I know this sounds like every other story, but 3 weeks ago, I found emails between WH and OW discussing their weekend together. I confronted my husband, who said he loves me and I am his BF, but he in not "in love" with me, he is "in love" with her. I was initially angry, but then was calm and told him to take his time and make the right decision. One week later we went to MC, had a nice discussion, and then at the end, MC asked my husband why he came and what he saw as his future. WH said he wanted to see if he had an epiphany to stay with me (which he didn't), but already had plans with OW to put relationship on hold until kids are out of school. I have been kind, considerate, and understanding to WH, but venting to my sister. Another week has passed, WH has still not discussed details of plan with me. Today, he took a vacation day to spend with OW, but said he was going to work, and would not go to see MC with me tonight. My WH is planning to leave me, and I am planning to EXPOSE! Any tips?
Welcome to Marriage Builders, readytowork!
Tell us about OW, ready. Is she married? How did they meet? Does she have a Facebook page? Does your husband?
It may sound obvious, but say nothing to your WH about exposure - no threats,
nothing.
Good job on being proactive on this!
I wish a few of the men on a few of our other threads had your spine.
Did you save those emails?
Unfortunately, I did not save the emails. WH has a corporate cell phone, and corporate laptop, so it will be difficult to access them again. Plus, he is meticulous about deleting. 20 years ago, I had a miscarriage, and WH became friends with OW, who was pregnant at time. Their EA was secret, and when I found out they ended it. I was told they were close friends, and they kissed, nothing more. I have been told that OWH is cold, and OW has been unhappy for the past 20 years. OW is planning to leave, with or without my WH. Not sure why she stayed so long. My husband reached out to her on FB in August, and their lies and passion heated up fast. I tried to tell WH that the passion will not last, but he can't even hear me. Thank you for your support, maritalbliss!
Hi readytowork, I am so sorry you are in this position. I want to give you assurance that there is hope and we can help you.
Please go read the link in my signature about exposure and start putting together your plan. Then come back here and we can discuss.
WH has a corporate cell phone, and corporate laptop,
Can you get your hands on his cell phone and his laptop tonight when he is asleep?
I'm very sorry for your pain.
I exposed it by sending a letter as recommended in Surviving an Affair to my wifes lover and his wife, to their facebook accounts.
Take care of yourself.
I can definitely get to the cell phone and laptop, but I don't know the passwords. What do you suggest?
I have been reading the posts on this website for a week now, and the information is really supportive and fantastic. But, now I am waffling. I went to see MC by myself last night and I talked about my husband, a lot. The more I talked about him, the more things I realize I don't like about him. It's tough because we have been together for so long. WH is a funny guy, and he is always doing something fun. But, it is always about him and what he wants and everybody always has to like the things he likes. In all of our time, he never went to see a horror movie with me, he would just say "you can go, I don't like those movies". Shouldn't he have been willing to try things that I like. The MC said WH was childish and unremorseful - today I am not sure if I want him to stay. This is such a roller coaster of emotions. Sorry if I am letting you all down.
rtw, your MC is doing what most MC's do - 'validating' your unhappiness. He is not giving you a plan to save your M. I would suggest that you stop going there. I'm not sure why you would go in the first place. The problem with your marriage is that your WH is having an affair. You don't need to pay money to learn that - you already know that.
Have you gotten Surviving an Affair yet? Have you been reading here? There are tools here that will help you build a romantic love with your WH. But he's got to end the A first.
I would suggest you concentrate on killing the A before anything else.
You're not letting us down.
But you ARE wasting time with the MC.
I have spent the past week between wanting WH out of my life, and wanting to make my M work. I have read through many of the threads here, and appreciate the advice that has been given to me. I seriously believe my husband is going through a personal crisis and this affair is a way to run away from his problems. He doesn't realize that if I let him go, his problems will still be there, but his support system: me, kids, friends, family - will not. WH is withdrawing from his life more and more each day, and his only joy is his fantasy. I am ready to go ahead with exposure this weekend. My husband has a hot temper and he will be livid, but he has left me no choice. I imagine he will yell and scream at me, and will probably leave the house. If he comes back, but is not ready to commit, what am I supposed to do. Do I immediately go into plan B? Do I tell him to leave and not come back until he is ready to end the affair. Most of the steps seem to talk about exposure, and then working to get back together, but what do I do in between?
Ready,
Your H's "personal crisis" is that he is HAVING AN AFFAIR.
Have you read the book, "Surviving an Affair" yet? It provides the framework for ending the affair and then recovering the marriage into one that is better than the pre-affair marriage. Read about Plan A and Plan B. In Plan A, you demonstrate to your H the kind of wife/marriage there will be in the future. Dr. Harley recommends that for health reasons women limit the time for Plan A to about three weeks.
Many waywards are angry at exposure. Think of it as turning the lights on in a crack house. It ruins all the fun and fantasy. There is a "fog babble" thread on this forum that has some tips on how to respond to those comments. My personal favorite is, "Yes, dear. Would you like a potato chip?".
MelodyLane is an expert at MB. I see she is posting on your thread. Listen to her and Maritalbliss. What is your exposure plan? Who will you expose the A to? What timeframe? Trickling out exposure to one person and then another negates the effect. It should be a tsunami.
AM
armymama,
Thank you for your support. I plan on calling OWH at work on Friday. I was able to get onto my WH's computer a few days ago and print out emails, plus get OW facebook contacts. I will contact her sisters, and around 5 of her friends (not sure who is close friend). I am also going to speak with MIL and SIL. Plus I will email/FB 12 or so of our close friends. I am ready to tell my kids, but I am hesitant as my DD is a college freshman and has finals in 2 weeks. If WH chooses to leave this weekend, I will have to tell the kids, but hoping to wait until DD is home from break.
I have not read the SAA book, just this site. I will go and get the book.
Ready,
You sound pretty logical and thoughtful. Much more so than I was right after D-day.
Your list sounds pretty good to me. But I defer to advice you may get from the exposure experts. I assume your H and OW do not work together. You said they had an EA twenty years ago. How do you know about it? How did H meet OW? How do you know it ended then and has not been a very LTA?
The book is excellent. Have you looked at the thread for "newbies"? It has a great deal of information for people who just had D-day.
AM
WH is a funny guy, and he is always doing something fun. But, it is always about him and what he wants and everybody always has to like the things he likes. In all of our time, he never went to see a horror movie with me, he would just say "you can go, I don't like those movies". Shouldn't he have been willing to try things that I like.
readytowork, Marriage Builders suggests a third way: doing things you both like. For example, if he hates horror movies, that wouldn't be a good idea to ask him to go to a horror movie because that would be sacrifice. He would just be miserable. Compromise, ie: win/lose, is how couples create incompatibility. So no, he shouldn't have been willing to try things he knows he hates.
Here is an example of what I mean:
I hate Chinese food and my H hates Mexican. I love Mexican and he loves Chinese. So I make a compromise with him that he endures Mexican and as an "incentive" I will go suffer through Chinese with him.
Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.
This is called sacrifice. And it leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his Mexican night.
The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy and no one sacrifices at the others expense.
I have been reading the posts on this website for a week now, and the information is really supportive and fantastic. But, now I am waffling. I went to see MC by myself last night and I talked about my husband, a lot. The more I talked about him, the more things I realize I don't like about him. The MC said WH was childish and unremorseful - today I am not sure if I want him to stay. This is such a roller coaster of emotions. Sorry if I am letting you all down.
Also, the items you mention are all things that are easily addressed with this program. Most waywards are childish and unremorseful until the affair is exposed and killed. And the fact that your husband doesn't consider your feelings is a problem to be solved.
No one would fault you for getting a divorce, my friend, but if your marriage has been good in the past, it can be great in the future. The items you mention are garden variety problems that most marriages do experience. And they are overcome with this program. You can have a great marriage with your husband, readytowork. Don't let the marriage counselor discourage you just because he probably doesn't know how to save marriages. Your marriage is very salvagable.
I went to see MC by myself last night and I talked about my husband, a lot. The more I talked about him, the more things I realize I don't like about him.
Side note: I'd like to (gently
) call you on this. You know, I could probably sit down with someone and come up with a list of things about my H that are less than perfect. He is a work in progress, as we all are. But WHY would I want to do that? Why would I do what amounts to bashing the poor guy when he's not even there to defend himself?
Why not just go to the source and talk about what is bothering you and approach a solution together? Talking about your husband to a third party won't solve the issue, and will feed your resentment of him. (As you learned.)
