good job, readytowork!! Please come back and let us help you with next steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either.
BW (48)
WH (49)
23 year married, 27 1/2 together
daughter 18, son, 16
WH planning to leave for OW
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WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either. Have you spoken to an attorney? You need to know NOW what your rights are, not later. Have you considered Plan B? Have you read MF's Plan B notable post? It takes time to get Plan B ducks lined up. Start today. Plan B can be put off awhile, but begin the preparations now. HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.
TIMING
~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that�s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.
DETAILS ON HOUSING
~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS�s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.
INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.
IM�s ROLE
~An IM�s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley�s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It�s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.
They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.
The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.
If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.
If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.
CHANGING THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE
~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn�t have cash and didn�t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.
A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don�t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.
PLAN B LETTER
~Write a �love letter� to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).
Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.
Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.
Close the letter with �I love you and will be praying for you� or something similar.
Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a �love letter� so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It�s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.
ADDENDUM
~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.
In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.
IF THE WS ATTEMPTS CONTACT
IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.
If it�s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.
_________________________
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Meanwhile, do the wifely Plan A things.
Look & smell good.
Cook delicious meals.
Play music.
Laugh.
Sing.
Have a manicure.
Offer WH some snacks you know he likes.
If you become overwhelmed with emotions, excuse yourself and go somewhere else. The shower if it's too late to go out at night.
Where is WH eating his meals?
Where is WH getting his laundry done?
Last edited by Pepperband; 12/06/11 01:28 PM.
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WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either. You are right, you can't live like this. He will drive you right straight into a nervous breakdown. What your husband wants is to have his cake and eat it too, at the expense of your mental and physical health. He wants all the benefits of a loving home environment while he carries on his affair right under your nose. The answer is Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. I would insist that he move out and then go into Plan B. Getting him to move out just before Christmas and not allowing him to come into your home will be the wake up call of the century for him. He will be able to see what it is like to be divorced. Moving out will wreck his affair much faster than living at home. Dr Harley, clinical psychologist recommends going into Plan B after THREE WEEKS in order to protect your mental health. You won't make it for eighteen months. For him to ask you to endure his cruel behavior is thoughtless. It will be beyond your endurance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either. I agree Plan B - Almost all say this after EXPOSURE. Dr. Harley says that is usually takes six months after Expsoure to have the affair die a natural death. Plan B will help him feel the pain a little bit quicker. My WH is full blown wanting a divorce. He didn't realize it wasn't going to be a fantasy divorce. The one where we all meet for Holidays, birthdays, weddings, BBQ's, and talk on the phone daily while they run off blissfully into the Adultery partners arms and everyon is happy go lucky! Show him what divorce will look like. "WS you go through this divorce and destroy our family I promise you this ... I will surgically remove you and everything about you from my life. I promise you this ... You will be as good as dead to me. WS you ripped my heart, our children's hearts, and our family apart for a wh0re who will throw you away one day. I promise you this WS ... You and I will never share a holiday, birthday, wedding, space, or anything. I will not ever speak to you again. You will only hear from me in email until our kids are graduated. I will then vanish out of your life FOREVER! WS ... THIS I PROMISE YOU!!!"
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WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. To maintain control over this, you could tell him to leave the house if he insists on continuing with the adultery with "Bill's wife"...or whatever her husband's name is. Report this same information to OWH and your children. I'd almost say that the kids should be present when you tell your husband this, as it directly impacts their lives. Enough is enough, you know? That he expects you to just "live with it" is beyond insulting. He's expecting you to just back off and stop bothering him about OW. Put your foot down.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either. You will use the legal system to ensure that your expenses are paid. Try not to worry too much about that right now.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Ready,
I concur with the other posts. Your H's refusal to end contact with OW is torture of the worst kind. Waiting until DS graduates, continuing to see OW all the time, is so cruel.