Did the MC ask you to list the things about your husband that you admire and appreciate? Surely he's got something in that category, or you wouldn't have married him.
WHEN the A is dead and you're recovering (always optimistic
) the two of you will need to learn how to communicate these things to arrive at a solution that works for your marriage.
Marriage Builders suggests a third way: doing things you both like. For example, if he hates horror movies, that wouldn't be a good idea to ask him to go to a horror movie because that would be sacrifice. He would just be miserable. Compromise, ie: win/lose, is how couples create incompatibility. So no, he shouldn't have been willing to try things he knows he hates.
Here is an example of what I mean:
I hate Chinese food and my H hates Mexican. I love Mexican and he loves Chinese. So I make a compromise with him that he endures Mexican and as an "incentive" I will go suffer through Chinese with him.
Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.
This is called sacrifice. And it leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his Mexican night.
The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy and no one sacrifices at the others expense.
Notable post.
Here.
AM,
WH and OH did work together 20 years ago. My husband told me he was working late one night, when I had planned a dinner party for his birthday. I called his office to see when he would be home, but was told he had left hours ago. I confronted him when he came home and he eventually confessed. I believe in my heart that it ended around that time. OW changed to another job, and eventually moved out of state. This time when confronted WH admitted that he sought her out on FB in August, just to reach out to an old friend, but WH just felt so connected and close to her - ugh!
I will follow up on the thread for "newbies". I am not sure how I can be so rational, believe me I have plenty of moments when I fall apart. I just feel that since my WH is being so emotional, someone has to be rational or else this will end bad. I know my husband has issues, and has been on his best behavior with OW. If WH leaves me for OW, I truly believe their relationship cannot last.
cool! I made the cut!
ML
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. You inspire me for better things to come! I agree that many of these issues can be worked on to be resolved. And that is what I want to do. I don't have a need to be right or to punish my WH. I want to move forward and make our relationship better. Whatever happens I will hold my head up high for myself and my children, because I know I am doing everything I can for my family.
23 year married, 27 1/2 together
daughter 18, son, 16
WH planning to leave for OW
readytowork, even if you decide not to stay in the marriage, you need to expose the affair so that your H cannot ease the OW into his family and the children's family.
And I would strongly advise you to expose to your kids this weekend when you do the other exposures. Your marriage is more important to your daughter in college than her tests. Her knowing about the affair will put a huge dent in this affair, I assure you!! She can be a great influence on your husband when she bursts his fantasy by telling him the OW will NEVER be accepted by her! We have had WS' who dumped an OP over this kind of stuff.
Do you have the OW's contact information? What about her parents, etc?
MB
Thank you for calling me out - you are right on this one! I am sure every married person can make a list of things they don't like about their spouse. The MC was obviously just letting me vent, and although if felt good to talk things out, MC did not really have advice or guidance for me. WH refused to go to the MC with me the 2nd time. He wanted me to go for me (even though he has the problem). I would love to talk out this issues with WH, but he is withdrawing more and more. WH is under terrible stress, having stomach problems, and is avoiding our friends. I spoke with him this morning, explaining that I know he is having a rough time and is under terrible stress. I would like to help him get his life back, so please end the A and we can get our life back on track. I told him that I realize that right now the OW is the only happy thing in his life, but we can work together to make everything in our lives good again. WH started to cry, saying he could not talk about this now, he had to get to work. But he loves me. My belief/hope is that the stress of the A is starting to get to him because he is not really sure he wants to end our relationship. Hopefully, this is not wishful thinking on my part. Waivered a little on the Exposure, because WH might have a mental breakdown, but I know it needs to be done.
Ok, I will include my children in the exposure. I have the contact info for the OW, OWH, and OW siblings. Could not find anything on parents - will keep looking.
Thank you for your comments!
Hopefully, this is not wishful thinking on my part. Waivered a little on the Exposure, because WH might have a mental breakdown, but I know it needs to be done.
This sounds very promising and I want to encourage you to expose the affair. That will likely kill the affair very quickly. It is only surviving on the fumes of fantasy so I predict exposure will kill it. He is tormented and depressed
BECAUSE OF HIS AFFAIR, so don't worry about taking steps to kill it. His conscience is killing him.
Is there anyone in your exposure list who would call the OW to run her off? It would be extremely helpful if your MIL or even your daughter could call the OW and scare her off. She needs to know that she will NEVER be accepted by your children or the in-laws. Telling her she will be "eternally hated" by your children will have a HUGE IMPACT on the affairees.
Your husband is taking steps that will wreck his relationship with his children FOR LIFE. It will never be the same. NEVER. Not only that, but the odds of his affair ever working out are about nil. 95% of affairs die never make it to marriage and of those that do, 75% divorce within 5 years. Dr Harley claims that in 40 years he doesn't know of a SINGLE affairage that has been successful. Listen to this radio clip about affairages:
http://richwith.com/mb/radio/shows/10-2010/10-05-10/MB_100110_A.mp3
Ok, I will include my children in the exposure. I have the contact info for the OW, OWH, and OW siblings. Could not find anything on parents - will keep looking.
Thank you for your comments!
Do you know what to say to all these people? Have you read the link in my signature?
I am sure every married person can make a list of things they don't like about their spouse.
The goal being to 'not' be able to make a list - that's where the POJA comes in.
rtw, I would play this for your husband after you expose the affair. He needs to hear this radio clip. He is planning on wrecking his life for this affair.
rtw, I would play this for your husband after you expose the affair. He needs to hear this radio clip. He is planning on wrecking his life for this affair.
I have to agree with Dr. H on this. I know of one that has lasted over 10 years, but I wouldn't describe it as successful. in fact, it is a disaster, but they are "together"...
CV
I have to agree with Dr. H on this. I know of one that has lasted over 10 years, but I wouldn't describe it as successful. in fact, it is a disaster, but they are "together"...
CV
Yep. I have a friend whose WXH is in an affair-marriage. They have been married for about 7-8 years, but it's a miserable relationship and he avoids his wife as much as possible.
Ready,
My H was very depressed during and after the affair. Mel is correct. He was depressed BECAUSE of the affair.
Regarding exposure, a few days ago (three and 1/2 years post d-day), my H referred to exposure as "the life line to the wayward spouse." Exsposure is the first step out of the affair for someone who is "deep in the fog". My H ended the physical part of the A the day I exposed it. Currently, we are in a recovering marriage, working the MB program.
Am I understanding correctly that OW still lives in a different state and is not physically close by?
AM
Thank-you all for your support and suggestions. WH in bad mood yesterday and continues to withdraw from family and friends. Made love during the night-might be my last time for the next few years. Still so surreal. Exposure begins this afternoon. I am strong, prepared and ready. Please pray for my family.
Thank-you all for your support and suggestions. WH in bad mood yesterday and continues to withdraw from family and friends. Made love during the night-might be my last time for the next few years. Still so surreal. Exposure begins this afternoon. I am strong, prepared and ready. Please pray for my family.
You can do this, rtw! Be strong and sure.
God Bless,rtw, and good luck!
thoughts are with you, stay strong, we are here for you
You are absoulutely doing the right thing. Prayers for you and your family today.
Let us know how things go.
AM
Thank-you all for your support and suggestions. WH in bad mood yesterday and continues to withdraw from family and friends. Made love during the night-might be my last time for the next few years. Still so surreal. Exposure begins this afternoon. I am strong, prepared and ready. Please pray for my family.
prayers for you, my friend!!! You are doing the right thing for your marriage and your husband. It will be hard, but the potential rewards are GREAT. We will be here for you!!
Dang! I have left 2 discreet messages for OWH, but he has not returned my call. Should I send email saying I need to talk to him about his wife?
Dang! I have left 2 discreet messages for OWH, but he has not returned my call. Should I send email saying I need to talk to him about his wife?
What other way could you reach him?
I could email his work, or wait and call house. Not sure how to call home because I don't know if wife is around.
I could email his work, or wait and call house. Not sure how to call home because I don't know if wife is around.
I would email his work right now. Tell him you are the wife of such and such and that his wife is having an affair with your husband. Ask him to call you.
If he doesn't call you, I would try calling his house, disguising your # with *67 and hoping he answers. If you are exposing on facebook, I would find the OWH's mother, sister or brother and tell them about the affair and ask them to call you.
What about your other exposures? Have you started on that?
Better yet, pick up the phone and CALL his work!
Exactly.
He may not be able to talk, but he can listen. Tell him what you need to and then give him your number should he want to talk more at a better time.
Just want to add my support r2w - its wonderful to see a newbie on here with some get up and go!
Okay there has been a slight delay. I had it all planned to call OWH, and then continue to my FB messages. I called OWH twice at work, but he did not return my call. I had it in my head that I have to contact him first. Then I had to take care of a family obligation for the evening. I will start fresh tomorrow, and try to reach OWH at home. Then move forward with FB. Keep my family in your prayers and thank you!
That's great, rtw. Keep going! He might be easier to reach on the weekend.
Exposure in process. WS texted and asked me "what did u do?"
Just remember, if he gets angry it means it is working. If he really believed his affair was ok, he would not have a problem with you telling the world.
Thank you to everyone, the storm has hit and I need to be strong. WS is livid, and told me I was being irrational. WS wants to know everyone I have contacted and whether or not I have told the children. OW sister's has chastised me for going public - I will not respond to her stupid comment.
hang in there. Weekends are alway slow here but you are doing great.
Thank you to everyone, the storm has hit and I need to be strong. WS is livid, and told me I was being irrational. WS wants to know everyone I have contacted and whether or not I have told the children. OW sister's has chastised me for going public - I will not respond to her stupid comment.
Great job!
Make sure you tell the kids BEFORE your husband. He's just wanting to know who to spin the story to. He'll label you as nuts and crazy to discredit you.
Oh, and to hell with OW's sister. In the future, if anyone criticizes you for exposure, just tell them that you're sorry to hear that they support your husband's adultery.
And don't engage in any arguments with WH. Just tell him that you're sorry to hear that he's upset that others know about his adultery and then change the subject, walk away, whatever it takes. Worse case, tell him you're not going to let him drag you into an argument and then disengage.
You're doing good, hang in there and just ignore the drama that others are trying to start.
Remember, don't refer to OW by name. Rather, call her "Bill's wife" to remind him and everyone else of her marital status.
Okay there has been a slight delay. I had it all planned to call OWH, and then continue to my FB messages. I called OWH twice at work, but he did not return my call. I had it in my head that I have to contact him first. Then I had to take care of a family obligation for the evening. I will start fresh tomorrow, and try to reach OWH at home. Then move forward with FB. Keep my family in your prayers and thank you!
Did you get in touch with OWH?
Hopefully so, by now, before OW spins it.
Thank you to everyone, the storm has hit and I need to be strong. WS is livid, and told me I was being irrational. WS wants to know everyone I have contacted and whether or not I have told the children. OW sister's has chastised me for going public - I will not respond to her stupid comment.
Awesome! Be sure and tell the kids before he get to them.
Just tell him you are spreading the good news.
Keep us posted!
WS is mad - thinks I need medication. OWH has walked out, and her children know what is going on. OW's sister asked me why the other woman always gets blamed. She wanted to know if I also sent a note to WS's friends and family. She suggested I tell my kids what a jerk my husband is. I am not responding to OW's family. Liars really get indignent when you reveal their lies. From my side lots of support and encouragement. WS is on his way home to speak with me f2f. I am keeping strong and know that I have done nothing wrong.
I would definitely tell your children immediately..before he gets a chance to spin things.
WS is mad - thinks I need medication. OWH has walked out, and her children know what is going on. OW's sister asked me why the other woman always gets blamed. She wanted to know if I also sent a note to WS's friends and family. She suggested I tell my kids what a jerk my husband is. I am not responding to OW's family. Liars really get indignent when you reveal their lies. From my side lots of support and encouragement. WS is on his way home to speak with me f2f. I am keeping strong and know that I have done nothing wrong.
Great job, my friend!!
If there is nothing wrong with he is doing why would he mind if you told everyone? You were just spreading the good news!
WS is mad - thinks I need medication.
Please. Tell him you're not going to let him drag you into an argument. Tell him that he's the one that chose to commit adultery, not you and to insinuate that you need medication or are crazy is beyond insulting. Tell him that you're sorry that he's upset that everyone knows about his cheating on his family and if he insists on blaming you for his adultery, then he can just leave the house because you are done with this and not playing these mindgames any longer.
OWH has walked out, and her children know what is going on.
That's good. I'll bet he's really not the "cold" husband that your husband and OW described earlier. You were probably portrayed in a similar fashion.
WS is on his way home to speak with me f2f. I am keeping strong and know that I have done nothing wrong.
You got that right. Just be cool and calm and tell him that you're done with this mess and that he needs to put on his big-boy pants and decide what he's going to do. He just needs to grow the H up, he's a grown man and not a child for Pete's sake. You might add that you don't need to be married this bad (badly?) and are done living like this.
What you must portray is the fact that it is up to YOU as to whether or not YOU will choose to remain married to HIM. Not the other way around. Make sense?
And your kids know the truth, right?
Not "Mom and Dad are having issues right now" but "Dad is having an affair and I'm trying to get him to knock it off and commit to this family."
And your kids know the truth, right?
Not "Mom and Dad are having issues right now" but "Dad is having an affair and I'm trying to get him to knock it off and commit to this family."
Righto!! He should have to explain to his kids why he plans on wrecking their family..............for nothing. A big fat nothing.
Is there any way your MIL would call up this skank and tell her she will never be welcome in her family? That would make a huge dent in their little fantasy.
Thank you to everyone, the storm has hit and I need to be strong. WS is livid, and told me I was being irrational. WS wants to know everyone I have contacted and whether or not I have told the children. OW sister's has chastised me for going public - I will not respond to her stupid comment.
Don't tell him who you contacted - just say "People you respect who can help you. Ignore his sister - she's mad because you've 'gone public' with her brother's misdeeds? She should be ashamed of herself. Why would she hide something so horrible that would harm her beloved brother so completely? Idiot woman.
Tell your WH that you are surprised that he is taking your exposure this way. Ask him why he has a problem with this - force him to acknowledge how embarrassing and wrong his actions are.
Have you told the kids? Please tell me you've talked to OWH.
Thank you to everyone, the storm has hit and I need to be strong. WS is livid, and told me I was being irrational. WS wants to know everyone I have contacted and whether or not I have told the children. OW sister's has chastised me for going public - I will not respond to her stupid comment.
Your attitude is great. Well done. Im sure you know but it is vital you contact OWH
WS is mad - thinks I need medication. OWH has walked out, and her children know what is going on. OW's sister asked me why the other woman always gets blamed. She wanted to know if I also sent a note to WS's friends and family. She suggested I tell my kids what a jerk my husband is. I am not responding to OW's family. Liars really get indignent when you reveal their lies. From my side lots of support and encouragement. WS is on his way home to speak with me f2f. I am keeping strong and know that I have done nothing wrong.
Hang tough.
You're doing GREAT !!!
(Go Niners !!!)
You joined MB less than a week ago .... and you are already kicking adultery's BIG UGLY BUTT !
<~~~ readytowork
You joined MB less than a week ago .... and you are already kicking adultery's BIG UGLY BUTT !
<~~~ readytowork This is one impressive gal - I suspect she may just save her marriage.
OW's sister asked me why the other woman always gets blamed.
Hmmmm. Let me see.
Is it perhaps because she is a grown up, and answerable for her own screw ups?
Yes, I spoke with OWH before I sent out my FB messages. He was very kind and understanding, not even mad about the A. He said his wife has always been an unhappy person.
Just to clarify it was the OW's sister, not my SIL, who was so upset at my exposure. I won't even bother responding to her. Actually, I should thank her because in her message she confirms that there is an affair and that she knew about it.
This is really hard and I am sick to my stomach. Has this really worked for anyone? My WH is so angry with me, and will barely talk to me. The OW and my WH are so upset that her DC found out about the A. I did not send my message to the DC, but they found out anyway. I don't entirely regret my actions, because WH was planning to leave me anyway, so I had nothing to lose. On the other hand, maybe he never would have actually left? I am sure my feelings are normal, because I am a caring and honest person, and usually don't do things like this. However, I am fighting for my family and marriage. If anyone is upset with me they should look at their own behavior. Right?
Their being upset is good.
Ride it out with seeming resolve and calmness.
They are not upset due to you telling the truth but that others know they did something nasty.
Yes, they caused this, not you. And yes it has worked for many here. I found MB after my husband had decided to end contact and work it out so I didnt expose but the majority exposed and the affair ended quickly.
Mad is expected becuase the affair is fun when it is secret but not when the world knows about it.
I'm others will be along to give you there stories soon.
You are absolutely right. It is their behaviour that is landing them in the proverbial, not you telling the truth about it.