I agree with Plan A until a few days before Christmas. Then ask him to leave and Plan B him. Let him see what divorce will really be like. Let OW try to give him a good family Christmas.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either. Very original. A wayward who is staying 'for the kids'. I.e. not admitting that he doenst want to leave his cushy nest and lovely wife - or give up the OW either. He's about to get a nasty shock isnt he? Because you wont allow an unrepentant wayward on board. He either shapes up or ships out. Remember to Plan A like a rockstar. He will never see you so confident, happy - or firm and strong as he will do these few weeks. Remember that his anger means exposure is working. He is losing control - which means you are gaining it. The angrier he gets the happier you should be. Do NOT let him bait you into angry words (all waywards try, but tough only they are out of control) - you are the calm, loving wife and will remain so until he loses sight of you in Pln B. Keep calm and smooth - Jane Bond.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either. You will use the legal system to ensure that your expenses are paid. Try not to worry too much about that right now. t/j North, I just wanted to mention that you've been doing a great job, helping new posters! Keep up the good work! end t/j
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Thanks, mb.
It sounds like rtw has a good mindset about this, and I hope that she can turn this around soon.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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So, the roller coaster continues... Because of exposure, my WH cannot be with OW, her family despises him. Even though they are still communicating everyday. WH has spoken with our friends but they cannot break through, he wants a new life, he has really been unhappy all these years of marriage. If he can't be with OW, he would rather be alone than with me. Not today, but soon, all of his wishes will come true. I still will hold out hope until the day the papers on signed, but I will not put myself or my children through this self-serving plan of WH. Stupid, stupid boy!
BW (48)
WH (49)
23 year married, 27 1/2 together
daughter 18, son, 16
WH planning to leave for OW
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... Because of exposure, my WH cannot be with OW, her family despises him.  I am so sad!!  You have the affair in a free fall. You have done a great job!  Your marriage is much closer now to recovery!Your next step is to continue to apply pressure to the affair and to ASK HIM TO MOVE OUT. He will now try to stay at home, reaping all the benefits of home sweet home, while he carries on his affair with the OW. Ask him to leave NOW; pack his bags and escort him to the door. He will drive you into a nervous breakdown if he stays there while carrying on his affair. Going into Plan B will further erode his fantasy because the OW is very unlikely to take up with your husband. That will completely ruin the affair when she doesn't come on board. And even if she DOES, the affair will die a quicker death. Are you in touch with the OWH still? Does he know they are still in contact? Go read this article about Plan B and start making plans, my friend! How to Plan B What is Plan A and Plan B?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WH has spoken with our friends but they cannot break through, he wants a new life, he has really been unhappy all these years of marriage. If he can't be with OW, he would rather be alone than with me. Fog-babble.  I LOVE that OW's family has dismissed him so thoroughly!
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Because of exposure, my WH cannot be with OW, her family despises him. readytowork, after observing what's been happening on the forum for the last few weeks, you stand out as a shining example. You are currently my hero. You are a strong woman, steeling yourself against your emotions and doing what's right for yourself and your family. Regardless of what becomes of your marriage, you will do very well for yourself -- you have what it takes. Your WH is in a tremendous fog. I can see from here that he is in the process of losing a great woman. I wish for you both comfort and strength.
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Your next step is to continue to apply pressure to the affair and to ASK HIM TO MOVE OUT. He will now try to stay at home, reaping all the benefits of home sweet home, while he carries on his affair with the OW. Ask him to leave NOW; pack his bags and escort him to the door. He will drive you into a nervous breakdown if he stays there while carrying on his affair. And you get more bang-for-the-buck with it being Christmas. Let him sit alone on Christmas Day and he'll be thinking about where he is. Don't forget to tell everyone that you asked him to leave the house because he insisted on continuing with the adultery. It's very important that everyone knows *why* he's out of the house so that he cannot spin it. Unless he suddenly does an about face, please get him out of the house before Christmas. You then stand a good chance at getting him to straighten up.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Ready,
Your husband is in the "FOG" (caps because he is in big-time fog). It really is like watching an addict crave a fix and make up all kinds of excuses. You are doing a great job. Exposure certainly had a positive effect.
Since your H continues to contact OW and won't give her up, it is time for Plan B. Tell your H you don't want to wait for him to leave later and that he should leave now. Calmly pack his things and tell him that as long as he is in contact with OW and not willing to commit to your marriage that you never want to "see or speak with him again".
Read up on the Plan B methods. There are some real plan B experts on this forum.
My thought would be have the rest of the house full of Christmas sights and smells when you ask him to leave.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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My thought would be have the rest of the house full of Christmas sights and smells when you ask him to leave.
AM The evening of the 24th would be pretty powerful.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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