My WH is also furious with me for exposing his affair with a colleague to his workplace.
I felt a bit wobbly having done it, as I felt that it would drive him away further and quicker.
Truth is though, I have already lost him, and had I done nothing I would a) always wonder what if I had exposed. and b) I would have helped facilitate his affair by keeping silent and not rocking the boat.
Also, my WH and POSOW can now not make out that they happened to fall for each other long after he left me. Everyone they work with know they are having an affair, and not some Romeo and Juliet type love story.
So stand tall, and be safe in the knowledge that you did what you had to do.
My WH is so angry with me, and will barely talk to me. The OW and my WH are so upset that her DC found out about the A.
Oh, well WAAAAAH WAAAAH!
Poor widdle waywards didn't like their widdle secret to leak out, did they?
Good job on exposure!
Just to clarify it was the OW's sister, not my SIL, who was so upset at my exposure. I won't even bother responding to her. Actually, I should thank her because in her message she confirms that there is an affair and that she knew about it.
Awesome!
Keep the message.
My WH is so angry with me, and will barely talk to me. The OW and my WH are so upset that her DC found out about the A.
The more angry the affairees are over exposure...the better. It means what you were trying to do (inject reality into the fantasy) is WORKING.
I have told the story many times of my sister's WH. After exposure he did all of the above. Packed up and left (only to return a short time later), repeatedly said he was DONE!, ranted and raged. He even destroyed a few things in the house. They are now recovered
You are doing a good job. Hang in there.
Rtw, yes this worked for many people here. And the madder the WS, the more impact it had on the affair. And so what if her child found out? Her child should be told what she is doing to her family. Your children should be told too, everyone should know. All you are doing is telling truth.
You are doing great! Don't second guess yourself. Exposure is the most POTENT weapon you have in saving the marriage.
This is really hard and I am sick to my stomach.
Take Pepto.Has this really worked for anyone?
Yes !!!!My WH is so angry with me, and will barely talk to me.
How fantastic! Excellent! You can skip the verbal abuse he'd be most likely to spew. 
Believe me, right now, WH silence is your best option.
The OW and my WH are so upset that her DC found out about the A.
Tough beans.
OW and WH should have thought about the feelings of others before they dropped their knickers.I did not send my message to the DC, but they found out anyway.
Not your problem Do not own an ounce of that. I don't entirely regret my actions, because WH was planning to leave me anyway, so I had nothing to lose.
Indeed. No regrets for bravery while your marriage/life/future is under attack.
On the other hand, maybe he never would have actually left?
He might have left for a few days/weeks, then proceeded to confuse you further by coming and going in your home 'as if' he was justified in not knowing his assfromateapot.I am sure my feelings are normal, because I am a caring and honest person, and usually don't do things like this.
What you did was both CARING (about the marriage) and HONEST (about the facts).
Your actions were the epitome of honest caring.
However, I am fighting for my family and marriage.
Damn right you are. If anyone is upset with me they should look at their own behavior. Right?
Ask yourself; Who gets upset by the truth?
Cheats/liars/criminals.
In fact, when WH does break his silence and tries to spew fog babble at you ... say this "Who gets upset when a truth is revealed?" Put it in your mental pocket for future use.
Have you told your kids?
Is WH still in the house? Hopefully, he'll get the message and drop the "anger" when he sees that you won't engage him in that.
WH is still home but sleeping in another room by his choice. My FIL has been very supportive and my DC are furious with WH. His anger towards me is so hard to bear, even though I know I am right and he is wrong. I just
have to be patient. Please continue to pray for my marriage as I pray for all of you.
I wouldn't be patient for too long. Try not to get into a stalemate where he storms around angry while living in the house. At some point (soon, I would say) you should tell him to either stop being mad at you for his having an affair or leave the house.
He's nearly 50, RTW, and he needs to be told to knock it off and accept that where he is today is the sole result of his actions. I wouldn't accept that kind of (pouting?) behavior from my 6-year old, and I doubt you would let either of your teenagers act like that, either.
He shouldn't get a pass and you need to keep the momentum up before he and OW get their ducks in a row and regroup.
You are doing the right thing - letting him accept the consequences for his actions.
Will he agree to no contact with the OW?
AM
WH is still home but sleeping in another room by his choice. My FIL has been very supportive and my DC are furious with WH. His anger towards me is so hard to bear, even though I know I am right and he is wrong. I just
have to be patient. Please continue to pray for my marriage as I pray for all of you.
Good job, readytowork!! Please come back and let us help you with next steps.
WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either.
WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either.
Have you spoken to an attorney?
You need to know NOW what your rights are, not later.
Have you considered Plan B?
Have you read MF's Plan B notable post?
It takes time to get Plan B ducks lined up.
Start today.
Plan B can be put off awhile, but begin the preparations now.
HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.
TIMING
~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that�s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.
DETAILS ON HOUSING
~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS�s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.
INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.
IM�s ROLE
~An IM�s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley�s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It�s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.
They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.
The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.
If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.
If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.
CHANGING THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE
~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn�t have cash and didn�t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.
A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don�t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.
PLAN B LETTER
~Write a �love letter� to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).
Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.
Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.
Close the letter with �I love you and will be praying for you� or something similar.
Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a �love letter� so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It�s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.
ADDENDUM
~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.
In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.
IF THE WS ATTEMPTS CONTACT
IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.
If it�s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.
_________________________
Meanwhile, do the wifely Plan A things.
Look & smell good.
Cook delicious meals.
Play music.
Laugh.
Sing.
Have a manicure.
Offer WH some snacks you know he likes.
If you become overwhelmed with emotions, excuse yourself and go somewhere else. The shower if it's too late to go out at night.
Where is WH eating his meals?
Where is WH getting his laundry done?
WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either.
You are right, you can't live like this. He will drive you right straight into a nervous breakdown. What your husband wants is to have his cake and eat it too, at the expense of your mental and physical health. He wants all the benefits of a loving home environment while he carries on his affair right under your nose.
The answer is Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. I would insist that he move out and then go into Plan B. Getting him to move out just before Christmas and not allowing him to come into your home will be the wake up call of the century for him. He will be able to see what it is like to be divorced. Moving out will wreck his affair much faster than living at home.
Dr Harley, clinical psychologist recommends going into Plan B after THREE WEEKS in order to protect your mental health. You won't make it for eighteen months. For him to ask you to endure his cruel behavior is thoughtless. It will be beyond your endurance.
WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either.
I agree Plan B - Almost all say this after EXPOSURE. Dr. Harley says that is usually takes six months after Expsoure to have the affair die a natural death.
Plan B will help him feel the pain a little bit quicker.
My WH is full blown wanting a divorce. He didn't realize it wasn't going to be a fantasy divorce. The one where we all meet for Holidays, birthdays, weddings, BBQ's, and talk on the phone daily while they run off blissfully into the Adultery partners arms and everyon is happy go lucky!
Show him what divorce will look like.
"WS you go through this divorce and destroy our family I promise you this ...
I will surgically remove you and everything about you from my life. I promise you this ...
You will be as good as dead to me.
WS you ripped my heart, our children's hearts, and our family apart for a wh0re who will throw you away one day.
I promise you this WS ... You and I will never share a holiday, birthday, wedding, space, or anything. I will not ever speak to you again. You will only hear from me in email until our kids are graduated. I will then vanish out of your life FOREVER!
WS ... THIS I PROMISE YOU!!!"
WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW.
To maintain control over this, you could tell him to leave the house if he insists on continuing with the adultery with "Bill's wife"...or whatever her husband's name is.
Report this same information to OWH and your children.
I'd almost say that the kids should be present when you tell your husband this, as it directly impacts their lives.
Enough is enough, you know? That he expects you to just "live with it" is beyond insulting. He's expecting you to just back off and stop bothering him about OW.
Put your foot down.
I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either.
You will use the legal system to ensure that your expenses are paid. Try not to worry too much about that right now.
Ready,
I concur with the other posts. Your H's refusal to end contact with OW is torture of the worst kind. Waiting until DS graduates, continuing to see OW all the time, is so cruel.
I agree with Plan A until a few days before Christmas. Then ask him to leave and Plan B him. Let him see what divorce will really be like. Let OW try to give him a good family Christmas.
AM
WH told friends our M is over, he will wait until our son graduates HS and then leave - 18 months from now. He said things improved in the past and then went back the way they started. WH wants to talk with me, he has no interest in ending A or leaving OW. I know I have time on my side, but what do I do? How do I survive everyday? I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either.
Very original. A wayward who is staying 'for the kids'. I.e. not admitting that he doenst want to leave his cushy nest and lovely wife - or give up the OW either.
He's about to get a nasty shock isnt he? Because you wont allow an unrepentant wayward on board. He either shapes up or ships out.
Remember to Plan A like a rockstar. He will never see you so confident, happy - or firm and strong as he will do these few weeks.
Remember that his anger means exposure is working. He is losing control - which means you are gaining it. The angrier he gets the happier you should be.
Do NOT let him bait you into angry words (all waywards try, but tough only they are out of control) - you are the calm, loving wife and will remain so until he loses sight of you in Pln B.
Keep calm and smooth - Jane Bond.
I am not sure we can afford separate households... but, I know I can't live like this either.
You will use the legal system to ensure that your expenses are paid. Try not to worry too much about that right now.
t/j North, I just wanted to mention that you've been doing a great job, helping new posters! Keep up the good work! end t/j
Thanks, mb.
It sounds like rtw has a good mindset about this, and I hope that she can turn this around soon.
So, the roller coaster continues... Because of exposure, my WH cannot be with OW, her family despises him. Even though they are still communicating everyday. WH has spoken with our friends but they cannot break through, he wants a new life, he has really been unhappy all these years of marriage. If he can't be with OW, he would rather be alone than with me. Not today, but soon, all of his wishes will come true. I still will hold out hope until the day the papers on signed, but I will not put myself or my children through this self-serving plan of WH. Stupid, stupid boy!
... Because of exposure, my WH cannot be with OW, her family despises him.
I am so sad!!
You have the affair in a free fall. You have done a great job!
Your marriage is much closer now to recovery!Your next step is to continue to apply pressure to the affair and to ASK HIM TO MOVE OUT. He will now try to stay at home, reaping all the benefits of home sweet home, while he carries on his affair with the OW. Ask him to leave NOW; pack his bags and escort him to the door. He will drive you into a nervous breakdown if he stays there while carrying on his affair.
Going into Plan B will further erode his fantasy because the OW is very unlikely to take up with your husband. That will completely ruin the affair when she doesn't come on board. And even if she DOES, the affair will die a quicker death.
Are you in touch with the OWH still? Does he know they are still in contact?
Go read this article about Plan B and start making plans, my friend!
How to Plan B What is Plan A and Plan B?
WH has spoken with our friends but they cannot break through, he wants a new life, he has really been unhappy all these years of marriage. If he can't be with OW, he would rather be alone than with me.
Fog-babble.
I LOVE that OW's family has dismissed him so thoroughly!
Because of exposure, my WH cannot be with OW, her family despises him.
readytowork, after observing what's been happening on the forum for the last few weeks, you stand out as a shining example. You are currently my hero.
You are a strong woman, steeling yourself against your emotions and doing what's right for yourself and your family.
Regardless of what becomes of your marriage, you will do very well for yourself -- you have what it takes.
Your WH is in a tremendous fog. I can see from here that he is in the process of losing a great woman. I wish for you both comfort and strength.
Your next step is to continue to apply pressure to the affair and to ASK HIM TO MOVE OUT. He will now try to stay at home, reaping all the benefits of home sweet home, while he carries on his affair with the OW. Ask him to leave NOW; pack his bags and escort him to the door. He will drive you into a nervous breakdown if he stays there while carrying on his affair.
And you get more bang-for-the-buck with it being Christmas.
Let him sit alone on Christmas Day and he'll be thinking about where he is.
Don't forget to tell everyone that you asked him to leave the house because he insisted on continuing with the adultery.
It's very important that everyone knows *why* he's out of the house so that he cannot spin it.
Unless he suddenly does an about face, please get him out of the house before Christmas. You then stand a good chance at getting him to straighten up.
Ready,
Your husband is in the "FOG" (caps because he is in big-time fog). It really is like watching an addict crave a fix and make up all kinds of excuses. You are doing a great job. Exposure certainly had a positive effect.
Since your H continues to contact OW and won't give her up, it is time for Plan B. Tell your H you don't want to wait for him to leave later and that he should leave now. Calmly pack his things and tell him that as long as he is in contact with OW and not willing to commit to your marriage that you never want to "see or speak with him again".
Read up on the Plan B methods. There are some real plan B experts on this forum.
My thought would be have the rest of the house full of Christmas sights and smells when you ask him to leave.
AM
My thought would be have the rest of the house full of Christmas sights and smells when you ask him to leave.
AM
The evening of the 24th would be pretty powerful.
Well, I guess I would hope Ready's H would be gone before then. I would not want to wait more than two more weeks to pack him up and get him out of the house.
I learned the hard way about the effects of continued contact (PA ended, but in-person contact lasted three months) and false recovery. It was the pits and I still have several long-lasting health issues. I was even grinding my teeth in my sleep, cracked a front tooth and now have a crown. I wish I had gone into plan B soon after D-day. It took a long, long time for my H to extract his head from his fourth point of contact.
AM
Well, I guess I would hope Ready's H would be gone before then.
True, the days can really drag by when dealing with this kind of thing.
Ready- what's your schedule for making a move on this?
AM
You are truly an inspiration to me - thank you so much. I am not sure how I turned out to be such a forgiving person, but I really, really feel that my WH's problems have little to do with the OW. I continue to pray and hope that we get a chance to resolve/fix our issues, but it's so hard to be patient. Everyday he reinvents our marriage history, and it is more and more unhappy everyday. I am so scared to ask him to leave, but even more scared not to.
So, I am carefully preparing for Plan B. Planning to check in with OWH today gets things ready. I am not sure if I am strong enough to Plan B before Christmas, but if I can't then definitely before the new year.
Thank you for your support!
NW
I am preparing Plan B. Going a little slow, because I am so very scared, but moving forward. Sometime between now and the end of the month definitely. I just have to see how much longer I can take this pressure. Being in our home with him is worse than being by myself.
Thank you for helping me to move forward.
NW
I am preparing Plan B. Going a little slow, because I am so very scared, but moving forward. Sometime between now and the end of the month definitely. I just have to see how much longer I can take this pressure. Being in our home with him is worse than being by myself.
RTW, please do this sooner rather than later. Dr Harley only recommends Plan A for women to last 3 to 4 weeks. You will start feeling severe emotional and physical effects from being around this. And it will come on FAST. We have people who have had nervous breakdowns and years of post traumatic stress disorder.
While it is scary, I promise you will feel much better after a couple of weeks of no contact than you have in months.
Will he move out? I would try to get him out NOW and then get prepared for your Plan B in the next few days. The first step is getting him out, though. I would bring that up to him NOW.
Is he contacting the OW from your home? And have your children been told what he is doing?
Everyday he reinvents our marriage history, and it is more and more unhappy everyday.
This is 'normal' wayward behaviour; it helps to minimize feelings of guilt. It is to justify their actions to themselves, and to get others on their side.
Don't pay any attention to it, and trust your own memories. You are the one who is thinking and feeling rationally, he is in full on affair fog.
You are doing brilliantly!
rtw,
I know the thought of going to Plan B right before Christmas is scary. It DOES take a lot of courage and strength. Consider for a moment that it may work to your advantage in more ways than one. For those in Plan B, there is a certain amount of withdrawal on the part of the BS to go thru. The busyness of the season and being distracted by family and events can serve to get you thru the toughest parts of this change to your life. The urge to contact or to find out what he is doing/feeling will be tempered.
Plan B is the first step you make in taking care of YOU so that you can clear your head and carry out your plan.
I wish you well as you make this decision. You ARE strong, you CAN do this!
Ready, on December 18th, 2009, I entered Plan B(click on the link in my siggy to read my thread). It was very difficult to enter Plan B, and I was afraid. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It was also one of the BEST decisions I have ever made. My children were only 6 and 9 at the time, and we managed.
It was a very difficult few weeks, but it got better. I can tell you that I feel so much better today than at probably any point in my entire life.
Don't put it off for too long. If you can get it done BEFORE Christmas, I would do it.
DO you need any help with the preparations? Are you ready?
RTW, you've demonstrated an amazing amount of strength up to this point in wresting control of your life out of the hands of your abuser.
NW
I just have to see how much longer I can take this pressure. Being in our home with him is worse than being by myself.
I fear the continued pressure of him being in your house while obstinately carrying on the affair will adversely affect your health and well-being.
I believe it is in your best interest to use all legal means necesssary to force your wayward husband to leave your home. While it doesn't seem so on the surface, I believe you have a better chance at some level of peace over the holidays if you can get him out of your house now.
You may be strong enough to put this off, but why take the chance? Please get him out and go to Plan B.
RTW, you've demonstrated an amazing amount of strength up to this point in wresting control of your life out of the hands of your abuser.
NW
I just have to see how much longer I can take this pressure. Being in our home with him is worse than being by myself.
I fear the continued pressure of him being in your house while obstinately carrying on the affair will adversely affect your health and well-being.
I believe it is in your best interest to use all legal means necesssary to force your wayward husband to leave your home. While it doesn't seem so on the surface, I believe you have a better chance at some level of peace over the holidays if you can get him out of your house now.
You may be strong enough to put this off, but why take the chance? Please get him out and go to Plan B.
I agree. Ready I had to get an attorney to get WXH out of our house. It took me 3 weeks and the pain was nearly unbearable. An hour before our emergency hearing I managed to get him to sign off on a great seperation agreement.
I said things to my WXH like, 'I need to be away from you because I am in too much pain to be near you right now. I need some space to think.....' all sorts of things like that. I believe he thought I would get over it quickly and he could move back in.
The important thing for now is to get him out. Once he is out you can file for exclusive use of your marital home and that will keep him out until YOU are ready to let him come home or ready to divorce him.
I said things to my WXH like, 'I need to be away from you because I am in too much pain to be near you right now. I need some space to think.....' all sorts of things like that. I believe he thought I would get over it quickly and he could move back in.
RTW, most WS's will just leave if you say this to them. But if he won't then you need to contact a lawyer to get him out like Smilingwoman did.
Several people here packed their WS's bags and set them by the door and asked them to leave. They LEFT. So, see if you can get him to leave voluntarily. And ask him for the key back.
I said things to my WXH like, 'I need to be away from you because I am in too much pain to be near you right now. I need some space to think.....' all sorts of things like that. I believe he thought I would get over it quickly and he could move back in.
RTW, most WS's will just leave if you say this to them. But if he won't then you need to contact a lawyer to get him out like Smilingwoman did.
Several people here packed their WS's bags and set them by the door and asked them to leave. They LEFT. So, see if you can get him to leave voluntarily. And ask him for the key back.
I got him to rent an apt....but I knew he would move out sooooo slowly that I would go insane. So as soon as I knew he had an apt, I waited until he was in the shower before work one day and took his house key. I then said good bye to him at the front door so he wouldn't try to lock it with the key he no longer had. Then during the day I packed up all his clothes and just before he got off work texted him that I had a load of his stuff in my car and I would meet him at his apt.
He was FURIOUS. He was so mad...it was May and I had brought all his clothes. He slammed around coats and stuff saying, 'I won't need winter things, I won't be here that long!' (he was btw ;), but I digress).
You just have to be methodical and get things done. It was not easy, but once he was out I felt MUCH better.
I am one of the people ML is talking about. My WH wanted to wait until some date in February to move out. I had initially agreed, and then I found MB and saw the error in my ways.
On my birthday, I walked my children to school, returned home with a friend who had boxes in her van, walked into my home and packed all of my WH's things and put them on the porch. It took about an hour and a half.
I had my mom take my boys to my sister's house so they wouldn't be there when my WH came home. Then I waited. My dad was going to be there for me, but my WH came home early.
We talked for a bit, and he finally left after giving me the keys.
He moved in with OW and has lived there ever since but MY life is much better than it ever would have been had I not entered Plan B when I did
You CAN do this. We will all be here to help you through.
Scotty, I never read this part of you story. Girl, YOU ROCK.
Ready,
Now is not the time to be a forgiving person, but rather demonstrate "tough love" to your husband. I too thought that source of many of my H's issues were unrelated to the A. My H had/has PTSD from Iraq deployments, turned 50 the year of the A, was working really hard (I thought) as well as completing a masters degree. Even with all that, the over-riding issue was the affair. My H's depression emanated from the A, not any of the other stressful things in his/our life.
Plan B will be most effective if you start it before Christmas. Your H will get a taste of what life will be like without his home, without his children, and without his wife. It will be a huge eye-opening, fantasy-killing time.
And Mel is so right. It does not take a long period of abuse (yes, contacting the OW while living in the marital home IS abuse) to have health effects on BWs.
If your husband ends the affair and commits to recovery of the marriage, then it will be time to think of forgiveness or rather a response to what Dr. Harley calls "just compensation". First things first, though. Your H has to end the A and agree to no contact for life.
AM
I said things to my WXH like, 'I need to be away from you because I am in too much pain to be near you right now. I need some space to think.....' all sorts of things like that. I believe he thought I would get over it quickly and he could move back in.
RTW, most WS's will just leave if you say this to them. But if he won't then you need to contact a lawyer to get him out like Smilingwoman did.
Several people here packed their WS's bags and set them by the door and asked them to leave. They LEFT. So, see if you can get him to leave voluntarily. And ask him for the key back.
I got him to rent an apt....but I knew he would move out sooooo slowly that I would go insane. So as soon as I knew he had an apt, I waited until he was in the shower before work one day and took his house key. I then said good bye to him at the front door so he wouldn't try to lock it with the key he no longer had. Then during the day I packed up all his clothes and just before he got off work texted him that I had a load of his stuff in my car and I would meet him at his apt.
He was FURIOUS. He was so mad...it was May and I had brought all his clothes. He slammed around coats and stuff saying, 'I won't need winter things, I won't be here that long!' (he was btw ;), but I digress).
You just have to be methodical and get things done. It was not easy, but once he was out I felt MUCH better.
I have a similar experience. Mine was so mad at exposure that he packed a bag and went to his mothers house. He was refusing to go NC and my sister told him he would have to pick a day to get the rest of his things. He did this, but he only took what he needed for a short period of time leaving masses of stuff behind. He even told me he was keeping his key to the house because it was 'his house too' and that he wanted to keep his bike etc at my place.
It was clear that he was planning to waltz in and out of my life as and when he needed, cake eating and driving me crazy.
So I packed up all his stuff, got it into my car. Dumped it all at his mothers house. Then I changed the locks.
This was in the summer. I have healed one thousandfold since then. I know for a fact that he is going to be lonely at Christmas. He doesnt get on with his family, and thanks to my exposure he prob wont be welcome at the OWs family celebrations either. Even if he is - she's not me and he's had six months to learn that.
Plan B is a perfect time for waywards to see the cracks in their life and problems in the affair relationship. So is Christmas.
If it were me, I would be planning a fantastic Christmas for myself as part of Plan B preps and I would dump him into a lonely christmas without warning so he can have plenty of opportunity to think about what he's done.
Ok went into Plan B, but poorly executed. WH did not want to leave, suggested that I leave. WH finally relented and we had a great heart to heart really connected on our issues. WH left, but I agreed he could return to have meeting with DC. I texted the update to my sister, who replied "he still doesn't want to work things out". I was sad when he left and then realized I forgot the 1st rule of WS - they LIE! My WH is still not over OW, although he says they can't be together because of my exposure. My sneaky WH is trying to underplay the A, so he can introduce her later. Sorry, this is not going to happen. This may get dragged out over the next two weeks, but my DC will know her name, and if he doesn't leave, I will take the DC and leave. I know the A is doomed, but I have to be patient. Meanwhile, most of the time I feel strong and in control of a bad situation thanks to all of you and MB. I have received many compliments on my appearance and attitude - I am not playing the victim. Also, not bashing WH, I just keeping telling people that he is in crisis and needs help.
If you are in Plan B there shouldnt be any communications or glimpses of WH - are the gaps sealed up now?
Ok went into Plan B, but poorly executed. WH did not want to leave, suggested that I leave. WH finally relented and we had a great heart to heart really connected on our issues. WH left, but I agreed he could return to have meeting with DC. I texted the update to my sister, who replied "he still doesn't want to work things out". I was sad when he left and then realized I forgot the 1st rule of WS - they LIE! My WH is still not over OW, although he says they can't be together because of my exposure. My sneaky WH is trying to underplay the A, so he can introduce her later. Sorry, this is not going to happen. This may get dragged out over the next two weeks, but my DC will know her name, and if he doesn't leave, I will take the DC and leave. I know the A is doomed, but I have to be patient. Meanwhile, most of the time I feel strong and in control of a bad situation thanks to all of you and MB. I have received many compliments on my appearance and attitude - I am not playing the victim. Also, not bashing WH, I just keeping telling people that he is in crisis and needs help.
Tell us about your Plan B. Who is your IM? Have you changed the locks on the door? He's not going to be able to waltz back into the house tonight, right?
DO NOT ATTEMPT PLAN B UNTIL YOU ARE READY FOR PLAN B!
Hi Ready,
Did you do a Plan B letter? Maybe you can post it here so others can advise. Not sure I understand what DC means, can you explain? Do you have an IM in place for communication, are your finances seperated?
Try to stick to the plans as outlined, there shouldn't be any contact after going to plan B.
I still think there is hope, if you execute a good plan B.
ba
Ok went into Plan B, but poorly executed.
Good job! You are not in Plan B yet, but you have taken first steps so you CAN go into Plan B now. The BEST time to go completely dark in Plan B is before Christmas so he can feel what it is like to be divorced. Plan B is a completely DARK separation where you have no contact whatsoever with him. NONE. You would change the locks so he cannot come in the house, designate an intermediary who passes on only PERTINENT information about children and finances. You begin Plan B by sending him a letter that a) tells him you love him, b) tells him he is not contact you directly, c) lays out your conditions for contact, gives him the name of the intermediary and tells him not to contact you until he has ended his affair and commits to recovery of the marriage.
Once he recieves this letter it is critically important that you not allow him to contact him because if you do, he will know you are not serious. The last thing you can afford is to convey to a WS that you are not serious because then he won't take you seriously.
In the letter you will give him a visitation schedule and make him pick up the kids from the driveway and return them without coming in the house. The Plan B letter should also tell him that you expect him to continue to pay the bills as usual.
What he will likely do at first is TEST you to see if you mean it. He will try calling, coming over, etc because he will not like losing control over you. IT is in this initial period that you especially have to be careful to not let him through because he will be testing you.
But first things first, CHANGE YOUR LOCKS TOMORROW SO HE CAN'T COME BACK INTO THE HOUSE.
I will post a sample Plan B letter in the next post along with an instructional thread about tactics.
From the book Surviving an Affair:
My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible.
I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg for once and for all.
Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you.
I will also not be able to help you financially.
Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit.
If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him.
I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other.
We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.
With my love,
Jon
[send a copy of the letter to the skank with this note] Greg; I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.
This may get dragged out over the next two weeks, but my DC will know her name, and if he doesn't leave, I will take the DC and leave.
RTW, I would tell your DD everything about the OW tonight and explain the reasons behind your separation. I am not clear on what you are planning on dragging out, but for the sake of your mental health I would not drag anything out. Since he has already left you won't be in a position to leave. Just change the locks, give him the letter and don't let him back in.
Find an intermediary who will act as a NEUTRAL party and a SPAM filter. She needs to only pass on pertinent information such as visitations, etc. Try to get as much of that out of that way beforehand by sending him a very strict visitation schedule. For example, give him every Wednesday night from 5 to 8 and every other Saturday from 1 to 5. With the stipulation that your child NEVER be exposed to his adultery partner.
All great posts and advice by MelodyLane, as usual. Just want to add a little more.
When you write out the visitation, and finances part, you would have it on a separate page than the Plan B letter. Please post your Plan B letter here first, so you can help with editing. Many a BS write a letter that is too long, or accepting too much blame themselves. I modeled my Plan B letter almost exactly on the one from SAA and fellow posters still found things to edit.
You will need to change your phone numbers and email addresses. This is even important if you believe that your WH will not try to break your Plan B, because he will.
Your IM should be a neutral party, not someone whom is close to the situation. It is also good if they understand at least a little of what Plan B is all about and why it is important for them to filter things for you.
I would be willing to help out an IM that you may get IRL.
You are aware that you and your WH will not be able to attend things together anymore right? We have had people who enter Plan B and then go out to a party with their WS DAYS after the beginning of Plan B. It shows the WS that you aren't serious, and that they can continue to treat you poorly, without any consequences.
Plan B isn't easy at first, but a well planned one, with a GREAT IM, can be less difficult than one with poor planning. To be most effective, follow everything that ML has advised and what is in the link she provided.
Ready,
Are you doing ok?
AM
Plan B letter
My husband,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with "B" possible. I foolishly pulled away from you in the hope that you would notice and want to make me happpy, but I was not meeting your needs and you pulled away, too. I was not there for you when you needed me and we are now both suffering because of my mistake.
I am willing to put the past behind us and create a new life together that will meet both of our needs. But, I cannot do that until you end your relationship with "B" once and for all.
Until then, I do not want to see you or speak to you. I will have one of our friends help us to make arrangements so that you can see the kids, and to help with our financial arrangements.
I ask that you please respect my decision to separate. You must realize the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with "B", and I simply cannot live with you any longer, knowing that you are with her.
I love you very much, but cannot continue under these conditions.
When you are willing to end your relationship with "B", and take the necessary steps to ensure total separation, then I will be happy to talk to you about rebuilding our marriage.
I continue to hope that one day, we can work to rebuild our marriage. I want us to make each other happy, and commit to doing everything necessary to meet each other's needs and avoid doing anything to hurt one another. I want us to work so that will never have to separate again.
I want to be your best, someone who is always there when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend, someone who always has my back.
I have loved you for so long, and I have loved you every single day of our marriage. I love you still today, but cannot be with you or help you while you continue to see "B".
All my love,
Ok comments and suggestions are welcome!
Plan B letter
My husband,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with "B" John's wife possible. I foolishly pulled away from you in the hope that you would notice and want to make me happpy, but I was not meeting your needs and you pulled away, too. I was not there for you when you needed me and we are now both suffering because of my mistake.
I am willing to put the past behind us and create a new life together that will meet both of our needs. But, I cannot do that until you end your relationship affair with "B" John's wife once and for all.
Until then, I do not want tocannot see you or speak to you. Any pertinent information about finances or visitation needs to go through our friend, Susan. I have attached a visitation schedule. When you pick up the kids, I will send them out to the drive way and would appreciate it if you honor my wish and not come in. I would also insist that the children not be exposed to your affair partner.
I ask that you please respect my decision to separate. You must realize the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship affair with "B", John's wife, and I simply cannot live with you any longer, knowing that you are with her.
I love you very much, but cannot continue under these conditions.
When you are willing to end your relationship affair with John's wife, and take the necessary steps to ensure total separation, then I will be happy to talk to you about rebuilding our marriage.
I continue to hope that one day, we can work to rebuild our marriage. I want us to make each other happy, and commit to doing everything necessary to meet each other's needs and avoid doing anything to hurt one another. I want us to work so that will never have to separate again.
I want to be your best, someone who is always there when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend, someone who always has my back.
I have loved you for so long, and I have loved you every single day of our marriage. I love you still today, but cannot be with you or help you while you continue to see "B".until you end your affair and commit to our marriage.
All my love,
Ok comments and suggestions are welcome!
RTW, I would find an intermediary NOW before you send that letter and get that all lined out. You need to get all your ducks in a row BEFORE going into Plan B so you don't have an excuse to break contact. Getting an IM is very important. It has to be someone who will agree to remain NEUTRAL and who will act as a spam filter. She cant pass on any fogbabble, only PERTINENT information about visitation and finances.
I would find a calendar online and complete the visitation schedule for December and Jan. Go to google calendar and set up an account and make up a shared calendar.
https://www.google.com/calendar/render
I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend, someone who always has my back.
Just a missed word there.
Melody's version is great...especially not referring to the bimbo by name but as someone's wife.
Also, include the IM's contact info (number and email) in your letter.
Sorry for being out of touch so long; I was starting to get paranoid thinking my posts were being viewed WH. As for my update it has been a very tough few weeks. I know I am dragging my feet and not following the MB rules (although my head keeps telling me to do so), but I am trying to do what I can. My WH is still at home, still texting OW constantly. I told our children before Christmas. They were of course devastated, and are angry with WH. He was there, but did not say a word, and the kids ran away in tears. HW has still not addressed with kids, but is waiting for them to approach him for "his side". My kids know this is wrong, no matter what "his side" is.
I am working on my plan B, but in truth, I depend on WH financially and he could make things difficult, but I am preparing for the worst. Meeting with IM tomorrow. Hope to Plan B soon. This is so painful, and I know I should have moved on things sooner, but I can only do what I can do. I read all of the posting constantly and appreciate all the love and support that is out there for all of us who are suffering.
It is scary to realize how many adults are willing to throw away a relationship that can be fixed, for a flimsy connection that will never come close to true happiness.
How are things?
I am working on my plan B, but in truth, I depend on WH financially and he could make things difficult, but I am preparing for the worst. Meeting with IM tomorrow. Hope to Plan B soon.
As for the finances, your WH will be legally responsible for supporting you. If you think that he'll cut you off, you could always consult an attorney, get a financial agreement (separation) in place and then go to Plan B.
My WH is still at home, still texting OW constantly.
Oh boy, rtw, you need to shut this down ASAP. I would not allow him to conduct his affair in your home. That will drive you into a nervous breakdown very quickly. You need to get into a good solid Plan B asap. Your H will have to continue to pay the bills and support you when he leaves. Will he move out?
Have you asked him to move out? Don't play around with this, rtw, women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from this kind of abuse. And it will come on quickly. Dr Harley suggests no more than 3-4 weeks of Plan A for this reason.
Please take action, my friend.
I have asked WH to move out, but WH said no - doesn't want to leave DC, and cannot due to finances. I could pack up DC and move in with family if necessary, but prefer not to do so. Hoping WH will re-consider and I will continue to ask. In the meantime, I plan to consult attorney and possible draw up separation agreement not sure.
Although things are not going well I am happy about exposure. WH is telling everyone about my part in the failed marriage. True, but no excuse for affair! We have had our ups and downs in the past, but worked on issues. Prior to his A, WH did not mention problems, or wanting to separate, or wanting divorce. I am hurt by these excuses, but understand this is how the wayward mind works.
I have support from family and friends, but only one friend really challenged my WH's thinking. Unfortunatley, many others don't want to be in the middle, or don't even want to talk to him.
My DC are deeply hurt, and I try to help them as much as I can. WH has yet to discuss with our DC, and they have known for 3 weeks.
Everyday is hard, but I know I am doing the right thing. I have always done the right thing throughout my life, so I know how hard it is and what a difficult burden it is to do the right thing when so many others take the easy route and make excuses. This forum really keeps me going.
Here's to a more joyful 2012 for all of us!
Howdy, rtw!! Thanks for checking in with us. I would be a broken record about his moving out. And if he is still in contact with the OW, I would DEMAND that he end contact and most certainly not allow it in you and your children's home.
Go read the advice we gave estrela about moving her husband out. Very often, if the BS keeps up the pressure and even packs his bags, he will leave.
Ready,
I have been thinking about you today. Are you any closer to Plan B?
AM
I am just about out of hope. I continue to try to get my WH to leave our home, but he has not budged. WH claims that he wants to stay so our DS can finish HS in 18 months (and for financial reasons). I suspect that it is actually because OW is not ready to leave her M. Of course, I further suspect that she may never leave her M, just keep my WH on the hook for as long as she likes.
I have been in touch with OWH in the past, but not recently. I know he was hoping to work on his M, but not sure where he currently stands. I have been asked not to contact him anymore by my WH, because OWH is volatile. I understand that is most likely wayward babble, but want to focus on getting my WH out of house first. Then, I can contact OWH to see if he knows that A is continuing. The trouble is that OWH always tells his WW that I have contacted him. Next time I will ask him to keep my confidence and bring his WW for a polygraph if he doesn't believe me.
As for my living arrangements, I have the opportunity to move in with my brother and his family, who have an apartment in their home. I could easily pack up my DC and belongings and move. I understand with MB, my WH should be on his own so he can miss me and his old life, but would it be just as effective to be alone in the family home? Also, does it make any difference divorce-wise if I leave our home? Just wondering.
My hope for a recovery is dwindling. I feel at this point that I want a divorce so I can move forward with my life. After I found out about the A, my WH decided to end our M, and has not wavered in his decision. I have exposed to OWH and family, our family and friends, and our DC and still he has not wavered. At this point I find it hard to imagine WH being truly remorseful and wanting to do the work necessary for recovery in the future. I feel that when WH life falls apart, he will be too stubborn to come back to me.
Obviously, I have a minscule amount of hope left but need to move forward. I truly appreciate all of the support and ideas from this site. The MB principles are great, and I do not regret the ones I have followed. I should have followed them to the letter, but each of us can only do what we can. Don't worry about me, I am down but not out. I know that I have happiness in my future, no matter what happens in my M.
Readytowork,
I'm very sorry have been going through this. I'm praying for you. Our situations and outlooks seem almost identical, except my STBX moved out of the house on D-day when given a choice of leaving her AP or staying in the home. When it comes to marriage, our spouses were renters, not owners. So sad.
I have been in touch with OWH in the past, but not recently. I know he was hoping to work on his M, but not sure where he currently stands. I have been asked not to contact him anymore by my WH, because OWH is volatile. I understand that is most likely wayward babble, but want to focus on getting my WH out of house first. Then, I can contact OWH to see if he knows that A is continuing. The trouble is that OWH always tells his WW that I have contacted him. Next time I will ask him to keep my confidence and bring his WW for a polygraph if he doesn't believe me.
rtw, you should continue to contact the OWH and ENCOURAGE him to tell his wife you are calling. They need to know you are both in touch. So call him TODAY and keep those lines open.
Your job is cause as much conflict as possible in the affair. Raise hell! Make it very hard for them to carry on any contact.
As for my living arrangements, I have the opportunity to move in with my brother and his family, who have an apartment in their home. I could easily pack up my DC and belongings and move. I understand with MB, my WH should be on his own so he can miss me and his old life, but would it be just as effective to be alone in the family home? Also, does it make any difference divorce-wise if I leave our home? Just wondering.
It would be better if you can get him to leave. Ways to do this is to continually ask, pack his bags, and if that fails, file for divorce and get him legally removed. The point is NOT to get him to "miss you," but to protect you from his abusive behavior. Dr HArley only recommends about 3 to 4 weeks of Plan A because women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from living like this. And it comes on FAST. You can't play around with this.
My hope for your recovery has not dwindled at all. The fact that he says he wants to end the marriage means nothing. Really. His affair will not make it, you just have to force the OW into a corner and NOT LET UP. The affair is doomed.
What has happened is that it has gone further underground now that you are not calling the OWH. Dig it out and keep exposing. Make it very hard for them to carry and get him out of the house!
This is far from over, rtw, you just have to keep up the pressure until the affair is over. You let up on the pressure TOO SOON.
Tell the OWH everything your husband tells you, that your H plans on being with the OW.
I have been asked not to contact him anymore by my WH, because OWH is volatile. I understand that is most likely wayward babble, but want to focus on getting my WH out of house first. Then, I can contact OWH to see if he knows that A is continuing. The trouble is that OWH always tells his WW that I have contacted him. Next time I will ask him to keep my confidence and bring his WW for a polygraph if he doesn't believe me.
You have that backwards. Contact OWH now (today) and then focus on getting WH out of the house. By all means, tell him to pass on your (dis)regards to his WW. She needs to know that you're still in the game!
Of course OWH is volatile and a loose cannon. Consider the source of your information. Did you expect WH to say that OWH is a really nice charming guy with a good haircut and nice easygoing manner?
Come on, now, get cracking!
I have been asked not to contact him anymore by my WH, because OWH is volatile.
Of course this is fogbabble, and it's one of the oldest lines in the wayward handbook. I
do agree that OWH probably wants to dance on your WH's head wearing spiked shoes, but I wouldn't protect WH from that if I were you. Actions = consequences.
You need to be in contact with OWH and keep him up to speed. For all you know, he may have been persuaded by his WW that the A is over. Make sure he knows this is not the case.
Keep pushing your WH to move his [censored] out. As long as he's wayward, he's taking advantage of you, hurting you and using your home as a flop house. Don't accept this disrespect.
Wow. I was really pulling for you. So sad to see that your situation isn't progressing.
RTW, you've got to take heed to the advice these experienced posters are giving. You did just enough to unsettle the waywards a bit, then let up. You have to keep up the pressure. Stay in constant contact with OWH! Get him fired up to do something, even if it's just to get you out of his hair. If he's miserable, OW will be miserable. If OW is miserable, your WH will be miserable. Keep up the pressure! Turn the hose on these two rutting dogs!
It's unbelievable that your WH insists he's going to keep staying with you while carrying on his adulterous affair right in your face. The hubris is incredible.
I think the legal system would frown heavily upon him submitting you to that type of abuse. I think you should file for divorce or legal separation and have the courts make him move out of your house. Can you imagine living the way you are for another year-and-a-half? I'm only an observer and I can't imagine it.
Don't lose the momentum, RTW, keep the pressure on and get your WH out of your house. You need to do this for your health and sanity.